March 14, 2015

Hey poop-

I’m sitting on a plane, somewhere between France and what seems like the rest of the world and it all feels like too much.

I wish I was with you.

I wish I was on my way to Canada with you and all of those idiot boys. I wish I was in New York watching you perform at open mic night. I wish I was waiting for you outside of work in the freezing cold night air. I wish I was anywhere but on this flight right now, zooming towards a destination I don’t really give a shit about.

And the only reason I don’t give a shit about it is because I know you’re not there waiting for me.

I miss you so much right now Blaine and I have to be honest. After thinking about it a little bit more, I am jealous about the guy hitting on you, but not for the reason you might think. I’m jealous that he *got* to hit on you. I’m jealous that he’s there and I’m not.

I’m jealous for the regular boyfriend reasons, too. But a lot of what I’m feeling is these terrible “I wish I was there” emotions. And then there are other things, deeper worries and insecurities that I almost feel bad to dump on you. But I need to get them off my chest.

I always knew other guys would eventually start noticing you. I mean, guys (and girls, too) probably notice you all the time, but for whatever reason they just don’t approach you. But I knew someone, someday would approach you and then you would realize that you have choices. I think in some ways I’m insecure about the fact that I’m pretty much your first everything and I worry that you’re suddenly going to decide to go … sow your wild oats with some other guy.

I worry that you’ll find someone who suits you better than I do, that you’re more attracted to or you have more in common with. What if you’re the perfect Blaine to my Kurt, but in the end, I’m not the perfect Kurt to your Blaine?

And I know I shouldn’t worry about that, because even if it happened, it’s your choice and your feelings and your life and there’s nothing I could do to stop you. I don’t want it to happen, but if it did I think I love you enough to let it happen, to let you go, if that makes any sense. I would never want to keep you if you were unhappy with me. I try not to dwell on those thoughts, but I have to admit that they exist.

The thought that I continue to dwell on is how badly I wish I was with you right now. I hate missing out on everything that’s happening in your life. I can tell you’re changing Blaine, I hear it in your voice and I see it in your face (and before you say it, I don’t just mean your beard) and I read it in every word you write to me. You’re evolving, you’re becoming that better Blaine you’ve been dreaming of your whole life.

And I’m stuck in a city that I’ve been dreaming of my whole life feeling like the biggest loser and wishing I could be with you. Worrying that since I’m not with you that you’re forgetting about me and outgrowing me. And now there’s this other consideration in the mix, this other variable, this idea of losing you to someone else.

It makes me feel needy and insecure and a hundred other things I hate feeling. I realize it’s only because I’m not there. I don’t think I would ever feel this way if I was with you and seeing you and kissing your pulchritudinous face. But I know it made me feel better to write it all out.

I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever send this letter and even if I do, it’ll take forever to find a stamp and somewhere to mail it from and then who knows how long to actually get to you.

I miss you and love you more than I ever knew I was capable of and I really, really believe it’s enough. Please let it be enough. I hope...

Well, I don’t know what exactly it is that I hope, but there’s a lot of hope in my heart and it’s all because of you.

Love, Kurt

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine
Date: Mon, May 25, 11:48 pm
Subject: [no subject]

I know you don’t want to talk and I’ve been arguing with myself all day about sending this email, but I decided I needed to.

It turns out that Matt has had the letter you sent me from Italy, lost in a stack of mail since March. And he discovered it this morning. (In case you’re wondering I have given him a very stern talking to.)

I think you need to read/listen the rest of the flash drive.

Folder 18: iloveyouanawfullot
Folder 19: youraremyfavorite
Folder 20: thisonesforyou

I left these three songs for last, because they’re the three that mean the most. And I think they’re the ones you really need to hear.

I love you. I miss you. And I hope, too.

~~~~~

Folder 18

You can bend my ear
We can talk all day
Just make sure I'm around
When you've finally got something to say

Something to Say by Toad the Wet Sprocket

I picked this song because this is how I like to think that you feel about me. I could talk to you for hours and hours and maybe not say anything important. But when it’s time to say something important, you’ll be there to listen just the same. And I think you know the difference between when I’m talking for the sake of talking and when I’m telling you something.

Sometimes when I talk, it’s almost like I don’t want anyone to listen. If no one’s listening then they’re not noticing how much I mess up and they’re not going to laugh at me or make fun of me. I’ve never wanted anyone to listen to me as much as I want you to listen to me. But it’s like there are still times that I wish you weren’t paying so much attention.

Because, I also assume that you know what I’m saying when I say nothing at all. Like you not only read between my words, but you read around them. And that usually would make me feel like I have nowhere to hide. But I don’t want to hide from you.

The way you look at me sometimes, I also know that you read my facial expressions, my body language, my everything. There are times that I don’t have to talk to you for you to know exactly what I need, for you to see in me exactly what I want from you. I love you for that so much Kurt. I love you for taking the time to see what I can’t say. To look for me, behind whatever walls I build up.

I’m mostly a big ball of contradictions when it comes to talking. I want to talk, but I don’t want anyone to listen. I wish I could say more, but I also like being quiet. I think, someday when it comes to talking, at least talking to you, I won’t feel like this at all. I’ll just be happy to have someone to listen to me, unconditionally.

~~~~~

A moment of Kurt

Of course.

Of course this how Blaine feels.

He wrote these words and recorded this song in December. And in May I was pretty much telling him the way he felt was invalid.

Alright, time to move onto the next, inevitably painful, revelation.

~~~~~

Folder 19

What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends

With a Little Help From My Friends by The Beatles

This might seem like kind of a weird choice of song. Because, I think I’m going to get by with a little help from your friends.

I think maybe someday they’ll be my friends too. But I don’t really know much about having friends, particularly this amount of friends. I know how to be friends with Matt and I kind of know how to be friends with you, but I think I’m better at being your boyfriend than being your friend. Which is an interesting look at the differences in relationships in general and also the way I think about relationships specifically.

Before I delve too far into my own weird head, I guess what I’m getting it is, I hate that you’re going away and that I’m going to miss you like crazy, but I can’t wait to become friends with your friends, without you being the go between. I want to be friends with them because they like me, not because they like you. I don’t want to be “Kurt’s boyfriend,” I want to be Blaine.

Since you can’t take them with you, I’m glad they get to stay here and maybe make my time away from you a little more bearable.

Besides, you know how to make friends. I’m sure you’ll make plenty.

~~~~~

A moment of Kurt

Yup. He got me. How the hell did he do this? It’s like he knew somehow what our issues would be and he zeroed in on them in word and song.

This last one is probably going to kill me.

~~~~~

Folder 20

I know it’s not much, but it’s the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one’s for you

And you can tell everybody that this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it’s done
I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind, that I put down into words
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world

Your Song by Elton John

This song is a placeholder for now. Someday Kurt, I’m going to write you the most beautiful and amazing song. Something that explains how you’ve changed my life and made me happy. Something about how I always thought I was satisfied and I think I could have lived my life the way it was going for years to come. I didn’t know how unhappy or lonely I was until you came along. I guess ignorance is bliss.

Before you arrived in my life, I didn’t know how to accept someone’s love. I didn’t know how to take it at face value and understand that they wanted nothing in return, except maybe my love. But I also didn’t understand that my love has value. Since you sent me that email last May, everything in my life has improved. My relationship with my parents, my speech, my ability to interact with the world. I was living my life in some kind of gray space before you came into it.

I was happy, sometimes. I was okay, all the time. And that’s all I wanted. When I originally emailed my mom about wanting to go back to speech therapy, I told her that all I really wanted was to be okay and she said something about how I should always strive more than just okay. I didn’t understand what that even meant then. Now I do. I can be okay, or I can live fully. I’m sure there’s been some pain and unhappiness while you’ve been gone for both of us, but a little bit of pain for a life of more than okay is worth it I think.

And now I’m better than okay all the time. I smile more, I try harder, I talk to people, and I want more. All of these things, these improvements, can be traced back to you. Without you, I’d still be living in that gray space. It wasn’t so bad there, maybe a little lonely, it was usually kind of boring, but it was steady, it was predictable. It was okay.

I can’t help but think it’s somehow fitting that you’re coming home on the year anniversary of the day you started this whole thing. The day you made me feel brave and wanted and levelheaded. I know I said I’d never been any of that before and I was telling the truth. But because of you, I get to try to be those things for the rest of my life.

I can’t wait to see you.

So now we come to the end, fella.

But in some ways it’s just the beginning. Because pretty much from the moment we got together, officially, we had your trip looming over our heads. I think knowing that you were leaving made us appreciate each other more in the beginning and it made us not take for granted the time we had while we had it. But now, you’re finally coming home and we have limitless options. The world is our oyster and we have all the time we want.

You haven’t even left yet, but I’m already counting down the days until you return.

~~~~~

A moment of Julia

Kurt’s been sitting at the table in our (shitty) hotel room for about 40 minutes. He’s had his ear buds in and I don’t want to bother him. He smiled a few times, but now I can tell he’s crying. He has his back to me, but his head is in his hands and his shoulders are shaking.

Since he spoke to Rachel last week, he’s been marginally happier. We had a good time on our wine tasting tour and we’ve had fun wrapping up our time here in Paris. But the closer we get to going home, the less he has to say. I’ve asked him what’s going on in his head, but he doesn’t seem to want to share. He did finally tell me everything that happened with Blaine and it sounds like it’s fixable. In my mind, it’s all so very fixable.

It’s not a great situation, but I think he’ll be fine, they’ll be fine. Kurt’s been having some trouble believing it himself, but I have a feeling whatever he’s been reading and listening to for the past 40 minutes might be changing his mind.

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Kurt
Date: Thurs, May 28, 10:58 am
Subject: You don’t need a password for this one.

I got your email. (I’d say I’d give Matt a stern talking to when I get back, but I’m a little bit worried he’s going to stab me in my sleep for being mean to you. I digress.)

I read your notes.

I listened to your songs.

Over and over and over for the pretty much the past 48 hours straight.

Now I have one for you.

So, listen to the audio I attached. I don’t have much to say in this email, because I hope the song speaks for itself. Although I feel like I need to disclaimer that I recorded in a hotel bathroom, so the acoustics weren’t the best.

I love you, Blaine.

I can’t wait to see you.

~~~~~

A moment of Blaine

He hits play and his ears are filled Kurt’s sad voice singing an acapella version of First Day of My Life.

Blaine doesn’t make it through the opening verse before a lump grows in his throat.

By the time Kurt’s voice breaks on the line “But I realized that I need you and I wondered if I could come home,” Blaine is fighting back tears.

Then he stops fighting them, there’s no reason to fight them. They’re happy tears. And at that realization it’s like the ache in his chest dissolves and the fog over his brain lifts. He messed up, Kurt messed up, but it doesn’t matter. Not in the grand scheme of things. Not when they’re going to be Kurt and Blaine for the next 132 years.

This is Kurt’s way of telling him that everything is okay.

This is Kurt’s way of telling him that everything is going to be better than okay.

Because like the song says, Blaine would drive all night just to meet Kurt in the morning.

He’s lucky though, because he can simply take the subway to the airport tomorrow instead.