022 - Cartoons

The clouds are heavy that day; there is no rain but the sky is dark grey to the point that it looks like early evening even now, at 2pm. Blaine thinks it's pretty fitting to his current mood. It's Thursday and Kurt had called him yesterday evening to tell he has a new idea for a photo shoot, and if Blaine would be ok if he brought a friend with him when they meet. Kurt had sounded happy and excited, and Blaine couldn't help but feel happier too, and more hopeful. Then today they had met in one of the campus cafeterias for lunch with Kurt and his friend. A friend who was not Rachel like he had thought, but a foreign girl Blaine has never seen before, and it seemed Kurt hadn't met him that long ago either.

Kurt had explained his idea of working with the exotic language dream, which had felt like an ultimate challenge before. Blaine too had wanted to do it, but he hadn't gotten a good idea for it yet. Then Kurt brings this beautiful, nice, kind girl who seems like she's made to be Kurt's friend and soulmate and tells him she has agreed to help them with the project. She can even be in the photo if necessary. Blaine thinks how long it took him to get to the point with Kurt where he could even get him to speak to him, let alone be friends and have Kurt smile like that. And now this Aino girl had come from out of nowhere, and made Kurt to like her and trust her in less than an hour, apparently.

It's not like he is jealous of Kurt. How could he be, he didn't have anything going on with Kurt and even if he had, she is a girl, for goodness' sake. Maybe it's jealousy for his friendship, his inner Zach suggests, but he doesn't believe that either. It's not like Kurt can't have more than one friend, and having Aino as his friend does not take out the possibility of him being Blaine's friend. Even if Blaine was the only friend Kurt had made in college this far. But that's crazy, of course Blaine wants Kurt to have friends, he wants Kurt to be happy! How could he resent Kurt making new friends?

He supposes Aino is a really nice girl. There was really nothing wrong with her, besides the fact that Blaine didn't like that she was there, disturbing the peace and routine of Blaine and Kurt planning their photo shoots. Yeah, Blaine had brought Zach in to help with the project once, too, but that's different right? He doesn't know how, but there must be something. So ok, it must be just that Blaine dislikes their routine being changed. Because obviously he is not jealous.

He thinks of him and Kurt being so much more distant and less friendly now after the last photo shoot, of him backing out a lot and of Kurt being more reserved and distant again. It all comes to him, but he refuses to think about it too much. It's too unpleasant and too scary. He is afraid that he is just a necessity to Kurt now, a means to an end, someone who helps him realise all these dreams he has - and isn't that what this really was all the time. And even if it looked like Kurt was leaning on Blaine, needing his help and being thankful for it, it looks like Kurt is moving on with Aino, and it's so scary how good she could be for Kurt. How much better friend she could be for Kurt than Blaine could. And Blaine has hoped that they could somehow get over this weird cold air between the two of them and get back to somehow being friends, but now Aino is there and her presence makes it impossible for them to do anything about it. He feels so desperately unnecessary, like there is no need for him at all. As always.

Kurt seems to be using Aino as a shield against the strangeness between Blaine and him. Aino is a shield of niceness, friendliness and calm. Blaine thinks it's such a bad timing that she got there, just when there was this problem to solve with Kurt. But he doesn't even know if this is a phase or if it's just how things are going to be from now on. But, the absolute worst thing is, that if he is completely honest with himself, whatever he feels personally about Aino's appearance, Aino coming on board for this photo shoot is actually a really good thing, and as much as he doesn't want to, Blaine's head is already swimming with ideas.

/

The next day Blaine has resolved that whatever is going on underneath the surface between them, he will do his very best for this photo shoot and all the future ones as well. It is still a project for a college course, one he really needs to pass with good grades, even though he hasn't really thought about this aspect of the project so much at all lately, because he has concentrated so much on Kurt and how this project can help him. And, he thinks, this project can help Kurt still, even if Blaine himself as a friend can't, so it's the least he can do. And he's going to do his very best.

He contacts his friend in the graphic arts department, specializing in cartooning, and asks her to do Blaine a favor. He had once helped with her class project and after that they had made a sort of deal with some of the students in both majors to help each other whenever either needed it. So Tina agrees to help, and if Blaine can get the place they need reserved for Sunday afternoon and evening, she will be there to help. It is an interesting challenge for her too, anyway. Blaine gets Kurt and Aino on board for Sunday and Aino sends him some photos of typical Finnish scenery that he then passes on to Tina. Next Blaine visits the attendant of one of the Maths and science buildings and gets the room they need reserved for them on Sunday. Normally the building is not open but for school projects they can usually arrange something, just like this time.

Sunday afternoon finds him and Tina in a mid-sized lecture hall with a high roof and a wall full of blackboards. The whole front of the room is covered with blackboards, from floor to the roof, which is exactly the reason they needed this place. Tina, the asian girl dressed in black and blue gothic outfit, gets to work fast, taking out his sketches and starting to draw on the blackboard with a white chalk. They chat while Blaine works with the camera settings, the tripod and flashes and Tina draws. Their chat is nice and Blaine thinks he really should feel more excited about this whole project. Maybe he could get a chance to talk with Kurt or something, though he has no idea what he would even say. Slowly but surely Tina draws a cartoonish, simplified but still elegant, drawing of a rural Finnish village's main street (or at least that's what Aino said it was), with some old wooden houses and a a small grocery store and a lot of trees, some pines and some leafless birch trees. The drawing is big enough to reach from the floor level all the way over their heads. It's really quite beautiful in it's simplicity.

When Kurt and Aino get to the place two hours later, the drawing is ready, showing what to Aino must be a homely scenery. Blaine can see that Aino's eyes get just a bit watery at the sight, and Blaine thinks it must be that she remembers home when she sees it. To Blaine it's a foreign sight, something exotic, but to this girl it is home. It's a little sad but also a beautiful thought. She seems excited though, as excited as a calm and calculating girl like her can be. She and Kurt find their positions in front of the background image and Tina draws them speech bubbles that seem to come from their mouths, wiping out the background image from those parts. Then Aino hands her the simple sentences she has prepared and Tina writes them in the bubbles, finally making the two standing in front of the drawing look like they really are in a cartoon strip.

Blaine looks at the writing curiously. Aino is standing sideways on the left, looking at Kurt, her bubble saying 'Moi, mitäs sä?' There is a longer sentence written in Kurt's bubble: 'Ihan jees. Luin tän aamun Hesarista, että tänään tulee lunta.'

"What do they say, exactly?" he asks Aino.

"It's just normal chatter. I'm saying 'Hi, how's it going?' and Kurt answers that he's fine and that he has read from the news paper that it's going snow today. I wrote it in the casual spoken language, because I thought that would be less from a school book and more from real life." Blaine smiles at this. It's seems perfect. There is no joke or anything, but it definitely fills the requirement of being fluent and being part of the culture. And the language definitely looks strange enough to be exotic.

If only he could stop feeling so bad about Kurt, stop the creeping jealousy (because really, it's there even if he denies it), fear and anxiety from getting over him. If only he could feel like he can do something about things, then this shoot would be really nice. Probably one of the best shoots this far. But he can't, and seeing Aino and Kurt acting so natural together, talking and even laughing, when Kurt used to only rarely laugh like that with him, while seeing Kurt seemingly avoiding communication with Blaine as much as possible, makes this all not so good at all. He thinks even Tina has probably picked up the strange atmosphere, as she tries to bring them together with some exaggerated enthusiasm over the photos Blaine is going to take. Aino and Kurt join her but Blaine sighs. He starts setting the camera, so that this can be over sooner. He feels so much not needed. Nothing is going to change today.

023 - Plan of attack

Kurt meets Aino on Sunday for a late lunch, before they need to be there for the photo shoot. Aino seems a bit nervous and a bit excited, and Kurt mostly just feels nervous. He is really happy that Aino is there - he is still not completely at ease with her, but how could he be, as they have only known for a few days. He hasn't even been completely at ease with Blaine yet, unless you count the strange quiet moment lying on the tatami in the Taekwondo dojang. But there lies the real problem. They haven't been nothing but uneasy after the last shoot, and Kurt just doesn't know what to expect of today. What he is going to do. He feels like he doesn't know if things are going to work or get even worse. Like no matter what he does now, he is going to end up with the short end of the stick.

Aino being there with them in their last meeting had made the atmosphere less obviously strained, but it had also made it impossible for them to even attempt to address the issue, so he doesn't know if it's more of a good or bad thing. But he can't help feeling happy that he doesn't have to face Blaine's coldness alone. It is painful enough like this.

When they walk towards the Maths building, Aino turns her head towards Kurt and says, thoughfully "I don't think Blaine likes me that much."

Kurt starts at this and then feels really bad for Aino. Unsure, too, because he doesn't think he could really explain the situation to her now. He doesn't even know what the explanation is. "No, I don't think he dislikes you. He's just.. I don't know? Busy, maybe" he suggests, shrugging awkwardly and cringing mentally, because he's pretty sure Aino saw right through that statement. She doesn't comment on it though. And, he thinks. this is exactly why Kurt feels he can be less guarded with Aino. She doesn't force him to say things he doesn't want to or know how to. She is content to let things be and the silence falls over them without it being uncomfortable. When they get to the lecture hall they're supposed to be, they see the wonderful drawing made by Blaine's friend and Aino loses herself into it for a while. Kurt, though, just notices Blaine, mostly.

Kurt knows he is the one who did wrong. He forced himself on Blaine and made him uncomfortable. But there is something that doesn't quite fit. Kurt notices something more is off with Blaine, in a different way than even just a few days ago. He doesn't know what has happened, but he notices Blaine looking at him with these strange eyes, the expression not showing coldness or distance but something else he can't quite read. But, he thinks, every now and then he can see glimpses of some strong feeling, of uncertainty and vulnerability even. It's not what Kurt thought he would see and it's really confusing. It also makes Kurt feel this strange pain inside, because Blaine seems to be so sad underneath all his joyful act. Today, more than ever before, Kurt can see it's exactly that, an act and not his real feelings. A mask of Blaineness, to hide something else.

Kurt remembers how he hasn't felt panicked after things got bad with Blaine, not the way he usually does when things like this happen. He hasn't hidden away to cry, even if he has been feeling guilty and blaming himself. He thinks maybe it is because from the beginning he has had this hunch that perhaps it is not all him this time, that there is something else there that Kurt doesn't know or understand. Kurt feels sadness but also some sort of weird hope at this realisation. Like if it's not actually all about him and him failing to be what he should be, but that there is something else there that he alone can't control, then maybe there is a chance they could work this out with Blaine after all. He doesn't want to talk to Blaine now, because they are not alone, and he cannot do anything about things at this moment. But later, later he might be able to. He just needs to not ruin things at this moment, so he stays away from Blaine, trying not to think about him too much. He jokes with Aino and tries to be normal, just to not make this situation harder than it is.

Then Blaine starts the whole photo shoot and he and Aino get into their poses and it's all clicks of the camera, flashes of light and looking at Aino's smiling face and smiling back for a while. Seeing her there, being forced to look at her in the eyes for so long, should be hard for him, but, surprisingly, is not at all as hard as it could have been some other day or with some other person. Even with Blaine it would probably be harder. He sees understanding in Aino's eyes, and the smile between them is real. All this while Kurt can sense the weird feeling between him and Blaine, but it's new now, not only because Blaine has changed but also because he himself has figured out something.

After the photos are taken Kurt talks with Aino a while, still smiling and it's so naturally casual that he can't help but feel good. But he knows what he has to do next, and it scares the hell out of him at the same time. He is determined, though. He is going to pull a stick, and he has decided which one. He still doesn't know which side of the stick it's going to be, but somehow he'll have to work with it anyway. He is not going to escape anymore, because this time it's not his weakness he would be escaping, but Blaine's. It's the pain he has seen in Blaine's eyes, just for a second, and a second is enough. Blaine is worth his courage even if he himself isn't.

So, he tells Aino, that she should go first and that they will certainly meet later, but that he has something to discuss with Blaine. She understands and without any questions turns to talk with Tina, who is glad to get to know the new girl and walks out with her, talking about art in general and the piece she had drawn on the chalk board. And just like that, they are alone again. Kurt turns to Blaine and smiles a little helplessly. He has no idea what he is going to say, but he figures he just has to jump and see what follows.

"Hey, Blaine. Can I talk to you for a second?" he asks with a small voice. He doesn't know if it's because he's scared or because Blaine might be scared.

"Yeah, sure, of course." Blaine smiles, the smile just a millisecond too late.

024 - Warm and cold

"Uhm.. what is it?" Blaine asks, even though he is pretty sure he knows exactly what it is. Kurt's face shows he is right. Blaine just wishes they wouldn't have to address this now. But, he guesses, there might not really be any other time he would be more ready for this, so it's just as well.

"Yeah, I just.. well.." Kurt shuts his eyes tight for a second and takes a deep breath, and some other time Blaine might have found it adorable. Well, he still kind of does, but it's not in the top of his mind right now, that Kurt is going to point out his weaknesses and he has to explain them. He has never handled well being a disappointment, or being less than perfect in people's eyes for that matter. Kurt visibly braves himself, and Blaine can almost hear the here goes nothing in his exhale.

"Yeah, so, I just feel things have been weird lately…" Kurt says, looking at his feet and shuffling a little. Blaine feels something ominously cold trickle on his neck, and it doesn't make sense how scared he is now, because he has been hoping that they could talk about this and solve whatever happened, but now it's just.. different. More difficult, like the problem has changed. And it probably has, because of Aino and because of what that made Blaine feel. Because, it's not just a simple unrequited crush anymore, it's more. It's pretty real jealousy (and what that says about Blaine's feelings) and it's the emergence of his old fears of not being important for people who are important for him.

"Yeah, I guess it has been." Blaine laughs once, awkwardly. Then the dam breaks and he starts rambling, trying to get something out without ruining everything. "Look, Kurt, it's just that in the bar, you touched me so suddenly, I didn't mean to jump like that, it was rude, I know and I didn't mean that.. I just, you know.. well, after that I just was so afraid that you were angry at me, I mean you have all the right to be, so I just thought maybe you did not want to be so close to me, or.." his voice is nearing on a very un-Blaine-esque panic, when Kurt's sudden movement stops him.

"I understand, Blaine." Kurt says, after a second. His voice is solid bordering on expressionless, and it has some weird undertone that Blaine doesn't quite catch, but which makes Blaine feel bad. And, Blaine thinks, it must be something about Kurt not wanting Blaine's crush or his feelings, because what else could it be? The coldness trickles down his spine slowly. Then Kurt continues, more resolute.

"Blaine, I saw today, there is something more troubling you. You don't need to tell me, but I just.. If you want to talk, you can. You listened to me before, so I can listen to you if you need." Kurt shrugs, not quite looking him in the eyes, but his tone is sincere. Blaine almost wants to cry a little, because Kurt, the reserved, distant, mysterious Kurt that he has been trying to unravel from his castle of stone, has seen through him and cares enough for him to offer help. Blaine thought he had been convincing, and he thought Kurt hadn't even been paying attention today, but Kurt had noticed that something was wrong, when so many other have never seen through his mask. How does he even do that? He thinks he has to answer something, because Kurt deserves it.

"Oh, yeah.. It's just, I've been so unsure how to deal with this whole weirdness between us, "Blaine smiles a little ruefully pointing at the two of them, "and then I felt you were getting distant and," and I saw you so happy with Aino, "I just… You know, I have always had this problem." He looks down now, and it's his turn to take a deep breath to brave himself. Blaine almost wants to back out, because he is just too afraid to say this. He doesn't know what will happen if he says it, but he also thinks it might help to just get it out now. Maybe Kurt, of all people, would understand. And he has heard Kurt's weaknesses, so Kurt deserves to know this, at the very least. His voice is small, his eyes fixed on the door behind Kurt, when he continues.

"What I'm most afraid of is that people won't need me. My dad… my family isn't always the most supportive. I've always had to get the best grades, and be the model student... to be enough for them. They didn't really offer me the chance to just make failures and still feel loved and accepted. I know they love me, but they are also demanding. Once… I remember once my dad was drunk and he had found my report and seen that I had gotten a C.. And he told me, with this cold, distant voice, that they didn't need a son like me, if I couldn't do better. He wasn't like that normally, not that openly anyway, but hearing that when he was drinking, I knew it must be what he sometimes feels about me without alcohol too. They love me, and they tell me that often, but sometimes I feel like I don't know if it's conditional.. That they don't love me on the days when I don't do well enough for them. That they don't need me when I'm not what they want." Blaine's voice breaks a little, and his eyes fill, but he doesn't cry. He doesn't want to and it wouldn't help now anyway. He feels so small at this moment, admitting this is so very hard. Most of the days he tries so hard to be the best, most helpful person for people, to be what everyone needs, and it's not bad. He feels happy when he can be helpful, be useful and good for people. He cares, and his happy that way. But sometimes, when his caring just isn't enough, that hurts.

Kurt's eyes are warm and so very empathetic, like they are bleeding compassion in the room and surrounding Blaine. But there is also some confusion, like he doesn't understand something. "Oh, Blaine, that sounds awful. But.. why did this come to you now? Why today..?" he stops, uncertain.

"I don't know Kurt, just.. I think, I already felt like the best part of this project is that I was helping you, too, and then I saw you getting distant and I saw you so happy with Aino, and I was afraid that…"

"…that I wouldn't need you anymore." Kurt fills his words. Blaine shrugs, not getting the words out.

"Blaine.. I don't know what to say. Just, just know that of course I still need you. This project has meant so much for me, and these pictures.. they bring my mother back to me, just a little, and I've learned so much during this time. Aino is wonderful, but she doesn't do this with me. Of course I still need you."

"… Thank you for saying that." Blaine says. He feels momentary relief wash over him at Kurt's words, but then he realises what else it means. It means that Kurt really just needs him for the project, not as a lover, if even as a friend. And how sad is that, because Blaine also really sees now how much he would like to be just that. Kurt's lover. Because Kurt is wonderful, and just now he's been shown it would not only be him helping Kurt but how good Kurt could also be for him. Too bad, that it will never happen. The coldness from before trickles down his legs, this time not numbing, but just a chilly reminder. But, even though all this goes through his head, he smiles at Kurt, because Kurt has been wonderful today and he deserves it. Kurt smiles back, so warmly that it hurts Blaine a little.

"Any time, Blaine. So, no more weirdness?" Kurt smiles a bit wider. Blaine feels himself laugh, a real one this time. Because, what else could he do, when Kurt smiles at him like that.

"No more weirdness," he agrees, still grinning.

Kurt smiles an easy, happy smile, and the mood is so much lighter than just a minute ago. "This place is really chilly, my toes are freezing.. Would you like to go get some hot chocolate with me?"

"Yeah, sure, why not?" Blaine agrees easily, because, why not? It isn't all solved yet, perhaps never will be, and the original problem is still very much there, but at least they are back where they were before the incident. At least that's what he would like to think.