You're an abacus
And my heart was counting on us
Your heart's got a heavy load
There's still a long way to go
Keep your eyes on the road

Adrift by Barenaked Ladies

I was thinking about writing you a song, Kurt. Actually, I was thinking about writing you 19 songs, one for every week you’d be away. I even started a couple times but nothing quite worked. I couldn’t consolidate all of my feelings into something singable. I realized that even if I want to believe that the way I feel about you is entirely unique, people have been singing about love and goodbye and longing for pretty much all of eternity.

Instead of writing you 19 songs, I decided to sing you 19 songs. I’ve given a lot of them a different feel than the original version. Some of them I played on the piano, some on the guitar. Sometimes I made Matt help me out, much to his chagrin. I recorded a few just with vocals and I recorded a few with video. But they all mean something and I made sure to take the time with each one and write down what they mean to me or why they remind me of us or how they make me think of you.

When I started looking for songs that would work for this flash drive, Adrift was the first one I found. It made me think about you leaving, but also about you coming back. And really, any song that has the phrase “the phone makes me cry” is too perfect not to sing to you.

This is where the soundtrack of our semester apart begins. Listen on and I hope you like it.

~~~~~

Blaine is walking to speech therapy 8 days after Kurt’s departure. It’s a shockingly pretty afternoon for January in New York and he feels completely... ok. He’s not particularly sad, at the moment, and there’s nothing quite like sunshine to warm you up and make you smile. Blaine always feel happier when it’s sunny.

He’s been sort of … gingerly poking at the idea of Kurt really being gone, almost like the thought itself is a bruise in his mind.

After the initial sadness, his “missing Kurt” feelings have settled into “somewhat manageable missing Kurt” feelings, so that’s good he thinks. And he knows he won’t necessarily feel the same way the whole time Kurt’s away, but for now he’s ok, which is really all Blaine wants to be.

Over the past week, he’s made sure to keep himself busy. With classes starting and working 4 days a week this semester, it’s not a difficult feat. He didn’t schedule any sessions with Chad last week, because he wanted to have his schedule worked out before adding his two hour long weekly sessions with Chad into the mix.

So, he’s very much looking forward to speech today. He wants to tell him about how Kurt’s departure and he can’t wait to talk about the “no voice” policy in his sign language class. Chad is definitely going to understand Blaine’s enthusiasm about it. He’s looking forward to talking about NOT talking. Blaine is amused by the irony of it all.

He knows it’s a good thing he’s seeing Chad today. He’s been spending far too much time in his own head since Kurt left. The only people he’s really spoken to are Matt and Kerry. He knows he should make a point of getting in touch with Kurt’s friends and he meant to all weekend, but he was just worried. Blaine hates bothering people. He hates the feeling of forcing someone to hang out with him. This weekend, he promises himself that he’ll at least text Rachel. Mostly because he knows if he doesn’t, Kurt’s going to end up doing something embarrassing, like telling Rachel to invite Blaine over.

Blaine is on autopilot as walks, deep in thought, humming under his breath. His eyes are trained on the sidewalk ahead of him, so he doesn’t notice the familiar figure approaching from the opposite direction.

~~~~~

A moment of Tina

Tina would have never guessed Blaine would look quite so different walking down a street than he had in Rachel’s basement a few weeks ago.

He’s smaller out here in the world somehow and obviously doesn’t want anyone to notice him. She almost feels like she shouldn’t interrupt whatever train of thought he’s currently working on, but it would be downright rude to just let him pass her by.

~~~~~

“Hey, Blaine!” Tina calls brightly, as Blaine draws nearer to her.

He’s startled out of his thoughts and looks around for a moment confusedly. He tries to smile, but he knows it’s comes out sort of pained.

“Oh, hi. I-I-I mm-mm-mm-me-mean, hey.” He tries not to berate himself for being so awkward right from the start. Usually if he can get off on the right foot around people things go smoother. Today doesn’t appear to be a smooth day though. He was caught off guard, and that never bodes well for him. Regroup, Blaine, he tells himself.

“How’s it going?” she asks.

“Nothing.” Blaine winces and his neck jerks.”I-I-I-I-I-I.” He pauses, canceling his block and tries again. “I thought you ww-ww-ww-wwww-ere going to ss-ss-ss-say ‘what’s up.’ That’s ww-why I sssss-said nah-nah-nah-nothing.” He shakes his head and blushes. This is bad and getting worse. “Sorry.” He adds, blinking in a way he can’t control.

“No big deal,” Tina replies with a shrug and a kind smile.

He swallows a couple of times, unsure of how to proceed and pretty pissed off at himself for being so nervous. On New Year’s Eve, he had immediately felt comfortable around Tina. He had appreciated her confession about her fake stutter, despite the fact that it could have been a thorny topic, and was at ease around her. But somehow here, unexpectedly on the street, her presence is jarring and making him feel out of sorts.

He wants to gain some control of himself in the situation, but doesn’t know what to say. A quick glance at her face tells him he’s starting to make her a bit uncomfortable. He bites his lip and looks at the ground.

“I was just going to see Rachel at work,” Tina gestures off in the direction of the coffee place. “Would you like to join me for some delicious employee discount coffee?” Tina feels weird about how formally that sentence came out. Apparently she’s a sponge for other people’s awkwardness and discomfort.

“Oh. Uh. Nah-nah-nah,” Blaine pauses and huffs out a breath of steam into the cold air. “No thank you. I-I-I-I have an... appointment.”

“Ok. Maybe next time?” Tina asks hopefully. She was sort of planning on being friends with Blaine. She thought they hit off quite well on New Year’s Eve and with both of their significant other’s away, she thought maybe they could develop a friendship. Not to mention that they’re both obviously shy, so they have that in common. Although she’s quickly realizing that both of them being shy isn’t going to get them anywhere. And she’s going to have to be the bold one in the friendship.

She looks over at Blaine, who’s currently trying to make himself look even smaller. He makes a pained face.

“I-I-I...” he stops and starts again differently. “Mmmmmy appointment rrrrr-rrrrr-right now is spah-spah-spah-eech therapy.” Blaine felt like he needed to confess, mostly because he didn’t want her to think he was blowing her off.

“Ok,” Tina responds, not entirely sure where Blaine’s thought process is going right now.

“I’d like to get coffee www-www-with you ssss-ssss-sometime. Buh-buh-buh-but right now I have to go to spah-speech.” He clenches his fists at his sides, feeling even more embarrassed. He’s not sure why he didn’t just say it from the beginning.

“Ok,” she says again, still not sure what he wants her to say.

“I-I-I was … embarrassed to tell you,” he says the last part in a rush. Then he shrugs and quickly glances at her before turning his attention to the taxi passing them on the street.

She gets it now, he wasn’t being vague, he was embarrassed. And this small detail of information is probably Blaine’s way of letting her know that he’s trying.

“I kind of already knew you went to speech therapy. I mean I didn’t know that’s where you were going right now. But I know that you go.”

“Oh. Ok. Yeah. It’s nah-not like it’s a ssssssecret. Obviously, mmm-my sss-spah-peech is terrible,” Blaine rolls in his eyes in self-deprecation.

“No!” Tina says quickly. “I didn’t mean it like that. Puck or Kurt or somebody mentioned that you went. It’s really not a big deal.”

“It’s wah-weird that I-I-I have to go. I-I-I-I-I dah-don’t like that I have to go,” he says softly, looking at his feet.

“Blaine. It’s ok. I think it’s great that you go, that you’re working on it,” Tina states firmly, feeling like the sentiment is stilted and forced, but also knowing that she had to say something along those lines.

After a minute, he sighs and shakes his head. “Can I-I-I-I-I, can I get a dah-do over? I was just... ssssssurprised to sss-sss-see you. And then I-I-I got worried about be-be-be-be-ing awkward and then I-I-I was wah-weird and...” He shrugs and lets out the breath he’s been holding.

“Sure, let’s try this again,” Tina says with a smile. “Blaine. Do you want to get coffee sometime?”

“Yes,” he responds, affecting a lighter tone. “That would be, be, be, be excellent.”

“Cool. Let’s exchange numbers and next time I go, I’ll shoot you a text.”

“Yes. Good.” They swap phones and put their numbers in.

They say goodbye and Blaine almost feels ok about the interaction. If nothing else, at least he turned it around in the end.

~~~~~

Twenty minutes later, Blaine sits in Chad’s office explaining the blundering conversation he had with Tina.

“It’s ss-so stah-stah-stupid bb-bb-because I’m fine now, talking to you, buh-but, I, I, I dunno. This was b-b-bad. This was like... really bah-bad. I beh-bet she nah-never texts mmm-me.”

“Oh, dude. Story of my life,” Chad says with a knowing nod. “Women never text me. I’m terrible at the whole thing. Like spah-speaking to people socially.”

“I’m pretty sure you could get your spah-spah-speech therapy license rrrr-rrrr-revoked for admitting to nah-not be-be-being perfect,” Blaine quips.

“Go jump in a lake,” Chad says with a grin.

“I-I-I think I mmm-might do that.” Chad and Blaine have a running joke about how people who stutter should never say “shut up” to each other for fear of the other person taking it seriously. So they make a practice of using the most arbitrary insults that they can think of to replace “shut up.”

“At least she said she’d text mah-me. And I don’t have to dah-dah-drive myself crazy trying to decide wwww-when to text her.”

“Blaine. I have to ask. What exactly is the-the-the big deal with Kurt’s friends? They’re your friends too, you know. You spend a lot of time with them. Maybe you and Tina aren’t quite friends yet, but she obviously wants to be. Why not jah-just... let them in?”

“Let them?” Blaine gives Chad a questioning look, as if this were a very perplexing concept.

“Yeah. Let them be your friends. Be friends with them.”

“I, I, I dah-don’t know wah-wah-what you’re talking about,” Blaine deadpans.

Chad shoots him a put upon look, but then Blaine continues.

“Fine, I-I-I-I know what you mmm-me-mean. I guess, I wah-worry, like wwww-what if Kurt told them to hang out with me while he’s gone? Buh-buh-ut they dah-don’t really want to? What if, what if ... I-I-I-I annoy them? They pppprobably dah-don’t really wwwwant to bah-be friends with me. I don’t mm-mm-mm-mind. I, I, I, it’s like, I ... dah-dah-don’t want them to hang out with me just for Kurt or be-be-because they feel bah-bah-bad for me or whatever.”

Blaine didn’t look at Chad even once during his little monologue and Chad realizes that speech therapy wise this session isn’t going to be very productive. But this how it is with Blaine at times and part of speech therapy, particularly with adults, is going through the emotions that accompany their impediment. And Blaine has a lot of emotions. The good news is, he’s usually willing to share, if given the right circumstances and the time to get his words together.

“From what you’ve told me about them, I think they really do want to be friends with you Blaine, whether or, or, or not Kurt asked them to hang out with you. And would that be such a ter-ter-terrible thing if he had asked them to? He’s looking out for you and he knows you’ll be lonely while he’s gone.”

“I know. I-I-I-I-I rr-rr-rr-really don’t want … pity friendships though. I wah-wah-want r-r-rah-rah-reg-reg-ular friendships.” Blaine says this quietly, almost shamefully, as though it pains him to admit it.

“Everyone wants friends. There’s nothing wrong with wanting friends. But you have to be a friend to ha-ha-ha-have friends. That’s all I’m saying.”

Blaine nods in a way that makes Chad unsure whether he was really listening to anything Chad has said. “I-I-I feel like I’m in this rr-rr-really wah-weird place right now. Like I-I-I-I used to just... not talk bb-bb-be-because it was too hard. I-I-I didn’t have friends, but it dah-dah-didn’t really matter, be-because I, I, I couldn’t rrrrrreally talk to them anyway.” He stops and sighs, giving Chad a wan smile.

“But...” Chad prompts, knowing there’s got to be more that Blaine wants to say, knowing that Blaine is probably only getting started in this train of thought. But Blaine doesn’t always have the fortitude to finish without a bit of prodding on Chad’s part.

Blaine shrugs. “Buh-but now all of sudden I-I feel like I can talk, kind of, ss-ss-so I try to and it’s added this whole variable to mmmmmy life, where I-I-I say stah-stah-stupid things on top of having a sssss-stuh-stuh-utter. It was almost beh-beh-better when I wah-was too scared to even open mmmmy mah-mouth. Now that I’m less ssss-cared...” He stops and shakes his head, he’s so irritated with himself. He’s so tired of these problems. He’s 20 years old, he should have a better grasp on things by now. Basic things like how to talk to people and not look like a fool. “I-I-I guess I always thought that once I-I-I knew how to, to, to, to talk I would also know wah-what to ssssay.”

“So what’s the deal? Why are you saying these quah-quote unquote stupid things?” Chad asks with a grin.

Blaine thinks for a minute. “I-I-I guess, I guess I start talking and I rrrrrr-realize ss-someone’s listening and then I-I-I-I get nah-nervous and then... ss-stah-stupid.” He gestures towards his mouth and makes a face as if to say “and this dumb thing has a mind of its own.”

“I doubt it’s that bad.”

“Wah-weren’t you listening? Tina asked ‘how’s it going’ and I rr-re-re-replied ‘nothing.’ And she was nah-ice about it, but I-I-I-I wah-was just ssss-so fucking weird Chad. Like so wwwweird.” Blaine stares at his hands, shaking his head soberly.

“I think you need to try, to be friends with them, with Tina pah-part-particularly. If she’s trying to be your friend, you should try too.”

“Most people can... dah-dah-do this. Like mmmmm-mmmmake friends. I-I-I-I don’t know how,” a flush creeps up Blaine’s cheeks then. “I nah-never learned,” he huffs out a frustrated little breath.

~~~~~

A moment of Chad

And here we are again, at the crossroads of professional and personal.

I don’t think there will ever come a time when this kid doesn’t make me want to hug him.

Blaine can be so blind to everything he has, Kurt and Matt and all of these other people who either already are his friends or who want to be his friend. But I know explaining that to Blaine will be met with deaf ears. Blaine doesn’t know how to believe the best in people. He doesn’t look for the worst in them, but he can’t ever quite trust the best in them either.

~~~~~

“It’s not really something you can learn, Blaine. It’s just something that you ha-ha-have to do. And maybe you feel awkward, but take it one step at a time.”

Blaine looks over at him, eyebrow raised.

“What day do you have off frah-from work this week? Thursday?”

Blaine nods, eyebrow still cocked, unsure of what Chad’s about to say.

“Shoot her a text, tell her you’re frah-frah-free Thursday afternoon if, if, if she’d like to have coffee. If she says no, she says no. But if she says yes...”

Blaine’s bobbing his head in assent and understanding.

“That’s all it takes, huh?” Blaine’s not entirely sold, but he thinks he could actually do that. The text part at least, the actual going for coffee part may prove to be a challenge.

“Yep. You could po-oh-oh-tentially make a friend just by sending a text. And isn’t that sort of how you got yourself a boyfriend? Why wouldn’t it work again this time?”

Blaine smiles to himself. It feels good to have a plan.

~~~~~

Thursday afternoon, Blaine meets up with Tina at the usual place and they’re in luck because Rachel’s working, so they get her discount. Not to mention that Blaine doesn’t have to give his name.

Blaine has a game plan, he’s going to ask questions. He has 3 or 4 all planned out and they’re all pretty open ended and with any luck Tina will talk his ear off and he won’t run the risk of being too stupid.

As it turns out though, he only needed the one question, “How do you like the city?” to get her on her way. And then they have a conversation. An actual conversation. Where Tina talks and then Blaine talks and they laugh and then they talk more.

They part with plans for Friday night at Rachel and Tina’s, she even insists that he bring Kerry and Matt along.

This was a good idea. He’ll have to thank Chad.