Fade Out

            To say Burt was confused was an understatement – it was times like this when he wanted nothing more than an ice-cold beer.  He huffed a sigh and, removing his baseball cap, ran his hands over his face and head, before replacing the cap.  All he had been able to get out of Kurt before his son had grabbed his bags and headed for the airport was that the tall youth could not stay in Lima and needed to get back home.  Home.  The word had sliced into Burt deeper than he thought possible – he knew one day that his baby boy would make his own home somewhere apart from him, hell, he had encouraged Kurt to do just that – but hearing it said out loud…  It hurt – he was not sure whether it was a good pain or bad pain.  Probably both.  He knew a lot about how pain could be both.

He'd tried to get some sense out of his son – something had obviously gone wrong again.  Something was causing Kurt pain, and Burt felt like a failure as a father.  He had felt so small and powerless – unable to protect his family – when first Lizzie died, then when he had a heart attack, then prostate cancer, and now…  Now Kurt was hurting again and there was nothing he could do.  Burt never wanted Kurt to feel like his family house was no longer home.  Burt never wanted to watch Kurt suffer.

A sharp knock at the door caught Burt unaware and he forced himself up to his feet.  He half-expected he knew who would be on the other side and, though he could not explain why, he suddenly was furious.

            ‘He's not here, Anderson.'

The young man, usually so put-together, looked out of breath – almost as if he had been running; hair dishevelled, blazer missing, shirt untucked, tie skewwhiff. 

            ‘I need to talk to him – do you know where he went?'

            ‘Home.'

The confusion on Blaine's face was palpable and for a moment Burt felt sorry for the kid.

            ‘Look, Blaine, I don't know what to tell you – he came in here, started packing, refused to talk then left.  What in the hell happened?'

            ‘I have no idea!  All I know is that he saw me and fled.  I chased after him as soon as I could.'

            ‘Well he's gone.'  Burt took a step backwards and, leaving the door open, made his way back to the couch.  He felt rather than heard the younger man follow, closing the door behind him.

They sat for a while in silence – each taking in what the other had said, seemingly as confused as each other.

            ‘He didn't talk to you then?'

            ‘No…um…I saw him the other day in the Lima Bean, but our friends were there and he didn't seem like he wanted to talk then…  Then today he just saw me and bolted…' 

The sentence hangs in the air and Burt shakes his head.  The steady whirr-chug-whirr of the washing machine increasing speed punctuates the air and both men seem at a loss, until Blaine seems to make up his mind and stands.

            ‘Where're you goin'?'

            ‘To New York.'

            ‘Look, Blaine – sit down a minute?'

Burt waits until the dark haired youth complies then turns so he can watch Blaine's reaction to what he feels, as a father, he needs to say.

            ‘Blaine…'  Burt takes a breath and smiles sadly.  ‘I think you both need to leave each other be for a while –‘

Blaine makes to interject but Burt puts up a hand.

            ‘Listen?  OK?  For a while back then – over Christmas – I felt really bad about that.  I couldn't believe that my son, my sweet little boy, could act like that.  But I've had time to think and I see where he was comin' from, and I know you do too.'  He pauses and catches Blaine's eyes for a moment before continuing.  ‘I don't know all the details, but I know that Kurt's happy in New York – he's got his Vogue job and his school, and Adam.'  Burt does not miss the tightening of Blaine's mouth at his mention of Kurt's boyfriend and feels for the young man.  ‘I know.'  He places a hand on Blaine's shoulder.  ‘Last night emotions were running pretty high – I got my results and –‘  Burt notices Blaine's sudden concern and smiles slightly, ‘Relax, kid.  I'm stronger than that – I'm in remission so quit your worrying.  What was I sayin'?'

            ‘About last night…'

            ‘Yeah.  So emotions were pretty high and it's been a pretty emotional year so far.  Kurt; he said some stuff that's made me think.  I know you love him, Blaine, and he loves you, but you're both in relationships with other people now.  And I don't think you, either of you, actually worked through what happened yet.  It's not fair.  It's not fair on either of you and it's not fair on who you're with now.'  Burt shakes his head slightly.  ‘You know – I really thought you two were it for each other – that day you came to see me in the garage and asked me to give Kurt the talk…that was the day I knew, I think.  But things never work out like you think they will, and I gotta tell you, Blaine – I'm disappointed in you both.'

Blaine frowns slightly then, and Burt removes his hand from the lad's shoulder. 

            ‘Now, I'm going to have to do the Dad thing – I don't want to have to do this, but Blaine, it kills me to see my boy hurting like this.  I think…I think you need to let him come to you.  I know you, kid, you're already planning on going to him and making some huge, dramatic scene…  Leave it be.  Trust me on this one.  Leave him be.'

Burt studies the face of the man across from him – Blaine looks so much better than he had over Christmas – stronger now somehow, and Burt sighs.

            ‘Are you happy, Blaine?'

            ‘I'm not sure how to answer that.'

            ‘I know, kid.  That's what I mean though – you need to work out what makes you happy, then you need to do everything you can to keep it in your life.  Sometimes it's taken away from us and there's nothing we can do…'

Outside the rain falls as the men sit in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.  Eventually Blaine shifts.

            ‘Thank you.'

            ‘Take care of yourself, Anderson.'

            ‘You too, sir.'

Burt stares out of the window, hearing the youth leave but not watching.  Soon, Carole will be home and he will have to try to explain why Kurt left early, until then he sits and waits, losing himself in replays where he can do something to protect his son from pain and cruelty and confusion.  He knows it is futile, but in the end, it is all he really has.

-+-

            China is a paradox for him, but he is far too wrapped up in meetings and site visits and paperwork to have much time to actually take in the fact that this is the first time he has been away from American soil in over 15 years.  He feels rushed, overwhelmed, and a little culture shocked – everything is so similar and yet so alien to him.  The food is fascinating, and he is continually surprised by the mix of English and Chinese on shop signs and t-shirts and television.  In honesty he feels lost, and the fact that he is, usually, the tallest person as he walks through the city, does not help him feel at home, or help him blend in. 

Douglas' solace was Blaine.  He knew it was not healthy to pin his sanity on another person, but that was how he felt because of all the things in his life, his relationship (for the first time) was the thing that made the most sense to him.  The time difference, however, made it a little difficult to actually maintain their daily call – when it was 6pm in Ohio on a Tuesday, for example, it was 6am on Wednesday for Douglas.  They managed calls on the weekends though, and it rapidly became the one thing Douglas looked forward to all week. 

            ‘We won.'

            ‘I knew you would – see, all that hard work was worth it, Blaine.  I'm proud of you.  So – Nationals next, yes?  Where are they this year?'

            ‘Los Angeles.'

            ‘Cooper lives in L.A., right?'

            ‘Yeah – he's probably going to insist I say with him and delight in embarrassing me in front of the guys.'

            ‘What else are little brothers for?'

            ‘Don't tell me the suave and gentlemanly Douglas Chambers could possibly have demeaned himself so to poor Roger?'  The teasing note in Blaine's voice seems a little strained and Douglas makes a note to ask what is wrong.

            ‘Me?  Never!'

            ‘Yeah, yeah.  I'm going to have to ask Unc… Roger to tell me all about it when we see him.  I can't believe it is only two weeks until you're back.  It feels like it has been so much longer.  I miss you.'  Blaine's little huff makes Douglas' chest ache, but he is more concerned by the sudden change in tone from teasing to melancholy.

            ‘I miss you too, baby.  Blaine?'

            ‘Hm?'

            ‘You know you can talk to me about anything, right?'

            ‘Of course.'

            ‘I know something's up.  Did something happen?  What's wrong?'

            ‘I'm that transparent?  Coop would have a field day – he's always telling me I wear my emotions on my sleeve – I can't even act on the phone.'

            ‘He actually said “sleeve”?'

            ‘No.  He actually said I wear my emotions on my eyebrows – then I punched him in the ribs.'

            ‘Blaine!'  Douglas smiles at the younger man's laughter, but he sees through Blaine's attempt to distract him.  ‘So, what happened?'

            ‘I don't really want to talk about it.'

            ‘Anything I can help with?'

            ‘No.  It's just…  I guess…  Burt's in remission.'

            ‘That's a good thing, right?'

            ‘Yeah, but Kurt came to visit, and every time we bumped into each other we didn't get a chance to talk, then when we did… he ran back to New York.'

            ‘I'm sorry, Blaine.'

            ‘I just…  He frustrates me, you know?  He's the one that accused me of running away all the time and he's doing the exact same thing!'  Blaine huffs his annoyance and Douglas' skin itches to just hold the smaller man against him – to shield him from pain - to kiss him until he feels better.  ‘God, I miss you.'

            ‘You said he has someone now…'

            ‘Yeah – Adam.'

            ‘At least he has someone to talk to.  It sounds like he's still confused about a lot of things – especially with what he's been going through with his father's cancer treatment…'

            ‘I know.  I just…  We were friends first, and I…'

            ‘You want to be there for him.'

            ‘It was my default for so long.'

            ‘I know.  I wish I could just wave a wand and make it all better for you, baby.'

            ‘You have a wand?'  The smile in Blaine's voice is contagious.

            ‘You know what I meant.' 

            ‘Sorry!  I just realised what the time was – you need to go to work!'

            ‘You come first to me.  You know that.'

            ‘Douglas!  This is your job!  This is you finally being recognised for your amazing talent and skill on a global level – it is waaaaay more important than my childish nonsense!'

            ‘Don't.'

            ‘Don't what?'

            ‘Don't put yourself down like that, ever.  Don't minimise how important you are, OK?  You are far more important than another tour of another contractors' office – you will always be more important than work to me, Blaine.'

He hears Blaine's breath hitch.

            ‘I really do miss you – I feel so lost right now.  I can't even imagine what it must be like for you all the way over there with no friends.'

            ‘It's not too bad.  It's a little…odd.  It's just different I suppose.  It would be better if you were here with me though.'

            ‘Next time?'

            ‘I'd love that.'

            ‘Deal – you listen to my petty worries and I'll keep you company on your next business trip.'

            ‘Blaine.'  Douglas tries to instil warning into his voice but does not quite manage to succeed, as Blaine's laughter demonstrates.

            ‘I know…I know…  No derogatory comments.  I'm sorry.  You should go…'

            ‘I know.'  He sighs a little, softly, and thinks he hears its echo over the miles.  ‘I really miss you, Blaine.  I can't wait until we don't have to be apart.'

            ‘Even when you're back you'll be in New York and I'll still be in Ohio.'

            ‘What about when you graduate?  It's not long now.'

            ‘Then I'll be in New York too.'

            ‘I'd like you to move in with me…'  Blaine's breathy gasp shocks Douglas and he struggles to reword his proposal.  ‘I mean…  Could you think about it?  Please?  When you move to the city in the summer, I'd like it to be with me.'

            ‘I'd like that, Douglas.'

            ‘Really?'

            ‘Yes.  Really.'

Douglas' face hurts from grinning and he thinks he can hear a similar smile in Blaine's husky answer.

            ‘I…uh…'  He finds he has to cough to clear his throat.  ‘I should…'

            ‘Go.'

            ‘Yes.'

            ‘I love you.'

            ‘I know.'

            ‘Good night, Blaine.'

            ‘Good morning, Douglas.'

-+-

            ‘Kurt, what's wrong?'

Adam's hand on his side feels like it is crushing him and Kurt feels like he cannot breathe.  He throws off the bedcovers and almost falls onto the floor in his hurry to be as far away as possible.  He is panting and shaking and 

            It makes no sense!

Kurt drops to a squat, his back to the wall, and fists his hands into his hair.  It had all been

            Wrong wrong wrong

since his return, weeks ago, to New York.  He had spent the entire plane journey convincing himself that he was going to let it go – to move on – because Sebastian was (he never thought he would say this) right.  Sebastian was right!  Blaine had clearly moved on, and he was stalling.  It was not fair on Adam or himself to keep pushing the Brit away.  Now Adam was in his bed, beautiful, kind, sexy Adam was in his bed.  He wanted Kurt, and Kurt had, in that moment, wanted Adam, but with each kiss, each touch, each stilted, breathless moan his mind had betrayed him screaming

            Wrong wrong wrong

Now there was a confused and probably angry man in his bed and Kurt found the entire situation hilarious.  He could not breathe he was laughing (or crying?) so hard. 

He jumped when someone crouched down beside him and for a fleeting second he was in the hallway at McKinley after being elected Prom Queen expecting his dark knight to rescue him – to make it alright.  But the accent was wrong, the smell was wrong, the height was wrong.

            Wrongwrongwrongwrongwrong

            ‘Kurt?'

He opens his eyes slowly and looks, really looks at the man next to him.  He is tall, and lean, and his blue eyes are narrowed with concern; his brow furrowed.  Blonde hair juts haphazardly at angles from his head and Kurt knows that it is because of him – he did that – and it makes him feel nauseous and guilty and dirty.

            ‘I'm so sorry.'

            ‘Hey, hey.  No.  It's OK, Kurt.  It's OK.'  Adam goes to reassure Kurt with a touch but hesitates when Kurt's eyes warn him to maintain his distance.  He sighs and drops fully to the floor, leaning his head back against the wall, and rolling his eyes towards Kurt.  ‘Just talk to me?'   

            ‘I can't do this.'

            ‘I noticed.  Was it something I did?'

            ‘I…I don't think so.'

            ‘It's because I'm not him isn't it?'

Kurt does not answer him and he hates himself more in that instance because he owes it to Adam – the blonde deserves more than this.  He deserves more than him.  He deserves to have someone who can love him back, who can give him his heart to cherish and receive Adam's in return.  Kurt is not that person.  He's not sure he could ever be that person again.

            ‘I thought we wanted this?'

            ‘I wanted to.'

            ‘So, what happens now?'

            ‘I really don't know.'

            ‘Come on, Kurt, get up – let's get some clothes on before we catch cold.  I'll make us some tea and we can talk?'

He knows it is childish but he shakes his head and Adam laughs softly at Kurt's petulance.

            ‘Could you just…leave?'

            ‘If you want me to.'

            ‘Please?'

Adam frowns and Kurt hides his face in his knees, curling his arms around himself protectively.

            ‘I really like you, Kurt.'

            ‘I like you too.'

            ‘I deserve better than this, you know?'

            ‘I'm not arguing with you.'

            ‘What's going on, Kurt, really?  Because I thought…I think we're good for each other, and you said that you were ready for this.'

            ‘I don't know.  I wanted to be.'

Adam shakes his head.

            ‘You're not over him, Kurt.  You're not going to be unless you talk to him you know.  Pick up the phone and talk to him.'

            ‘He doesn't answer when I call or text.'

            ‘Skype him then!  What happened to the Kurt Hummel I met?  Where's he gone?  He wouldn't keep making excuses all the time – if he wanted something he went out and got it!  He didn't take no for an answer with NYADA!  He wouldn't just give up now.'

He's not sure what did it but he is suddenly furious – with Blaine, with Adam, with his father, with himself.  He feels as if he is a boiling ball of gas trapped in a container about to explode.  He takes a deep breath and tries to keep calm – Adam is right after all and Kurt is not exactly in the position to really say anything right now. 

            ‘You're never going to get over him until you have the details.  All of them.  Even the ones you don't want to hear.  I really care about you, Kurt, and I'm worried about you.  You need to do this – not for me but for yourself.'

            ‘You're right.'

He pushes himself up from the floor and picks up his cell phone, scrolling through his contacts until he reaches Blaine's home phone number, then dials.  He feels more than sees Adam pull some clothes on and head out into the kitchen area – his focus reduces to the inhuman ringing in his ears.  He almost stops breathing when he hears the click of someone answering his call.

            ‘Hello?  Who's speaking please?'

            ‘Uh… Hi, Mrs. Anderson.  It's Kurt.  Kurt Hummel.  Is…is Blaine there?'

            ‘Sorry, Kurt, he's not – he's in New York at the moment.  Have you got his cell number?'

            ‘Yes.  Uh…I'll try that.  Thank you.'

            ‘Any time, dear.  Bye.'

            ‘Bye, Mrs. Anderson.'

He scrolls back through his contact list – his sweaty fingers barely registering on the touch-screen.  He has to press the green call icon three times before it co-operates, his own breath echoing in his ear as he waits, waits, waits.

No answer.

For a second he had allowed himself to think that Blaine in New York meant he was coming to visit Kurt.  Coming to talk to him.  He had imagined hearing Blaine's little huff of surprise as he answered his phone, his hand poised about to knock on the loft door, his arms full of roses.  No, not roses.  Anything but roses. 

But he's not in New York for Kurt.  Blaine's with his boyfriend.  Blaine's with his boyfriend in New York, just as Kurt is, but Blaine has moved on and Kurt cannot.

He laughs then.  Kurt is certain he looks terrifying – hair and eyes wild, naked body shaking.  He dimly hears someone rummaging in the kitchen and he is overcome with the need to be out of the loft.  He needs air.  He pulls on the clothes nearest to hand and breezes through the loft, ignoring Adam's confused shouts.  He walks, blinded by tears and anger, until he runs out of energy then collapses against the nearest building.

Blaine is in New York.  Blaine is in New York without him.  Blaine is in New York with his boyfriend.  Blaine is in the same damn city! 

He dries his eyes roughly with his sleeves and has a sudden moment of clarity.  Sebastian.  He would know where Blaine was – of course, he would not tell him where he was though.  The chances of Sebastian telling Kurt anything though was nil.  He had made his position completely clear after Regionals.  Kurt groaned in pained frustration. 

            Focus.  You can fix this.  Adam's right.  Kurt Hummel is not a quitter.

            Courage

Kurt flicks through his phone contacts sending texts messages to anyone who may have information careless of how it may look.  Numbers he has not used since before when he and Blaine were two Warblers.  It feels like a lifetime ago – filmed in sepia and stored safe in a bubble.

Hi Trent, sorry about what happened at Regionals.  I'm trying to get hold of Blaine.  Any idea what his number is or whether he changed it – I can't seem to get through to him.  I owe you one – Kurt

Hi Nick, sorry about what happened at Regionals.  I'm trying to get hold of Blaine.  Any idea what his number is or whether he changed it – I can't seem to get through to him.  I owe you one – Kurt

Hi Jeff, sorry about what happened at Regionals.  I'm trying to get hold of Blaine.  Any idea what his number is or whether he changed it – I can't seem to get through to him.  I owe you one – Kurt

Copy paste copy paste copy paste

He does not expect replies so quickly.

Kurt!  Hi!  Good to see you the other day too.  Blaine got a new phone – his got lost a couple of months back at a club when he saved Bas from a guy who tried to kill him with a bottle to the head.  The oafs tried to say Blaine attacked them first!  Bas' dad got them to drop the charges though.  I'll send his new number to you in a sec as a contact link.  Hope you're OK.  Miss you.  Tx

Hey hey, stranger!  Didn't get a chance to talk when you were back!  You should have hung with us – like old times!  B lost his phone a while back helping Sebastian out in a fight.  He's got a white knight complex if you ask me – you know all about that though right?  ;)  His number is 570-6648.  See you soon?  Jeffster

Jeff says he sent you B's number.  Hope things r OK?  If you find out nething about B's b/f let us know!!1  He won't share info!  Rude!  Nick

He takes a breath before saving Blaine's number to his phone, his pulse racing, and palms sweating, and vision shaking.  Blaine had been in a fight?  Blaine had saved Sebastian's life?  His brain struggled to process the new information and he immediately felt terrible and nauseous.  He stared at the number until it felt burnt into his retinas.

Blaine, got your number from Warblers – didn't know you'd changed it.  Could we talk? – K   

Kurt hit send before he had really decided what he wanted to say then waited. 

It was Adam that found him and, wrapping a coat around his shoulders, walked him back to the loft after trying, and failing, to prise the phone from Kurt's fingers.  The blonde kissed Kurt lightly on the cheek before settling Kurt into bed then quietly leaving.  Kurt knew they'd just broken up, but he could not bring himself to go after Adam.  He buried his head in the pillows, one eye on his phone, and waited.  Waited.  Waited.