December 2

3:07am

'Cough Syrup' by Young the Giant

He thought I was going to hurt myself.

Kill myself.

Kurt thought I was going to kill myself.

I ... I didn't even know what to do.

I didn't know what to say to him.

He looked so scared.

I wasn't going to... I swear, I wasn't.

I don't even know what happened.

I was scratching my wrists again. I could still feel the handcuffs and I just wanted them... off.

I could see what was happening, and I could see the blood but I couldn't stop scratching.

Back when I was... there... I thought about it. I thought about how much I hated what was happening to me and how much I hated them.

I hated myself for letting it happen and I hated that I was always going to be ruined.

I even tried it once.

They'd left me out of the cage for some reason. I can't remember why.

My hands were still tied and it hurt so much to move around but I crawled to a table and found the knife that they...used for other stuff ... and I cut the ropes off my hands.

Then I just held the knife in my hands for a long, long time.

I thought about how much easier it would be.

I wouldn't have to hear my dad yelling at me and calling me horrible names.

I wouldn't have to... do stuff with Sebastian if I didn't want to.

But most of all, I wouldn't have to see them.

Hear them.

Feel them.

I remember having to close my eyes.

I didn't want to watch myself do it.

It hurt... A lot.

When the pain started I remember opening my eyes and seeing the blood.

There wasn't a lot so I knew I hadn't done it right.

I remember thinking that I was such an idiot that I couldn't even do THAT properly...

I was just about to try again when the door flew open and he threw me into the wall. The knife went flying out of my hand and he started yelling at me about 'damaging his property'.

Property.

That's all I was.

Property.

I got punished that night. It was one of the worst times.

After he finished - I was really mad at myself for not doing it properly.

Fuck.

I can't be like this anymore.

I just want to feel like... it might eventually be okay again. Right now I'm not so sure.

Kurt said he's going to help me cut my hair.

It still amazes me that he always seems to know what I need, even though I'm never able to tell him.

I just need to see... 'me' in the mirror again.

The guy in there right now scares the hell out of me.

Kurt said he had to go find a few things before we could get started.

I hope he'll come back soon.

Maybe I'll listen to another song from the CD he made me while I wait...