Chapter 8: Hold On Me

I can't sleep, now you've departed
I can't eat, now that you've started
And all the time you spend in my head
I feel sick; I feel sick again
I close my eyes, and you are all I see
Your eyes staring back at me
And I shake to wake myself again
Shake off your hold, your hold on me

-Hold On Me by Any Color Black

Kurt did not sleep well that night, not well at all. He lay in his double bed in the basement, trying to do everything possible to ease his mind and allow himself to sleep. He wanted to play piano and get some in some progress on a composition he had been working on, but he knew that would wake up his father and Carole, and that would definitely make them mad.

He rolled over and pulled the pillow over his head, trying to shut out the glaring light of the moon coming in through the window on his door. He wondered if he could get away with going out to the lake at this hour of night. But once again, the answer was probably better safe than sorry. It would definitely be a miracle if the sound of his bike kick starting didn't startle Burt out of his peaceful respite.

So instead, Kurt was forced to simply stay in his bed, his thoughts running out of control, with no way to stop them. The most frustrating part wasn't even the lack of sleep; it was thereasonfor the lack of sleep. Stupid, stupid Blaine. When Kurt finally did doze off, he was awoken by his alarm clock in what felt like a mere thirty minutes. He had actually been sleeping a couple hours, but it hadn't done him much good. Even his sleeping thoughts were filled with fantasies of handsome boys with dark curls and olive skin. In his dream he was lying back on the white, crystal sands of a beach on a Greek island. He would be staring off into the green-blue swell of ocean when suddenly the boys- because there must've been hundreds of them- would emerge from the water and start walking towards him. Water glistened on the skin of each mirage, every one a perfect, beautiful copy of Blaine himself. The fantasy would end as Kurt reached out to touch one of the boys. Each boy he reached for would disintegrate immediately upon contact until there was nobody left. Kurt woke up sweating each time only to fall back asleep and have a similar version of the fantasy/nightmare repeat itself. When his alarm woke him, he had a stiff tent in his pajama pants and no time to relieve himself of it.

He also looked like death walking.

"Dad, I think I'm too sick for school today," Kurt moaned at the breakfast table as Finn eagerly ate the eggs and bacon that Carole had placed in front of him. Kurt's own small bowl of granola mixed with yogurt tasted like sawdust in his mouth.

"I remember the last time I heard that," Burt said, wolfing down his own plate of eggs and bacon, then reaching for the hash browns. "I believe it was when you were trying to avoid the bullies at school. Still wanna stick with your same story from last night about attacking that other guy?"

Kurt nodded vigorously. "Yeah I wanna stick to that story because it's not astory.Ibeat that kid up.No oneis bullying me at McKinley. Finn?" he prompted his stepbrother.

"It's true Burt," Finn said with a friendly smile at Kurt, pleased by this sudden camaraderie that his stepbrother was showing him.

"Alright," Burt said, putting down his fork. "In that case, I don't see why you can't go to school."

"I told you Dad. I'm sick." Kurt coughed half-heartedly.

"Baloney!" Burt said dismissively. Carole furrowed her brow and looked at Kurt questioningly. "Are you sure Burt? Kurt does look awfully pale." She placed the back of her cool hand on Kurt's forehead and he had to resist closing his eyes and pretending like it was his own mother, alive again, doing that to him as a little boy. So comforting, a mother's touch. He had forgotten...

"He does feel a little warm," she said.

Burt looked up, concerned. "You sick?"

Kurt nodded. "Itoldyou."

"Well, Carole's a nurse. If she says you're not well, I guess you're not well."

"He certainly doesn't look well. How did you sleep last night Honey?"

"Terrible. It was so hot..." Kurt trailed off, trying to appear as miserable and weak as he could to appeal to the sympathies of his stepmother.

"Oh the poor dear. Of course you can stay home today," Carole decided, shooting Burt a look, who put up his hands in defense.

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry for not believing you Kid. You need anything?"

"No, I think I'll be alright if I just sleep."

"Yes Dear. You go on downstairs and sleep. I'll call the school to let them know you won't be in today."

"Thanks," Kurt told Carole appreciatively with a faint smile for his father. He trudged back downstairs and, once he was out of sight, threw off the clothes he had quickly assembled for school. Thank God he had convinced them to let him stay home. Not only did he not feel like facing Blaine, but that outfit he had thrown together in a sleep-deprived haze this morning looked absolutely hideous. He crawled under the covers, praying for no more thoughts of curly-haired boys on beaches, and fell asleep.

x-x-x-x-x-x

Blaine kept his eyes peeled for Kurt all day but did not see him. Of course, it wouldn't be the first time. It was entirely possible Kurt was avoiding him. Why did he care so much anyway?

Because I want to be his friend, he reassured himself. And why not? He had always been a nice kid, friendly, willing to hang out with almost anybody. Far from the way his mother had tried to make him when she raised him. Altogether too open-minded for her liking. But it's who he was. Him wanting to hang around Kurt was no different.

But it certainly felt different. And it was odd, admittedly, that he should get so down about the boy being absent from the hallways. He hadn't even known him a week. He wasn't even sure that he could say they were really friends. He honestly never knew where he stood with Kurt. It was hot and cold every time he saw him.

Quinn found him in the hallways, smiling as she leaned over to kiss his cheek. She started to slide her hands down his back, trying to deepen the display of affection but Blaine was stiff in response.

"What's wrong?" she pouted.

"I don't want to get in trouble again with Sue for PDA. I get any more black marks on my record and I'm going to be in serious hot water with my parents."

"With your mom, you mean. You know Blaine, normally I would find a teenage boy pandering to his washed-up, middle-aged, society-whore mother's every beck and call a little bit disgusting. But it's nice to know that at leastonewoman has some influence in your life. So at least it's not my gender."

"God Quinn. You can't just say shit like that, you know?" Blaine snapped, but it was all true and he knew it.

"Sorry Baby, just stating the facts," Quinn said with a malicious little smile before leaning into his ear to whisper, "You never did tell me if you were coming over tonight."

Blaine groaned internally. He had forgotten. Quinn wanted to have sex tonight. He was supposed to tell her if he could stay over.

"Quinn, I'm really sorry, but I- I've got a big test tomorrow and my parents are on my case and I really just don't think I can make it," he fumbled.

Quinn narrowed her eyes at him, able to spot a dying attempt like a shark sniffing blood on its prey. She attacked.

"Alright Blaine, that's fine. I guess this step in our relationship just doesn't matter to you. Which means this relationship must not matter to you either. And if that's the case then your status at this school must not matter, nor your parents' happiness, nor your future. But if you want to throw that all away because you have atest, which by the way, I know you don't, then by all means, go right ahead. Don't let me get in the way of your pathetic life anymore!" She turned to go after delivering her little speech but Blaine caught her by the wrist.

"Baby, I'm sorry. I don't-"

"And I hope you know Blaine," she whirled, apparently not finished with her rant. "That I am notnicewhen I am dumped. In fact, I am cruel. I am crueler than anything you've ever seen before. So if you break up with me, prepare for your name to be attached to every negative rumor under the sun which I will make sure to spread all around this school so fast that you won't even have the time to put that stupid gel in your hair before people are pounding down the door of your house. Becausenobodybreaks up with Quinn Fabray without regretting it. And trust me when I say that everything I say about you, will go viral. And your reputation will be destroyed, not just here but for miles. There won't be a school in the state of Ohio that you can attend without them knowing who you are before you even have the chance to set foot in the door."

"Quinn, listen to me! I'll come over, alright? I'm sorry." Blaine finally managed to say. Quinn looked at him, her cheeks flushed from her yelling, a look of surprise on her face.

"Wonderful," she breathed. She reached up for his face and kissed him full on the mouth and this time, he was too afraid to pull away. "I'll see you at 7:30 tonight."

x-x-x-x-x-x

Kurt's phone had died sometime while he was sleeping and he hadn't bothered charging it. When he finally rolled over and squinted at the clock on his wall, it told him he had slept almost the entire school day. He pulled the pillow back over his head and shut his eyes. He should've done something productive but he honestly hadn't even felt like moving. He felt well-rested now, but was dreading the next day. Staying home from school had only managed to push his problems off further, rather than alleviate anything.

He forced himself out of bed and into the shower. At least he could try and make some sort of use of his afternoon.

When he got out of the shower, he threw on the discarded clothes from that morning. No need to dirty another outfit uselessly. He spent a very brief amount of time styling his hair, compared to the 45 minutes it often took on a daily basis. The result was a messy, carefree look that made him look a little bit more wild than normal, and rather sexy, if he did say so himself. He smiled at his reflection in the mirror, noting with pleasure that his complexion had somewhat returned to its usual brilliance.

He was sitting at his kitchen table, drinking an afternoon cup of coffee and eating a banana when his now-charging phone began to buzz. He noticed he had several missed texts.

There was a text from Puck:

Thursday, 11:32 AM

Party 2moro night at a buddy's house. Lots of good booze + weed. U in?

And one from Finn:

Thursday 1:17 PM

Hey dude. Sorry about last nite. Didn't mean to spill in front of the parents. Hope ur feeling better. We all good? Let me no if u need anything.

Kurt sighed. His friends' texting grammar was nothing short of atrocious. He continued reading. The next one was from Santana:

Thursday 2:06 PM

Hummel- thought you should know that Finn let the beans spill to his dwarf girlfriend that you sing and compose in your room. All of Glee club is conspiring to get you to join and Schue said he's tracking you down. You have been warned. Also, party tomorrow. Be there.

And then, Blaine:

Thursday 2:37 PM

Figgins was wondering where you were when I handed in our community service proposal. He likes the idea though. I told him I'd make sure to fill you in on the details.

Thursday 2:58 PM

Finn said you were sick. You seemed fine last night...

Thursday 3:10 PM

I grabbed your English homework too. Football practice got cancelled for the afternoon so I'm coming over to drop it off now...Last chance to back out.

Thursday 3:15 PM

Alright seriously though, I'm coming over. Be there in 15.

Kurt groaned and glanced at the phone clock. It was 3:27 now. He definitely wasn't getting out of it. But at least he had showered and looked semi-presentable. And maybe it would be better, to have this confrontation with Blaine in privacy. Kurt didn't want to cause some big scene at school. This way, they could talk it out, he could explain to Blaine that he needed to back off, and they could go on barely speaking to each other except when entirely necessary, until they graduated.

Somehow he knew it definitely wasn't going to be that simple but being optimistic never hurt anyone did it.

The doorbell rang. Kurt squared his shoulders. Time to face the music.

x-x-x-x-x-x

Blaine was sitting on Quinn's bed sipping white wine from a crystal glass and wishing he could sink into the carpet and disappear. Anything, anything to get him out of this situation. He finished his glass and went to pour himself another. At least he could try and make sure he was drunk for the encounter.

Blaine sighed heavily. Quinn had been in the bathroom for almost twenty minutes, he was sure of it. He checked his phone and then restlessly tossed it away from him. He was pissed at himself for acting this way. He should be excited. Wasn't this what every guy dreamed of? The day they lost their virginity? And he got to do it with Quinn. It was finally happening.Get excited Blaine. This is it.

He couldn't for the life of him understand why he was so lethargic about the whole situation. He hadn't always been so immune to the charms of sex. Hestillwasn't immune to it. Fuck, he was a seventeen-year-old boy. He got hornier every day. He just wasn't that thrilled about doing it with Quinn.

It was probably because she reminded him so much of his mom. Or maybe he wasn't excited about it because he knew underneath it all how much it would actually thrill his mom, his doing the deed with Quinn. Like another way of solidifying their relationship. She'd honestly be proud of him. And her being proud of him always made him feel like throwing up a little bit.

But if he could just focus on Quinn's body, her hotness, he'd be fine. Of course it didn't help that shelookedlike his mother a little bit too. Goddamnit. If he didn't do this now, he'd lose all his nerve.

"Quinn!" he called uncertainly.

"In a minute Baby!" Quinn called back and Blaine dragged a hand through his hair with exasperation. He closed his eyes and couldn't help his mind wandering back to earlier today, at Kurt's house.

He hadn't been sure that anyone was going to answer the door since Kurt hadn't responded to any of his texts. But something about it made him eager to try anyway; something about Kurt in general made him go to far extra lengths to get the boy's attention than he had ever remembered doing for Quinn- or anyone really for that matter.

Kurthadanswered the door, looking absolutely breathtaking in faded, ripped jeans that were worn and tight inallthe right places. His hair was perfectly mussed, much different than Kurt's usual style of elegant perfection, but Blaine had to say, he liked this new look.

He must've stared too long because Kurt began to shift uncomfortably. He handed Kurt his English assignment without waiting to be invited in. Kurt had closed the door and sat down on the couch, gesturing for Blaine to take a seat as well. And then he had told him that their friendship was over.

I honestly don't know what's going on here but I'm just going to stop it before it goes to a place that we both are going to regret. I know you Blaine.

You don't,Blaine had insisted. But Kurt said he did. And he had then rattled off a description of Blaine so perfectly in tune with the boy's life that it almost scared him. Kurt had just shrugged sadly, as if he'd known this would be Blaine's reaction.

I'm not what you need Blaine. What you need is your girlfriend, not to get mixed up with some faggot your senior year.

I thought we could be friends,Blaine had responded lamely, for lack of any better reasoning.

Not everyone should be friends. I think the two of us fall into that category. Come on Blaine. Why complicate your life? I know I don't want to complicate mine. I'm getting out of here next year. And I'm not leaving anyone behind. Look, let's just agree to be civil and finish the project, but nothing more. No unnecessary talking or conversing at school or in class. Unless it's project related, we don't know each other. Okay? It's for the best.

Blaine had left Kurt's house feeling the worst he had all month, and that was saying something. He had no idea why, but he felt like he had lost something precious and irreplaceable.

But he had always sort of been like that- feet first into things before his body had time to follow. His infatuation with Kurt had been a desperate search for meaning and rebellion in the fury and monotony of his daily life. It pissed off Quinn, and his mom, and made him feel like he was part of something. That's all this was. Easily explainable. But it still stung to the core.

Quinn walked out of the bathroom then, giggling as she climbed up on the bed with Blaine in a pink, see-through negligee. She was a vision, even Blaine was smart enough to put that together.

"Somebody sure was impatient waiting out here," she said taking the wine bottle from Blaine. "Oh my God, you've almost polished off the whole bottle. Blaine!" she chastised, flicking his nose playfully.

"Lucky for you, I've got a private stash." She went to her closet and extracted a handle of Jack Daniels from beneath something. She held it up triumphantly, a gleam in her eyes.

Blaine's eyes widened at the sight of the hard liquor. "Where'd you get that?"

"A secret somebody," she said with a wink. "Uh uh. You don't need anything else right now," she told Blaine when he reached for the bottle.

"No fair. You didn't tell me you had liquor in the closet."

"That's because I didn't think we'dneedit." Blaine watched in amazement as his girlfriend downed three quick shots from the handle.

"That should be enough for now," she said, placing the bottle and shot glass on her nightstand. She took Blaine's empty glass from him and placed it on the nightstand as well. Then, very deliberately, she took Blaine's hands in her smaller ones and climbed on top of his reclining figure so that she was perfectly straddling him, one smooth thigh pinning each side of his body to the bed.

"Let me make you feel good, Blaine," she whispered to him, leaning down to kiss him wetly. Blaine closed his eyes and tried to focus on kissing her but it made him feel dizzy to close his eyes. The whole room was spinning a little bit. He couldn't stop her though. He continued to kiss her with his eyes open, trying to regain control of his swirling senses.

By now she had reached for the hem of his shirt and was tugging it with some difficulty over his head. She ran his fingers all over his chest greedily and kissed him until she reached the waist band of his jeans.

She then sat up and untied her negligee so that all that remained covering her was a lacy pair of panties and a bra. Blaine tried to smile appreciatively, but he felt too dizzy to move. Quinn nodded, thinking his inability to speak was due to his being awestruck by her body.

She reached down and grabbed his crotch, squeezing him eagerly, digging into him with the palm of her hand, her blonde hair falling in a curtain in front of her, some landing in his mouth.

"Come on Baby. Make love to me," she cooed. Blaine felt sick. She kept trying, desperately, to get him hard, but her efforts were only making it worse. He closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath of the cool air.

"Relax," he told her. He somehow managed to flip them over so that she was underneath him. He kissed her once, his eyes still open, unbeknownst to her, and then reached down to remove his jeans.

Nothing in Blaine's body was excited about what was happening but Quinn was undulating underneath him, moaning softly although he was barely touching her, and he knew if he stopped this now there would be hell to pay for it. He got his jeans all the way off and slid his boxers down so they were around his ankles.

His flaccid cock was now exposed and Blaine wanted nothing more than to pull his pants back on and flee the scene. Quinn smiled at him reassuringly, seeming to notice his hesitance, and reached forward, grabbing him roughly and starting to stroke him. Blaine let her go at it for a few minutes before finally pulling out of her grasp, as he remained un-aroused.

"Here, let me," he muttered and turned away slightly, spitting on his hand and then pumping his dick, slowly at first, then more vigorously, his eyes closed and head tilted toward the ceiling.

He opened his eyes a couple minutes in to see Quinn watching him, an unreadable expression on her face. He couldn't tell if she was angry or not.

"Do you still want-"

"Stop being such a pussy and give it to me," she commanded him, pulling her panties off in one swift motion.

Blaine swallowed, trying to calm his spinning head and willing his erection to stay hard. He reached for the bedside table, fumbling with the condom she had provided. Quinn snatched it from him in exasperation, unrolling it over his length in a practiced manner and then removing her hands, signaling him with her eyes. He bent over Quinn, guiding himself into her, stopping as she winced until he heard her snap to go all the way. He continued pushing tentatively until he was buried inside her.

"Are you going to move?"

Blaine hadn't realized how long he had just been sitting there, positioned over her. His arms were starting to ache. He still felt sick. He pulled back slowly and then pushed back in. One thrust. He forced his body to do it again. Two thrusts. He was counting the seconds in his head. Three thrusts. His head was still swimming. Blaine shut his eyes, trying to concentrate harder, but it only made everything worse. Four thrusts. How much longer did he have to keep going? Because he wasn't sure he was going to be...able to...stay...hard...

He pulled out of Quinn dejectedly and rolled over onto his back, his limp cock staring him in the face mockingly.

"What the fuck Blaine?" Quinn asked, propping herself up on her elbows.

"I'm sorry, I just, don't feel...very well..."Blaine sat up and suddenly made a beeline for the bathroom. He reached it seconds before dumping the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

x-x-x-x-x-x

Kurt had tiptoed outside, staining his bare feet on the wet grass. It wasn't too cold out here for a night in late September, but it still definitely wasn't somewhere he would choose to be. But that pathetic, whining piece of ass had begged him to walk him to his car, saying he didn't feel safe walking alone and it was Kurt's fault he had to walk so far anyway, Kurt being the one to make him park a few houses down as a safety precaution.

"You didn't want my dad to find out did you? Or someone waking up when they heard you start up you car at 2 AM?" Kurt had pointed out. But nevertheless, the least he could do, he supposed, was walk the sniveling bastard to his car. He wasn't even really sure why he had asked him to come over tonight. He usually never brought guys to the house when anybody was home, much less in the middle of a school night. But he had been lonely and pissed off tonight and he had needed to get out his anger some way.

Now Kurt had turned and was tiptoeing through the grass back around to his basement door, cursing as he went.

He almost didn't hear the soft roll of wheels on the sidewalk coming up behind him, or the sharp sound of someone scuffing their foot against the pavement or the hiss of his name, whistling through the nighttime air.

Almost.

He whirled around as soon as Blaine uttered his name, shocked to find the boy standing on the grass in the darkness, a couple yards away from him, looking slightly disheveled but handsome as ever.

"Blaine what are you doing here?"

"Who was that?" Blaine indicated toward the car that had pulled away a couple minutes ago.

Kurt sighed. "My friend. Not that it's any of your business."

"Your friend that you sleep with?" Blaine asked forwardly.

"Yeah fine," Kurt gave in. "My friend that I sleep with. Blaine listen, it's chilly out here and after what we discussed earlier, this is definitely not appropriate."

"Do you mess around with all of your friends?" Blaine asked walking toward Kurt with some determination. Kurt started walking backwards. There was a quiet confidence in Blaine's voice that Kurt wasn't used to hearing. He wondered if the boy was drunk.

"No, Blaine, I do not mess around with all my friends."

Blaine sighed. "Only the good-looking ones?"

"Blaine, stop it. Are you drunk?"

"Does it matter?"

"Uhm kind of," Kurt said nervously as Blaine continued advancing.

Blaine said nothing only continued walking until Kurt felt his back pressing into the rough shingling on the side of his house.

"Blaine, you should be at home."

"I don't understand Kurt."

"What?"

"I don't understand why you don't like me."

"I like you fine," Kurt protested, putting his hands on Blaine's shoulders unthinkingly.

"Do you?" Blaine's voice was rough.

"Yes," Kurt whispered.

"Prove it." Blaine's forehead was leaning against Kurt's, his curls soft against Kurt's skin. Kurt couldn't look away from his magnetic eyes, which were latched unwaveringly on Kurt's. He could smell Blaine's breath; he had definitely been drinking but for some reason, it didn't register clearly in Kurt's head. He felt Blaine's hand cupping the side of his face and then, in a moment, Blaine was kissing him.