I don’t know what happened Blaine, but at least let me know that you’re ok.

~~~~~

Sept 1 @ 9:32 pm
Blaine: What the hell am I going to do?

Matt: are you legitimately im-ing from the room?
why don’t you just come out to the lounge?

Blaine: who’s out there?

Matt: kerry, morgan
that weird guy from the third floor

Blaine: the bongo player?

Matt: his roommate

Blaine: hell no
i need to actually talk to you about this
not listen to that guy play the lute

Matt: ok fine
but for the record, he’s playing the autoharp tonight
i could come in the room

Blaine: no
I think
i might do a better job typing about this

Matt: you’re call
i’m in
tell me your troubles, B-money

Blaine: he emailed me

Matt: bout damn time somebody made a move
it should have been you
but I admire his chutzpah
what did he say?

Blaine: “I don’t know what happened Blaine, but please just let me know that you’re ok. ”

Matt: that’s it?

Blaine: yes

now i feel guilty

Matt: you should feel guilty

you should have talked to him last week

Blaine: i know
but

Matt: but nothing
this guy likes you
don’t dick him around

Blaine: i’m not dicking him around

Matt: you kind of are
from his view, you definitely are

Blaine: i just
don’t know
how to fix
any of this

Matt: ok
that’s fair
to a point
but sometimes it’s not about knowing, it’s about doing

Blaine: what the hell does that even mean?

Matt: like, stop over thinking shit
he likes your weirdo ass

Blaine: he likes my weirdo ass when i’m witty and verbose and winsome
when in reality i’m none of those

Matt: I just looked up winsome
you’re totally winsome

Blaine: thank you matt
but i highly doubt it
you know
you’ve seen me
try to talk to people
it mostly ends in embarrassment
for everyone involved
and those usually aren’t people I’m attracted to
those are just average run of the mill people

Matt: you wanna get drunk and try to call him?

Blaine: did you really just propose drunk dialing the man i might be in love with?

Matt: wow
big talk/type blaine
when did you start talking love?

Blaine: I was being dramatic
and I said “might”

Matt: in any event
it’s an option
you’re 99 times more confident when you’re shitfaced

Blaine: sigh
no

Matt: i know
you really do need to get over yourself

Blaine: i’m totally over myself
i’m so over myself, i don’t even know me
i can’t even see me
or something

Matt: no, you’re not
you pretend you are
but you’re scared

Blaine: i’m terrified

Matt: at least you can admit it

Blaine: i can definitely admit it

can admitting it be half the battle?

Matt: not sure if that works in this case

Blaine: yeah

not when the other half is actually doing something about this
this is so fucked up
how did this get so fucked up?

Matt: i could give you the reader’s digest version
but i don’t want you to cry
again

Blaine: i just never thought i’d be in this situation
i mean
he’s here
i’m here
same place
we could just be together

Matt: i’m pretty sure it’s your fault
that you aren’t

Blaine: for my whole life
i’ve put up these obstacles
like, i can’t do that because I stutter
or I can’t do that because my parents will be mad
or if I do that something bad will happen
but i’m my own roadblock here

Matt: you are
i’m glad you can see that

Blaine: can you help me matt?

Matt: of course
how?

Blaine: i don’t know
but i need help

Matt: when you figure it out
let me know

Blaine: i will
what are you guys watching out there?

Matt: the eleventy billionth season of The Real World
is it possible this is in Singapore?

Blaine: I highly doubt that

@ 10:13 pm
Matt: you could text him
and ask him to meet you at open mic night this week
you could pick out the perfect song
and sing it to him

@ 10:19 pm
Blaine: i could do that!
i could actually do that!

Matt: i know
that’s why i suggested it
you’re really quite good at it :)

Blaine: where’s my ipod?
on your desk?

Matt: uhhhhhh
i may have given it to kerry

Blaine: eff you
get it back

Matt: right now?

Blaine: isn’t she sitting right there?
just ask for it back

Matt: Blaine, this is kerry
matt gave me your ipod as a sign of his undying love
he just failed to mention that it was yours
but your taste in music is awesome

Blaine: thank you kerry

Matt: this is still kerry
but it was a false gift
so tell your roommate that he and i are getting divorced

Blaine: i will relay the message
can you bring me my ipod/your false gift?

Matt: she’s currently walking down the hall
i no longer have a visual

Blaine: that’s cause she’s here

Matt: do you have your precious ipod back?

Blaine: I do
scrolling
scrolling

Matt: you know
you didn’t have to ruin my game
you could have gone through the music on your comp
and kerry and i would still be married

Blaine: I could have

but it would still be MY ipod

and eventually matt

she would have learned

that it was a “false gift”

Matt: too true
what are you coming up with?

Blaine: kingdom come by coldplay?

Matt: come blaine? you really want to go there already?
jeez
so horny

Blaine: i will stab you in your sleep for ruining that song

Matt: promises, promises

Blaine: I just didn’t think it would turn out like this
I don’t know how i thought it would turn out
I guess I thought I’d be brave?
but instead i’m dicking around a guy I really like
for no good reason
Am I currently cockblocking myself?

Matt: i think you are
that’s terrible

Blaine: I’m a terrible human being
I don’t even know how to like someone without ruining both of our lives
he should just run screaming now
i should come with a warning label
“don’t bother. This guy is an asshole.”

Matt: Blaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnne
you’re doing that thing again
the self doubt and ridiculous self deprecation

Blaine: I know
welcome to my world
have a shitty time :(

Matt: Blaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnneee
stop. be cool.
you’re a good boy.
and a very good friend, I’ll have you know.
if you let him get to know you in real life, he’ll like you even more

Blaine: I sort of, kind of believe you

Matt: now let us get back to the task of wooing Kurt
and reminding him why he liked you in the first place, shall we?
what about that Rosie Thomas song you like?
“i’m wandering, i’m crawling”
i can’t think of the title

Blaine: that might be good
it’s not a great key for me
but i could rearrange it

Matt: there’s gotta be others
desperately wanting by better than ezra?

Blaine: that’s one of those songs with a good title
but the lyrics don’t quite fit
we’ve definitely never run through the wet grass together

Matt: you’ll find something
i know it

Blaine: but like
not to change the subject
i’m so dumb, because even if my dad was that pissed at me when I came out
i still could have started a relationship with kurt
and now that my dad’s not pissed
and he’s accepting of me, kind of, sort of
i should be really happy to start something with kurt
and instead of like letting him meet me, i’m being a tool

Matt: you really are being a tool
but the crux of the situation, is that you’re not naturally a tool
you can overcome this toolishness!
it’s toolishness of your own making!

Blaine: I started writing him a letter

Matt: how very elizabethan

Blaine: I’m serious
i know I’ll never get through what I want to say
what I need to say
so i started writing it
the day after i came out

Matt: you could get through saying it
you could try
i think you could do it

Blaine: maybe
but i don’t want to chance it

Matt: ok, i can see that

Blaine: is a letter too much?

Matt: what does it say?

Blaine: I don’t know

Matt: how do you not know?

Blaine: fine, you’re right, obviously I know

It says that I stutter
and it talks about how I put up walls
that I’m terrified of like, pretty much everything
but that he changed my life, just by sending me an email
how hard it was to hide things from him, when I wanted to tell him everything
I wrote about what happened at when I came out and why I stopped talking to him
it’s not finished yet
i need to add an apology obviously
and maybe some stuff about how I’m not generally an assclown

Matt: that sounds kind of beautiful

and you aren’t generally an assclown
that’s what makes this is so hard to watch

Blaine: It’s hard to watch?

Matt: of course
you’re miserable
and I don’t even know this guy
and I feel really bad for him

Blaine: I suck at life.

Matt: it’s ok
you’ll figure this out
we’ll figure it out

i think
if nothing else the letter could be …
what’s that c word that’s kind of like catheter?

Blaine: cathartic?

Matt: CATHARTIC
you need to have a catharsis about kurt
A KURTHARSIS

Blaine: so far, writing it *has been* cathartic

that makes an awful lot of sense
coming from a guy who just confused cathartic and catheter
and then created a portmanteau of Kurt and catharsis

Matt: thank you
you and your fancy schmancy words
are you crying blaine?

Blaine: um
no

Matt: it’d be really good
if you could cry while you were writing the letter
and let your tear drops fall on it
it would heartfelt
and literally tearful

Blaine: smh

Matt: you love it
i’ll help you
i’ll tickle you until you cry

Blaine: oh, no
please don’t

Matt: i think you need cheering up

Blaine: oh God help me

Matt: i’m comin’ atcha blaine anderson

Blaine: i’m going to hide

Matt: you’ll never make it

Blaine: are you typing and running down the hall at the same time?

Matt: I am

Blaine: i’m so scared!!!!

Matt: no blaine, this is going to be wonderful

Blaine: terrifying

Matt: i’m heerrrrrrrreeeee

Blaine: q5jiop’ihtoqw’ esr.?ks;.

~~~~~

@ 11:58 pm
Matt: are you cheered up?

Blaine: are you im’ing me while we’re in the same room?

Matt: obviously
such a stupid question Blaine

Blaine: I am cheered up
definitely
thanks

Matt: good
now stop being an assclown and do something about your boy

Blaine: yes sir.

Matt: also i think when we’re done wooing Kurt
you should help me woo Kerry
You’re not allowed to give me judgmental looks while we’re im-ing

Blaine: that wasn’t judgmental
that was just “you’re mental”
of course I’ll help
it’s the least I can do

Matt: it really is
seeing as how benevolent and helpful I am

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine
Date: Thurs, Sept. 2nd 1:36 am
Subject: Re: Please?

I’m ok. I just... need a little more time.