Soul mates never die

Sleeping with Ghosts – Placebo

He woke up blind; vaguely aware he was lay in something sticky and wet.  He fought down a wave of nausea as he tried to sit up. 

Dont panic!  Breathe. 

His neck felt wrong.  Breathing was not usually this hard. 

Breathe, dammit! 

Commands replacing the basic functions his body usually handled without instruction.  He tried breathing shallowly – sipping the air until he felt like he was no longer drowning on land.

He raised a hand to try to clear his vision and blinked a few times in quick succession.  Mild success - everything was red but he could make out shapes.  Why was it so dark?  He tried to sit up again and managed with a little triumph, feeling a flare of pain deep beneath his ribs.  A hot wet pain that unnerved him.  This felt familiar.  He took shallow breaths again in an attempt to avoid passing out.  His mind felt unravelled. 

A stab of clarity - Kurt?  Where was Kurt?  His bowels turned to ice.  He struggled to his feet swallowing down the nausea and the pain - overriding it, ignoring it with every shred of conscious effort he possessed.  He tried to call out but no sound came.  He fell back against what felt like a wall - cold, brick and unyielding.  Had it been raining? His back was wet and cold and he felt his hair matted to his forehead.  Then he noticed his hand was scarlet.  Blood.  What had happened?  He was dimly aware that he was in an alleyway and that he was alone.  Kurt wasnt here.  He desperately tried to recall what had led him to be here.  He tried not to think about the fact that the blood seemed to be his and something was desperately wrong with his left side.  Fortunately the wall behind offered him some support as he shakily checked his pockets for his phone.  Nothing.  A mugging?  His shirt was open and ripped leaving his chest exposed.  His knuckles, wrists and arm joints ached in a familiar way that told him hed definitely hit something.  Had he been in a fight?  For the second time in as many days (or so he thought) he was thankful for boxing.  At least he hadnt gone down easily.  Breathing as shallowly as he could he tried to walk.  Fire shot through his side as he moved his left hip.  Looks like he wasnt going anywhere.  He tried to call out again.  Nothing. He clutched his right arm across his wrecked frame in an attempt to hold himself together.  He hoped Kurt was all right.  That Kurt had been nowhere near this mess.  He had never been particularly religious - paying lip-service when his parents had demanded his presence at church, but now in desperation he silently prayed to anyone and anything whod listen. 

Let Kurt be safe.

A siren and footfalls broke his reverie as he slid back down to the ground. 

Oh thank you.  Thank you.

Concerned faces he knew to be an ambulance crew were trying to keep his attention but he couldnt make a noise in response to any of their questions.  He tried to ask about Kurt.  Why were they only interested in him?  He didnt care about anything but Kurt.  How could he make them understand?  A police officer was taking to one of the paramedics and a name caught his attention.

                …Hummel.  Yes.  He called it in.  Hes over at the hospital.  We had to sedate him.

Kurt was OK.  Kurt is OK.  Blaine stopped fighting.

He had no idea how long hed been out for.  He had no idea why he was back.  He felt so cold but mercifully numb.  He tried to get up but was aware of a weight on his chest gently keeping him prone.

                No you dont.

That voice was musical.  He was definitely in heaven.  He risked opening an eye and was rewarded with a pair of concerned tropical pools.  Kurt looked so tired and pale.  He tried to lift an arm to touch him to make sure he was real but his body responded clumsily as if his limbs were stuffed with lead and straw.  As if he sensed what Blaine was trying to achieve Kurt took Blaines hand and placed it to his face pressing his lips - those glorious lips - to the back of it.  Kurts cheek was wet.  Why was Kurt crying?

                Dont you dare do that to me again.  Ever.  God, Blaine.  I was so scared.  I thought Id lost you.  Never do that again.

Blaine tried to comfort Kurt - tried to tell him that it would be OK.  But no sound came. 

                Shhhh, baby.  Dont try to talk.  Kurt rubbed his thumb across Blaines knuckles.  Blaine looked at Kurt questioningly but then there were nurses and fire in his veins and he couldnt think through the fog.

                ...better this way...may be brain damage...better that...put him under again...healing process... 

                ...ow long will h... 

                ...out...

                Everything hurt.  Everything.  Breathing, his hair, his teeth, his toes, his skin.  Everything.  He was so thirsty.  His head throbbed.  There was no concept of time.  Just a fuzzy nothingness.  His hand felt warm.  Everything else was so cold.  He focused on the warmth and tried to move towards it.  Something was holding him down.  He let out a silent scream of frustration resulting in nothing but a flare of fire through his left side.  He focused on shallow breathing and on the warmth clutching his right hand like a lifeline.  He focused on trying to move the fingers of his hand.  The warmth around his hand squeezed him lightly.  He felt like he was falling again.  He felt like he was spinning, falling down the rabbit hole.  Falling.  Slipping.  Spinning.

He opened his eyes warily.  Something heavy was pinning his right arm.  Kurt.  Pale even in sleep.  He looked so fragile.  Dark circles under his eyes paid testament to how much he needed this release.  This brief respite.  Reverie.  He smiled softly at the sight.  He wanted nothing more than to stroke Kurts cheek.  To hold him close and to comfort him.  A movement in the corner of his field of vision caught his attention and he looked up.  The doctor walked in and Blaine was furious with her immediately.  Could she not see that Kurt was resting?  He tried to reprimand her in hushed tones but couldnt make a sound.  His frustration burned and he glared at her as if she was the enemy.

                Mr. Hummel?  She gently shook Kurt awake, ignoring Blaine.  If looks could kill she would have been murdered twice over.  Kurts eyes fluttered open and focused on Blaines. 

                Youre awake...  Kurt mumbled in wonder.  A faint smile erasing some of the worry etched into his features.  Blaine squeezed Kurts hand in what he hoped would be a manner that would convey what he wanted to say.  The doctor cleared her throat, but Kurts eyes never left Blaines.

                Mr. Anderson.  Glad to have you back with us.  Blaine didnt even look at her.  Dont try to speak.  That was the last straw - it was bad enough that she had woken Kurt when he so desperately needed sleep, to rest, now she was rubbing salt in his wounds.  Did she think he was mentally impaired in some way?  He had noticed that he couldnt speak.  Blaine unleashed the full scathing power of his eyes on her.  Something almost audibly snapped in Kurt and he spun around to face the doctor.  She seemed oblivious and continued.  A small part of Blaine felt guilty almost immediately - she was only trying to do her job.  He lowered his eyes back to focus on Kurts features as the doctor picked up the clipboard from the end of Blaines bed and started rattling off information about his progress.  She wasnt answering any of the questions Blaine had but couldnt ask.  His mind felt loose and unhinged and he couldnt keep up with the list of injuries.  He didnt care about himself.  He just wanted to know what had happened and how he could help Kurt.

                ...extensive bruising... larynx... broken ribs... compound fracture...  bruising... hip... abrasions... stitches... surgery... physiotherapy...

                How long until he can come home?  Kurts clear voice pierced the monotony and fetched Blaines attention.

                Well the MRI scans of his brain indicate that theres no permanent damage and there doesn't appear to be any swelling.  He needs to rest his larynx and we wont know more there until the swelling has gone down.  The physiotherapist will be here in about an hour to talk you both through the rehabilitation and some exercises Mr. Anderson will need to do to get mobility back in his left hip and arm.  Be thankful hes such a strong fighter or youd be organising his funeral right now.  From the state of the three men the police have picked up it looks like he gave as good as he got.  Youre really lucky.  She smiled and turned to go.  Blaine could see the fury in the set of Kurts jaw at the lucky comment and took private joy at what he knew would come next.

                You think hes lucky?!  He almost died.  He may never be able to sing or talk or play an instrument again.  Thats his life!

                Hes alive.  That stopped Kurt in mid-flow.  Blaines mind was reeling with the confirmation of his suspicions and he zoned the conversation out as his mind pieced together the new information.  So hed been attacked.  By three men.  Hed fought them off as well as he could.  That made sense.  How did Kurt fit in?  Howd the paramedics known where to find him?  He needed answers. 

                You didnt answer my question.  When will I be able to take him home?

                Thats out of anyones hands but Blaines.  If the next couple of days show improvement, physically with the physio - if hes up and moving about then he can go home.  But its going to be a long road.  Hes probably going to need a couple of surgeries on his left arm and shoulder.  Psychologically I have no idea.  Were going to have to play that one by ear. 

                Thank you.  Kurts voice was quiet.  Resigned.  He looked down at the pale hospital-green bed sheets and refused to meet Blaines eyes.  Blaine didnt even notice the doctor leave.  Kurts hand had never left his so he squeezed it effectively bringing Kurts eyes to meet his.  He cocked his head to the side in what he hoped was a questioning way and tried to communicate his concern for Kurt to Kurt.

                Stop it, Blaine.  Stop looking at me like Im the one who is in pain right now.  The confusion must have been evident in his eyes because Kurt started to cry.  Im so sorry, Blaine.  Blaine had never felt so helpless.  He was suddenly painfully aware of how much hed been reliant upon his voice before.  Hed never been so grateful that he had such expressive eyes.  But this wouldnt do.  He needed to comfort Kurt besides hand squeezes and vain attempts at telepathy using his eyes.  He needed to tell Kurt that everything would be OK because Kurt was all right and that was all that mattered.  That hed be OK and not to worry so much about him.  That Kurt needed to get some rest.  Blaine scanned the room for a pen, paper, anything.  Maybe he could write?  The sudden turn of his head caused another wave of nausea.  When it passed he moved with more caution.  He spotted what he wanted and gently moved his good hand from Kurts to try to reach for them.  Kurt frowned at Blaines movement and followed where he was looking.  Kurt reached over and retrieved the pen and paper and Blaine gave him what he hoped was a thankful look.  Blaine clenched and unclenched his right hand a couple of times then tried to grip the pen.  The muscles felt tight and sore and he knew that was from the punches hes apparently thrown with success.  He tried not to look at his hand - bruised and split and swollen.  His concentration face combined with his first attempted message:

Hi, Kurt!  J

 returned a smile, albeit briefly, to Kurts face and Blaines heart skipped.

                Hi.  Kurt breathed.

                Hows it going?  Kurt looked at him like he was insane.  You look like hell.  Kurt broke and his laughter was music to Blaine.  Kurt was going to be OK.

                You are insane.  Blaine smiled then flinched as he felt the side of his mouth split a little.  Hed obviously taken a bit of punishment to his face.  He wondered for a brief moment how bad he looked right now.  His attention was brought back when Kurt took a breath.  Why did you do that, Blaine?  Blaine frowned slightly.

          Do what?

                How much do you remember?

          Fragments.  Its really frustrating.  We were talking.  Then we were kissing. 

He paused and looked over to Kurt for a moment then continued.

          Then I was lying on the floor in an alley.  Then this.

                Kurt signed.  Nothing else?

          Nope.  Care to fill me in?  Id rather the facts than the story my mind is making up right now.

                Um... After we... kissed.  I kind of freaked out at you.  I said some stuff Im not proud of and Im kind of glad you dont remember.  Then I left.  You came after me and Im so grateful and angry that you did.  A silent tear traced its way down his alabaster cheek.  Blaine brushed it away lightly and Kurt caught his hand his eyes flickering back to lock with Blaines as he took a shaky breath and continued.  Um... I think they must have seen me grab you and push you against that wall.  Things got... heated.  I needed you so badly.  Id missed you so much and I thought moving on... trying to move on... would make it hurt less and it worked for a while and then you were there on that stage singing and the rest of the world fell away and I couldnt take it, Blaine.  And you were so damn polite and nice to me after everything Id blamed you for and said to you in your apartment and I...  You noticed them before I did.  I didnt know what you meant when you told me to run.  To get help.  I thought youd lost your mind.  Then I heard them.  The things they said.  They... werent interested in mugging us.  Theyd singled us out because Id kissed you and Id been all over you...  Its all my fault.  Blaine let Kurt break for a minute and rubbed small circles over Kurts back trying to comfort and desperately trying to communicate that he didnt blame Kurt at all.  For anything and that he was just so beyond glad Kurt was OK.  Kurt eventually calmed enough to continue.  Kurt took a deep breath.  You t...told me to run.  When I saw them I thought about staying with you.  You seemed so calm and it scared me more than they did.  You didnt even move from where you were leant against the wall.  Just calmly spoke to them.

Good evening, lads.  How can I help you?  My friend here was just leaving.  Good night, Kurt.  You didnt even look at me and I was terrified.  But I couldnt move.  They kept walking towards you and I swear if you smoked youd have lit up or something.  You were totally channelling James Dean.  Blaine huffed what would have been a laugh.  Kurt looked back down at his hands which were worrying the edge of the bed sheet.  I...um...One of them got so close to you I thought he was going to try to kiss you.  He leant a hand either side of your head - I thought you were trapped.

A scent memory flooded back to Blaine.  Stale beer and grease and acrid cigarettes.  Hed been able to see every pore on the mans face, every hair, every line, every wrinkle. 

You didnt even flinch when he punched the wall next to your head.  You were so calm.  Like youd been threatened like this so regularly it was nothing.  Like you knew exactly what you were doing... He...he tried to touch you.  He put his hand on your cheek and...I...I hadnt noticed the other one circle behind me until he was touching me.  His hand grabbed my... I must have screamed or something because suddenly you were there and the guy who had been pinning you was staring dumbly at the wall where youd been and you were between me and the other man.

Im not certain what you gentlemen think is going to happen here but it is not going to involve Kurt.  Theyd laughed at that.  Youd smiled but it didn't reach your eyes.  Kurt - I thought you had somewhere to be.  Rachel will be wondering where you are.  I was rooted to the spot until you shoved me gently.  I stumbled a little but I couldnt leave you.  All three of them were so close now and then one of them shoved you.  The one in red.  You looked at me and thats when I ran because I knew you couldnt take all of them and that youd need help and I heard this sick crunch and what sounded like an animal screaming and I couldnt see because I think I was crying.  Im so pathetic.  You were... they... and I was running away crying like a child...

Blaine frowned and squeezed Kurt gently with his good arm.  Kurt coughed lightly and took a deep breath.  Pulling himself together enough to try to continue.  Blaine gave him a look that he hoped communicated that he didnt think Kurt was pathetic or a coward, and that he was sorry, so sorry for making Kurt relive this.  Kurt swallowed. 

I...uh.  I managed to flag down a cop car - Id just run into the road in hysterics and theyd almost run me down.  But they seemed so concerned by me.  I tried to get them to go straight to help you but they were on their radios calling for back up and an ambulance for me and I full on lost it.  I tried to run back towards where Id left you but one of them grabbed me and I think they have grounds to do me for assaulting an officer because I think I hit one of them, but...  Then there were sirens everywhere.  So much noise and I was in an ambulance and theyd given me something and I suddenly had no energy.  Theyd strapped me to one of those little beds and put an oxygen mask over my face and I couldnt get to you.  I couldnt...

Blaine nodded.  He dimly recalled the sirens.  It was starting to come back to him.  His head was aching now.  He was struggling to stay conscious because Kurt needed him here.  He held him close with his good arm as Kurt shook and sobbed into his shoulder.  He recalled the first blow - hed blocked it and returned it.  The guy hed hit had yowled in rage and surprise and, Blaine knew darkly - pain.  That had triggered something in one of the others who had been about to chase after Kurt and instead threw a punch at Blaines head.  Hed ducked and sent a punch in return that had connected solidly with the mans lower chest knocking the air from his lungs.  For a moment hed actually thought he may have been about to walk away from this one.  Then the third guy had grabbed him from behind allowing the first man who had recovered to punch him viciously in the face.  Blaine had felt the spurt of blood which he knew meant his nose had broken.  Blaine had barely heard the crunch over the buzzing in his ears. 

                Watch his face!  Hes pretty this one.  Arent you pretty boy?

Blaine had sunk to his knees panting through his mouth.  He spat blood onto the floor.

                Hes gagging for it.  Look!

He only hoped hed bought Kurt enough time.  He bucked and wriggled and struggled against the vice-like grip.  No hope there. 

Stop it.  Buy Kurt more time.  Fight.  Get up! 

He willed himself on.  For Kurt.  Hed been hauled to his feet and hed thrown his head backwards and managed to connect skulls with the guy whod been holding him.  He knew one advantage he had was his smaller frame and his speed.  These three were that ex-jock-meets-real-world-bad-food-and-beer build.  Tall, broad and slow.  Hed tried to run back down the alley in the opposite direction to the way Kurt had gone, past the other guy. He had missed the second one pick up that plank of wood.  He didnt miss the way it had connected with his left hip.  He had felt something crunch.  Hed reeled into the wall.  Tried to recover - to keep running, but searing pain when he tried to put weight on it ruled the flight option out.  That had left him with fight.  Hed turned just in time to dodge a second blow aimed at his head which instead connected with his left shoulder.  His heart and mind were racing and he couldnt feel anything anymore.  Hed kicked out with his bad leg knowing hed never be able to support himself on it anyway and felt something solid recoil.  Then the third one was back.  He blocked the sloppy punch and returned one, but then the first one was back and he was being pushed back against the damp bricks of the wall behind him.  His head bounced with a sickening thwack against the bricks.  He felt something warm drip down his neck.  Hed struggled against the two holding him.  The third had grinned stupidly - the area around his eye already darkening. 

                Youre going to regret that, pretty boy.  Hold him tight this time.  Hes a wriggler.

Hed tried to call out, to bite, to scratch, and had been rewarded by a sharp back-hand across his face.  Then a flurry of punches to his torso - he heard another crack that must have been his ribs.  He must have blacked out from the pain.

Hed remembered the last time hed been in a fight.  Recalled the slurs, recalled the feel of fists and feet against him.  Hed taken up boxing so hed be ready if it had happened again.  Hed been so stupid.  Stupid.  Stupid.

He was on his back and there was a pressure on his throat - a booted foot, he realised dimly.  He couldnt breathe.  Couldnt.  Breathe.  He felt his shirt tear open, felt lips hot and sloppy against his skin.  He squirmed.  His arms and legs were pinned.  Realisation dawned on him…  He pushed the thought to the side.  He had no idea how long this had been going on - it felt like seconds and hours.  He hoped Kurt had made it to safety.  He needed Kurt to have made it.  He felt nails scrape down his body, felt clumsy hands tug at his belt and his jeans.  At least the men were distracted and not going after Kurt.  He was dimly aware of glass or something sharp slicing and digging into his back.  He felt hot breath and tongue and teeth.  Sucking.  Biting.  He removed his mind from his body.  Concentrated on keeping as still as possible.  Maybe theyd do what they were going to do then leave him alone and he could find Kurt and make sure that he was OK.  He vacated his mind.  He wouldnt let them have the satisfaction of watching him struggle.  He felt the weight on his arms shift.  Something in his shoulder tore.  He heard a faint screaming sound competing with the roaring in his ears.  Sirens?  Kurt!

Suddenly the pressure was gone and he tried to breathe but something was wrong.  His lungs were struggling for air but not enough was coming.  Not enough.  His vision went red then white then black.  Black.  Black.

                He wasnt sure when hed drifted off - whether it had been the medication or whether he had actually passed out from exhaustion.  Things were clearer this time though.  His eyes flickered over to where Kurt had been.  The chair was empty.  Blaine felt something drop in his chest and scanned the room, straining to see through the window down the hall.  Kurt had gone.  Part of him was relieved.  Kurt needed to go.  To rest.  To get over this. 

He realised he was thirsty and reached for a cup on the little table next to him.  He was mildly impressed that he didnt knock it over.  However, as he opened his mouth he realised he probably wouldnt be able to swallow normally.  He took a tentative sip and winced as the tiny amount of liquid passed crushed and swollen tissue.  The sounds of footsteps caught his attention and he glanced up.  A man entered his room and Blaine felt himself flinch.  He was mildly surprised by his physical reaction. 

                Hi, Mr. Anderson.  Im Dean and Ill be helping you regain mobility in that hip of yours.  Blaine raised his eyebrows and smiled lightly.  The man smiled and walked over picking up Blaines file humming softly.  Seemingly satisfied he returned the folder then walked around to move the small table out of the way.  Mr. Anderson, Id like you to try to sit up for me.  Blaine frowned slightly at the formality - Mr. Anderson was his father or his brother.  Not him.  Dean smiled genuinely in encouragement.  Blaine fought a wave of frustration knowing there was no point in even trying to correct Dean then slowly and gingerly sat up as straight as he could. 

                Thats great.  Now Im going to touch your good shoulder and help you swing around so youre facing me.  Is that OK?  Blaine tried to swallow.  Winced.  Then nodded gently.  Dean took that as permission and gently helped Blaine rotate to face him.  The look of concern in Deans eyes as he treated him like precious china made Blaine smile.  Youre not going to break me.  He wanted to joke.  I dont break that easily.  Deans eyes - green and compassionate - met his and he seemed to understand somehow. 

                Right.  Im going to see how much mobility you have in your left side.  Starting with your shoulder.  Im not going to lie - itll probably hurt like a bitch.  He winked at Blaine.  But if it gets too much I want you to tap me on the shoulder with your right hand, OK?  Blaine nodded slightly and let Dean do his job letting his mind wander.  His thoughts were punctuated by pain but he distanced himself as much as he could from it.  Only hissing when he was first made to put weight through his left leg.  He needed to get out of here.  Away from the pitting looks.  

He recalled writing down everything he could remember for a police officer at some point - Davies, Davis, David?  Recalled that they had the men they believed responsible and that hed need to identify them when he was able to.  Right now he just wanted to get out of here.  Out of the horrible hospital gowns.  Out of hospital.

                He was mildly surprised when Dare and Cooper appeared.  He was certain the shock had registered on his face but both had ignored him.  He raised his right hand in greeting. 

                Hiya, Squirt!  Dare leaves you alone for 5 minutes and you wind up here!  What the hell?  Blaine could see the worry behind Coopers jovial banter.  He grabbed his pen and paper.  Cooper stopped him with a hug.  Moms been going crazy, you know.  She was going to get on the next flight over here but I was due to audition for a commercial next week anyway so I said Id come check you out.  Dads furious...  Blaine was aware that Dare hadnt said a word and was hovering by the door.  Their eyes locked and Dare walked out.  Blaine struggled under his brother and scrawled

                Is Dare OK?  Cooper blinked at him. 

                Really?  Thats what you ask?  Not about my audition.'  Blaine glared at him.  ‘Yeah, hes fine.  Just feeling guilty.  Seems to think this wouldnt have happened if hed had your back like he was supposed to rather than playing house with some dude he met in a club.  I'm not inclined to disagree.  Blaine frowned. 

          Its not his fault, Coop.

                No, its not.  Its not yours either so stop thinking that now.  I can read you like a book.  Blaine rolled his eyes.

          I know its not my fault.

                Good.  So, whats new?  Blaine punched his brother in the arm lightly.  Kidding!  Um...I was talking to Kurt about what happened...  Blaine interrupted him.  Scribbling frantically.

          Wheres Kurt?  Is he OK?

                Yeah, hes fine.  Hes down at the police station identifying those...  Cooper couldnt bring himself to finish the sentence.  Hell be back later.  I told him to go home and sleep but he gave me a look that made my gut freeze so I chose not to argue with him.  What is it with you and defending your boyfriends against homophobic jerks, Blaine? Thats twice now.  Three times if you count that time you took that rock salt slushie to the eye for Kurt.  Its not a good hobby.  Blaine didnt correct him; he was too focused on the information that Kurt hadnt abandoned him.  Kurt would be back later.  Hed see Kurt today.  Blaine was aware he was smiling like a dork but he didnt care.  So... I spoke to your doctor and she is hot.  Like mega hot.  Blaine rolled his eyes.  Yeah, so, she reckons you could go home tomorrow.  Shes pleased with how physio is going.  Youll have to come back for physio every day for a bit and youll have to use crutches and try not to do too much but thats good right?  Ive spoken to Dad - Im moving in with you for a bit.  Blaine frowned at that.  Come on now.  Itll be fun.

          For you.

                Look, Blaine. When Kurt called me... when he told me what had happened.  That it had happened again.  I wasnt there for you last time and theres no way Im leaving you alone with this.

                He wouldnt be on his own.  Blaine had no idea how long Kurt had been standing there in the doorway. 

                Kurt, hey.  Howd it go down at the station?

                It was... tough.  Blaine studied Kurts face, his posture.  Reading him.  He could feel the exhaustion - mental and physical - pouring off him and he was filled with the sudden urge to hold him.  He shook it off and tried to focus on the conversation between Kurt and his brother.

                Ive made arrangements, Cooper.  Its my fault and Im going to step up.

                Its NOT your fault, Kurt!  Kurt ignored Blaines furious glare.

                Theres no discussion here.  OK?  Im moving in with Blaine, and Dare's going to stay with Josh.  Rachel and Santana have each other and theyll manage the rent at the loft together so matter closed.

                Hes my baby brother, Kurt.  You may have been his boyfriend but whereve you been for the last half a year?  He was a mess when you left.  Yes he cheated on you.  Boo freaking hoo.  Do you see how ridiculous this denial you have going on is?  Youre in love with him.  Youve always been in love with him and he is in love with you.  So in love with you he fought off three grown men so youd be able to run away.  Are you really going to keep in the friend zone here?  Because, frankly, this just friends thing has gone on long enough and he doesnt need your uncertainty and angst.  He cant focus on getting better himself with you like this, Kurt.  Kurt was shaking with anger.  Blaine was staring hard at a suddenly very interesting loose thread on the blanket covering his lap.  He was so painfully aware of Kurt.  How Kurt blinked like hed been slapped.  Blaine wanted to stop Cooper but he knew his brother was right.  Kurt shifted his weight as if he was going to flee.  To run.  But he walked over towards Cooper.

                Youre right.  Im not proud of what I did.  But regardless... he is my best friend and its my fault hes here.  Blaines pretty sure he growled at that.  It was so easy for them to talk about him like he wasnt even there just because he couldnt converse normally with them.  He held up the last note hed written after underlining and emphasising the not furiously.

                Its NOT your fault, Kurt!  Blaine glared at Cooper when he went to retaliate.  Look, I know you care, but I need to think. Please.  He meant it for both of them.  Im perfectly capable of looking after myself.  I have friends who would be more than happy to run me to my appointments, so just stop.  Both of you.  

His brain felt like it was full of fireflies.  He raised his hand to rub his temples and closed his eyes.  He felt rather than saw the looks Cooper and Kurt exchanged then heard them both stand and leave.  Probably to take their discussion outside.  He let the relative silence blanket him.  He cleared his mind and then went back over what he knew.  He knew he was broken, physically.  He could recover.  It would take a while but he could recover. 

·         There was no permanent damage to his shoulder or his hip - after surgery hed heal. 

·         His broken ribs were already mending so that was another thing that didnt need his attention. 

·         His voice...  The crushing damage was serious.  He knew that.  He also knew that all he could do was rest and wait for the swelling to go down.  Only time would tell there. 

He scribbled a note to ask whether the band and his manager had been notified. 

He took as deep a breath as he could manage to help clear his mind.  He let the new information flood over him - Cooper was back. 

·         His brother.  Theyd been mending their relationship and Cooper had been trying.  He was grateful that Cooper had stopped his parents flying over to see him.  He wasnt sure he could cope with looking at the vindicated look on his Fathers face, or whether he could deal with his mothers fussing over him like he was a child right now. 

He made a note to thank Cooper again.  He definitely did not want his brother around while he was healing though.  Especially while he couldnt talk.  Cooper could talk for America and even when hed been able to tell him to shut it Cooper had done his head in.  That left one other thing before he allowed himself to think more on the subject of his voice or lack thereof and of what had actually happened to him.

·         Kurt.  Now was not the time to be discussing their relationship - partly due to the one-sidedness of the conversation, but mainly because of the emotional wreck Kurt was right now. 

Blaine frowned.  Kurt was all over the place and part of him wanted to help Kurt sort his head out but he needed to put himself first for a change.  He couldnt focus on himself if he was looking after Kurt.  Cooper was right.  Blaine shuddered a little at the thought.  Hed leave Kurts offer on the table for today.  Hed let the two men he loved most in the world calm down. 

·         Sam - hed be worried sick if he knew.  He scrawled a note to contact him somehow.  He could do with talking to a friend who was emotionally distanced from this mess his life had descended back into.

Blaine flinched as he took another calming breath.  It hit him again how much he relied upon his voice – he used to think nothing of picking up his phone and calling someone.  He couldn't even do that anymore.  E-mail and chat would have to do for now.  Which led him to the main event:

·         His voice.  His voice was his everything - his whole career depended on it.  He had no back-up plan for this kind of scenario.  He knew he had no control over whether or not he regained his voice.  He also knew that the likelihood of him being able to sing like he could before was also gone.  There had been a lot of damage. 

Hed cross that bridge when he had to.  Right now he could be concerning himself for no real reason.  Maybe hed make a miraculous recovery and hed be singing again and doing what he loved in no time.  He laughed bitterly but it came out like a weasy huff.    He knew he had a tendency towards self-pity so he tried to find a positive like Ms. Pillsburry had suggested back when he'd seen her at Tina's insistence after The Break Up. 

Worst case - worst case, he still had use of his limbs.  He could play instruments.  He could still make music.  His voice for Kurt's life.  He was OK with that.  He smiled slightly.  It kind of reminded him of a twisted version of The Little Mermaid.  He huffed out another laugh.  He was going to be OK.

He stretched his arms out and caught sight of a sickeningly purple and yellow mark on his arm and his stomach responded violently.  That was a love-bite.  He was overcome with a sudden desperate need to shower.  To scrub himself all over with scalding water until he was pink and raw.  To remove all trace of his attacker's saliva, to remove all trace of that man.  He fought a wave of vertigo as he tried to swivel out of the bed like Dean had taught him.  He gingerly placed both feet on the floor - barely feeling the chill through his bare feet.  He reached for the walker Dean had left and slowly, slowly made his way to the small bathroom.  Shutting and locking the door behind him he leant heavily against the wall as he pulled off the hospital gown.  He couldn't stop shaking as he turned the shower on and up to the maximum heat and, avoiding looking at any part of himself, and lowered himself into the seat.  He couldnt feel the water stinging his skin.  Couldnt feel the small cuts left by the ground and the glass and the wall as the water hammered them.  Couldnt feel his tears.  Couldnt feel anything.

                He couldnt remember going home.  He looked around.  He was in his own bed.  In his own pyjamas.  He blushed a little at the thought of his brother helping him change or, god forbid, changing him.  He heard someone in the kitchen.  Without thinking he went to call out and was rewarded by the weasy sound of almost-silence.  He frowned mentally berating himself and pulled himself out of the bed reaching for his crutches.  Gingerly he lifted up his top and saw the blotches, marks and bruises that peppered his skin.  He shuddered and choked back the bile that rose in his throat.  His eye caught his reflection in the glass of one of the photo frames on his bedside table - his face was a series of purple, yellow and black mottling.  His nose was taped - he had been right then - it had been broken.  His hair hung damply against his forehead.  He cringed.  A clatter in the kitchen piqued his curiosity and he made his way slowly out of his room in the direction of the noise.

He hadnt been prepared to see Kurt making pancakes wearing his dressing gown.  The scene was ridiculously domestic.  Kurt turned and almost dropped the pan in shock - a little scream escaping as he jumped.  Blaine laughed silently.

                God, Blaine!  I didnt expect you to be up!  I need to get you a bell or something.

Blaine huffed his silent laugh and Kurt glared at him good naturedly.  Knowing Kurt he really would get him a bell.  Blaine made his way slowly to a chair by the table and gingerly lowered himself into it propping his crutches against the wall behind.  Kurt put down the pan and had rushed to help him but hed gently shooed him away with a look that said I can do this in no uncertain terms.  Blaine raised an eyebrow when Kurt turned to look at him again with a plate full of pancakes.  He placed the plate in front of Blaine and then grabbed something from the side next to the stove.  It was a mini whiteboard and a drywipe marker pen. 

                I got the idea from that episode of Buffy - the one with the Gentlemen.  Kurt explained as he passed the items to Blaine.  Blaine grimaced at the mention of the Gentlemen.  I know - they freak me out too!  Kurt understood.  It disturbed him a little how much Kurt understood him without him having to talk.  He filed that thought away for later.

          Thank you.

                Youre welcome.  Now eat up before they go cold!  Kurt pulled up a chair and pulled a couple of pancakes from the stack onto his own plate watching Blaine from the corner of his eye.

          Kurt.

                Yes, Blaine?

                This is awkward, but I think Im having memory lapses or something.  I dont remember anything about how we - he froze and rubbed out the word - I got home.

                Kurt looked at him with concern.  Doctor Reid mentioned something about brain trauma but your last MRI looked clear.  I thought you remembered everything now.  Has this happened before?  Blaine was grateful Kurt hadnt drawn attention to his little we I slip.

           Yes.  Before. 

                What do you mean?  Back in the hospital?

          No.  Before.

                Before...  How long has this been going on for?  Did you hit your head or something?  You didnt do any drugs or...  Blaine grabbed one of Kurts hands and underlined the word No.  Kurt looked at him and raised a hand to check his temperature.  Blaine raised an eyebrow at the gesture.  You should have said something, Blaine.  Thats not normal.  It could be something serious.

          My MRI was clean though, right?  So cant be serious.

                Kurt was silent.  Lost in thought.

          Wheres Coop?

                Hes staying with us.  Blaines eyebrows raised at the us.  Kurt ignored it.  Hes out getting some food for this completely and shamefully under-stocked kitchen.  Blaine huffed a laugh.  Its a crime, Blaine.  Blaine took a bite of his pancake and smiled as Kurt continued.  He and I came to an agreement.  Weve been sharing taking you to your appointments.  Coopers interview is tomorrow.  After that...  Blaine frowned.  How much time had passed?  ‘What?  Blaine shook his head and gestured for Kurt to continue.  After his interview Cooper is due back in LA so Im trying to convince him that he can go guilt-free to point at things somewhere that is far away to his hearts content.  Blaine nodded smiling slightly at Kurts gentle ribbing of his brother.

          OK.  What then?

                You rest and I look after your every whim?

          As interesting a proposition as that is...  I really dont need looking after, Kurt.  Im a big boy.  I can look after myself.

                Who exactly are you trying to convince here?  Blaine made a small humph noise and went to stand up.  What is it?

          Coffee?

                No, honey.  No coffee.  No hot drinks.  Theyre bad for your throat, remember?  Blaines features must have given his utter confusion away.  You really dont remember do you?  We discussed this.  The specialist your father sent you to gave you a list of what you could eat and drink and some exercises for your throat.  Blaine gave Kurt a blank look.  OK.  Blaine Im taking you to the hospital right now.  Youre scaring me.  Blaine let Kurt lead him back to his room...wait... Cooper had been staying too - he presumed in Dares room so that must mean... Blaine properly looked at his room.  Kurts things were mixed in with his.  This was their room.  A light-headedness kicked Blaine and he couldnt breathe.  Kurt looked at him with such concern it actually hurt.  What is it?  Blaine closed his eyes in frustration.  Racking his brain for answers to the missing pieces of this giant puzzle in front of him.  He felt Kurt help him to sit on the bed and start to help him out of his top.  He flipped at that.  Kurt looked at him in shock.  Blaine, weve been over this.  Youre scaring me.  Ive seen what that...that monster did to you, baby.  I know you hate it.  I know you feel dirty.  Youre not.  I love you, Blaine.  Look at me, please, look at me, baby.  Blaines mind was racing to catch up and he felt sick.  He raised his eyes and looked at Kurt and the worry and pain on his beautiful face struck Blaine and he lifted a hand to cup Kurts cheek.  I love you, Blaine.  It killed him that he could not return the sentiment.  It physically hurt him.  Kurt must have seen it in his eyes because his lips were suddenly locked with Blaines.  Blaine kissed him back pulling Kurt down back onto the bed, their bed, with him ignoring the stab of pain through his left hip.  Pulling aside his dressing gown he fisted his good hand into the back of Kurts shirt – No, Blaine corrected himself - it was his shirt.  He had no idea what had happened but Kurt was living with him.  Kurt was living with him.  And wearing his clothes.

                Blaine was cuddled up next to Kurt.  He felt like hed regressed two years.  His hands shook slightly as he reached for his mini whiteboard and the pen.  Kurt shifted slightly to let him reach further.  Blaine took as deep a breath as he could manage to calm himself.  This was probably going to lead to an argument that would be pretty one sided but he needed to know.  He couldnt remember and he needed to know.

          Kurt.

Kurt laughed lightly. 

                You know you dont need to write my name.  Theres just you and me here.  Blaine would have stuck his tongue out if he hadnt been so nervous.  Kurt seemed to pick up on his body language and waited.

          This isnt because of what happened to me is it?

                What isnt?  Blaines hand shook as he wiped away the previous sentence.

          Us.  This.  You moving in with me.

                Really, Blaine?  You think Im with you out of guilt?  Blaine hung his head slightly.  He hated everything about himself physically right now.  Hed never felt so utterly unattractive as he did right now.  His body shouting out about his assault.  About how another man had marked him as his property. 

Blaine, look at me.  How many times do I have to tell you?  I love you.  I have no idea how I thought Id be OK without you because frankly, I wasnt.  Youre it for me.  As soon as you reappeared in my life I knew what I had to do.  You dont regret this do you?

          God, Kurt, no.

                Whats wrong?  Blaine sighed.  His frustration blatant.  Kurt shifted so he was sitting facing Blaine on the couch.  You are so beautiful.  Blaine frowned at Kurt and rolled his eyes.  Kurt growled softly at that and kissed Blaine on the lips.  He gently, so gently, pushed Blaine against the back of the sofa and went to kiss his neck.  Blaine reacted physically thrashing out at Kurt.  Hey, hey, honey.  God, Blaine, I forgot.  Im sorry.  Im so sorry.  Shhhh.  Kurt reached for him.  Blaine panted silently.  Fighting back the waves of panic that had shot through his system as it unconsciously recalled the last time hed been shoved and pinned against something.  His throat felt like it was closing up from the weight of a full grown man standing on him.  He forced himself to look.  To really look.  The men werent there.  It was only Kurt.  Just Kurt.  Blaine whimpered slightly and fell forward, burying his face into Kurts neck.  Fighting past his anxiety he kissed Kurt.  Kissed his neck, his jaw, gently sucking his earlobe remembering without having to try what made Kurt moan, what makes Kurt unravel.  Kurt groaned against him and tentatively allowed his hands to run softly across Blaines back.  Blaine locked eyes with Kurt, imploring.  Stop apologising, Blaine.  I should have remembered.  Im stupid.  Sorry, baby.  Blaine kissed the apology from Kurts mouth.  They moaned into each other and Blaine rolled so Kurt was dragged on top of him again.  Is this OK?  The frown faded from Kurts features as Blaine attacked his lips hungrily.  Breathing Kurt in.  His Kurt.  Somehow hed done something right.  He had been given another chance.  Another chance to love this glorious man after hed hurt him so badly.  Hed sacrifice talking, singing for this.  He sighed at the sight before him as Kurt allowed Blaine to pull his shirt over his head.  Blaine traced his fingers over Kurts torso, exploring the new definition under the skin.  He rose up to meet Kurts skin and worshipped every inch of it with his tongue and lips.  Kurt was making sinful noises that were going straight to Blaines crotch.  Blaines fingers toyed with the waistband of Kurts wickedly tight jeans.  Kurts hands fluttered over Blaines clothed chest and then hoisted Blaine into a sitting position.  Blaine took the opportunity to kiss Kurts throat.  Kurt tugged wordlessly at the hem of Blaines shirt.  Blaine froze.  He swallowed and nodded slowly. 

This is Kurt.  This is Kurt. 

A chant as Kurt gently stripped Blaines shirt off.  Blaine closed his eyes not wanting to see the disgust he was sure would be marring Kurts face, he was surprised Kurt could even look at him clothed at the moment let alone look at him laid bare.  His muscles ached from being held so tight.  He realised he hadnt been breathing when he felt lips on his collarbone.  Blaine's eyes fluttered open.  Kurt was kissing his chest.  His lips closing over each mark, each bruise and sucking.  Kurt was reclaiming him.  Blaine moaned and tried to kiss Kurt, but Kurt firmly held him down and continued.  So slowly.  Running his tongue and lips over each inch of skin.  Exploring.  Loving him, accepting him.  Blaine closed his eyes tightly.  Hed never wanted to tell someone he loved them more than he needed to tell Kurt right now.  Instead he did the only thing he could and let go.  Let go of the horrible memories.  Let go of the days, months, years before.  There was only Kurt and now.  It took all his strength and he was sure hed set his physio back by at least two weeks – Dean was going to be pissed at him – to roll them both so he was back on top.  He kissed Kurt hungrily needing to show him how much he loved him.  How much he meant to him.  He hadnt realised he was crying until Kurt traced a tear with a soft finger.  Cupped his cheek and kissed the tears away. 

I love you too.