The first thing Kurt felt when waking up was a dull unpleasant ache in his head. He groaned. Everything hurt and ached and he wanted to throw up but that would have meant moving and that was out of the question.

What had he done last night? Slowly the memories came back and Kurt groaned again. If he already had to endure the worst hangover why couldn't he at least be granted the courtesy of forgetting that terrible night?

First there was this sort of fight with Santana. She had accused him of losing drive because of Blaine, that he had become boring and domestic. She had a point. Kurt hadn't taken anyone home since the first night he had slept with Blaine. He just hadn't wanted to, but being who he was he had had to proof Santana wrong.

He had met Adam at the bar. Cute, friendly, a little older than him, maybe in his late 20s but charming and obviously interested. Adam had offered him a drink but Kurt had directly gone for the kill, burying his hands in the other man's hair and kissing him fiercely. Adam had been an excellent kisser and soon their tongues had been moving together, their bodies pressed close. Kurt had been able to feel that Adam had been really into it but Kurt had felt nothing.

There had been no fire, no urge, no desire, just the nice feeling of a good kiss. Nothing you couldn't turn your back on without regret. Kurt had panicked. Why wasn't this working? He should suck Adam; that always got him going. When he was with Blaine, the other man's dick in his mouth, his little desperate whimpers and the way he carded his fingers through Kurt's hair were enough to have Kurt on the brink of coming. His cock had given an interested twitch at that thought and before he had known what he was doing, he had been dragging the man towards the bathroom.

Kurt had gotten a glimpse of a smirking Santana and that had only encouraged him further as he had pushed Adam against a wall as soon as he had been through the door. Kurt had attacked his mouth, trying desperately to chase the fire that should have been there, only it wasn't.

All he had been able to think about had been how he had pushed Blaine against a wall the night they had met. How much he had wanted Blaine already back then and even though he had had played it cool. Turning away from that pliant mouth and those gorgeous eyes that night had been one of the hardest things he had ever done.

Back in the bathroom Kurt had dropped to his knees. He hadn't been supposed to think about Blaine. That had been the whole point of this. Above him had been a gorgeous man, panting because of him, why hadn't this been enough?

He had just been fumbling with Adam's belt buckle as strong hands had stopped him and pulled him up. He had wanted to ask what was wrong but Adam had only scrutinized him with those gentle, blue eyes and smiled sadly.

"You don't really want to be here, do you, Kurt?" He had asked in this swoon worthy British accent and Kurt had found himself unable to lie. He had bit his lip and shook his head.

"Fair enough." Adam had said and let go of Kurt. Only then Kurt had noticed that he was shaking and that the only thing on his mind had still been Blaine.

He had turned on his heel and stormed out, leaving Adam in the bathroom without another word.

He didn't understand himself. After a bad day at work lots of booze and a good fuck were the best cure for his sore nerves and his bad mood but all he wanted was Blaine and that was bad. He didn't do commitment. He didn't do standstill, always moving, never stopping. Not relying on anyone, always in control. Everything he couldn't have in any other part of his life.

He turned in his bed. And still, the morning after, everything was Blaine. Even his pillow smelled like Blaine, even though he hadn't even brought him...

Kurt sat up straight, finally opening his eyes, taking in his surroundings.

He wasn't in his room even though the room wasn't any less familiar. Quickly he searched his memory for what had happened. His cheeks reddened when he remembered how he had practically broken down in front of Blaine. He didn't remember what they had said, everything turned a little blurry after his 5th drink at this bar, but he knew that he had been a mess by the time that Blaine had found him.

Had found him... Kurt let that sink in for a moment. Blaine had heard that Kurt had gone missing and searched for him. A warm feeling spread through Kurt's chest, only dampened by the memory of what a sad fool he had been when Blaine had arrived. Kurt hadn't been the person he wanted to be and he was ashamed of it.

He remembered that he had been really drunk when Blaine had found him and that he had whined and babbled... had he cried? He wasn't sure. He did remember though that he had kissed Blaine and how shocked and worried Blaine had looked at him.

Something twisted in Kurt's stomach at that memory. He vaguely remembered whining and talking about personal stuff and he didn't do that with his lovers. He wasn't keen on whatever Blaine would have to say at all but he couldn't exactly avoid it, could he?

He rolled out of bed, groaning as the pain in his head increased and stumbled out into the kitchen. He was met by the smell of coffee and... pizza?

"Morning, Kurt." Blaine said as he noticed him. "I wasn't sure if I should wake you. How are you feeling?"

Kurt blinked rapidly against the bright light and took Blaine in. He was smiling at him but his expression seemed guarded, something Kurt wasn't used to seeing.

"I'm okay... headache but I guess I have only myself to thank that for, don't I?" He smiled at Blaine and Blaine chuckled while he busied himself with the oven, taking out the pizza.

Kurt moved to sit on one of the bar stools before he spoke again. "So... pizza?"

Blaine placed a plate of pizza in front of him right next to a cup of steaming, dark coffee and nodded.

"The best thing to cure a major hangover. Salty, hot, calming the stomach if you don't experiment too much with the spices and bitter coffee. It might sound insane but trust me."

Kurt stared at him. It sounded disgusting and his stomach clenched unpleasantly at the smell but Blaine smiled reassuringly and Kurt debated that he'd throw up anyways if he didn't try to work against that.

After his first bite he was sure he'd puke any moment but after the first gulp of coffee, he already felt his dizziness dull, his stomach calm and his nausea pass. Blaine was watching him, leaning against the opposite counter, his expression still concentrated but smiling every time he noticed Kurt looking up at him.

"This is magical, Blaine." Kurt said, once he had eaten most of his meal. "Were where you to nurse me back to health, when all my other hangovers had me crawling on the floor?" He gave the other man a flirty smile, but instead of smiling back or winking at him like he usually did, Blaine just cleared his throat and turned, placing his now empty mug in the sink.

"We need to talk, Kurt."

Kurt froze at those words. Blaine turned back to him and looked at him in concentration while a whole different nausea began to rise in Kurt's stomach. This was about whatever he had said the previous night and Kurt was still not in for this conversation. What did Blaine even care? They worked how they did. Blaine didn't need to know about Kurt's personal life. Kurt left this behind when he was with Blaine. It was how he worked. It was why he enjoyed being with Blaine.

"Last night you said we could talk in the morning and I just... I-I really want to know that you're okay, Kurt."

Kurt stayed tense at Blaine's words. What had he said to have Blaine act this way? He needed to know.

"What exactly do you want to talk about?" Kurt asked cautiously.

"You tell me." Blaine said defensively, arms crossed over his chest. His eyebrows were perfect triangles and for a moment Kurt wondered if Blaine had extra muscles to shape them but then Blaine sighed and it was like he was shrinking.

"I guess... I just worry about you Kurt, especially after last night. I know that I don't have the right... that it's not my place to do so." He shrugged before fixing his eyes on Kurt's and they were so open and warm and pleading that Kurt felt his throat go dry with the intensity of it. "But I can't help that I do and I won't be sorry for trying to be there and wanting to know what's hurting you. Because it hurts me when you're hurting."

"Okay." Kurt whispered, as surprised as Blaine seemed to be at his words.

"You – okay?" Kurt nodded and Blaine stepped closer, searching Kurt's face for any hint of dishonesty.

Kurt was still defensive. He didn't want to talk even though he felt like he wanted Blaine toknow. That didn't mean that he'd just begin to explain himself and his life and lay everything open. He didn't like to be an open book.

As the silence stretched and Blaine was just looking at him, Kurt sighed. "What do you want to know? As you might be able to imagine my memory of last night is not the best and I really have no idea what you want to ask here." Blaine nodded, seemingly thinking hard for a moment when he spoke again.

"Why do you do it? All this going out, getting wasted. What for?" Kurt laughed at that.

"Because I like it? Jeez, Blaine, why do people go out?" He chuckled again but Blaine looked displeased.

"I don't believe you. There is more to it. You said so last night."

"Did I now?" Kurt asked, still grinning amusedly and Blaine just nodded.

"Okay... then I'll rephrase this: what did you want to forget and why and is that your usual motivation for going out and getting wasted?" The grin froze on Kurt's face. These were questions he didn't like to think about and which were far less easy to answer.

"Wh-what are you talking about? I already said that I go out for fun, Blaine. Just because you rephrase your question doesn't mean that my answer changes."

"Then again, you didn't really answer my question, Kurt." Blaine hesitantly rested his hand on Kurt's. "Please, Kurt." He whispered. "I just don't want to see you like last night ever again. You were too hurt and weak and I know that you're strong and powerful and I couldn't help you as much as I wanted to. Please, Kurt. Please let me in."

Kurt stared in Blaine's eyes and again the words were out before he had considered them.

"I wanted to forget reality, I guess. I just really need to not think about responsibilities and duties and consequences as soon as I leave the office at 4pm on Friday. Sometimes the urge is stronger than other days and yes, going out is my way to do that."

Blaine nodded thoughtfully. "No, I get that. I do have that notion when life brings me down from time to time but what can be so bad that this is a constant for you?"

"Well, maybe my job just sucks more than yours." Kurt spat and was immediately sorry for lashing out. Blaine on the other hand just tilted his head and raised his eyebrows.

"I am a cab driver in New York – a job I have to do, to somehow get enough money to pay for college. Besides, if I don't drive around drunken people or study my ass off, then I beg for gigs to somehow earn a little extra cash by doing what I love. I'd say that my life is far from perfect..."

Kurt swallowed. Blaine was right. He had no right to talk down to him.

"I'm sorry, Blaine." Kurt turned his hand to interlace his fingers with Blaine's where they were still resting on his hand. "I just don't know how to talk about this. A huge part of forgetting about it is not talking about it after all."

"I get what you mean Kurt but after last night I'm not exactly sure how good your method works. You neither seemed to be forgetting what was bothering you, nor enjoying trying to."

Kurt bit his lip. Again, Blaine was right and Kurt didn't know how to deal with this conversation. He wasn't used to talking about it. He didn't know how.

"Maybe you should just tell me why you hate your job so much? You work at right? I mean, shouldn't that be a dream come true? I know how much you love fashion after all." Blaine inquired.

"It should, only it isn't." Kurt answered evasively. "It's just – I'm 23, Blaine and it already feels like this is as far as I'll come in my life. Like this is the end. It won't get better. Sitting in the waiting room without ever being called in. Maybe that wouldn't be so hard if that hadn't been my life for as long as I can remember." Kurt sounded bitter. He felt bitter. Who was he kidding? He was bitter.

Blaine squeezed his hand. "Why's that?" he asked and from there on all dams were broken and Kurt talked and talked while Blaine just listened and nodded and held his hand.

"When you were younger, were you ever told "it gets better"? Your straight friends say it, your teachers say it, your parents say it, people on TV say it? Every time when they threw me into the dumpster or slushied me or broke into my locker just to decorate it with toilet paper, I told myself that. Every time I found a new bruise on my body after a locker slam or being tripped or pushed I told myself that. Hell, I told myself that after one of those Neanderthals forced himself on me and stole my first kiss only to threaten my life.It gets betterwas the only thing that kept me going, even though, with that only, I wouldn't have managed. If Santana hadn't blackmailed that guy later I don't know if I had graduated or just survived high school." He shuddered at the memory, while Blaine was shocked into silence, clutching Kurt's hand tightly.

Kurt took in a deep breath. Why was he still talking? Why wasn't he just making a snarky comment and walking out, never to see Blaine again?

"New York, Broadway, fashion were what kept me going. I believed that once I'd get here, my life would be what I had dreamt it would be. I would get what I deserved... just my fair share of happiness or at least the shot at it." He laughed dryly. "No more waiting around but living. Free and light as a bird, you know, that sort of crap. I should have known that wouldn't be the case when I didn't get into NYADA but after moping around for some time my dad practically pushed me out the door telling me that things don't get better unless you make better happen. I believed him. I went to New York to live with Rachel. I got an internship at . Just 19, from a small town in Ohio. It got better, didn't it?"

It was a rhetorical question but Blaine nodded nonetheless. Kurt could see the thoughts racing behind his eyes but he didn't stop. He was talking and it felt like he couldn't stop. Suddenly, he wanted Blaine to understand. To see him, all of him.

"I thought so, too. My boss was amazing, giving me such a chance just because I had shining eyes and a good attitude. Well, but that was what I had come here for. For a chance and I got one. I had broken things off with my one and only boyfriend before coming here and I didn't sob over it. I was okay. Rachel wasn't. She took the breakup from my brother Finn pretty hard but I was glowing. There were boys who wanted to date me and kiss me and then I got the chance to perform at NYADA to get in. I know I was amazing but seemingly not amazing enough. I didn't get in, again and from then on things seemed to go downhill. I guess I should be grateful for those amazing three months at least."

Kurt's lip quivered and he bit hard on it, willing himself not to tear up. This was four years ago. He should be over it. Blaine had taken his other hand, too. His eyebrows were forming a straight line now and he was staring at Kurt with wide eyes, filled with sympathy. Kurt was still not sure why he appreciated that, when normally looks like that only stirred the urge in him to slap someone.

"I was dating a guy from work at that time. He was nice enough. It wasn't the big love story I had hoped for but I liked him. I knew deep down inside that I was still waiting for this one guy that would make my knees weak and my heart flutter." Kurt rolled his eyes at himself and chuckled but Blaine didn't smile. He just shook his head and mumbled something likeIsn't that what everyone's waiting for?but Kurt just went on telling his story.

"Anyways, it sort of ended when I found him making out with a delivery guy. He didn't even pretend thatit wasn't what it looked likejust saying that I shouldn't be so small minded and immature. I left without regret, but it stung. I know he wasn't worth it but that doesn't mean that I didn't want to be thought of as worth it..." At that Blaine did interrupt him.

"Anyone who'd ever prefer someone over you is a daft idiot who doesn't deserve you." Blaine sounded breathless and he quickly pressed his lips to Kurt's. Kurt was surprised by the intensity of the close-mouthed kiss but embraced the warm feeling nonetheless, his eyes fluttering shut. Far too soon Blaine pulled back and smiled at Kurt to continue.

"Yeah right, so that thing with Chase was over but I was okay. No NYADA, no boyfriend but I still had my job and other offers to look forward to. Besides, my dad came to visit for the first time on Christmas. I was so glad to see him until he told me that he had prostate cancer. He's fine, don't worry." Kurt added quickly at Blaine's gasp. "It was hard and scary but he made it. Thank God, he did. But soon after that my boss told me that she'd have to take up another position and that I'd get a new boss. I was sad to see her go but I didn't think too much about it, until I met my new boss. To this day I don't know why and how exactly we started hating each other but we did and we do.

"And from then on work became obligation instead of fun. I waited for it to pass, to get better, to get my drive back, while I was basically hanging on the phone 24/7 in constant fear to hear from my stepmom instead of my dad. It was also around the time Santana moved here.

"I still don't know if that was the best or the worst thing possible. After some weeks she got tired of me moping around and made me go out with her. Rachel and her beau tagged along and wow I hadn't enjoyed myself so much in years, if ever. I ended up with someone for the night, a major hangover and a new thrive in my step. It was like even if I had no control over what was happening at work, or with my family and friends, when I went out... when I danced, I was in control of me and my life. I wasn't victim to circumstances and the decisions of other people. It was exciting and liberating and as time dragged on I relied on it more and more.

"I got offered a real position after my internship and for some time I stopped going out, throwing myself into work. I had hoped to get a new boss with the new position but I didn't. No matter what I did, I never got credit of it or a promotion or any prospect at all and as that sank in partying became a perspective again... and well... I don't really know if there is more to add because that's been my life for the past three years Blaine. Still-stand. Nothing changes, I can't move, it's like I am constantly waiting but in fact I gave up on believing that anything might change. Sometimes dreams just don't come true and all you have is to live in the moment and enjoy life when you can because sometimes it just doesn't get better."

Kurt sounded resigned when he finished, his hands just lying in Blaine's grip.

Slowly Blaine retracted his hand from Kurt's, only to walk around the kitchen island and hug him, burying his face in the crook of Kurt's neck.

"Thank you for telling me, Kurt." He mumbled into his skin. Kurt could feel Blaine's lips moving against his neck, his strong arms holding him tight, while Kurt just sat there and let himself be held for a moment, marveling in the comfort Blaine offered him. He closed his eyes and hummed in agreement.

After a few seconds Blaine pulled back and looked Kurt straight in the eyes.

"And still, I don't think that this is the end of the story." Kurt gaped at him. What was he saying?

"First of all, I don't think you are capable of giving up, Kurt, not on love, not on your dreams. There is too much passion in you – you're too strong and too amazing to do that."

"Second, your father is right: it gets better when we make better happen. No matter how hard it is, in the end your work will pay off and you will be bathed in all that is good and all you deserve."

"And third, don't let some small office people tell you that you can't make it. I've seen you take control Kurt. You are confident and know what you want. Once you've set your mind to something you're unstoppable. I've seen it the night I first saw you, I witnessed it every time I've been with you. You know it when you are out and about; you just have to remember that this is you, no matter where you are or what you do."

Kurt's throat felt dry when he blinked up at Blaine. He didn't know if Blaine was right. It sounded like one of those really crappy words of advice you get in teen magazines, but still Kurt didn't feel as bad as he usually did when he talked about his life. On the contrary his heart was beating fast, as Blaine fixed him with those beautiful, warm eyes and smiled at him.

"That was quite a good pep talk you did there. I guess, I'll think about it?"

"Thank you, but that wasn't all there is to it. Neither to the pep talk nor to the hangover treatment. Would you like to spend the day with me so I can work my magic for you?"

Kurt tensed a little. He had never spent more than one night and one morning with Blaine. They were fuck buddies, not a couple or proper friends.Fuck your rules!A small voice in his head yelled at him and Kurt caved at Blaine's hopeful expression.

"Does this magic include blowjobs?" Kurt asked, going for cheeky in favor of nervous.

Blaine slapped his arm. "It might, you horny prick but besides that there is also much more coffee, Bloody Maries, ice cream and a bravo marathon. Or 90s romcoms – whatever you prefer."

"Hey, I didn't get laid last night or any night since that hobbit in the shower fucked me last Sunday morning so excuse me for having urges." Kurt smiled coyly and Blaine blushed.

"Mhh, I guess I could work some magic later." Blaine breathed before letting his eyes flutter shut and pressing a fleeting kiss to Kurt's mouth. "But ice cream first."

He got up to get spoons and ice cream, while Kurt settled on the couch, turning on the TV. After Blaine had placed their food and new coffee on the small table in front of the couch, he held up two DVDs for Kurt to pick one, and popped inWhen Harry met Sallyafter Kurt had pointed at it.

As the movie started, Blaine had already curled into Kurt's side, his head resting on Kurt's shoulder, while one hand was lightly resting on Kurt's thigh. Blaine didn't even seem to notice doing it, but Kurt let his arm tentatively slide to lie on Blaine's shoulders to hold him a little closer.

As Kurt tried to focus on the movie a thought shot through his mind: this was different, this wasnew. Maybe change was after all just around the corner or lying right in his arms...