The rumours of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated. I used to be anonymous, invisible to both sexes. If Google Earth were a guy, he couldn't find me if I was wearing my especially made silver-sequinned Lady Gaga costume.

Pretty cutting edge stuff, right? A high school boy feeling anonymous.

'Who am I? What does it all mean? Why am I here?'

Urgh. But don't worry. It isn't one of those tales. Although it sure started out that way. And then it changed pretty quickly when I started lying about some very personal things.

So, let the record show that I, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, being of a sound mind, above average penis size, swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... starting now.

And what better way to share my private thoughts then to publish them on the internet?

And so: Chapter 1:
‘The Shudder-Inducing and Clich�d, However Totally False Account of how I lost my Virginity to a guy at a Community College.’

Let me just being by saying that there are two sides to every story and this is my side.
The right one.


"George?" Rachel asked in disbelief. "George is not an acceptable name for you. George is the name of your teddy bear! It's not one you yell out in the middle of your climax!"

Kurt rolled his eyes and reached down to pick up one of his papers that had fallen from his books.

"And by that I assume you mean..." a deep voice spoke from above Kurt. He looked up and scrambled to get back to his feet. Mr. Shuester. Damn.

Kurt improvised, making something up about stables and the evolution of a plant community.

"Same," Mr. Shuester said after Kurt asked him what he was thinking of, with a serious look," but I don't say it out loud unless someone get the wrong idea. I think you know innuendo is attached to everything these days."

Rachel replied with a sarcastic comment, earning a light slap from Kurt. Mr. Shuester frowned at them.

"Rachel, Kurt, go hit the books. They don't hit back. Also, 'hugs not drugs,' 'mess with the bull, get the horns' and any other clich� you can think of," Mr. Shuester said before turning to leave.

"Bye, Mr. Shuester!" Kurt said with a small laugh before turning to Rachel. "Watch your mouth."

Mr. Shuester is my favourite teacher, although, after all the trouble I caused, I'm not sure if I'm still his favourite student.

"These are bad for you," Mr. Shue told Brett, a homeless looking stoner, while taking a small packet of weed out of his backpack."Leads to unwanted pregnancy, slashed tires on your vehicle which is non-existence."

And here is where the trouble began. The lie that started the whole thing.

They both turned and started to continue walking. "No, Rach, I can't. I'm sorry. I can't go to the camp with you. I have a date," Kurt lied trying to sound sincere. But really, there were as many gay kids in Lima as there were needles in a haystack. There might be one or two, but they were pretty much impossible to find. "I told you."

"Oh," Rachel scowled. "With who?"

"You don't know him," Kurt said with a shake of his head. He held onto the strap of his satchel and tried to look relaxed.

"And neither do you, you lying snob!" Rachel retorted loudly.

"Yes I do! He goes to college with one of the guys who work with my father at the shop!" Kurt lied once more. The only men that worked with his father Burt were well past their 40's.

Rachel has what you would call a strong personality. A couple of weeks ago she had invited me to go to a interpretative dance camp with her family and I'm not sure why I didn't want to go but a little bit was that I didn't really want to spend all weekend with her. But mostly because her parents are the weirdest people I have ever known. And Lady Gaga is my idol.

I had stayed over once at her house...never again. They gave me an 'organic' face mask that I am still 95% certain was just a mixture of grass and dog faeces.

So I lied and told her I couldn’t go because I had a date with a guy who goes to college with one of Dad's employee's, named "George."

"Let's face it, Kurt, there is no such thing as a handsome 'George'," Rachel argued.

Kurt was getting frustrated.

"Well mine is." Not... well he would be if he existed. "So, I think we should just put this behind us." They froze outside the cafeteria and Kurt looked over at his friend, hoping that she would just drop the argument and forget about it.

"Fine. Don't come to the camp with us. Just know I hate you,whore," Rachel replied with an air of arrogance. Kurt nodded in acceptance, biting his lip to hide from smiling. "Now let's go get your sparkling water."

"Do you want one?"

"No."

And here's how I really spent my weekend:

Friday Afternoon: Kurt reluctantly took the envelope from Rachel before she said goodbye at the end of the day. He didn't know how she managed to find and buy the damn thing during her study period but then again, he really didn't care.

He took the brightly coloured card from the enveloped and scowled.

"Congratulations on your graduation!" Well, it would have said that, if Rachel had not taken a permanent marker to the card and replaced 'your graduation!' with 'THE SEX!!!!!!!' Kurt bit back a laugh and opened the card to have a condom fall from it and the song 'I Gotta Feelin' by the Black Eyed Peas blasting from the small speakers hidden in the centre of the card. He grimaced at the song and almost didn't catch the extra writing Rachel had added:

"You deserve it," paired next to a giant winking face.

Kurt made a face and dropped the card on his bed.

"Worse song ever."

Saturday Morning:
Kurt woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed. Well not really, he woke up with cotton mouth, messy hair and morning wood like 99% of pubescent boys. He slowly trudged to the bathroom to take care of his 'problem' and then proceeded to actually wash his hair with the vast amount of products he had in his bathroom. Okay and so he brought Rachel's stupid 'congrats on the sex' card. 'I Gotta Feelin' isn't the most possible song in the world after all.

"Ugh! This song is terrible!” Kurt said to himself, despite his actions contradicting him. But after a few minutes of trying to ignore the stupid card, he opened the door to the shower, reached over and flicked the card open, letting the song blast out through his bathroom. He tried to hold back, but he just couldn't help himself.

"I GOTTA FEELIN THAT TONIGHT’S GONNA BE A GOOD, GOOD NIIIGHTT!" Kurt screamed into his shampoo bottle, having a habit of singing extremely loudly in his shower. Let's just say Burt was forever grateful that his son had his own bathroom.

Saturday Night:
Kurt trudged around his bedroom trying to find something to entertain himself with. He groaned in annoyance. If it was any other weekend he could occupy himself with going shopping or re-decorating his room but he had already blown his money budget for this week and had already moved most of his furniture around his room to try and make some more room to no avail.

Opening up his large walk-in wardrobe, he stood silently before it, considering his options. He quickly decided that this was probably his only option unless he wanted to spend another hour figuring out what he could do in this shithole of a town. With a grand sigh, but a determined mindset, Kurt went to re-organising his wardrobe.

Once again, his eyes kept flicking over to Rachel's card that was now lying on his desk. Giving in to himself, he walked over to the card and opened it. Hating himself, he walked back over to continue his wardobe clean up, bobbing along to the song.

Sunday Morning:
Kurt, finding himself increasingly bored the following Sunday morning, entertained himself for many, many minutes opening and closing Rachel’s card and trying to beat the sound.
“I gotta- I gotta- I gotta feelin- I gotta.”

Sunday Night:
“I GOTTA FEELING! WOOHOO” Kurt sang loudly in his room, belting out the long notes. He was currently in one of the only pair of sweatpants he owned and an old daggy t-shirt and singing and dancing around his room like his life depended on it. “THAT TONIGHT’S GONNA BE A GOOOD NIGHT!”

Kurt opened his mouth, reading to use his lungs for the next line when the card suddenly cut out. He stopped and looked blankly at the card.

“Looks like tonight isn’t going to be a good night then.”

But on Monday when Rach asked me how my weekend was...

“He was charming,” Kurt told her, trying to sound sincere and truthful. “He was a real gentleman. We had a really good night.”

“Wait, wait,” Rachel stopped him before he could go any further. “Are you going to see him again?”

Kurt pretended to think about it. “No, probably not. You know, just one of those weekends.”

“Wait, all weekend?”

“Yeah,” Kurt replied, sounding bored.

“You didn’t actually use, you know, what I put in the card?” Rachel asked seriously, moving her hands to a crude hand gesture.

“What? No!” Kurt replied. “Of course not!” He blushed at Rachel even suggesting the idea to him.

“You liar! You totally lost your ‘V’ card to him!” Rachel exclaimed, pulling Kurt closer to her, a large, toothy grin on her face.

“What? No, I didn’t!” the male protested. Am I walking with a limp, Rachel? No.

“Yes, you did!” Rachel replied quickly, not believing him for a second. “Tell me everything!”

Kurt was slowly shaking his head in disbelief.

“Rach, you know I’m not that kind of boy.”

“Oh really? The kind that does it or the kind that does it and doesn’t have the balls to tell her best friend?”

“What?” Kurt said in shock. Rachel couldn’t seriously believe that he had sex, surely! She knew that sex wasn’t that something that Kurt would just give away to a guy he barely even knew! Well, ‘George’ didn’t exist in the first place, but still!

“I want every detail!” Rachel announced, grabbing Kurt’s arm and pulling him into the girl’s bathroom.

“What?”

“Every detail! Tell me, you bitch!” Rachel insisted.

“You’re not really convincing me to tell you anything, Rachel,” Kurt said, annoyance lacing his tone. Rachel hit him over the back on his head.

“Tell me!”

“FINE!” Kurt shouted in anger. I can’t believe I’m doing this. “We did it.” Well that was totally convincing.

Rachel let out a shout of excited, clapping her hands together like he’d just won a shitload of money.

“Yes! Finally!” Rachel exclaimed, pulling Kurt in for a tight hug. “What’d you let him do?”

Oh god. Sometimes Kurt really despised Rachel.

This was one of those times.

“It was normal,” Kurt tried to say in a relaxed and honest manner. “Nothing, you know, freaky.”

I don’t know why I did it. I guess maybe it was because it was the first time I felt superior to Rachel. But I just kept piling on lie after lie. It was like setting up Jenga.

“He had laid candles. You know, those kind of scented ones, but they were sexy, you know. They really lit up the room nicely. George was sweet. He was very romantic.”

Then, a toilet flushed and out came a pretty blonde girl in Kurt and Rachel’s year. Quinn. Well this was fantastic.

Both Kurt and Rachel turned to her as Quinn eyed them back, washing her hands with a look of disgust upon her face.

“What are you looking at, Quinn?” Rachel asked with a snobby tone.

“Just a couple of admitted whores,” she replied quickly, flicking water towards them, before leaving the bathroom.

Quinn Fabray is the leader of the Cheerio’s, the Student Council, Chairman of the Orange Blossom Dance Committee and President of the Celibacy Club, a club dedicated to shoving their beliefs down people’s throats. Last year’s major project for her was the changing of the school’s mascot.

Last Year:
“Give it up for your very own Red Devil!” Principle Sue yelled out through her ever-present megaphone.

Charging through a large banner came a loud, energetic teenager covered in red paint and wearing a pair of red shorts, his ‘outfit’ completed with his own red cape. His loose dark curls bobbing around with him as he jumped up and down, waving around a plastic red trident.

He let out a loud, tribal sounding noise which got the crowd roaring. He took a basketball from the side of the court, took a fast run-up on a ramp and did an awesome looking flip, slamming the ball through the basket. The crowd went wild.

Quinn was the leader of the fight to change mascots.
“How can we possibly exhibit school pride when we are seen by others as ‘Satan Worshippers’?”

Now, thankfully, we are the much less intimating...

“Give it up for the ‘Cheerios!’” Principle Sue announced, looking slightly less proud of her school and far less happy at announcing the new school mascot.

Once again, an energetic boy raced through a banner, however, this time, instead of being covered in paint, he was in a large, no doubt sweltering, donut-shaped costume and pushing a large wheelbarrow that seemed to be filled of breakfast cereal.

“The Cheerios!” Blaine yelled out, his head in the middle of the donut-shaped costume, although to a far less enthused crowd. He then proceeded to grab a handful of Cheerio's and pretend to munch on them with loud, over-exaggerated sounds. He received little applause.

Rachel and Kurt looked on with a bored look at Blaine who continued to shout out more things out about Cheerio's paired with gnawing sounds.

“I think I liked Blaine better when he was topless,” Rachel admitted, her eyes following the boy’s crazy movements up and down the court.

“Yeah, but even dressed as a breakfast cereal I’d still fantasize about him,” Kurt replied honestly watching as Cheerio Blaine took a basketball and attempted to run up the ramp and shoot a slam-dunk. However, in light of his new costume, he couldn’t get enough air to make it to the hoop and face-planted the ground.

Kurt held back a laugh.


However now, Quinn had a new project.

Me.