Doctors Need Mending Too

Chapter 14

I was falling - fast. Flashes of light continuously passed through my peripheral vision and I could start feeling my stomach turn as its acids rose to my chest. I closed my eyes but the rapid gushing of wind kept ringing in my ears. I then extended both arms in a desperate need to hold on to something, anything and when I felt that I grasping into nothing but thin air, I braved myself and opened my eyes, only to see a similar pair of olive green irises looking at me. Blaine has both hands extended, reaching out for me. But he was falling to. A couple more seconds passed before I realised that I have started falling faster and the distance between the two of us grew. His figure started getting smaller and smaller and just before he disappered against the blinding light behind him, I screamed.

"No! Blaine, no!!!"

I started thrashing against the restraints brought about by the bed sheets and I had fallen on the floor before I even realised that I was having a bad dream. Cursing, I laid still against the carpeted floor, trying to catch my breath. A full minute later, I turned my head to study the afternoon light shining through Blaine's bedroom window. Finally feeling my heartbeat slow back down to normal, I pushed myself off the floor to look for Blaine. The room was empty aside from me and the mess I've made of the sheets now scattered on the floor. I swiped the back of my hand against my forehead to wipe off the sweat and nervously pulled on the collar of my now crumpled shirt. I felt my body tremble as I bent down to pick up the comforter, the events from earlier today rushing in.

-Where's Blaine?

Quickly pulling the rest of the now sweaty sheets off the bed and throwing them into the hamper, I walked to the door barefooted and began my search. The apartment was quiet and most of the lights were still closed, allowing the lazy afternoon sun illuminate most of the place. I found Blaine sitting by the dinner table, the same green book on top and his forehead resting against the opened page. He seemed asleep, with an open highlighter held on his right hand and several fresh cigarette stubs on a nearby glass ash tray. I felt my heart twinge at how vulnerable Blaine looked like this, at the memory of how scared he looked this morning. It was too late when I realised that my hand has already reached out to touch him. Blaine's head jerked off the book in surprise just as my palm made contact with his shoulder and he almost fell off the seat. Taken aback myself, I pulled my hand away and watched his expression change from surprised to frightened then finally to one of recognition. He raised a hand to readjust his glasses which has fallen low on his nose and blinked several times before speaking.

"Sorry I frightened you." I said.

"I, uhm, yeah. I'm sorry too." He replied, a nervous stutter still evident in the way he spoke.

Blaine was pulling on the sleeves of his worn down sweatshirt, with eyes downcast, obviously avoiding my gaze.

"Carole called." He raised his eyes for a second but just as I was to make eye contact, he looked backed down to pick up his book and pens.

"She said she could pick you up at five. She promised to bring you some clothes too." He said pulling his book closer against his chest as he briefly looked my way again.

"Feel free to take a shower to freshen up. There are a couple of clothes on the bed you can wear while you wait for her." He added as he made his way to the kitchen.

Confused, I proceeded to look for the fresh set of clothes Blaine was pertaining too. Feeling emotionally drained and physically exhausted, I slumped on the now naked bed and sighed deeply not really feeling the need to hurry. Nothing about the things around me could possibly be real. My dad's dead, I actually forced myself onto Blaine, he's afraid - of me, and this relationship is now probably close to over. Frustrated, I ran one hand through my now sticky hair, fighting the urge to actually grab and pull on them. I remained silent, motionless apart from my occasional infuriated groans. Through my slumber, I heard shuffling from outside and the bustle of things from the hall. Curious, I walked outside to find the bathroom door half open And peaking in, I watched Blaine rummage through the medicine cabinet in a fast, urgent pace.

"Where is it? Fuck, fuck! Where is it?!" He exclaimed as he started pushing pill bottles and hair products out of the shelf. I cringed as I watched them fall on the sink and some on the floor with several angry clatters. When the shelf ended up empty, Blaine dropped to the floor and rummaged through the orange containers there. His neck was an angry red from the frustration and once his dry sobs reached my ears I ran forward and dropped to the floor beside him.

I held his shoulders and tried to pull him close but he jerked away so quickly, I had to move back.

"No, no! Please don't touch me. I need.. I-I need my.." He said, his arms thrashing to push me further away as he started to browse through the same bottles.

"Tell me what you need, Blaine!" I said in a raised voice. His panic was causing me to panic. Blaine was going into a full blown anxiety attack and I couldn't do anything.

"I need to calm down! I can't calm down! I need my pills to calm down," He yelled through tears. Finally, as he gave up on looking he pulled his knees to his chest and rested his forehead against them as he weeped.

I tried to go nearer but he stopped me just before I got to take my first step.

"Please, please don't go near me." He pleaded and my heart broke. He pulled his body even closer to himself and I could do nothing but stand there as he fell further apart. I listened to Blaine's whimpers for another minute before I got the courage to reach him again. I lowered myself to the floor but instead of approaching him, I called out his name.

"Blaine? Look at me. Please, look at me."

Blaine's head remained burried in between his knees but his shaking seized making me know that he's listening. A good thirty seconds passed and he slowly lifted his head to reveal a terror stricken expression on his tear streaked face. It had taken some effort but I managed to stop myself from puking my guts out because of guilt.

"Slow, deep breaths." I said, quoting a line my therapist has told me years ago after being required to undergo stress management classes.

I watched him take a full inhale and just before he exhaled, his face twisted in pain again probably due to another painful thought. He shut his eyes to stop the tears and exhaled through his mouth.

He did this a couple more times and I remained on my spot. After the tenth or so cycle, he spoke.

"You should leave. I - I can't calm down with you here."

I nodded dumbly and did as I was told. I went back to the room and gathered my belongings before heading out the door. Leaning against the wooden frame, I felt my own tears start falling. The feeling of guilt, loss, emptiness and dismay came rushing in huge waves and there was nothing I could do to prevent my self from breaking down. Just as I was about to slip down the floor, I felt a familiar set of arms surround me.

"Kurt? It's okay. It's okay."

Carole has found me.

I never said a word about what happened between Blaine and me. But as soon as we arrived at the little chapel where my dad was supposed to be kept for a while, I sought out a phone and contacted Ellie at the the hospital. The speed at which she agreed to check on Blaine has gotten me thinking that this may have not been the first time something like this has happened. We exchanged numbers and she hung up after promising to keep me posted.

I went to the public bathroom to wash my face and change clothes. A couple of minutes in, Ellie texted me that she was on her way to Blaine's apartment. I stared hard into my phone for a good five minutes after that hoping for an update. When nothing came, I walked back out into the chapel and saw that some familiar faces have arrived. Rachel was the first one to come rushing over and amidst all the strong facade I have attempted on building, I felt all of my tears fall.

It was already past midnight by the time I got the chance to check on my phone again. There were a couple of texts from aunts and uncles who lived off state promising to arrive within the next couple of hours, but only one felt clearly important.

Ellie: He's fine. I've just put him to bed. Take care of your self okay? - E

Sighing in relief, I walked back towards my dad's casket and finally allowed myself to grieve.

"I screwed up dad. I wish you were here to tell me how to fix it." I whispered. My dad's motionless body did nothing but twist on my already painful heart a little bit more. Looking around to see that the chapel was now nearly empty, I let myself go.

***

The funeral happened three days later. It was a simple ceremony and I found it in myself to finally consider letting go. Blaine never showed up - no call, no text, no nothing. But how could I blame him? I tried contacting him a couple of times, but when he never replied, I decided to give him the space he clearly deserves.

It took me another two weeks to actually find the courage to go back to work. Still with no news on Blaine, I decided to give Ellie a call.

"Kurt? Hi! I'm guessing your back in New York?"

"I'm just on my way to the airport, actually and I just want to know how Blaine is before I go." I replied quickly.

"Blaine, uhm. Well he showed up for work for a couple of days after you called me. A little out of it to be honest. But his annual leave came up and I haven't heard from him since then either."

"Not a word?" I pressed further.

"That's how he is, Kurt. He goes into his bad days and disappear." She replied, like it was the most normal thing on earth.

"Once he manages to pull his act back together, he'd turn up. I'll update you as soon as I hear anything, okay?"

I agreed, simply because I don't really have much of a choice. We exchanged a couple more words and finally hung up.

One thing's for sure though. I'm not letting Blaine go so easily this time.