Doctors Need Mending Too

Chapter 6

The car ride back to Blaine's place was awfully quiet. I tried opening my mouth to say something to break the uncomfortable atmosphere but decided against it each time, afraid to make things even worse. My cup was already cold in my hand and Blaine's remained untouched in the holder. His window was opened a bit to allow the smoke from his second stick to fly out. I tried concentrating on the road and not on the sad image of him smoking. He used to hate that stuff, probably more than I did. I've met his father a couple of times and he was a grey lipped, intimidating man reeking with the smell of expensive cigarettes and perfume. Blaine never hid the reason why he detested the habit so much, but here he is, with the 'death stick' in between his lips.

I felt him step on the brakes at a red light and heard a big sad sigh escape his lips. I turned just in time to see him lower his head against his knuckles resting on the steering wheel, looking defeated. Instinctively, I reached out my hand and rubbed comforting circles on his back and he responded with a shiver. A few more seconds and I heard a whimper. I leaned in closer to whisper him soothing words to calm him down as his body continued to tremble and finally release a sob.

"It's okay. I'm right here." I said. An impatient honk sounded from outside and we both turned to see that the light has turned green. Blaine inhaled deeply and rubbed a fist against his face to wipe away tears before he shifted gear and drove forward. He lit another cigarette but he never said a word.

It took us another half an hour to reach his place. We parked and stepped out of the car. By this time, the silence was too deafening and I knew I had to say something.

"That guy, who is he?" I opted to play dumb rather than admit that I've heard gossip from his best friend. His body stiffened immediately, making him pause for a second while checking his car doors.

"He's a guy I used to go out with. But we haven't been in a couple of years. He's nobody."

"Ellie said..." His head turned quickly, meeting my eyes, he gave me a slightly annoyed look.

Slip of tongue. Damn.

"Whatever Ellie said was probably an over-exaggerated version of what really happened. But it's nothing."

"You cannot be this upset over nothing, Blaine!" I exclaimed.

"Nothing means I don't want to talk about it, Kurt." He turned around and started walking towards the building entrance and I quickly followed feeling frustrated by the fact that he's shutting me out.

He's not your boyfriend, you haven't seen each other in years! – I kept whispering myself as I walked the last few feet to catch up with Blaine. Again, we took the stairs briskly in silence. By the time we reached the fourth floor where his unit was, I was sticky with sweat and Blaine was slightly panting. If he was feeling short of breath, he paid no attention to it. Pulling his keys from his jeans pocket, he entered the apartment without saying a word and stepped aside to let me in.

He remained quiet and it physically hurts to know that inside, he's closing on being a complete emotional mess. I watched him from the living room as he flicked on a couple of light switches to illuminate the house and followed him as he walked the narrow hallway towards his room. Inside, I saw him grab a couple of blankets and a pillow from his bed before walking out to the last door on the hall which I assumed was the spare room he was referring to. I followed wordlessly.

I reached out a hand to grab the knob as his were full from the blankets and pillow he was carrying. He nodded his thanks and moved inside. The room was simple, with a single bed, a bedside table, lamp and wide windows covered with white curtains. The slight buzz of the night traffic could also be heard. Blaine laid the things on his arms over the bed and looked at me.

"You must be exhausted so you better rest. The bathroom is on the opposite side of the hall, there's an extra toothbrush inside the medicine cabinet if you need one. Food's in the fridge, coffee in the cupboard. Make yourself at home."

"Thank you. Goodnight, Blaine."

"Goodnight, Kurt." He turned on his heel and walked out of the room, leaving me to myself.

After a few minutes, I grabbed the towel from the pile he has left on the bed and decided to go to the bathroom to freshen up. I was caught off guard when he showed up just beside my door and I yelped. He was already in an old gray shirt and boxers and he looked surprised himself.

"Sorry. Clothes. I forgot to give you clothes to change in."

"Oh. Right. Thank you." I said, still stunned. I took the clothes from him and felt a small shudder run down my spine when our hands briskly brushed against each other.

"Goodnight again, Kurt."

"You too." I said before heading towards the bathroom. The toothbrush was where Blaine said it would be and having none of my moisturizing products with me, I decided to shuffle through what he has. Of course, his things aren't as extensive as mine, but I suppose my face would survive a night. Fifteen minutes later, I walked out to see the hall empty and Blaine's door closed. I walked inside the guest room and decided to get some sleep myself.

I was awoken a few hours later by the sound of a speeding motorcycle outside and I groaned heavily because of the sound and then got even more irritated when I felt the need to pee. I swung my legs off the edge of the bed and sat up before running a hand through my now messy, un-styled bed hair. A full minute probably passed before I felt like I can walk my way out to the bathroom.

Once I opened the bedroom door, I heard the faint sound of the stereo from the living room and the dining room lights were turned on. With my bladder suddenly forgotten, I walked towards the area barefooted and careful not to make a sound. I felt my heart skip a beat when I saw Blaine, with the same textbook he had earlier and with his forehead against it on the table once again. One thing different though was that on his right hand, he was holding a green highlighter which has by now drawn a few silly lines on the page he was supposedly reading. I'm not sure what got into me, but I took the empty chair right beside him and quietly sat down to watch him while he slept. I leaned in lower, resting my chin on my hand to study him closer. He had his glasses on, a bit of stubble forming around his lips, similar creases around his eyes that appear deeper when he smiles and a linear scar on the left side of his forehead that I have never seen before. Trust me, it's new. I've stared at him enough times while he slept in the time we've had together to know everything. Before I knew it, my other hand has reached out to gently touch the scar and I quickly withdrew it when his eyes popped open.

Blaine sat straight up, the highlighter dropping to the floor, clearly as surprised as I was. He raised a hand to adjust his glasses and blinked a couple of times to clear the sleep from his head.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." I apologized.

He smiled a bit, mostly to himself and I felt relieved.

"Old habits die hard huh?"

I flushed a deep red, knowing exactly what he was talking about. He has commented about my silly obsession of watching him sleep enough in the past and has told me hundreds of times that he finds it weird but at the same time endearing.

"I was on my way to the bathroom!" I said defensively.

"Which was right across from your room, Kurt." He teased, the lines around his eyes already deepening.

"Huh." At loss for any more snarky replies, I stood up and went to pee.

Inside the bathroom, I took my time to manage the brown mop of hair the best I could with a little water and took a couple of deep breaths to calm my nerves. I'm not even sure why I'm feeling so nervous! When I returned, Blaine was holding a cup of coffee and was once again seated in front of his book.

"Coffee?" He offered. I shook my head. I've had enough coffee in a day and one more cup and I'd probably die of tremors.

"Don't you ever sleep?" I asked, curious while taking the seat I had previously sat on.

Blaine laughed a bit raising his head from what he was reading to remove his glasses and to face me. He pressed his index finger and thumb against the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes, looking exhausted.

"I have a lot of catching up to do. Our In-service exam will be in two weeks. I have slept a bit, but my mind keeps nagging at me to start reading."

"You would have aced it, no matter what."

He smiled.

"I did last year. Hopefully, I'd do it again. That will assure me of a slot in the fellowship program."

"More training?! How many more years? I mean, even doctors have to graduate at one point, right?"

"I'm almost done with my three years of residency. Next year, if all works well, I'll start my three year fellowship in Pulmonology and Intensive Care."

"Jesus, it does take forever doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does."

We fell silent for a couple of minutes but Blaine never did turn back to his book. He was staring off into space, in deep thought. Mentally, I was weighing on whether to open up the conversation about Danny again. But Blaine's already in a lighter mood and I guess I just didn't want to ruin it.

Blaine finished his cup and then turned to look at me.

"He's the only one I've ever been with since we broke up."

I was relieved. At least, I didn't have to start the conversation.

"Ellie said he hit you."

"He did, and I let him. He may have been wrong, but I've had my shortcomings too."

"Why didn't you walk away?" I had to ask. Blaine was never the helpless type.

"'Coz I felt like I deserved it? When I met Danny, he swept me off my feet. He was funny, smart, talented, charismatic and bold. I was in a low part of my life. My dad hates me, I was taking a major I didn't like and hell, I was lonely. When he told me he loved me, I believed it. He filled the emptiness in me and although the alarms in my head were yelling at me to slow down, I ignored them." I could feel the strain in his words in an effort to keep his voice straight but his eyes showed enough of his pain.

"We went into things too quickly. The sex, the moving in. My dad wasn't too happy but I didn't care. He even threatened to disown me. But I didn't really give a shit, I felt like Danny could be my everything." He looked away just as his eyes filled with tears. He closed them for a moment and a single drop rolled down his face which he quickly wiped away.

"The first time he slapped me, he told me it was my fault. And I believed him. The next couple of times he did it, I thought of it as karma. It didn't have to make sense; I was being punished for being a bad person, an awful son and for being nothing but a disappointment. I'm not even sure what really ticked him off. Sometimes, he'd come home drunk and just pull me out of bed just to hit me. I never searched for answers, I never wanted an explanation. At the back of my head, I just kept thinking: whatever higher power there is, he must really hate me." Blaine's left hand slowly reached for the scar on his forehead as he recalled a memory.

"But thanks to my friends, I finally came to my senses when one day, he hit me too hard. Ellie had been tough but she was patient. She told me I deserved better and after a million repetitions, I guess I finally believed her."

"I was living in a dark place centered on self-pity and self-loathe. I guess back then, I just didn't really care what happened to me. I felt like I was floating into space, living a pointless life. I've lost hope in a better life. I was depressed. I was a fucking mess! But Ellie helped me pick myself back up again. Medical school started and the demanding schedule kept me busy. By the time I graduated, I knew I finally found my place."

"Why is he still bothering you? Last night, at the parking lot, I saw you talking to him."

"He shows up every now and then. But it doesn't matter what he says. I'm not getting back together with him."

"He still scares you doesn't he?" I had to ask. That creep scared me before I even knew what he did.

"Yes, he does." Fear. It was written all over his face and I felt the need to comfort him. Blaine stood up for me when my world scared me shitless and I wanted to do the same for him.

"He isn't going to go anywhere near you again, okay?" I reached out both of my hands and held each side of his face locking our gazes.

"I won't let him. Ellie won't let him. But most importantly, you won't let him." I felt the tears form behind my own lids as I said it. But I meant every word.

Blaine smiled through a sob that broke through his lips and leaned closer.

"How could you, after so many years, still know the right words to say?" I didn't trust my voice. So I pulled him closer and kissed him.

-It's because after all this time, I guess I still love you.

Blaine was caught off guard but in no way resisted. A second later, I felt him kiss back.

That was when I felt the familiar tingle when we kiss.

-This used to be home.

-This still is home.