He’s never, ever let himself just... talk like that before. Not even to Paula. Or type like that, as it’s not actually speaking. Basically, he’s never expressed himself via any medium with that much earnestness and candor.

For most of the conversation he just had with Kurt, his hands were shaking and his stomach was in a free-fall. He told Kurt he’s shy. That’s a really big deal to Blaine. Unfortunately, he’s well aware that he wasn’t completely honest. Which is a vicious cycle, because the whole reason he brought up his shyness in the first place was to illustrate that he’s not proud that he’s not always himself. And promptly, he wasn’t honest about himself.

On the one hand, Blaine is shy. On the other hand, that’s certainly not his biggest obstacle. If he really wanted to be honest with Kurt, he would have told him about his stutter. He would have told him why he’s shy. His eyes are crossing just trying to reason this out. He should make a flow chart or something.

Blaine sometimes thinks about a world where he doesn’t stutter. It’s hard to imagine not being nervous and holding back when opening his mouth. He always assumed he would still be reserved, introverted. But when he looks at the emails he sends Kurt, and their i.m. conversations, he wonders if that might be closer to the real thing. The real Blaine that he yearns to be.

There’s a few things about the conversations that immediately jump out out at Blaine. He’s not suave or cool. But he’s funny, he’s quick, and he has an excellent vocabulary. In real life, he’s often hurriedly trying to substitute words. Half the time when he speaks, his sentences are just barely what he even means to say because he’s substituting words half-assedly, grasping for any word that sort of fits what he means to say.

But with Kurt, online, he’s different. He’s still nervous, but it’s more like wanting to say the right thing and impress Kurt, rather than being nervous about saying something period.

It’s weird that they’ve barely known each other for even a month yet. Even weirder that they don’t actually “know” each other in real life. Blaine still wonders if he’s the Face, but every time that thought goes through his head, he berates himself. “Life is not a fairy tale, B.” (His inner voice often sounds like Cooper these days.)

~~~~~

A moment from Blaine’s boss

Maggie Coleman has been running Camp Sunnyside since the early 1980’s. She’s hired many, many camp counselors over the years. She’s probably passed on hiring 5 times as many. Maggie is very relieved she didn’t pass up hiring Blaine Anderson.

Upon first meeting him, she may have had some reservations about hiring a camp counselor who stuttered. Her gut reaction was that it was a bad idea. She worried that he wouldn’t be able to handle the children or take charge. She worried that the children might not listen to him or behave for him, maybe sensing a weakness because he sounded different than other people.

She was very, very wrong.

Watching this young man interact with children is a pleasure. If only all the counselors cared the way Blaine does. He requested to work with the youngest campers, which is by no means easy. She worried that he didn’t know what he was getting himself into. Such a wide eyed kid, who told her so sincerely, so earnestly during his interview that he really wants to teach music or maybe kindergarten.

Everyday he impresses her though. She sees him crouch down to the campers level when they cry, break up arguments with only a stern look at the offending pair, and fix up scraped knees with the most gentle hands. She’s never, in her 33 years of running this camp seen a 19 year old like Blaine Anderson.

Even just a week into the season, Maggie’s looking forward to handing him a reference letter at the end of August and offering him an open ended job for every summer henceforth.

She can see that he has such potential.

She’s so happy she didn’t go with her gut this time.

~~~~~

Blaine likes his job, he really does.

But certain days are just hell.

He loves the kids, and almost fits in with the other counselors. They think he’s a kiss ass because he actually gets in the pool with his campers during free swim and because he sits with the kids at lunch, rather than shooting the breeze in clusters like the rest of the counselors do.

He’s here for the kids, not to make friends.

Truth be told, he heard a couple of the other counselors laugh at his stutter on the first day. During lunch, a group of them waved him over. He was nervous. A lot of his ticks started in, blinking, fist clenching, and when he tried to introduce himself, not much came out of his mouth. He took a deep breath and smiled and tried again.

It had been a long time since he was in this position. Blushing, blinking and blocking. All of the blah words. He did eventually get his name out. And he tried to make some small talk about the weather. “Yeah, I hope it www-won’t be this hot all sah-sah-sssummer,” he said, smile still on his face, eyes anywhere but making contact with anyone else. He excused himself after that, saying he wanted to check on the kids and see if they needed anything. As he walked away, he heard one of the guys say “sah sah sah sah!” He only got one laugh, everyone else told him to shut up. But Blaine felt... ostracized from the group after that. So he avoided them.

Throughout the summer, there were a couple of the counselors who would invite him out sometimes, to bars or the movies or to dinner. But he didn’t have a fake id and he’d rather go to the movies by himself and he couldn’t imagine trying to sit through dinner with relative strangers. He would always say no and they would tease him, mostly good-naturedly.

About a week into the summer, he briefly considered quitting. It was a terrible, terrible day. Two of his teeny tiny campers had gotten into a serious fight, like a punching and pulling hair fight. He had to bodily drag them apart. He’s not even sure what happened. Then one of his other kids peed in the pool and another threw up in the changing room. It was just terrible.

But at the end of the day, right before the kids were getting picked up, one of the boys, Teddy (or the Urinator as Blaine would always think of him from that day on), came up next to Blaine and gave him a hug. He looked up at Blaine, middle teeth missing, mouth in a wide smile.

“Thank you for being my friend,” Teddy said.

“Thank you fffor being my friend,” Blaine replied, as he put an arm around Teddy’s back.

“I’m sorry I peed in the pool.”

“It’s all good, little man, these things happen. Nobody’s mmmad about it. Ok?” Blaine reassures the boy.

“Ok.” Teddy bounds away as his mom pulls up to the curb. He waves at Blaine as he hops up into the car and Blaine feels warm.

Someone else approaches him from the side. It’s the camp director, Maggie. She is a seriously intimidating woman. She’s the kind of woman that goes home and has a scotch and a steak cooked rare every night for dinner. Blaine heard that she was in the Navy. He does his best not to cower.

“I’ve been watching you with those kids, Blaine,” Maggie starts. “I’m very impressed. If you need anything from me, do not hesitate to ask.”

Blaine feels that warmth again and smiles and says “Yes. Yes, ma’am.” He nods and waves as he makes his way to staff lot.

He’s definitely not going to quit.

~~~~~

A few weeks after his terrible, horrible, no good, rotten day, he gets home from work and finds that he has an abundance of emails. One from Matt, one from Kurt and about a million alerts for this week’s discussion thread on Angela’s Ashes.

He decides to open Matt’s email first, just to hold the suspense a little longer.

To: Blaine, From: Matt
Date: Wed, July 9th, 11:37 pm
Subject: Hot dudes on the internet

If you’re reading this email, you should know that I lied about the hot dudes.

I just wanted to get your attention.

Do you have my guitar strap? The one I bought at that weird fireworks depot/Mexican cantina/t-shirt emporium in Pennsylvania over spring break? I can’t find it anywhere. Either you stole it, I left it somewhere, or my little brother is hiding it from me.

I could tickle the information out of him, but I thought I’d ask you first.

Don’t be jeally Blaine, I would tickle the information out you, too, if we were in the same state.

~~~~~

To: Matt, From: Blaine
Date: Thurs, Jul 10th, 5:51 pm
Subject: Re: Hot dudes on the internet

How dare you accuse me?

Fine. I have it. It got mixed in with my belt collection.

That time I wore it as a belt...

That was a weird night.

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Kurt
Date: Thurs, Jul 10th, 12:42 pm
Subject: I can’t even, with her

D.Marshall @ 9:43 am
I just really don’t think the character of Angela is so great. Why does everyone thing she’s so great? I mean it’s not even really about her. It’s about her kids. It should be called Frank’s Ashes.

I saw this and exclaimed: MOTHER OF PEARL. (which is completely your fault. You and your sanitized camp counselor cursing. You’ve ruined me.)

Who let this girl into college? How in the holy hamburger (sanitized! you’ve sanitized me!) did she get into NEW YORK UNIVERSITY?

I’m fuming. WTF. (which stands for “what the fudge,” because you have taken all the joy out of swearing.)

I can’t even swear properly anymore, Blaine!

You suck. (haha, i said it!)

D.Marshall sucks. (she does!)

I’ve had 4 espressos.

I rolled over my toe earlier? And I yelled “Cheese on cracker!” What does that even mean Blaine??? What does that even mean??? And everyone in the office looked at me like I was the crazy one?

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine
Date: Thurs, Jul 10th 6:02 pm
Subject: Lay off the crack pipe, sir

Dearest Kurt,

Lovely to hear from you today. I particularly enjoyed the humorous anecdote you divulged about your school chums. A truly marvelous tale, woven with such an eye for detail. Their opinions seem not only sound and intelligent, but somewhat lyrical in quality.

We must speak again soon.

Sincerely,
Blaine Anderson

ps- cheese on a cracker kurt
pps- FUNKY cheese on a FUNKING FUNKY cracker
pppps- I’ve ruined swearing for you because misery loves company
ppppppppps- MUAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Kurt
Date: Thurs, July 10th 6:05 pm
Subject: Re: Lay off the crack pipe, sir

Step away from the flippin’ thesaurus and meet me on i.m., ya birdbrain.

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Matt
Date: Thurs, July 10th, 6:13 pm
Subject: Re: Hot dudes on the internet

You own exactly one belt. Which may or may not be my guitar strap. To call it a “belt collection” is a bit of an overstatement, don’t you think?

Some day Blainey-boy you and I are going to send normal emails to each other and on that day I will weep.

Speaking of hot dudes, what’s going on with your internet friend?