Doctors Need Mending Too

Chapter 16

Eight months.

That's how long it took before I heard anything from Blaine. It came in a chilly August afternoon. I just got home from a meeting in preparation for our Christmas Show. It was a text, quite random to be honest. But it was like the most significant message I've ever read.

"There's this really nice and cozy cafe just by Tremont Ave. that I couldn't help but keep visiting for brunch." Blaine said.

I froze in place by the door with several heavy bags full of linen samples hanging on both arms. I had no idea what to say.

Feeling the door slam against my elbow and hitting my funny bone, I heard myself shriek before I even realized the pain. I let the bags slip down to the floor before I bent my elbow to clasp my arm across my chest. Smiling sheepishly by the door, Adam offered his apology by scooping me into a big bear hug before planting a kiss on my forehead.

Yes. Normal people move on. At least we all ought to try.

Adam is the evidence that I am indeed trying. As for succeeding, that's a story for a different time. I know I promised I won't let Blaine go as easily as I did before. But the situation was different this time. I've hurt him, more than what I've ever thought possible- like breaking an already painfully broken bone. The relationship seemed damaged beyond mending and Blaine too angry to ever consider forgiving.

I never got tired of asking forgiveness, sending him the occasional texts and calls he obviously ignored. Ellie refused to be cooperative as well, either by pay no attention to my texts or by giving me vague answers when I call.

All that I've learnt was that Blaine filed for an indefinite leave for 'health reasons' just as I've left Ohio. Ellie wouldn't tell me where he's gone or what he's been up to. But instinct tells me she knows. Finally accepting the fact that Blaine is shutting me out of his life, I concluded that maybe it's time to let go and live with the punishment of my own mistake.

Melting into the embrace I allowed Adam more access across my jaw as he kissed and licked his way towards the sensitive spot behind my ear. I moaned, little sparks waking up the desire which I surprisingly still have within me. I raised a hand to pull him closer only to realize I was still holding my phone. I saw the open and currently still unanswered message from Blaine and involuntarily pushed away.

"You okay, babe?" He asked. I rolled my eyes. Why does he have to call me that

"I-uhm-dinner?" I asked dumbly.

He raised an eyebrow, looking confused.

"I meant, what would you want for dinner?"

"Oh. Aw. Kurt, sorry. I can't stay for dinner tonight. Mom's in town, remember?"

Okay, so maybe that got me a little bit relieved.

"Right. It's okay. I totally understand." I said trying to feign a little bit of disappointment. He pouted at this and scooped me up again for a long kiss.

"Call me?" He asked.

"Absolutely.

I watched Adam disappear as he walked down the stairs before closing my door. Leaning against the wooden frame, I looked down on Blaine's message trying hard to formulate the right reply.

Finally deciding on being non-chalant rather than eager I typed in a message.

"Nice to know you're in town." Hitting send, I mentally counted the seconds before his next reply. A good sixty seconds passed, then a hundred and twenty. I was reaching two hundred and fifty when I felt my phone buzz on my hand.

"Wanna meet up? I do owe you an explanation." He said.

Do you know how it feels to be relieved and worried all at the same time? It's like having your guts twisted into several tight knots making you feel the need to vomit and to probably just die. -In a good way.

"I'm so sorry." I've hit send before I could think about what I've said. Blaine's reply came quickly.

"I know. I'm sorry too."

An overwhelmingly huge part of me wanted to start pleading for forgiveness but reason has long taught me to never do anything as important through text. So forcing my thumb to type a different message, I managed to arrange a meeting tomorrow at noon.

Sighing to myself, I dragged my feet towards the bedroom and collapsed on the bed.

-This is going to be a long night.

*-*-*

I arrived at the Tosca Cafe half an hour past eleven in the morning. A little bit too early, but my nerves were acting up and I wanted to be there before my fear gets the better of me. I sipped on my first cup of black coffee, studying a group of college students as they made a line at the counter. They were loud and it reminded me of the 'date' Blaine and I had a couple of months back. The bell by the door frequently jingled as one customer after the other came in. People have started to fill the place and the buzzing has already gone louder.

By twelve o'clock sharp, I had my eyes fixed on the door, a part of me afraid that Blaine would never show up and that all these were nothing but a mean joke. Five minutes passed, then ten. Blaine was still nowhere to be seen. After twenty minutes, my heart was pounding painfully against my chest. I decided that I've been stood up. Placing two sweaty hands against my thighs, I rose from my seat. The entrance bell jingled familiarly and by instinct, I looked up.

And there he was.

Blaine was in a light blue scrub shirt and his white pants. A couple of keys were hanging from a belt hook, an uneasy smile playing on his lips. His hair was loose and the familiar short curls hanging free. He had his glasses on and his body a little too thin for my comfort. The warmth growing in my chest was just too hard to ignore. I felt my lips break into a smile as my tears started to blur my view.

I sat back down and watched him as he approached. Wearily, I wiped on my unshed tears, not wanting to make this anymore awkward than it would already be.

"Hi. Sorry I'm late." He greeted

"Hey you. No problem." I replied with the warmest smile I could muster.

Blaine took a seat opposite me, his set of keys jingling on his side. He was avoiding my gaze, picking at some imaginary speck on the table top.

"You look good." I lied.

Blaine snorted, obviously knowing it wasn't true himself. He gave me his unsure smile.

"I'm doing okay, I guess." He said, as he raised his head to meet my eyes.

"So, what brings you to New York?" I inquired.

I watched Blaine nervously wrap his right hand across his opposite wrist, massaging just on top of his (misplaced, I noticed ) watch.

"I had an interview at Montefiore. I was applying for the fellowship program there."

"I thought that was two months ago."

"Uhm. Yeah. It was. But they were more than willing to accommodate me despite my late application. I -I run into some issues."

"You mean me?" I had to know.

"Kurt-" Blaine replied in an attempt to stop me from opening the topic up.

"No. I need to know. Please."

"It was me, not you." Blaine said.

"Blaine, I've hurt you. What's worse was that I continued to do so after you asked me to stop! I am very, very sorry for that day."

Blaine opened his mouth to say something but I quickly spoke again.

"God, Blaine. I don't think I'll ever be able to say sorry enough. I knew! You told me what has happened between you and Danny and I got too blinded by my stupid lust to see!"

"Kurt, no. Please. It's okay. I'm moving on. You should too."

The entrance bell jingled noisily as a group of young girls made their way inside.

"C-can we take this somewhere more private?" Blaine asked.

"Of course."

Blaine lived at a small hostel a couple of blocks from the hospital and the cafe. He explained having stayed the past month as a transient tenant as he completed his pre-fellowship training. Sitting on one of the two wooden chairs inside, I watched as Blaine carefully placed the white lab coat he had on his arm on the coat rack and slowly made his way towards me. He took the other seat, opposite me.

"Kurt-" he began.

"Tell me what happened. I mean, I think I understand. But we need to talk about this, Blaine!" I said, my voice louder than intended. Blaine remained quiet for a while, probably weighing his options. I continued looking at him in the eye, pleading. Finally, he took a deep breath and started speaking.

"After college, just as Danny got arrested. I, -uhm. I had trouble adjusting back to real life. Something big and traumatic happened. Ellie's dad, he's a shrink. I would have never considered seeing him if it wasn't for Ellie, if it wasn't for the situation I have gotten myself into. But Kurt, he helped. A lot."

"Something like what happened?" I knew I might be pushing too hard, but I needed to know.

"I was caught in a very bad situation Kurt. It was a bad day, every single day. I was having flashbacks, panic attacks. I was socially withdrawn, my parents hated me, no one knew the whole story, I felt so alone, I felt like had nothing to live for."

"What did you do, Blaine?" I couldn't recognize the man talking to me. This couldn't be Blaine, could he? In my gut, I knew what he did. But I needed to hear it.

"I overdosed on a bottle of Aspirin."

I held a fisted hand against my mouth to stop my sob but there was nothing I could do about the tears that have fallen.

"That day, eight months ago. You disappeared. You left work. For months, I couldn't get in touch with you."

"Kurt. I had triggers, even back when I was on medication. I get bad days. I sometimes wake-up feeling like I can't cope. But I get over them in a day or two. Sometimes a bit longer, but I always do."

"What did I make you do?"

"Please don't make me say this, Kurt."

Blaine ran a hand through his curls clasping a chunk of it in his hands tightly as he shut his eyes.

"Show me."

He looked up, confusion evident in his eyes. Leaning forward, I clasped his left hand and lightly tugged on it when he resisted.

"You've always placed you watch on your right wrist.

"Don't do this, Kurt. It was my mistake. Please." He pleaded, still pulling at his arm. I kept my grip firm. Undoing the latch, I released the bracelet of his watch and then I saw it.

"It wasn't your fault. I swear. For a couple of weeks, I thought it was. But you needed me, Kurt. You needed me and I couldn't be there!"

The overwhelming surge of emotions rendered me speechless as I ran my thumb across the pinkish scar of the wound Blaine made in an attempt to end his life.

-because of me, because of what I did.

"I did it because I was weak. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't." Blaine sobbed. His body leaned forward and he looked like he was about to fall. I leaned closer and caught him just in time, before gently lowering both of us to the floor.

He sobbed a bit more in my arms and his repeated apologies did nothing to ease my guilt. I was the one at fault. I almost killed Blaine, the person in the world I claim to love the most and he was begging for forgiveness. I couldn't possibly hate myself more.

I rocked both of our bodies together and in time, the sobs died down. The silence was calming and when I felt Blaine's breathing even out, I took the chance to study how he was.

His eyes were closed but from underneath his lids, they were moving, proving that he was awake. Deep in thought, I assumed.

"Kurt?"

"Hmm?"

"On a good day I would have loved what you did, you know?"

"Sorry, what?"

"Banging me against a wall." He replied and I felt blood rise to my face.

"We can't talk about sex in that manner, Blaine Anderson!" I scolded as I swatted his arm. He sat up to study me. Whatever expression I had on, it probably looked really funny as he broke into another feat of giggles. Relieved that Blaine was laughing, I felt myself join in too.

After some time, the laughter died down and all that was left were our smiles. Blaine held my gaze, his hazel eyes shining in wonder.

"I'm not sure why or how, but you and me, we were just never made to be apart. It's like I keep getting drawn to you, Kurt. The whole universe keeps pulling us together, and no matter how scared or hurt or broken I feel. I always end up looking for you. You're like the missing piece in my puzzle. The one I keep losing. The one I'd always try finding. The one I would always end up finding."

"I am the one fate has brought back to you, Blaine. I'm the person fate will always bring back."

"Never again. I'm never losing you again, Kurt Hummel."