Blaine can tell his father is fuming mad. The car is only a couple months old and apparently it has a faulty electrical system. Blaine knows this trip will be filled with landmines. But he has to go get him, his mom’s at a baby shower.

When his father gets in the car, he greets Blaine with a “Damn car, it better be fixed before we leave for vacation.” At least his rage is focused at the car rather than Blaine. Poor car, Blaine thinks. He’s also thrilled that he isn’t going on vacation with his parents. Can’t miss the last week of camp, that’s when they have color war.

He just nods as he pulls out of the lot.

In a rare moment of spontaneity, his father suggests they stop at the new coffee place that just opened on their way home. Blaine hasn’t been there yet, but he agrees, because it’s easier to agree. Coffee has been known to soothe the savage beast, which is how Blaine thinks of his father’s anger.

When they get inside, the place is fairly packed. Blaine isn’t paying much attention to what’s going on, just reading the menu and thinking about coffee. When it’s his turn to order he just asks for an iced mocha. It pops out without any duress. But then the girl behind the counter asks for his name.

His dad has already made his way down the line to wait for his drink and Blaine looks around, suddenly aware that his vocal chords are locked. The girl behind the counter just looks at him, as he tries to clear his throat and jar the word loose. (This.) Nothing’s happening though. And he starts to shake his head.

“Are you ok? Are you having a seizure or something?” the girl asks, her face suddenly becoming fearful.

Blaine knows he can’t explain, there are no words that will get through right now. Other people are looking too, but his father remains oblivious. The woman in line behind him touches his arm, “Do you need help? Are you here by yourself?”

He hears other voices now. All slightly panicked, all talking about him.

“Maybe we should call an ambulance?”

“I don’t know anything about seizures.”

“If he falls to the ground, we have to make sure he doesn’t swallow his tongue.”

Everything is falling apart, the world is blurring at the edges. This is why Blaine doesn’t order coffee at places like this. This is everything he fears. (This is why.) This is everything that’s wrong with him.

He has to get out of here immediately. He can’t even get his father’s attention to signal that he’s going out to the car. Instead, he just puts his hand firmly over his mouth, shakes his head violently and runs from the store.

“Oh, maybe he was going to throw up!” the girl behind the counter exclaims as the door to the shop closes behind Blaine.

Outside is so bright and Blaine’s so distracted by his thoughts, for a minute he can’t find the car. For a minute, he can’t find his breath. (This is why you can never.) He lets himself start to cry, even though he really doesn’t want his father to find him crying in the car. However, Blaine knows that if doesn’t release a little of this bottled up emotion, he really might be sick. Tears over vomit any day.

He gets in the car and bows his head on the steering wheel. Why does this happen? Why do these things happen just when he thinks he might be making progress? (This is why you can never meet Kurt.) And why does he let them, these situations, bring him down so far, so fast?

He takes deep breaths, in, out. Count to ten. Clench his fists, unclench his fists. Blink. Breathe.

Stop crying. It’s not worth crying. Wipe your eyes.

In another minute, his father is at the car too.

“What the hell just happened in there, Blaine? People are talking about some boy having a seizure or an attack of some kind. And when I looked around, you weren’t there. What happened? What’s your problem?”

He doesn’t say anything. He knows the answer, but he can’t do this yet. He buries his face in his hands and breathes. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. He removes his hands from his face and turns to his father. With the barest trace of quiet rage in his voice, Blaine says exactly what he’s wanted to say for the past 19 years.

“My ppproblem is you.” Blaine can feel all the words building in his throat, every unspoken thought he’s had about his father is coming up and they all want out.

He father scoffs. “Don’t do this Blaine. Don’t make my day worse.”

“Why? You always mah-make my day worse. You’ve never, ever given me a bbbreak. So why would I give you a break?” Blaine suddenly feels like a truth machine, churning out truths faster than he even knew he could think them

“Do you really want to do this Blaine? Do you really want to pick this fight with me, when the person you’re really mad it is yourself?” His father’s right, he is mad at himself, but that doesn’t make Blaine wrong.

“I am mad at myself, but I’m more mah-mad at you. And I’m mad at the whole world for being so fucking inconsiderate and sssselfish.” Blaine is shocked that he just swore like that in front of his father. But Blaine is finally, thoroughly, fully angry. Not disappointed or hopeless. Blaine is Angry. With a capital A.

“Do you think I’m inconsiderate and selfish?” his father asks, with a warning twitch of his eyebrows.

“I think you’re the kkking of inconsiderate and self-selfish. And I don’t just think that about how you treat me. I think that about how you tah-treat Mom, too. You treat her like she’s hardly more than a hired ssservant.” Blaine is on fire now. His face is on fire, he words are flames. This is everything he’s ever wanted to say.

“Don’t bring my relationship with your mother into this. That is none of your business. This is about you and me. Let’s call it for what it is. I have a feeling you’ve just been waiting for an opportunity to say these things since you got home this summer.”

“SSSSince I got home?” Blaine sneers, “I’ve bbbeen waiting to say these things my whole life. I’ve finally found my voice you arrogant son of a bitch.” He’s so happy he didn’t stutter on the word bitch. Small victories.

“You obviously didn’t find your voice in the coffee place,” he father mocks.

Blaine’s jaw drops.

“That was low. That was really fucking low, but I’m not ssssurprised. Why do you hate me? Why are you so hateful?” These are the questions that Blaine has wanted answers to for his whole life. He can’t believe he finally asked.

“I don’t hate you, I don’t know you. You never let me in.” His father suddenly seems sad. But Blaine’s not having any of it. He moves in for the jugular.

“You’ve nah-never given me any reason to ever think you wwwwanted in! You won’t even look at me! You don’t l-l-listen to me! I don’t think you’ve ever heard a single word I said.” Blaine has been building these thoughts for so long, he’s not sure if he’s going to be able to stop them all from leaking out now.

“I sssstopped trying to talk to you along time ago. You would just... reject mmme. I couldn’t handle that from mmmy own father. So I wah-wah-walked away.” Blaine is winding down a little now, he can feel himself starting to close off and lose his momentum.

“I hear you make excuses and avoid shit. I see you walk away from opportunities because you’re too big of a coward to even try.” Another low blow, Pops, Blaine thinks. But again, he’s not surprised. He’s falling apart around the edges again and he knows he needs to get just one more thing out. One last thought before he loses it.

“If I’m a coward it’s bbbbecause you made me that way. You could have helped mah-me. You’re my ffffather. You used to st-stutter.” His voice dying out now, fading as his anger recedes into sadness and shame. “You could have helped me.”

“I believed that you needed to help yourself,” his father’s voice is filled with an emotion that Blaine can’t quite place.

“I needed you.”

~~~~~

The ride back to the house is icy to say the least. Blaine feels drunk on his emotions and just can’t wait to go crash into his bed.

He really wishes he had an iced mocha.

This is why he can never meet Kurt.

~~~~~

A moment from Blaine’s mom

Whatever happened between those two today is making this house a terribly tense place to be right now. My husband’s stormy silence is telling because he rarely makes a secret of his anger. Bellowing is the term I like to use for the way he behaves after having a fight with one of his sons. But this is different. This is … unnerving.

I’ve tried to work as a go between, to broker a truce, but they’re both so alike when they’re being stubborn. Whatever this was, I think they’re actually embarrassed. I know what Blaine is like when he’s embarrassed, so I can say for sure that’s what this is with him. My husband is harder to pin down, he’s lost his humility somewhere along the way. But I think whatever happened today shook him to his core. And it shamed him.

I just have a hard time imagining Blaine shaming his father. Although, if that's the case, I think I might be just a little bit proud of him. Blaine fights such unpleasant battles with the world, but the worst are always with his dad. If he, for even moment, gave the man pause, it would be such a big win for Blaine.

I have no idea how to fix this. I just know I don’t want to be around either of them right now. Where’s Cooper when I need him to even up the sides?