If you’re lost and alone
and you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry On by Fun.

I figured at this point in your trip, you might need something a little... uplifting. So Matt and I made you this video and we end up sort of rocking out to it. I think, no matter what, it’ll make you smile.

Or possibly make you laugh uncontrollably and fall out of your chair.

~~~~~

March 4th
@ 12:04 pm

Kurt: Hey
I hope you don’t mind im-ing instead of skyping today

Blaine: Hi!
no, not at all

Kurt: I needed to get out of my room and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to find a place to skype in public
so I’m just at a cafe

Blaine: why did you need to get out of your room?

Kurt: A very angry German couple moved in down the hall
and they were fighting a lot this morning.
I thought they were leaving, but I think they just had angry bathroom sex
and then went back to their apartment

Blaine: Weird.

Kurt: uncomfortably weird.

Blaine: how’s everything else?

Kurt: Things are ok
the weather’s getting nicer
Julia and I went for the world’s longest walk on Sunday afternoon

Blaine: That sounds nice :)

Kurt: It was
I felt the need to ramble
it was a good platform for rambling

Blaine: What did you need to ramble about?

Kurt: the usual
missing you
feeling out of sorts
kind of wishing I was in New York

Blaine: that sucks
I’m sorry everything is bumming you out still
I thought maybe it was getting better

Kurt: It *is* better
it’s just not great
I don’t really... like it here

Blaine: Now my heart hurts again

Kurt: NO! Your heart doesn’t have to hurt
I’m fine. I’m just kind of dull
and homesick
but not really homesick
just... Blainesick.

Blaine: hehe. Blainesick
we only have 86 more days to go
that’s doable, right?

Kurt: of course it’s doable!
I mean, it’s not like being here is torture
it’s just not what I always imagined

Blaine: So it’s a general sort of disappointed in the reality of it

Kurt: precisely

Blaine: stupid

Kurt: yep
what’s up with you?

Blaine: I don’t know
lots of stuff
but also nothing

Kurt: That doesn’t make sense Blaine

Blaine: I guess I just mean the usual is up

Kurt: such as...?

Blaine: I made a presentation in my human development class
it went *exceptionally* well, according to Natalie
I skyped with my mom for the first time and she was happy
and Chad thinks I’m actually coming out of my plateau/backslide
Chad insists it was just a plateau
I insist it was a backslide
We’ve decided to agree to disagree.
Matt and I are going to start playing open mic night again
we kept forgetting to sign up for the past couple months
but it’s time to start again
I really miss it
sign language is still like my most favorite class ever
and DiDi is one of the weirdest/funniest person I’ve ever met

Kurt: Wow, I would definitely not call any of that “nothing”

Blaine: well, I guess, nothing that interesting, I mean

Kurt: I’m interested
I feel so removed from everything
you would have told me all about that stuff if I was home
and now it’s just like you’re filling me in after that fact

Blaine: oh. I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean it like that
it’s just little stuff, everyday stuff
I guess, stuff I don’t have time to really fill you in on before it’s a moot point

Kurt: I think I know what you mean
like by the time you explain it all, it’s over

Blaine: yes!
I don’t want you to think that I’m purposely withholding shit from you though
I’ve just had to find alternatives to telling you everything

Kurt: alternatives?

Blaine: well, yeah
I tell Matt more
and Tina
and I don’t know, it just takes so long to type an email
and we can’t skype every day
I mean, we could, but with schedules and the time difference, it’s hard
Does any of this make sense?

Kurt: yes. It does
don’t worry Blaine, I’m not offended

Blaine: Ok. Good. I really don’t want to offend you
I just had to find other people to talk to

Kurt: I’m glad to hear you *want* to talk to people

Blaine: me too
it makes life easier
my brain doesn’t feel as full or as tired as it used it

Kurt: really?
what do you mean?

Blaine: I guess I used to hold so much in
my mind would be like racing a lot
but the more I talk, it’s like I can … unburden my brain
I think I sleep better at night

Kurt: huh. I’m surprised you never mentioned that before

Blaine: I think I only noticed because I wasn’t talking as much right after you left
before I met you, that was just my life, lots of thoughts, nowhere to put them
but then I met you and even just talking to you online last summer lifted some of my mental burden.
and then when I actually started physically speaking to you
it was even less encumbered

Kurt: Is it because you know I don’t mind listening?

Blaine: Oh for sure
But also, you make me feel like talking
because you don’t care if I talk

Kurt: I like when you talk
but I don’t mind if you don’t want to talk
I certainly would care if you stopped talking entirely though

Blaine: yeah. well, that’s what I mean.
It’s like you took all the pressure off
I feel like I want to tell you everything
and I *can* tell you everything
because you don’t mind if I don’t tell you everything

Kurt: I actually think I know what you mean
it’s all rather complicated though

Blaine: it is
but just being able to talk in general is … kind of amazing
It has all these positive effects.
on like my brain and my mood

Kurt: That’s fascinating
your brain fascinates me

Blaine: my brain is a weirdo
but I’m glad you like it

Kurt: I do. I think it’s awesome.

Blaine: Do you mind hearing some random thoughts it’s having?

Kurt: I don’t mind even a little.
bring it on.
I always like to hear your thoughts
I think they’ll make me feel better

Blaine: well, I’ve been thinking about my dad stuff again
it sort of comes and goes in my head
I talked it all out that one night with everyone
but I think I’m ready to go a little deeper

Kurt: ok

Blaine: and the good news about you
is that you know EVERYTHING
I haven’t necessarily told everyone everything
just what was necessary for the ice fishing story
like Tina, Rachel and Puck know my dad and I have a bad relationship
but I didn’t tell them about him hitting me
although Matt knows the whole story now
because I needed someone to SPEAK to about the whole thing
so I explained it all to him before I left
the bad relationship
the hitting
my dad’s stutter
and I told him about how I want to try
but I think I need to type about the heavier stuff now
typing is still an easier method of conveying thoughts for me
anyway
tangent

Kurt: that’s a-ok
it’s good for me to know these things for the future
about who knows what

Blaine: true
I mean, it doesn’t have to be a secret, I just didn’t feel like getting into it with everyone
alright, so the night I came back from ice fishing
Matt was saying how usually I’m so optimistic about stuff
like I don’t usually let things get me down
and I don’t usually fixate so much on things

Kurt: I think I would only agree with that to a point
you fixate a lot on the mistakes you make with your speech
and you shouldn’t

Blaine: that’s true
I didn’t think of that when he was saying this
well, aside from my speech and speech related issues, I tend to be pretty positive about stuff

Kurt: that I can agree with
I told my dad once that 90% of the time you’re the happiest person I know

Blaine: well then, that makes me smile likes this :D

Kurt: you’re so cute and dumb and endearing

Blaine: I KNOW!
I just need to harness my optimism with my dad stuff

Kurt: I think you could do that
I think it’s like what we said at Christmas
we sort of agreed that you should give him this one chance
so you gave him the ice fishing chance
and he didn’t fail, right?

Blaine: right
so I guess now it’s like, what’s the next step?

Kurt: Yes. What’s the next step?
Maybe *you* need to take the next step?

Blaine: I could. That’s not a terrible idea
he brought up the idea of going to therapy together again last weekend
so maybe that’ll happen over spring break
and I think maybe after that I should invite him to New York
for like a weekend?

Kurt: Wow. I’m impressed Blaine
would you really want him around?

Blaine: I don’t know
I’d rather if him and my mom came together
so maybe I should present it like that
but I think I should be the one to bring it up

Kurt: then I think you should too

Blaine: I don’t plan on going home this summer
so maybe they should come see me at the end of the semester

Kurt: where are you staying this summer????

Blaine: Matt and I are looking for apartments
it’s time to leave the dorms

Kurt: YAY! I’m so glad
I hadn’t wanted to bring the summer up
because it’s still far away
but I realllllly didn’t want you to go home

Blaine: I didn’t want to go home either!
So I’m not!
yayayayay!
and I found out I can get a camp job through the people that run after care
they run a camp all summer

Kurt: YES

Blaine: So, awesome, all around right?

Kurt: YES
ok, back to dad stuff and then perhaps we’ll continue celebrating summer

Blaine: I guess my point is
if he’s trying
then I’m trying

Kurt: Good for you

Blaine: Trying makes me feel better
trying makes me feel like I have some control in the situation
And I’m not going to let that bastard win this round

Kurt: I’m so glad bonding with your father has turned into a competition

Blaine: It’s a theme in my life
and it’s all your fault

Kurt: no way
you were competitive before I started getting competitive

Blaine: no way!
I was competitive *because* you got competitive

Kurt: what, no, impossible

Blaine: Kurt. I’m like the most passive person on earth
I’m only competitive with you
most of the time, if someone wants to win
I’m like “sure, no problem. Here, just stand on my face so you can reach the basketball net easier.”

Kurt: LOL
you’re right
the competitiveness is all my fault

Blaine: HA! I win!

Kurt: this wasn’t a competition! this was just a discussion!

Blaine: NOPE! It was a debate
and I won it with through skill and written acuity

Kurt: you suck

Blaine: so do you
and I mean that in the euphemistic sense

Kurt: I didn’t mean it euphemistically
but now I can’t stop giggling

Blaine: I told you my brain is weird

Kurt: gah. sexual frustration

Blaine: now *I* can’t stop giggling

Kurt: about my sexual frustration?
you should have never shown me your abs last time

Blaine: HA! They’re even better now.

Kurt: Rude.

Blaine: my mom told me she liked my beard
which I feel like was a big thing for her to admit
she’s worse than you are about keeping my hair trimmed and whatnot

Kurt: sigh sigh sigh
i kind of like your beard too

Blaine: YES YES YES
tap dancing font
now that is a MAJOR win

Kurt: but I still think you should shave when I get home

Blaine: oh, that was always the plan
I think by the time you get home it’s going to be hot
temperature wise
and itchy as hell
it’s not a great summer look

Kurt: I mean it could be
but you just don’t care enough about grooming

Blaine: I care about grooming!

Kurt: you do not

Blaine: no. you’re right. I don’t.

Kurt: exactly.
summer beards need to be trimmed

Blaine: I hate trims

Kurt: hence why you aren’t suited to have a summer beard

Blaine: alright, alright
I get it

Kurt: I can’t wait to shave your face

Blaine: I feel like that’s sort of threatening

Kurt: Don’t be a baby
it’ll be awesome

Blaine: I know
everything will be awesome
just because you’ll be back

Kurt: I think this is the point in the conversation where we both just sort of start making weird noises
because we miss each other so much

Blaine: KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTT
insert wailing font

Kurt: I know, I know
insert me patting your head font

Blaine: I just miss you so fucking much
this is dumb

Kurt: it is
I’m sorry
I hate that we’re both like this

Blaine: sigh. it’s ok.
you shouldn’t apologize
you had to go
you didn’t have a choice

Kurt: I know, you’re right

Blaine: I just hate how every time we talk, we end up like this
We’re grown ups
let us be mature and reasonable about this

Kurt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I just want to cry and whimper and be a big baby about how much I miss you

Blaine: Kurt. Maturity.
chin up
and all that razzmatazz

Kurt: razzmatazz?

Blaine: Yes
just go with it.

Kurt: ok. you’re right poophead.
let’s be grown ups about this
stop with the wailing and teeth gnashing of pain and loneliness

Blaine: yes. it’s over. We shall never spiral there again
at least not until next time we talk
because unfortunately, this time is just about over

Kurt: yes, I noticed the time was drawing nigh

Blaine: tis
I must be running off to work
So I can be your sugar daddy when you return from Paris

Kurt: Yes. exactly.

Blaine: You haven’t met any beautiful Parisians right?

Kurt: I haven’t met anyone who could ever rival you.

Blaine: Aw. Samesies.

Kurt: I love you so much poop

Blaine: I love you too fella

Kurt: I’ll talk to you this weekend maybe?

Blaine: Yeah, I should be around. We might be able to skype for a bit on Saturday afternoon?

Kurt: YES, that sounds perfect.

Blaine: I’ll email you when I have a time
I don’t think I have any plans until later at night.

Kurt: YAY! Talk to you then.

Blaine: Love you, miss you.

Kurt: love you, miss you, MORE THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE.

Blaine: Doubt it.

Kurt: Bye Blaine

Blaine: Bye Kurt.