My first two years at OSU were not that exciting really. I was taking the minimum number of classes to keep my scholarships which meant that I was technically still a college sophomore when the summer rolled around. My scholarships would pay for two more years, leaving me to seek other means of paying for the final year it would take to finish my degree. I had been saving money for Jude and me to get an apartment in Columbus, but Dad was against this.

“I don’t see why you’re in such a hurry to move out right now, Kurt. You’ve still got a couple of years of school left. Why not wait until you’re finished up?” Dad was giving me that look that was a mixture of exasperation and worry. I didn’t want him to worry about me. It wasn’t good for his heart.

“I don’t want to be in my mid-twenties and still living with my parents. It’s just sad. Besides, don’t you and Carole want to have some time to yourselves? You never got a proper honeymoon, after all, what with Jude getting sick right after wedding.” I still felt guilty about that. Rather than taking their trip to Waikiki, she and Dad had spent the week designated for their honeymoon in the hospital with me and Jude. What had been originally diagnosed as a cold turned out to be RSV which turned into pneumonia. I’d never been more terrified in my life.

“Hawaii will still be there in three years, Kurt,” Dad said sternly.

“You don’t know that for sure. Stuff happens,” I countered. I knew I was being ridiculous but it was the only thing that popped in my head that didn’t sound like whining. Dad’s grin told me that he knew I was out of answers.

“Well, if it does decide to sink into the ocean between now and then I guess Carole and I could always go to the Bahamas.” His expression turned serious again. “I mean it, Kurt; you know we love having you two here. I know you don’t want to be a burden, but what you gotta understand is you’re not. At all. You never could be.”

“I could be if I wanted,” I grumbled, knowing the argument was lost. Dad just laughed.

“No, you couldn’t. Since you were little you’ve been the most responsible kid I’ve ever seen. You can’t stand to be idle. Never thought I’d have a kid so willing to do chores and as soon as I was sure you wouldn’t kill yourself in the shop you started pulling more than your own weight in there. At twelve you were already a better mechanic than some of the guys I hired back then.”

It was true. After my mother passed I spent a lot of time in the shop with Dad. I wanted to be just like him so I watched every movement he made like I was studying him for science.

“Alright, Dad. You win. I’ve got to go study for my last two finals before I put Jude in the tub.” I sighed and turned back to the books in front of me. Jude was in the backyard playing while Carole worked in the garden. After I finished with this chapter I was going to join him. I could never get enough of playing with him.

His latest obsession was climbing trees. It had freaked me out the first time I saw him perched on a limb twenty feet in the air, but he had simply laughed his silent laugh and gracefully swooped down to the ground, signing to me a mile a minute about the bird’s nest he had found. I ‘oohed’ appropriately while my heartbeat regained a normal pace and before I knew it he was scrambling back up the tree. Carole had smiled knowingly at me as I watched with terror on my face. 

“He’ll be fine, Kurt. Don’t be such a worrywart.”

I had looked at her incredulously and she burst into laughter.

“Alright mister, I’m pretty sure we could grow potatoes in the dirt on your legs. It’s bath time.” I poured bubble bath into the warm water and watched as it turned into froth. I turned at the tap on my shoulder.

‘I’m ready.’ Jude stood before me in his blue bathrobe, rubber duckies in his pockets. I smiled at him, setting the toys on the side of the tub before plopping him inside.

“Eyes closed so we can wash your hair.” I loved this. He had inherited Simone’s hair, shiny black waves that hung past the nape of his neck when wet. When it was dry it curled enough to not look girly. His features were mostly his mother’s, but I was evident in his blue eyes and his smile. And his stubborn personality. That he definitely got from me. He was tall for his age, clumsy most of the time, but graceful when he concentrated on it. He loved music and he loved to dance. Brittany, who had started a dance studio after graduation, had even offered to enroll him in classes despite his being two years younger than her youngest class. I had thought about it, but I didn’t want him to lose the freedom he exuded when he danced. Maybe when he’s older, I’d told her, to which she smiled and nodded and continued to tell me all about her work.

“Okay, now we rinse.” Jude’s hands covered his eyes as I poured water over his sudsy locks. “All done.”

I settled myself on the floor by the tub, textbook in my lap while he played with his ducks. The water would stay warm for another twenty minutes or so, just enough time for me to review one more chapter.

A wet hand on my shoulder pulled my attention from my history text just a moment later.

“You ready to get out?” I asked. Usually Jude fought to stay in the bath even after the water had cooled and his fingers had pruned.

He shook his head and bit his lip. I could tell he wanted to ask me something so I closed my book and gave him my full attention. I didn’t know what he might ask but I certainly wasn’t expecting what he eventually signed out.

‘Where’s my mommy?’

Crap.

I knew that one day this would come up. I had thought about Simone often over the past four years but she had never attempted to contact us and I respected her wishes in leaving her be as well. I racked my brain trying to figure out a way to explain to him our situation the right way so he could understand without making him upset.

“Well,” I began, pausing to take a deep breath. “Your mommy lives far away.” That was a simple enough explanation, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy his curiosity.

‘Why?’

Yep. I was right.

“Because her mommy and daddy live far away and she lives with them.” I wasn’t sure if this was still true but it was a good enough explanation for now.

‘Why doesn’t she live with us?’ There was no sadness in his face, just curiosity, so I figured I might as well explain everything to him. Well, not everything. Some details could wait until he was older and there were certain things that you just don’t talk about with your kid, but he had asked and I figured he deserved a decent explanation.

“Mommy and I met when she was in Ohio going to school.” I was about to go on when his little hands began to move again.

‘She went to school away from home like Uncle Finn?’

I smiled at him. He was always so full of questions and while it could be trying sometimes I loved that he was eager to learn everything about everything.

“Yes. Like Uncle Finn. But her school was a lot farther away from her home. And after you came out of her tummy she had to go home because she was finished with school, but I didn’t want you to leave so we decided you should stay with me and Grandma and Grandpa.” I looked him straight in the eye to make sure my next words really sunk in. “She loved you very much and she wanted you to have the best care possible. She knew that I would give that to you so even though it made her sad she let you stay with me.”

He nodded thoughtfully. I let out a shaky breath, glad that he didn’t seem upset.

‘How did I get in her tummy?’

Oh dear God. I was not ready this conversation.

“Um, well, when a man and a woman want to have a baby they plant a seed in the woman’s tummy so that a baby can grow inside until he’s ready to come out.” I vaguely remembered my own mother giving me this simplified explanation when I had asked the same question when I was six. I prayed to anyone who would listen that it would be enough for Jude right now.

‘Did you grow in Grandma’s tummy?’

Well at least he wasn’t asking for me details about his conception.

“No, my mommy died when I was a little bit older than you. When I was older Grandpa met Grandma and they decided they loved each other and wanted to get married and she became like a new mommy to me. I still love my mommy very much but I love Grandma very much, too.” Please be done with the questions, please.

‘Will I get a new mommy some day when you get married?’

Dammit.

Now this was a subject that I was even more wary to approach with my four year old child. This had to be done delicately. I took my time to gather my thoughts.

“You know how Aunt Brittany and Aunt Santana like to hold hands and kiss each other?” To be truthful, after the two had officially come out as a couple our senior year, Santana was at first cautious about showing affection to Brit in front of Jude. I appreciated her attempt at discretion but told her as long as it was kept at a PG level, “Well, duh, Porcelain. We’s not gonna get it on in front of him,” I didn’t want her to pretend to be someone she wasn’t. I wanted him to know that there was nothing wrong with loving whoever you loved.

Jude nodded, so I continued.

“Well, Daddy likes to hold hands with boys so if I were to get married someday it would be to a boy instead of a girl, so you wouldn’t get a new mommy but you might get another daddy, but only if it was okay with you.”

He seemed to think about this for a moment before nodding. He turned his attention back to his ducks and I gave a small sigh of relief that the inquisition seemed to be over for the moment. I was pretty sure studying was a lost cause now, but at least the conversation had gone fairly smoothly.

I let Jude play for a few more minutes before announcing it was time for him to get out of the tub. We finished the rest of his bedtime routine and I got him settled under his Spiderman sheets with the promise of a story and a song.

He had just fallen asleep when I heard movement at our door. I looked up to see Dad watching us, smiling.

I put my fingers to my lips to signal him to be quiet as I made my way out of the room. Dad was watching me with a strange smile on his lips.

“Heard you having a conversation with my grandson in the bathroom,” he said simply.

“You know, you could have jumped in at any time there Dad. I was floundering.” I glared at him as he chuckled quietly.

“Nah, you did fine, Kurt. You’ve always been better with words than me.”

I chewed my lip thoughtfully. “Do you really think I said the right things? I mean, I knew that I’d have to answer questions like this one day, but I was still totally unprepared. I just hope I didn’t say anything wrong about his mother, or confuse him about me or—“

“Kurt!” Dad’s exclamation came out loud and I immediately turned back to the sleeping child ten feet from us. Nope, still out. That kid could sleep just as hard as Finn sometimes. I turned back to my father, my eyes narrowed in warning.

“Kurt,” he said softly, “you did fine. You did better than I could’ve in the same situation. I know sometimes it’s hard but it’s always best to be honest to your kid. Even if it might be hard for them to hear, it’s better than them finding out down the road they were lied to.”

“Yeah, I guess. I just don’t want to screw this up.” My voice was shaking and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

Dad just reached out and gripped my shoulder until I met his gaze. “You are a wonderful father, Kurt. Don’t you ever think otherwise. You will screw up sometimes, but that’s part of being a parent. Trust me, I know.”

“What are you talking about? You never screwed up with me.” I grinned up at him. “You’re SuperDad.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes it sure didn’t feel like it. You went through a lot of hell in school and I feel like I shoulda done more for you.” He exhaled loudly. “I mean, the only reason you even joined the damn football team was because you were afraid to tell me something I already knew.”

My grin stayed in place as I wrapped my arms around him. “Dad, you were great. I was just scared of admitting who I was to anyone, not just you.” I released him and stepped back, now waiting for him to meet my eyes. “And besides, if I hadn’t joined the football team, I wouldn’t have met Simone at that party and I wouldn’t have Jude.”

Seeing that my father, the best dad in the entire world, had doubts about his parenting skills made me feel a little bit better about my own. Maybe I wasn’t doing too bad a job after all.