Chapter 8.
Irrational Thoughts.

"Did you find your diary?" Rachel asked, while her, Finn and I walked through Lima Bean. 

"You lost your diary?" Finn asked, his eyebrows furrowed. 

"Mm. Not much more that needs to get out I guess.. Apart from my huge boy crush on you last year." 

He looked at me and blinked. "Right.." And coughed. 

"Don't worry, it was just a silly idea I had in my head, totally over it." I waved it off, sitting down across the table from them.

Rachel ordered our drinks in with a wave of her hand. A friend of hers worked here and knew her exact order. I scratched my head.

"It's bound to turn up, And if it doesn't. We will handle it when it comes to that time." Rachel nodded.

"You can't have much in it, can you?" Finn asked.

We both looked up at him. 

"A diary is someone you can tell every secret to, no matter how dark or irrational it sounds. You confide in it." I said.

Rachel hit his arm. "Oh, Blaine." She blinked. 

I froze. 

She was looking behind me.

"Hey, am I interupting?" He asked. 

"Of course not, come sit with us!" Rachel grinned.

I had to move up. He had to sit next to me.

"So, what were you guys talking about?" 

"Kurt lost his diary." Finn shrugged.

I gave him the worst evils. "I didn't lose it. It was stolen.." I murmured under my breath.

"God, no.. I'd hate that. I'm sure it will turn up, Kurt." He replied, I could feel him looking at me. 

I shrugged. "It's all out there anyway, at least I can stop hiding and just face the animals like I'm their prey."

Rachel sighed. "Kurt, we will get through this."

"What's out?" Blaine asked.

"Kurt's gay,," Finn said, "And use to have a crush on me."

Rachel hit him again.

Blaine chuckled. "It's much easier when it's out there though, right?" This made me look at him.

He blinked, and I looked away quickly. "You could say that. If you didn't count the constant bullying."

"It'll die down." Rachel assured. "They're just monsters, like you said."

I swallowed, it was worse than they were trying to make it out to be, they didn't understand the torments and how much the remarks hurt.

"You know, I've got so much work to do. I should get going." I stood up, ready to leave. 

"Oh, right. Okay." Rachel nodded, "See you."

"See  you around." I nodded. 

I could feel his gaze on me, my throat drying slightly. "Bye."

____________________________________

Bowties; says: How was your day today, Kurt?

Kurt says: It was okay.

Bowties; says: You had a better day then? :) 

Kurt says: Besides not finding my, diary today was alright. 

Bowties; says: I'm glad to hear. I'm sure your diary is okay, in safe hands :)) 

Kurt says: Yeah, or someone who wants to destroy of what little life I have.

Bowties; says: You have your friends right?

Kurt says: They don't understand. No one does. They think if I ignore it, they'll stop. They don't. It just gets worse. I just want someone to come and tell me everything will be okay.

Bowties; says: Everything will be okay in the end, Kurt. x

I stared at the words, and inhaled deeply.

Kurt says: You don't understand. No one does. 

I felt tears start forming in my eyes.

Kurt says: What's wrong with me?

Not having my diary to pour over my thoughts seemed to just hover in my mind.

Kurt says: I can't do this any more.

It was like sudden weight was on my chest and breathing was becoming increasingly hard.

I signed off quickly and fell against my bed, choking back tears. 

My phone vibrated, I swallowed and curled my legs up under my bum, clutching my hands over my pillow. I wanted my mom, she'd understand. I wanted to be close to her. I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut. I was being silly, my thoughts were irrational. I coughed and tried to clear my throat, taking my phone in my hands.

Rachel:

"Kurt, are you okay?! x" 

Kurt.

"Yeah? why wouldn't I be?"

Rachel:

"Just checking :D. What you up too?"

Kurt:

"Just having an early night." 

I put my phone on my bedside table and turned over onto my side, trying to close my mind from anymore impending thoughts.