What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you, and what am I supposed to say when Im all choked up that youre OK?  Im falling to pieces.

Breakeven – The Script

It had not gone well.

Hed been standing there at Mr. Schuster and the then Ms. Pillsburys successful wedding.  The rest of the New Directions were there - old and new.  Theyd won Regionals.  They were on a high.

The little black box had been in his pocket all day.  The feel of it, weight of it, shape of it reminding him of what he had to do.  One last ditch attempt to get him to see, to understand how Blaine felt about him.  How he was truly his soul mate - his everything.  How he could never hurt him again.  The weight of that promise weighing his pocket down but somehow lightening his heart, until it wasnt anymore.  Until his palms were sweating and the familiar doubt started to kick in.  What was he even doing?  They werent even together.  It wouldnt have been the first time that Blaine had seen something that wasnt there through sheer force of will and denial - Jeremiah had been the prime example of that.  His heart hammered in his chest.  He thought back to the coffee shop, to their dinner with Liz and Jan from the jewellery store, to the stage where Kurt had chosen to dance with him during ‘For Once In My Life'.  The looks - they had been real right?  His breath hitched as he remembered Kurts many were not togethers.  But they were meant to be...  Time healed all, right?  They were better friends now because of it.  Arguably better prepared for an adult relationship than they had been before Blaines indiscretion.  Before he messed everything up. 

Kurt hadnt pulled his hand away from Blaines when hed offered his support in the Lima Bean with Mercedes and Mike, had he?  Hed pulled it closer like they always used to.  Kurt had taken his arm in the hallway after Blaine had bottled out of proposing to Kurt instead asking him to stay for Regionals.  Kurt had actually seemed like hed been hoping Blaine was going to ask a different question.  Hed known that Blaine hadn't really been asking about Regionals.  Hadn't he?

Blaine shook his head.  He needed to stop thinking.  It was like hed tried to explain to Burt, to Tina, to Sam - he was Kurts, in every way in which someone could be someone elses.  He needed to show him that.  Blaine steeled himself and joined the circle of his closest friends next to Kurt.  His fingers teased at the box, running a thumb nail against the grain and smiling slightly at the texture of the black velvet.  He slid it out of his pocket and behind his back.  He was smiling, but he wasnt aware of what was happening around him - celebratory cheering for the new Mr and Mrs Schuster most likely.  His world had concentrated down to two things - Kurt and the box.  There was nothing else.  His vision seemed to have narrowed down; his breathing was louder than the dull cheers and speeches, his heart beat staccato above even that.  He was certain Kurt could hear it - but he seemed oblivious, smiling and laughing with their friends.  Now - it had to happen now.

He stepped forwards.

Um... Id like to say something, to ask something, of Kurt, if thats OK?

This was it.  The blood was rushing in his ears.  He barely registered the responses of his friends as he sank slowly to one knee.

Her heart was pounding and all she could feel was Guilt rising up.  What would her mother think?  She felt too young and too old at once.  She was aware of his breathing next to her - more ragged than normal, tense.  Her mother would kill her.

Who cares what your bitch of a mother thinks?  She ruins EVERYTHING for you!  She makes everything about her.  This is about you.  About you and that wonderful man going through emotional hell right next to you.

She stared intently at the fishpond opposite where they sat on the bench as if it were the single most interesting thing on the planet.  Theyd been sat there for what felt like hours.  Waiting.  She knew he was waiting.  First it had been for the older couple to leave that part of the garden - to leave them with some privacy.  Then for the next couple to take photos and move on.  Shed tried to suggest they move on, but hed resisted.  Hed not spoken since.  He was going to do it.  Shed been almost begging him to for months.  Her grandparents, his grandparents, his parents, aunts, uncles, friends had all asked when he was going to - theyd talked about it often enough. 

Last time she had come back from visiting her mother in the US she had tried to propose to him - but he had laughed it off.  Last time they had gone on holiday together, to Kent - where they were now, shed seen a ring box and her heart had fluttered all week.  He hadnt asked her then.  Much later shed asked him about that ring box – cufflinks apparently.  But now, here and now, on the longest day of the year, in glorious sunshine, in a garden that shared her name he was going to ask her, and she had never been more scared in her life. 

She almost missed him say it.

Marry me?

Oh God, oh God, oh God... A mantra. Blaine!  Hissed - an attempt to get him to stop?  As if he stopped now no one would have noticed and they could go back to pretending or whatever they were doing before.

Kurt, you are the world to me.  I know Ive not been good at showing you or at communicating my feelings in the past, but you are it for me, Kurt.  You deserve it all - your name in lights, the penthouse apartment in Manhattan, the crowds of sycophants all wearing the latest Kurt Hummel designs...  I would do everything in my power to make it all happen for you, Kurt.  But I know youll get there and I cant wait to see it...  He paused.  He couldnt bring himself to look up.  A couple of weeks ago we had an assignment - it was about finding our dreams.  But I think Ive known all along that my dream is you.  He brought the box up, finally bringing his eyes up to meet Kurts.

Yes.

No hesitation.  Not even a heartbeat.  She hadnt even turned to look at him. 

I have a ring...

Like a ring pop?  Why was she joking?  Because it was a coping mechanism.  Self-defence.

A real ring.

He takes her hand and places a perfect ring on her finger.  She had no idea hed bought one.  It fit.  She looked up at him for the first time.  They kiss.

The collective gasp and following silence was so heavy, but Kurt was still there he hadnt run away, he hadnt said yes, he hadnt said no, he hadnt said anything.  His eyes were locked on Blaines.  There was nothing else.  But then Blaine hadnt exactly asked him anything.  An awkward cough and suddenly Kurt was moving.  He was on his knees in front of Blaine and Blaine could not read his facial expression.

What is it with you and making declarations of love in very public ways?  Kurt was talking to him.  Blaine knew he was reminding him about the Gap Attack, about ‘Teenage Dream', about rescuing Kurt when Karofski left him stranded as Prom Queen.  Blaine opened his mouth to speak but Kurt cut him off.  I love you, Blaine...

Finally!  Santana interjected.  Kurt broke eye contact with him to glare at Santana, aware suddenly of the rest of the people in the room.  He turned back to Blaine.

We should talk.  He stands drawing Blaine up with him and leads him out of the choir room.  He is dimly aware of the roar that starts after theyve left.  He cant bring himself to care.  Its out there now.  He did it.  His mind is buzzing with thoughts running through every possible way this conversation could go - every permutation.  It feels like hours later that Kurt stops – Blaine muses that it might as well be; he's lived every version imaginable of how this could go in the time taken to walk from the choir room to where they are now  - hes lead them into the room with the paper solar system suspended from the ceiling.  It feels oddly appropriate.

Im sorry, Blaine.

Wait, what?  Why is Kurt apologising?

I promised wed talk after Thanksgiving, but then Christmas happened and then Valentines, and my Dads test results...

Kurt...

Let me finish.'  Kurt took a breath.  ‘It hurt, Blaine.  Leaving you here when I left for New York was the hardest thing Ive ever done.  You were right, you know.  Before.  We were sitting in Ms. Pillsbury's office, I suppose she's Mrs. Schuster now, but you… you tried to tell me then how it would go.  I didnt want to believe it because you were my everything.  I made this pedestal and put you on it long before you loved me.  No one can live up to that.  But you tried.  You did.  I couldnt bear it - not being able to share evenings with you, classes.  Not being able to drive over to yours whenever I wanted, to take you out.  I couldnt stand the ache of it.  But I didnt tell you and I didnt acknowledge it.  Its so easy to get lost in New York.  Theres so much and it makes you feel so small and insignificant.  It was easier to pretend than to deal with it.  I dont... I dont blame you, Blaine.  I blame me.  You tried to talk to me about it, and I did what I always do.  I put my fingers in my ears and sang.  What you did...

Kurt...

                What you did killed me, Blaine.  But it forced me to realise...that...that what we had was unsustainable.  We were both too young and too inexperienced.  If it hadnt been you, it would have been something else.  What happened was only the last event in a series of events that had been escalating - Sebastian, Chandler...  It was always going to end.  It had to...to make us grow up.  Not apart.  I need you to understand something - I never stopped loving you and never will.  If, if were going to try this again...I...I cant go through that again, Blaine.  I cant lose you again.

Blaines heart felt like it had stopped beating only to start again.  Kurt was crying and Blaine was dimly aware that he was too.

Kurt had stopped.  He was looking at Blaine, through Blaine, right into his soul.  Blaine looked back and saw his own reflected in those turbulent pools.

Kurts lips were on his, claiming his, drinking him in.  Nerves on fire they closed the distance between each other, fingers gripping, grasping.  Breath coming in pants interspersed by half whispered I love yous.  Moans.  Groans.  Pants.  It escalated quickly.  Kurt pushed him against a desk and kept pushing until he was forced onto his back, then Kurt climbed up, covering Blaines body with his.  This was not like it had been before.  There was no tingle, no electric fear of being seen or caught; this was base, needy, animalistic, and primal.  This was a claiming.  Re-claiming.  So different from in the back of the Prius...

Tell me this means something, Kurt.  Please.  Kurt froze.  Blaine hated himself the second hed voiced the thought. 

‘You mean something, Kurt'.  Burt's voice echoed in Kurt's head.

Oh, Blaine, its always meant something to me.  You mean everything to me.  He reclaimed Blaines mouth.  Trying to kiss the pain away.  Trying to take back the last year. 

Blaine deepened the kiss the ring box long forgotten, back in his pocket, digging into his hip now with Kurts weight on top of him.  He didn't remember putting it back there.

Marry me, a statement not a request.

A sofa, their own house - shes thinking and he laughs at her his mouth full of biscuit.

What?

You were thinking.  He removes the biscuit, still whole to talk.

What did I do?

He mimics her hand gestures, his eyes smiling.  She laughs.  He then returns the whole Digestive biscuit to his mouth.

You are wasted as a straight man.

He snorts in laughter.

The domesticity of the situation comforts her.

It had been going so well.

Kurt had jumped off him like he had been stung.  Blaine didnt even have time to register his confusion before Kurt was across the room pacing, his knuckles pressed to his mouth like hed been slapped, his eyes still red-rimmed, his eyes watery.

Kurt?  What did I do?  Blaine sat up and went to move to Kurt, to hold him, to try to get him to calm down.

You know, I dreamt of you asking me that.  So many times, Blaine.  I... I dont know what...

Hey, hey... Kurt, its OK.  Shhh.  He tried to touch him but Kurt flinched away violently.  Blaine was dimly aware that all the sound had drained from the world to be replaced by a high pitched whine.  His heart was hammering in his chest, his mind muddled and racing.

Why now?  Why like this?  His voice crept up an octave.  Cracking and wavering.

Because, I love you.  Because we can.  Because I want to blind myself to you in every way.  Because I want to show the world Im yours and youre mine.

Youre 18, Blaine.  Im 19.  Were barely back together.

What does any of that matter?

Look at us.  We are a mess.

We wont always be.

Then ask me again, in a year, three years...  Not now, Blaine.  Not like this.  Please, Blaine.  Dont.

Dont what, Kurt?  Love you?  The ringing in his ears got louder.

Blaine... 

His vision blurred.  His head felt like it was about to explode; erupting like thunder.

Damn it, not now.  He slumped forwards.

Blaine?  Concern.

Blaine fell.

Blaine!  Panic.

How many times was he going to wake up like this - in a hospital bed in the company of beeping sterile machines?  He looked down - he was still in his costume from Regionals. 

Oh thank God.

Kurt.  He turned in the direction of the voice to see him.  He looked so pale and his hair was mussed like he had been running his hands through it.

Sam - get the doctor.  Kurt ordered Sam out of the room as he grasped Blaines hand.  Kurt felt like he was on fire.  Ah, thats right - Blaine was cold.  Howre you feeling?

What happened?  His throat felt like a bucket of sand had been poured down it.  Kurt fetched him a glass.  He took it and sipped greedily.

You were making out with Lady Hummel over here and it all got too much for you, Santana filled in.  Blaine frowned.  He wont tell us, by the way.

Tell you what?

Whether he accepted you or not.

Lets give Kurt and Blaine some privacy, Artie started to usher their friends out of the room.  Blaine silently thanked him.  Kurt glared.

Well, hobbit?  Is he finally going to stop mooning over you and get rid of his freakish one-armed man pillow and start tapping that sweet ass of yours again, because I gots to tell you - he has been mighty frustrating while hes been in denial.

San…, Kurt growled.  Blaine put his hand over his eyes.

Oh, come on!  This is the most interesting thing thats happened since Mr Schu actually managed to put a ring on it - who knew that would actually happen, right?  I mean, third times the charm and all, but still...

How much has she had to drink?  Mercedes laughed awkwardly putting her arms out to help Artie usher everyone out.  Blaine didnt miss the pointed look she threw Kurt as they all left.  Santanas protestations audible as they went down the hall.

Kurt sighed.

You going to tell me whats going on with you?

Im sorry?

You said not now.  Before you fainted.  What did you mean?

Blaine furrowed his eyebrows.

It's nothing...'  Kurt glared at him.  Blaine signed.  ‘Ive been getting these headaches.  Dizzy spells.  He paused.  Kurt knew there was more.  He couldnt deny him.  Um...blackouts.  Lost time.  Its like standing in the sea and theres a wave coming but I... I cant move and then Im drowning and it all goes dark.  Then it passes.

How long has this been going on for?

Um... a couple of months I think.

Who else knows?

No one.

Jesus, Blaine.  Youre going to talk to the doctor about this and get some scans.

Im fine, Kurt.  Its nothing.

Its not nothing!  People dont just pass out for no reason!

The door opened and a woman in her mid-forties entered. 

Hello, Mr. Anderson.  Im Dr. Lovejoy.  Your friends say you passed out.  She walked over to his bedside and took out a pen torch.  Look at me for a moment if you would.  He complied.  Follow the light for me.  Thats it.  Well your iris response seems normal, pupils dilating fine.  What were you doing before it happened?

We were talking...

We were arguing.  It was pretty heated.  Kurt corrected.  Blaine shot him a pleading look.  Kurt refused to look at him and instead looked right at the doctor.  He said its been going on for months now.  The dizzy spells and the fainting.

Is that so?  Blaine glared at Kurt then met the Doctors concerned gaze.  She was pretty once, Blaine noticed.  So, Mr. Anderson.  Does it usually start when youre under emotional stress?  Or are there other triggers?

No.  It seems random.

Ok.  She wrote something on her chart then flicked back a couple of pages.  A couple of years ago you were in the hospital due to an attack?

Blaine frowned.

Whats that got to do with anything?  Kurt asked quietly.

Mr...?

Hummel, Kurt Hummel, Kurt supplied.

Mr. Hummel, Id like to talk to Blaine alone for a moment, would that be OK?  Kurt looked at Blaine, then back at Dr. Lovejoy.

No.  Kurt can stay.  Hell only make me relay every word to him afterwards anyway.  Blaine sighed.

OK.  Mr. Anderson, your notes say you were in hospital for a month and there is a mention here of head trauma and bleeding.  Have you suffered from any headaches since then?

Only in the last couple of months.  I had an MRI and a CT scan after the attack, after the swelling was down and my doctors said there was minimal permanent damage considering.

Id like to do another CT scan.  Im concerned you may have had a bleed.  Did you hit your head recently?

No… I don't think so anyway.

OK.  Id like to go ahead anyway to be sure.  Could you sign this form and Ill set it up.  Blaine nodded numbly and signed.

                Im sure its nothing serious but Id like to be check.  She smiled softly then left.  Blaine dropped his head backwards against the pillows.  Silence.  He looked up.  Kurt was still standing, clenching and unclenching his hands.

Kurt...?

Kurts eyes snapped up and met Blaines.

Why didnt you tell me?

Ok, youve lost me.  About what?

Everything!  How bad those guys beat you before!  About the brain damage!  About the headaches, the dizziness, any of this?!

Hey, hey.  Its going to be OK.  Im going to be OK, Kurt.  Blaine knew the timing was bad.  He knew one of Kurts triggers was sickness, illness, hospitals.  God knows with his mothers death, his fathers heart, his fathers cancer, he had a right to be sensitive about the subject.  Kurt, Id have told you if I thought it was serious.  Kurt look at me.

Kurt raised his eyes.  Blaine reached for him and Kurt gravitated towards him.  Blaine took his hand and absently ran his thumb over Kurts knuckles in a way he knew used to soothe him.

Look, Ill have the CT, it will show nothing.  Its probably stress or tiredness or my blood pressure or something.  Kurt nodded absently.  You OK?

Kurt raised his eyebrows at Blaine.  Blaine laughed.