Doctors Need Mending Too

Chapter 15

Blaine's POV:

I knew that I had thrown away the rest of my pills two months ago after I have finally convinced myself that I no longer needed it, that I was finally in control. But I still kept looking, reading through one pill bottle after the other, in a desperate need to do something, -anything to relieve my growing anxiety. I was caught off-guard when Kurt's hands landed on my shoulder and the contact felt like jolts of electricity.

"No, no! Please don't touch me. I need.. I-I need my.." I heard myself say as I continued to fumble through the orange containers scattered on the floor, a new set of tears pooling underneath my eyes. I tried blinking them away but the darkness brought about by lowering my lids kept allowing these painful memories of Danny, my dad, Burt, of Kurt to show-up. A wave of nausea passed through me and I felt the need to throw-up. But I didn't want to, so I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled as slowly as I can through pursed lips. Kurt was asking me something but my heart was thumping too noisily against my chest for me to hear what he was saying. I glanced towards him with mad eyes and the fear was so evident in his own that I had to bite on my lips to stop myself from quivering too hard.

"Tell me what you need, Blaine!" I finally heard him say. Raking my brain for a coherent answer, I pulled my knees close to my chest in an attempt to gain some control over my emotions.

"I need to calm down! I can't calm down! I need my pills to calm down," I said, clearly losing the battle against myself. Even I could feel the hysteria in the way I moved and talked. But I felt so helpless against everything. Kurt tried to come near me again but I yelled at him to move away. I know I wouldn't be able to bear having him so close after all that has happened.

-After what he has done.

Memories of that morning mixed with the old images of the nights I've had with Danny came flooding in. The feeling of worthlessness, of being used, of being treated like an insignificant human being, of the nights I've spent awake in fear of being attacked while I'm asleep, and I could do nothing to stop it.

-Stop. Please make it stop!

I pleaded, not really sure to whom. My emotions were all over the place and every single thought stings.

"Blaine? Look at me. Please, look at me." I heard Kurt say, and with every cell in my body, I tried to focus on him.

"Slow, deep breaths." I did what he said. Over and over until I felt my heartbeats slow a bit. When I finally found the ability to put some reason into my thoughts, I turned to look at him. Suddenly everything began going out of focus again the familiar painful pull at the pit of my stomach started growing.

Identifying Kurt as my trigger took some time to realize but now that I've had, I can't have him this close.

"You should leave. I - I can't calm down with you here."

Kurt didn't say anything, but I can imagine him giving a small nod. I listened to him move back towards the door and a quick glance showed me his gleaming apologetic blue eyes. He walked back to the room to gather his things before heading to the front door to leave. Only then did I really start to feel my nerves calm down. Letting go of my knees, I sprawled on the floor and allowed the cold tiles seep through my back. Closing my eyes, I took several deep breaths, further calming me down. I'm not sure as to how long I stayed there, or whether I've dozed off or not. But over the silence of the apartment, I heard the familiar tone of my mobile phone as it rung. Thinking that it might be Kurt, I decided to ignore if for the first couple of rings. But the noise was becoming too irritating and so I pushed my exhausted body off the floor and grabbed it from the bed side table.

"Blaine? God! How are you?"

"Ellie. Hello to you too." I tried keeping my voice steady but it still sounded hoarse from all the crying.

"You sound awful! I'm coming over, right now."

"No, no, no! I'm fine. The worst part is over. I'm just about back to normal." I said in an attempt to stop her from rushing over. I don't think I'd be able to handle another interrogation right now.

"Like that would work. I'll be off duty in half an hour. Hang in there, alright?"

"You know I would." I replied, trying to sound as reassuring as possible but probably failing.

She snorted at that and said goodbye quickly to finish off the rest of her work.

Walking back to the bathroom, I grabbed on the hem of my shirt before pulling it over my head to remove it. Glancing at the small mirror, I studied my exhausted face, feeling another wave of unhappy thoughts; I gripped on the cold ceramic sink as tightly as I could in an attempt to lessen the pain that was coming. I stood still for a good ten seconds, holding my breath as several well buried memories began to resurface: Danny hitting me, passing out on our bedroom floor, my dad's face inside his coffin, Ellie's worried look, Kurt banging me against the wall. It was too much. I felt my body sink back to the floor as I go through another crying feat.

-It was never supposed to be like this. This is not who I am.

I felt so small, helpless. I could feel the need to just disappear. I pulled my knees closer to my chest and rocked myself until I could find a way to calm down. I'm not too sure as to how long I sat there, but when I felt a warm blanket fall on my shoulder, the sky was already dark from outside my window and everything was in a blur. Beside me, I saw Ellie sink down on the bathroom floor before scooping me into an embrace. I didn't resist, mainly because I was too exhausted. I couldn't find the strength to cry or speak so I focused feeding on the comfort of her presence and blocking the shame of having her see me in such bad shape. It may not be the first time she's come, but the embarrassment never really fades.

I really hate these bad days.

They come randomly. They may be triggered by a lot of things: a nightmare, a movie, an awful remark, a person, an event. No one can really tell. At one point, I got so scared of having the panic attacks that I stayed at home, I pushed everyone away, and I threw away everything that I once loved. But life, as they say it, must go on. Later on, I knew I had to pick everything back up. I entered medical school, found myself a therapist, admitted my need for help, took my medications and slowly, I got my life back. It's been two years since I've last had a full blown panic attack. The first one since I've been off any kind of pill. And looking back, Kurt caused it, as awful as that sounds. He pushed me into remembering, even after I asked him to stop. As much as I want to stop pointing fingers, I have to admit, after all the waves of painful memories have stopped, all I could focus on is my anger – towards him.

I felt Ellie shift beside me and when I opened my eyes, I saw her open palm, two small pink pills resting on them.

"It's Benadryl."

Relieved, I took both pills in my hand before raising it to my mouth. Ellie quickly followed it with a glass of water which I accepted too. Ellie pulled herself off the floor before offering me both arms to get me on my feet.

"Now, we both know it's not a nice image seeing you pass out on the floor." She said, a small grin on her lips.

"Haha, very funny." I replied, trying to sound sarcastic but all too amused by her as well. Ellie can never really say anything to offend me. She's seen me through too much for me to have anything against her. She's witnessed me in good days, bad days and the worst days. She's a good friend, one I know I can never afford to let go.

She stuck her tongue out before grabbing on my now extended arms before pulling hard.

"You weigh like a girl." She commented as she led me towards the bedroom.

It was my time to stick my tongue out, the medication probably already taking the edge off my somewhat messed up head. Ellie tucked me in before planting a kiss on my forehead. My vision was already blurring around the edges, the sedating effect of the pills clearly taking effect. But a huge part of me was scared of being alone, so I raised an arm and grabbed on Ellie's sleeve.

"Don't go."

I heard her chuckle before disappearing as she moved to the opposite side of the bed.

"It's not like I'm going anywhere, B. Just remember I don't have a dick." I smiled at that, using the last of my strength to swat her with my open palm. I imagine her sticking her tongue as I missed her. A couple more seconds later and her side of the mattress shifted. I listened as she shuffled underneath the sheets before slinging an arm across my torso.

"I should have gotten you a shirt."

That was the last I've heard before drifting off to sleep.

*-*-*-*

I woke up to the sound of my alarm which I don't recall setting. Groaning, I sat up, placing my head in between my hands as it was pounding. I reached over to shut the alarm when I saw a pink sticky note attached to it.

"Get to work. Breakfast is on me. –E"

Deciding that it was probably the best distraction right now, I grabbed on some fresh boxers and my towel before heading to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and regulated the heat. Finally satisfied, I stepped beneath the spray of water and allowed the heat to absorb all the tenseness of yesterday's events. I took my time in the bath, slowly soaping and shampooing myself as I felt more of the bad vibes dissolve. With the warm water running cold, I finally had to step out and grab my towel to avoid ending up cold.

I wrapped the towel over my waist and stepped into the bedroom. Grabbing my phone from the bedside table, I found a couple of missed calls, one from Ellie and two from Kurt. Ignoring both, I proceeded to check on my messages.

From Ellie: Better not be late today, mate. You'll be ruining your own record!

To that I typed in a reply to say I was on my way.

The others were all from Kurt. Knowing that I probably still won't be able to handle a conversation with him, I swiped my thumb across his thread and deleted all of it.

Finally pulling on my boxers and the rest of my clothes, I found my finally pair of white coat and hung it on my arm. Grabbing my keys, I made my way out into my car.

*-*-*-*

The hospital lobby was as busy at it has always been, with both people and staff walking around. The air smells clean and sterile. It was comforting, almost therapeutic. Work has always been my biggest distraction, my best escape. It was the one place I could find purpose, where I could feel needed and essential. Pathetic, I know. But desperation calls for such measures. I took the elevator to the third floor where the Internal Medicine Office was. I was surprised to see Ellie already sitting by our table, a huge cup of coffee, a cupcake, a banana and a piece of paper, most likely our census, resting in front of her.

"I knew you'd show up."

"Like I'd rather be anywhere else right now, E."

"You'd be taking the ICU's for today, Blaine. I'm posted at the ER." She said as I lifted the census off the table.

"Alright. Let's start?" I asked prompting her to begin endorsing the patients.

We were halfway through the sheet, and were just about done with Neuro ICU, when I noticed something.

"Where's Danny?"

"He's been transferred out of Neuro last night. He's in the New Building if I remember correctly."

I nodded, trying hard to ignore the hard pull at the pit of my stomach. It's not that hard to trigger an already triggered brain I suppose. I didn't hear much about the rest of the patients and when Ellie told me she has to come down and man the ER, I only managed a nod. As we stood up, she pulled me into a tight hug and reminded me that she was always there. I forced a smile, an effort to give her some reassurance that I would probably be okay. The last thing that I would want to happen is for Ellie to get tired of my whining. Why wouldn't she? I mean, I am tired of me.

I grabbed on the banana and slipped it into my coat pocket before getting the census and the coffee on one hand and the cupcake on the other. I don't really feel like eating but Ellie would kill me if she found them untouched. Walking over to cross the small bridge that linked my building to the ICU, I came across a small boy being wheeled most likely from an imaging procedure basing on the direction he came from. He gave me a small smile. When the orderly stopped briefly to pick up a loose sheet from the chart he was holding I decided to bend over and hand him my cupcake. He beamed and I was just relieved to have gotten rid of it.

Continuing my walk towards the Intensive Care, I felt the hairs at the back of my neck stand-up at the feeling that I was being watched from behind. Glancing quickly over my shoulder, I found a group of male nurses walking towards me, laughing loudly. My heart started pounding and I felt beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I looked forward again and hastened my strides finally reaching the swinging doors of the CCU. As soon as I felt the door close, I saw one of the nurses approaching me, a chart at hand.

"Doctor Anderson, I need you to order an IV to follow for CCU 8."

I felt myself open my mouth but I couldn't quite formulate a response. My ears were ringing and my heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. I raised my hand to pinch on the bridge of my nose before repositioning my glasses. I shut my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. But my heart refuses to calm down.

"Doctor Anderson?"

"I-I uh- I need a minute." I said taking a huge step to the right and running for the doctor's quarters. I closed and locked the door behind me, before sliding to the floor. I felt the tears before I even realized I was crying.

"Not here. Please not here." I pleaded quietly.

I can't have a panic attack here!

Suddenly the place was too small and my clothes too tight. I pulled roughly on my white coat to remove it. The pens from the breast pocket clattering on the floor. Grabbing on the neck of my scrubs, I struggled to breath. That was when I heard Danny. It felt too real.

"You look too cute choking on my dick."

-Fuck, fuck!

This isn't real. He's not here. He's not here!

I need to calm down. I need to calm down. I chanted but as much as I wanted to, I couldn't gain control. I bit hard on my lip, enough that I've tasted blood, just so I could silence my sobs which to me sounded deafening. I focused on the stinging and the blood, desperate to pay attention on anything other than my thoughts. As soon as that started slipping, I knew I needed more.

Looking around, I found my cigarette pack and lighter lying on the floor. Grabbing one item after the other, I placed on one stick on my mouth and lit it. Inhaling deeply I allowed the familiar scent of nicotine fill me. With things settling down a bit, I took another moment to look down on my hand. I'm not even sure what got into me, but suddenly, the lighter felt like the most important thing in the world. I flicked on the switch and watched the flame burn before drawing it close to my other. I felt the heat grow as the flame slowly came in contact with my skin. For a few seconds, I stared dumble, not really aware of what was happening. But soon, the burning sensation sank in and I found myself dropping the lighter and hitting my head against the door as I hissed in pain. Focusing on the throbbing on my arm, I finally found the strength to ignore the voices screaming inside my head. Encircling the wrist of my affected limb with my opposite hand, I took several, now calming deep breaths. I felt my heart slow down, I could finally feel some control over myself.

I made a mental note to find myself some Flammazine and a bandage once I get out before finally pushing myself off the floor. I was just about done pulling my coat back on when I heard a knock.

"Doctor Anderson? CCU 6 is coding."

"I'll be right there." I replied as I grabbed on the knob and opened the door.

The code took around half an hour before the family decided to sign the DNR form. The stinging of the burn underneath my sleeve a welcome distraction from the memories of Burt coding, Kurt's hysterical screaming and the images of Danny's bloody head from days ago.

"Time of death, 10:45AM." I declared. I expressed my condolences before walking to the nurse's station to write on the chart. I then proceeded to call the attending and update him on what happened. The rest of my day passed by similarly and I responded automatically almost robotically. I was feeling numb, an uneasy void growing inside of me. I tried my best to ignore it. By five o'clock, it was time to leave. I skipped passing by the IM office in an attempt to avoid Ellie and practically ran to my car in the parking lot. That adventure thankfully ended uneventful.

I passed by a local pharmacy to buy an antiseptic ointment and some bandages before heading home. Glancing at my sleeve, I could already see a circular stain from where my undressed wound was probably oozing and I cringed at the thought.

Removing the blazer was probably one of the hardest things I had to do all day as the pain of moving my arm was clearly an agony. There was a bullae which appears to have ruptured due to the friction brought about by the rough fabric of my coat, surrounding it were smaller vesicles, all tensed from the fluid inside them. Groaning at the stinging, I slowly applied the ointment on the affected areas before finally dressing it with the gauze. Satisfied, I sank down on the couch I was sitting on and opened the television.

Grabbing my phone from my pants side pocket, I saw a text from Ellie.

From Ellie: You were hiding from me! Where are you?

From Blaine: I'm home. Stop worrying about me. You're on duty, go work. I typed in reply.

From Ellie: You gave my cupcake away.

From Blaine: You working in Pediatrics now?

From Ellie: No. I saw him being wheeled down the lobby.

From Blaine: I wasn't hungry. And I made a sick boy happy!

From Ellie: Very funny Anderson. Feeling hungry now?

I was going to type in another funny remark when it hit me that I haven't really had anything but the coffee she handed me this morning. Tossing my phone on the coffee table, I stood up and searched my fridge and cupboards for something. Finally settling for a bowl of cereal and some milk, I sat back down and texted Ellie again.

From Blaine: Eating now, E.

No reply came after that. I assumed that she has gotten busy. I gave up on the bowl after a spoonful, the urge to vomit becoming more overwhelming than my hunger. Half an hour later I finally decided to get up and prepare for bed.

I changed into a comfortable pair of sweats and an old college shirt after I brushed my teeth and washed my face. I was lying flat on my bed when my demons started speaking again. Not allowing them to overwhelm me this time, I got back up and fumbled through my coat pockets for the orange container I took from CCU6 earlier. The label read Midazolam and I know, this could be the beginning of a drug-dependence, but forgive me, I am having a bad day.

I popped two pills into my mouth and swallowed them dry. Waiting for the drug to take effect, I sat by the kitchen and placed my head against the table. Over the wooden surface, I felt the vibrations of my phone as it rung.

One missed call from Kurt.

Dropping my phone back at the table, I made my way to my room and flopped back down on the bed.

I'm not ready to talk to Kurt. Not now. Probably not ever.