I woke up with a feeling of extreme happiness, like I’d had the most awesome dream even if I couldn’t remember. I rolled onto my side in an effort to regain whatever pleasantries I’d had in unconsciousness, but a grunt pulled me farther into the world of the living.

What my sleep addled mind had taken for a pillow was actually a body. Not just any body, but Kurt’s body. Kurt was sleeping next to me, in my bed, in my dorm room. We were snuggling. Reality beat out dreams easily right then.

He was curled into a tight ball, almost in the fetal position. My left arm was trapped under his body and my leg clamped between his calves. He was facing away from me so all I could see was his profile but his beauty stunned me in the early morning sunlight.

I’d been told that youth was a time of experimentation and fun, sewing your wild oats and getting all the craziness out of your system. My own family thought that when I told them I was gay that it was just that, an experiment. They may still think that, I don’t know. They cut all forms of contact with me and I never really cared to try to reestablish any. If they couldn’t love me for who I was then I didn’t need them. I’d found love all on my own.

At twenty years old I met a man who would change my life. A few of my friends said I was crazy for getting involved with a guy with a kid. “Do you really want a premade family, Blaine?” But I didn’t care. I’d only had a glimpse of them, but I liked what I saw. The more time I spent with them the harder I fell. I’d been seeing Kurt less than a month when I realized I was in love with him and I loved Jude like crazy, too. I was afraid to tell him. Kurt wasn’t just some guy, I was pretty sure he was the one. But he had told me he’d never been in a relationship before, he’d never done more than kiss a guy and only three at that. I wasn’t ready to get physical, either, but I was afraid if I told him I loved him so soon, he would think I was just trying to get in his pants.

After my train wreck of high school romances, which looking back were not romantic at all, I decided I wanted my next relationship to go slow. Sex had been a main focus back then. I didn’t want that to happen with Kurt. Whenever we did decide to get intimate, I wanted it to be special, meaningful. I may not have been a virgin but I had never made love with anyone, and yes, there is a difference.

That was why it just about broke my heart when Kurt told me he wanted to have sex. He thought that it was what I wanted so he was just going to do it. I almost cried, because for a moment I saw myself in those scared blue eyes. I’d done the same thing for years, gave myself to others because I thought I should, that it would make the other person happy and want to be with me even more. I didn’t want that for Kurt, no one should ever feel like they have to.

Last night could have been terrible, with me rejecting his advances like I did. I’m not the best with words and I can sometimes come off as insensitive, but he understood and was grateful even. I knew he was scared, not of me but of sex in general. I never intended for him to think I wanted that from him so soon, that I expected it. I was happy with our soft kisses and gentle touches. If I could never do anything more than kiss Kurt for the rest of my life I would die happy, just knowing he was that much mine.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” I sighed as Kurt’s eyes slowly opened. His hair was mussed and he looked confused for a second before a slow grin spread across his face. I moved forward, placing a kiss to the corner of his mouth before he hid his face from me.

“Blaine, I love you, but I really want brush my teeth right now. And pee.”

I fell back onto the bed, laughing out loud. Kurt smacked me lightly on the chest before untangling himself and stumbling to his feet. I hadn’t really paid much attention to his pajamas last night after the whole sex fiasco but looking now I saw his shirt read LIKES BOYS in bold black letters. I raised an eyebrow at him and he just blushed and smiled.

“Lady Gaga project in high school,” he said with a dismissive wave. “We all made shirts stating something about ourselves that we were insecure about but that we couldn’t change because we were born that way.”

I hummed a few bars of the tune that had been so popular when we were in high school. He smiled and headed for the bathroom.

“Wait, so you were insecure about being gay?” I asked him. He seemed so confident about that part of himself and from what I’d seen of his family, they were nothing but accepting and loving. Maybe it hadn’t always been that way.

“Not so much about being gay,” he stated without turning. “It was more that I was insecure with how others saw me. I got a lot of harassment at school even before I came out. But I never really had an issue with it myself. Well, except for the whole Brittany thing.”

Before I could ask him what that meant the door was closed and I heard the sink running. I settled back onto my pillow, inhaling deeply in the scent of Kurt that still lingered there.

I must have dozed off again because the next thing I knew Kurt was pouncing on top of me, kissing me soundly. I kissed him back with my lips clamped shut because, well, morning breath is not exactly attractive.

He sighed happily and wormed back into my arms. I tucked his head under my chin, my feet brushing against his shins.

“So what was the whole Brittany thing?” I asked as lightly as I could. He stiffened and I was worried that I had overstepped some unspoken boundary. We both talked about our pasts, but I had left some parts of mine unsaid and I knew he’d probably done the same. Maybe this was one of those things we weren’t going to talk about yet, if ever.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I hastened to say. “It’s none of my business really.”

“No, it’s fine. Just a little embarrassing,” he said nervously. “I dated a cheerleader for a week in high school. It was right after I found out that Simone was pregnant and my dad and Finn were starting to really bond. I thought that since I’d already had sex with a girl, that it had happened and now there was no denying it, maybe I could be straight. For my dad. For my kid. I knew I wanted him but I didn’t know how it would be for Jude having a gay dad. So I dated Brit, which only confirmed the fact that I am indeed very much homosexual.” He giggled at the memory, which made me wish I’d known him forever. How was it that I’d only been hearing his laugh, his voice, for a few months?

“So did you two…” I trailed off suggestively and he pushed away from me to meet my gaze, his eyes wide.

“What? NO! I told you the only person I’d ever been with was Simone and I don’t remember that,” he huffed indignantly.

“Sorry, it’s just the way you said dating her made you sure, I just thought maybe—“

“God, no. I love Brit to death but when she kissed me all I could think about was that she tasted like root beer lip gloss. I hate root beer. She did try to feel me up, or I guess you could say, feel me down, and I realized that the only way it was going to work was if I was too drunk to notice she had boobs. Kissing her wasn’t awful but it wasn’t fun either.”

We were both quiet for a moment before he spoke again in a tiny voice.

“Do you think less of me, knowing that I tried to change who I was?”

“Never,” I replied fiercely. “I would never judge someone for what’s in their past. Besides, it sounds like you were just trying to change to make the people who loved you happy. While I don’t believe you should have to, I understand why you would try.”

I knew all about trying too hard to please others, to make them like you even if you don’t like yourself in the process. It never worked out in the end.

We spent the rest of the morning in comfortable silence, just holding each other and singing softly. I loved hearing his voice.

We finally left the room to get some breakfast, or lunch really, after discovering that my roommate had cleaned out the minifridge before he left for the weekend, leaving only a withered banana—“why is that even in the fridge?”—and an open pack of cocktail weenies.

There was a small diner just off campus that served breakfast all day, so we walked there, stomachs grumbling as we discussed our favorite breakfast foods.

“So next weekend, Puck and Lauren want us to double with them. You feel up to it?”

I was surprised at the invite but I could see that Kurt was excited by the prospect. I didn’t know if it was just the idea of going out or the idea of going out with another couple. We were accepted as an official couple by his friends and family and it made him very happy.

I nodded, not really sure how this was going to turn out but not wanting to disappoint him.

“I’m on my way now to pick Lauren up from the house, sweetie.” Kurt’s voice rang through the speakers of my car. It was odd, but after Burt had realized I didn’t have a hands-free setup in my car he insisted on installing one. “You’ve got my boy and my grandbaby in that car half the time, Blaine. That’s precious cargo.”

“That’s fine, babe. I’ll just wait for you in the car.” I was nervous about spending the evening with the Zizes-Puckermans. I’d only met Lauren once and the girl was kind of scary. Puck and I had joked around a few times at the Hummel house, but we’d never had a real conversation.

“No, no, Blaine. Go on in. Noah’s already has us a table. He’ll keep you company until we get there.”

“Great,” I lied. I had been counting on Kurt acting as mediator between me and them, not having to make conversation with a guy I barely knew for who knows how long before our partners arrived. I could already feel the awkwardness and I was still in the parking lot.

We exchanged goodbyes and I took a deep breath before unbuckling my seatbelt. I could do this.

I walked into the restaurant and immediately spotted the mohawked man in a corner both near the back. He had a pitcher of beer in front of him with three glasses lined up, his own already half empty. He raised a hand to me and I made my way over with a friendly smile plastered on my face.

“Miller alright?” he asked as a greeting. I nodded and he smiled slyly. “I know Hummel doesn’t drink but I thought this would be a good start for the rest of us.”

We sat in silence for a minute, each working on our drinks. I wanted to make a good impression on this guy since he was one of Kurt’s closest friends. My phone beeped and I opened it to find a text telling me Kurt and Lauren were going to be another forty-five minutes at least. Fashion emergency. I chuckled, shaking my head, and showed the text to Puck. He just rolled his eyes.

The quiet was getting to be too much.

“So, tell me about yourself, Puck. I feel like I should get to know my boyfriend’s best friend.”

Puck looked startled. “Hummel told you I was his best friend?”

“Yeah,” I replied, confused. “Aren’t you? I mean, you did make him your best man.”

Puck’s brows were furrowed and he threw back the rest of his drink in one long swallow. “Yeah, he’s probably the one guy I can count on to be there for me no matter what. I didn’t know he thought of me that way, too.”

“What do you mean?” I asked genuinely curious. I normally wouldn’t be one to pry, but I also wasn’t used to drinking and I was already working on my second beer. I felt talkative.

Puck just stared at me. It was unnerving.

“Shots,” he stated without preamble.

“W-What?” I stuttered out.

“Shots,” he repeated, standing up and moving to the bar. He returned with a bottle of vodka and three shot glasses. He filled two glasses and slid one in front of me. “Take the shot, Anderson.”

I almost said no, but there was something in Puck’s face that told me it would be a bad idea. I swallowed the horrible liquid, grimacing at the taste and the burn in my throat and chased it with my beer. Puck nodded and did the same, refilling our glasses immediately.

 “Now I’m gonna tell you the story of me and Hummel in high school so you’ll know why it still amazes me that we’re friends.”

So I sat back and let the story unfold. Puck spared no details in describing all of the horrible shit Kurt had gone through at the hands of bullies, some of whom were the people who were now his close friends. I couldn’t believe some of the things I was hearing. I mean, I’d gotten pushed around and had the crap kicked out of me once but this was unreal. The silver lining to this thundercloud of a story was that Kurt took everything that was thrown at him and rose above it.

“So how the hell is it that you two are best buds now?” My voice was thick with emotion and alcohol. I was angry. I knew it was irrational but I couldn’t help it.  I’d lost count of how many shots we’d taken. Hell, I couldn’t even give an estimate of how much time had passed since we’d started talking.

“It started with glee club,” Puck said simply, draining his beer once more. The pitcher was empty and he hailed a waitress. “Once I joined up and realized it wasn’t that bad, I took a closer look at the people in it. They weren’t all freaks and losers like I’d thought. And they were there for me through the whole Quinn thing, Kurt especially.”

I had no idea what he meant, Kurt having only mentioned Quinn to me once before.

“When Kurt told us all about Jude and how he was keeping him to raise on his own, I really admired that. He was doing what I didn’t have the balls to do. He was stepping up and being a man for his kid.”

Now I was really confused, and I couldn’t even blame it on the alcohol. It must have shown on my face because Puck just smirked.

“He hasn’t told you any of this has he?”

I shook my head and he sighed before going on.

“I have a daughter just about Jude’s age.”

I gaped at him. He smiled bitterly.

“I knocked Quinn up while she was dating Finn. Long story short she didn’t want to keep the baby so she gave it up for adoption. I never even fought for my kid.

“Kurt already went through hell on a daily basis, and now he was gonna add being a teen dad on top of all of it. Kid had balls of steel. I caught him after glee practice to tell him how much I respected what he was doing and that I wished I could have done the same with Beth. He just looked at me and it was like he knew how much I was hurting about giving her up. He brought Jude by later that week and we started talking. I tried to apologize for all the shit I’d done to him, but he just told me to hand him a towel so he could burp Jude without ruining his jacket.

“He didn’t want to talk about the past. It felt almost like I was getting a second chance.

“I’m telling you this so you’ll understand that if you mess up, he’ll forgive you, because that’s just Kurt. But you will still have to live with what you’ve done. I have to every damn day.”

I was stunned. This guy barely knew me and he’d just laid his life story down. He cared about his friend so much that it didn’t matter how bad it made him look, as long as he got his point across to me.

“So, if I find out that you break my boy’s heart, he won’t hurt you, but I will. This had better not be a case of hit it and quit it.”

I snorted, a drunken giggle escaping. I was past the point of tipsy, headed for full on wasted. Vodka did not sit well with me.

“Don’t worry I haven’t ‘hit it’ nor do I plan to quit it once I have,” I tried to say eloquently, the slur in my voice spoiling the effect.

“You telling me you’ve been with Hummel since summer and you two haven’t done the dirty yet?” Puck scoffed. “Damn, I didn’t think he’d still be such an ice queen.”

“Hey, Kurt’s no ice queen!” I exclaimed louder than I’d meant to. “We are waiting until we’re both ready.”

“So are you a virgin, too?” Puck asked, eyebrow raised.

“No, far from it,” I slurred. This was why I didn’t drink. I became far too honest when alcohol was in my system. “Can I tell you something?” He nodded at me, smirking. I leaned closer to him so I could whisper, though the people at the next two tables probably heard me anyways.  “I got around in high school.”

“Really?” Puck looked intrigued.

“Yep,” I said, my lips popping on the word.

“So, were there a lot of gay dudes in your school?”

“A couple, but I only dated one guy from my school. He liked to go to this gay bar so he got me a fake ID. After he dumped me I started going there on my own. The guys there made me feel wanted. Nobody else wanted me, not even my family, so I just went with it, ya know?”  

It was then that I realized I’d just confessed to screwing random guys at a bar to my boyfriend’s best friend. It was a sobering thought.

Puck took in my widened eyes and chuckled. “You don’t drink much, do you?” I shook my head, starting to feel slightly ill. I couldn’t believe I told all that to Puck. I was so screwed.

“Don’t worry, Anderson. I’m not judging you and I won’t tell Hummel so stop looking like you’re about to go to the friggin electric chair or something.”

I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. He just laughed and patted me roughly on the back, before facing me with a serious expression. I don’t know how he managed to do it because he had to be at least as drunk as me at that point, but he did.

“So that’s why you haven’t taken my boy’s gay v-card yet? You think you’re damaged goods?”

I slowly began counting the scuffs in the table, Puck’s words hitting way to close to home. He was right though, I really didn’t think I was good enough for Kurt; sweet, innocent, virginal Kurt. He deserved better than me, better than someone who couldn’t even tell you the name of some of his past encounters.

“You’re not.”

My head snapped up at Puck’s voice. Before I could say something disputing him, strong arms wrapped around my middle.

“Hey, cutie! Sorry we’re late.” I attempted to smile as he slid next to me in the booth. Lauren moved to take a seat next to Puck, but he stood before she could.

“Baby!” He exclaimed raucously . He stumbled a bit as he moved towards his wife, falling into her grip. She caught him easily and he began to giggle.

“Puckerman, you had better be playing me right now,” she growled. He leaned against her shoulder heavily.

“M’sorry, babycakes. S’just trying to relive m’glory days of badassessness.” Puck’s words were mushing together and he was slowly sinking into Lauren’s embrace. She rolled her eyes at her overly-inebriated husband.

“You are so lame, Noah,” she huffed. “C’mon, let’s get you home. You hurl in the car and I’m leaving you in it.”

I watched as Lauren half-carried Puck out of the building, his drunken apologies carrying to me until he reached the door. I turned back to Kurt who was eyeing me suspiciously.

“Good god, are you shitfaced, too?” I tried to match his facial expression but I was pretty sure my eyebrows were working as a team no matter how I tried to raise the one by itself.

“Somewhat,” I answered. I was proud that I was able to keep the slur from my voice. He just rolled his eyes and pulled out his wallet.

“I’m going to go pay your bill and then we are going to get you back to my place so you don’t drown in a puddle of your own regurgitated stomach contents in your sleep.”

The car ride back to the Hummel house was tense. I knew Kurt was irritated with both me and Puck. He didn’t mind that I drank occasionally but I had never gotten drunk around him before. Hell, I hadn’t gotten that drunk since high school.

We pulled into the drive and he was out of the car in an instant. I opened my door and almost fell out before he was sliding an arm under my own and guiding me inside. I expected him to deposit me on the couch and leave me there; that was the standard practice with my buddies when I got too wasted to go to my own home.

To my surprise, he pulled me up the stairs and into his bedroom.

“Jude sleeps with Dad and Carole when they watch him nights,” he said in explanation to my confused expression. His eyes softened then and he continued with a soft smile. “Besides, did you really think I would leave you alone? I meant it when I said I’d rather not have you choke on your vomit and die. I kind of like you, Blaine, even if you can’t handle your alcohol.”

Seeing the love and care in Kurt’s eyes made me feel like I could tell him all my secrets and never need worry about it.

So I did.

I told him about my first boyfriend who took my virginity and then dumped me two days later, the visits to the bar and the one-night-stands, the abusive relationships—both physical and mental—and finally my decision to wait until I was sure I was in love and would be with someone for a long time before I gave myself to them physically.

By the time I was done I was crying, my breath hitching in my chest. Kurt stayed quiet through my entire speech, the only indication that he was listening was the sharp intake of breath as I recalled one particularly painful moment that occurred at the hands—and fists and feet—of one of my exes.

He never said a word, just wrapped his arms around me and rocked me lightly. His hands ran through my hair and I let myself completely break down. I knew he wouldn’t judge me and I needed the release.

We stayed like that, him holding me while I buried my face in his now ruined shirt, until we fell asleep.

I woke up with the urgent need to relieve my bladder, tumbling out of bed and crawling to Kurt’s en suite bathroom.

I caught a glimpse of the Kurt’s alarm clock on my way back to the bed. Four thirty-seven. I knew both Kurt and Jude were early risers and hoped that I felt more human once six a.m. rolled around.

Kurt’s arms snaked around me as soon as I lay back down and he pressed a soft, sleepy kiss against my ear. I relaxed into his embrace, knowing that whatever the morning brought, I wouldn’t face it alone. Kurt had held me while I relived some horrible memories and I had shown him the worst side of myself. He didn’t run screaming or demand that I get out of his house. He accepted me.

“I love you so much, Kurt,” I whispered. He merely tightened his grip on me, nuzzling his nose into my hair with a soft snore. I didn’t need to hear him say it; I could feel it in the way he held me.

I would never get tired of that feeling. I hoped I never had to live without it.