132 days earlier...

Kurt’s not sure what his emotions are doing as he boards the plane. Is he sad? Happy? Excited? Anxious? Annoyed at the person that keeps jostling him with their loudly printed Vera Bradley carry on bag? (Since when does Vera do neons? Neons aren’t preppy.)

Kurt always believed he was fairly in touch with his emotions, mostly self aware, but today, today he has no idea what’s going on with his mood. He’s on an emotional roller coaster. When he was sitting in the airport texting Blaine he was on the verge of sobbing, loudly, in a very public place. (Which is what he was trying so hard to avoid by saying goodbye to Blaine in his bedroom.) But now that he’s taken his tiny seat on this transatlantic flight to a city he’s dreamed about visiting since he was 8, he’s bouncing with pent up excitement.

After the plane is in the air and the fasten seatbelt light is off and Kurt has gotten a cup of coffee from the flight attendant, he fishes the note from Blaine out of his pocket. He weighs it in his hand the way he did with the other note Blaine had given him in the piano room, the note that he has stuck deep inside his carry on bag because sometimes he needs to read it. Kurt has actually started to habitually read that note from Blaine on a weekly basis. He feels almost nostalgic for that Blaine sometimes, the one who couldn’t quite hold eye contact long enough to even smile at Kurt.

But now he has a different Blaine, a more vibrant Blaine. A more confident, happier, Blaine. And Kurt loves the Blaine he has today more than he could have ever guessed when he read that note so many months ago. Blaine never fails to surprise Kurt. Sometimes Kurt can’t believe how often he underestimates Blaine.

Way back when, he assumed that he would have to make all the moves, although somehow Blaine ended up initiating their first date by inviting Kurt to watch him sing First Day of My Life at open mic night. And then Kurt started to take the bull by the horns and set up a “real” date and Blaine again, shocked him on top of a ferris wheel with the world’s most perfect first kiss.

Time and again, Blaine reveals himself to be one of the most brave and inspiring and amazing people Kurt has ever met. Leaving him for this amount of time makes Kurt’s heart ache. It brings a lot of his own insecurities to the surface. But conversely Blaine didn’t seem the least apprehensive about Kurt’s absence. He seemed sad at the prospect, but he was always talking about having time to be Blaine and to work hard and to get better. Blaine saw opportunity where Kurt only saw loneliness.

Rachel has said to him multiple times that Blaine and Kurt’s relationship dynamic is admirable, that they have something that so many couples strive for but few ever succeed at.

“You balance each other effortlessly,” he remembers the first time Rachel said this. It was the night of the directions debacle. The first time he and Blaine had cried in front of each other, the first time Kurt finally understood what Blaine was up against on a regular basis.

After Blaine had gone home, well after midnight, he and Rachel had a heart to heart.

Kurt told Rachel the whole story from beginning to end. He was so upset that night, he was so frustrated and powerless against the cruel world. At the time it just seemed like Blaine was taking everything lying down. But now, several months after the incident, Kurt has a better grasp on the situation. Blaine doesn’t exhaust himself trying to improve things he can’t change. Blaine exhausts himself trying to improve himself.

Kurt couldn’t quite bring himself to admit to Rachel that he wasn’t entirely sure he would have been patient with Blaine or given him a chance if they had met more conventionally. But he did tell her how he felt he was too invested already, how he felt so much and it almost didn’t seem fair to pin so many emotions on Blaine. She smiled and nodded and held his hand.

“Kurt,” she had said in her least condescending voice. “I think you might already be a little bit in love with him.”

He had scoffed at the idea then, but within a month he knew she was right. Blaine had swiftly and deftly stolen his heart.

Which brings Kurt to this moment, sitting on a plane, however many feet above the Atlantic, holding a letter from Blaine. He looks out the window, he sips his coffee. He’s putting off opening the note a little bit, because he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that any note from Blaine contains wonders he can never fathom. And he wants to hold onto the unknown a little longer.

His curiosity gets the better of him 30 seconds later.

He unfolds the note.

~~~~~

To my favorite fella,

I miss your face already, even though I’m currently looking at your face while you sleep. (Is that creepy? I don’t mean for it to be creepy.) I woke up and it’s the middle of the night and I had all of these things I wanted to tell you, so I figured I’d better start writing.

First of all, thank you. I don’t think I tell you enough how much I appreciate you and everything you do for me. I mean it sincerely and you leaving is a good time to say it. Here is a brief list of what I’m thanking you for:

1. Loving me
2. Your endless patience
3. Listening to me
4. Being my fella
5. Understanding me enough to come up with the idea to call each other fella
6. Grooming me

I could go on, but I think that’s enough for now. (Don’t need you getting a big head.)

I know I mentioned this to you about a million times, but I know we’re going to be fine, in fact we’re going to be better than fine. Who cares about 132 days when we’re going to be Kurt and Blaine for 132 years? (And by 132 years I really mean forever.) I know maybe it’s early in our relationship to talk like that, but that’s how I feel at 2:46 am on January 14th, 2015.

No matter how much we’ll miss each other over the next 132 days, that’s hardly a drop in the bucket of a lifetime that we could potentially spend together.

And I think I need this time to prepare myself for that life with you. I love you and I have more confidence in our relationship and the way I feel about you than I’ve ever had about anything in my life. Which doesn’t really say that much I guess, seeing as how confidence isn’t exactly my forte, but take it for what it is.

This letter is going to go to the pathetic and weepy place soon and I don’t want my whimpering to wake you up, so I better just get down to business.

Here’s the deal with the flash drive. There are 20 folders on there; you’ll be gone for 19 weeks. I shall reveal one password each week, probably emailing it to you every Sunday night. Today I’ll tell you the password for the first folder: blainers. (not all of them are going to be this obvious, so don’t even try to crack them.)

The first folder is special and I’ll get to that in a second. Or at least, I think it’s special, I hope you think it’s special too. The rest of the 19 have a text file in each one that you should read first before opening the audio or video file because it sort of explains things a little better. Also, I kind of feel like I need to remind you that I gave this drive to you almost a month ago, so things might seem a little behind the times in some ways. I’m not sure if there really needed to be a disclaimer for that and I can’t think of anything specific that might be off, but I guess it was worth mentioning. Oh! Like you didn’t call me Poophead back then. That’s a good example.

Why am I still rambling about this?

In any event.

In the first folder you will find a rather large audio file. It’s me reading the entirety of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. It’s all explained in the text file that goes with the audio. But I figure that this way, you’ll have hours and hours of my voice, because no matter how much I want to talk to you while you’re away, I honestly don’t know if I’m always going to be able to. You’re well aware that I have my good days and my bad days speech wise, and I’m hoping that’ll start to even out eventually, but it hasn’t yet. You might have to bear with me while I get more comfortable talking on the phone.

But I promise to call you and I think we should try Skyping. It might work well for me. But I’ll tell you when I’m ready. And I’ll call you as soon as I can. Actually, I’ll probably end up sending you a bajillion emails and then wimp out like 3 times and then finally send you a message like “You have to call ME, I’m too scared!” And then you’ll have a tone of fond exasperation in your voice and I’ll remember how much I love you and all will be right with the world.

Anyway, I’ll miss you a lot. And I can’t wait for you to come home, even though at the moment you haven’t even left yet. I’m going to go cuddle your face off while I still have the option.

Poophead out.

Love always,
Blaine

~~~~~

Kurt refolds the letter and smiles. He’s one lucky fella.

Kurt knows that when Blaine is around him he’s happy and confident. But Blaine does even more for Kurt. He’s taught him how to love unconditionally, how to listen, how to accept people. Blaine has taught Kurt that some things are worth waiting for and that putting yourself out there garners results. Kurt wishes he could be more like Blaine most of the time.

Blaine has got to be the most thoughtful person he’s ever met. When he created those fonts for Kurt for Christmas, Kurt was touched and happy and surprised. And when Kurt noticed all the other files on that flash drive, he was intrigued and excited. If those fonts were any indication, he knew Blaine had a lot more in store for him.

And now, Harry Potter read by Blaine? Kurt had already been dreading the nights where he can’t fall asleep because he misses Blaine’s arms around him and his sweet whisper in Kurt’s ear. But now he has the promise of Blaine’s voice reading one of his favorite books. Who does that? Who comes up with ideas like that? It’s beautiful, it’s miraculous in some ways because Blaine is always so hesitant about reading out loud.

Every time Kurt asks him to read from a recipe or instructions or anything, Blaine always hesitates. The situation doesn’t come up very often, but when it does, Blaine always warns Kurt before he starts. “Just gimme a minute, OK?” Kurt can hear Blaine’s timid voice. As if Kurt would ever interrupt him or laugh or hurt his feelings if his speech isn’t perfect. That’s how much Blaine hates reading aloud.

And then Blaine, his Blaine, his ridiculously shy but incredibly thoughtful Blaine, figures out to way to give Kurt 8 and half hours of his voice. Kurt wills himself not to cry.

Kurt spends the rest of his flight dozing and flipping through magazines and daydreaming about seeing his poophead in 132 days.

When his flight lands, Kurt collects his bags and makes his way to find a cab in the wee hours of the morning. He’d exchanged some money already, so he was prepared. He gave the address of the Chambre de Bonne where he’d be staying. It’s a walk up building with small studio apartments. NYU study abroad office had set up the arrangements. Kurt was awfully happy not to have to share a room with anyone. He’s not a good room sharer. Well, he assumes he’s not a good room sharer, seeing as how he’s never shared a room.

He’s bleary eyed from travelling, but he’s taking everything in as the cab flies through sparsely populated streets. At this hour, the city is quiet but not barren by any means. Flying in at 3 am gives Kurt an opportunity to see a much different Paris.

When he arrives at his new studio apartment, he hauls his two suitcases, laptop bag and carry on bag up the stairs. When he enters the door (the key having been shipped to him just days prior) he’s astonished by the sheer tininess.

There’s a narrow bed, a sink, a glorified hotplate and a bureau. He opens a door in the room, assuming it’s a closet and finds the world’s weirdest, tiniest shower inside. It turns out he’ll be sharing a public bathroom, but at least he has a shower to himself.

He sits on his bed, checks his watch, which he’s already changed to Paris time. He does some quick calculations and realizes that if it’s 3:30 am here, it’s 9:30 pm back home. He should attempt to get in touch with his dad at least, to let him know he’s safe. He’s awfully happy that he took care of setting up an international calling plan before he left.

After their brief conversation, he opens his laptop, excited to find that he has internet access. Truth be told, he’s not sure if he’s stealing wifi or not right now, but he doesn’t care.

He’s not surprised to see several new emails already.