019 - Travolta

On Thursday Kurt is bursting with nervous energy. In just a couple of hours they are going to do the cool guy photo shoot with Blaine, in a bar of all places. They are going to do this shoot in the evening, in a small bar near the campus. Kurt has to dress up like a cool high school bad ass, lean on the bar with a cigarette in his hand, looking around like he owns the place. This is going to be the first real acting challenge during this project, because, sure, Kurt can manage a decent president of the United states look, but a confident bad boy is something pretty damn far from reality.

There is something else besides the acting he is going to do that is causing the nerves. Kurt didn't actually choose this dream for the next shoot, because he wanted to feel more confident or because this dream felt like something he desperately wanted to fill. He didn't choose it because of the potential sob story behind it either. No, mostly he chose it, because Rachel thought it would be the perfect excuse to show Blaine another, possibly more interesting side of him. No matter, that the side he is trying to show is actually an outrageous lie.

Rachel has convinced him that he can do it. Kurt isn't so sure at all, but he really wants to try. He would never dare otherwise, but the cool guy role for this photo shoot is going to help him. He is so so nervous, but it is surprisingly ok kind of nervous, because Kurt has decided to try to be cool and confident and flirt with Blaine. Just a little flirt, so that maybe Blaine could see him in that way. Just to see if there would be any chance at all that Blaine could be interested in him. Kurt has absolutely no idea how people even do any of that, but he just really wants to try. Maybe he can act out the famous cool guys of Broadway musicals, maybe he can think he is John Travolta and just own the place. Just believe you are actually hot. Yeah, right, sure, like that is ever gonna happen. But still, he is going to try.

Kurt is going between terrified and determined, his feeling completely changing about every once a minute. Half the time he can't believe he ever thought he could be able to do this and half of the time he thinks he needs to prove himself wrong (or right, he isn't sure). Mostly he feels like he is going into a battle alone against 1000 violent vikings, trying to hold his head high but knowing there is no way he could survive this alive and in one piece.

This is actually Kurt's second time going to a bar. He went once with Rachel, and it didn't end well. He only lasted half an hour, before someone accidentally fell on him and he was so terrified and put out by the whole thing he had to leave. Kurt has chosen the outfit carefully, with a white wife beater and a black and white checkered button up shirt with some tight black jeans. He feels ridiculous. When he is at the door and has to actually face the truth of going inside and actually doing this, he freezes. He wants to just run and hide and maybe cry a little just to be safe. His hand is frozen on the door handle and he can just hope his face looks less petrified than he feels inside.

Just when he is going to take his hand off the handle and leave Blaine appears from somewhere, standing next to him and smiling brightly, saying a happy "Hello!" Blaine looks a bit out of it and seems a slightly out of breath, but not really like he has been running. Kurt is resigned to the fact that he has to actually move. He takes a deep breath and imagines the theater curtains open in front of him to show the audience. The show has started. He opens the door and looks at Blaine over his shoulder, smiling.

"Did you run here?"

Blaine flutters a bit. "No, no I didn't run, I just.. uh.. never mind." Blaine gulps a little and if Kurt was paying attention to something else besides doing his best to hide his own nervousness, he would have noticed Blaine's eyes wandering quickly over his body as if he couldn't help it. "You look pretty.. cool." Blaine offers helplessly.

Kurt puts all his will power to keep himself from blushing and kinda-almost-smirks. "Thanks. I hope it's what you needed for the shoot..?" He starts confidently but his voice is bordering on insecure by the end of the question and he is already having a bad feeling about this. It's just not going to work. He tries to work with Rachel's advice and sing Summer nights in his head. He still feels ridiculous but just a bit more confident too.

It's barely seven pm and the bar is almost empty. Kurt is relieved - he doesn't think he could act cool in front of an actual crowd. Blaine is talking with the bartender as he takes out his camera. He has already asked permission to do this beforehand, and he is just checking with the bartender to make sure he knows what is going on. They are not old enough to buy beer, but as they are just taking photos, it's fine. When they've got everything sorted out, Blaine gets the camera and the flash out and fiddles with the settings too get them working with the lighting in the bar. Then he shows Kurt the right place and position to be and gives him the pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

Kurt has managed to keep hold of his Travolta act this far, but this is the point where he realises it's just not going to happen. He has no clue whatsoever how to light a cigarette. He feels helpless and stupid: how did he ever think he could make Blaine believe he's actually cool and interesting and not just an awkward cry baby, when that is exactly what he is. Before he can drop the act and ask Blaine to help him, however, Blaine lights the cigarette himself, and thus Kurt is saved from breaking the act just yet. Blaine puts the cigarette on his lips, lights it and then hands it to Kurt, looking uncharacteristically insecure for Blaine while doing it. Kurt imagines putting the cigarette to his lips after it has been on Blaine's and the blush is attempting to rise again at that ridiculously hot thought.

" You don't actually have to smoke it, just hold it between your fingers while leaning your back on the bar," Blaine comments, helpfully. Kurt isn't sure if he is thankful or disappointed, but he ends up with the thankful. Yeah, that would have been a bit too much. He tries to get a hold of his cool guy character and smiles at Blaine. He want's to make a flirty joke, but he just can't do that, so he hopes the smile is enough. It's certainly the first time he has looked Blaine in the eyes this long and with an almost-confident smile, so Blaine has to notice that, right? Right. He smiles a bit wider and then immediately feels really stupid. Maybe you shouldn't be so obvious, Kurt.

Then he remembers that they have a shoot going on so he settles against the wooden bar in a cool, relaxed manner, leaning on his elbows, and holding the cigarette as loosely as he dares between his index and middle fingers. He pictures the audience again and imagines he is leaning on the Greased lightning. The rows of bottles are behind him and he looks at the window facing the street, with the beer brand ad on it, focusing on the being cool part and not the Blaine taking photos of him part. He imagines his own Sandy sitting by the window, though his Sandy is suspiciously male, with really familiar dark curls and olive skin.

Surprisingly, Kurt manages to lose himself in the act. After a while, without thinking, he takes a peek at Blaine and winks at him, smiling coyly. He only has a second to panic and get ready to let everything drop and fall into a whole in the ground, before he sees Blaine avert his eyes and blush slightly. What Kurt feels as he sees that is utter disbelief. Did he just blush because of me? Did I actually make Blaine blush? He feels a ridiculously strong wave of desperate hope at that. Maybe the flirting idea is not a complete disaster after all. Maybe something good could come out of this. For about fifteen minutes Kurt floats in this new and good feeling before it's all shot down in the worst kind of way. Like it's not shot down with an air rifle but more like with a bazooka. Or possibly a homing missile.

020 - Wink

Blaine honestly thought this would just be another, pretty normal photo shoot, where they would have some fun and get some nice photos out of it. It would be simple and good. It all went down pretty fast, though, when he got to the bar and saw Kurt in his outfit. He looked like, God… yeah, actually, that works, he looked like a god of some sort, a modern day Greek sex god or whatever. It's not like Kurt doesn't always look good, but this time you simply have to take the extra 'o' away from good. Needless to say, Blaine feels pretty flustered and doesn't know what to do with himself.

He has just determined that he will keep his thoughts about Kurt strictly in the friend area, nothing more. It has been hard but he really thought he had got there and managed to quench his crush on Kurt pretty well. No such luck, though. When he sees Kurt act all cool and aloof and confident, even though he knows that it's probably all an act to get in the right head space for the photos, Kurt is so unbelievably hot and enchanting and just plain sexy that he can't stop himself thinking bad things, even though he tries to, with all the power he has. Which is not very much at the moment, it seems.

Whatever is going in his head, he has managed to keep a hold of himself at least outwardly this far, just concentrating on taking the photos and making them as good as he possibly can. He is excited, because they are going to be fabulous and the lighting in the bar is really able to accentuate Kurt's relaxed confidence. So he is slowly but surely getting more into the photographer head space instead of the sexual predator one. That is, until Kurt turns to look at him and winks. Fucking winks at him. God that is like the hottest thing he has ever seen. Blaine blushes so madly that he actually wonders if he has to throw a glass of ice water on his face to make it go away.

This is bad. This is really bad. Kurt is trying to do his best to make the photos good, he wants to make his dream come true, and knowing Kurt and his personality, he probably wants to do everything he can to help Blaine's project to go as well as possible. Kurt has said before that he is nervous a lot of the time, because he is afraid that he won't be a good enough model for Blaine, that Blaine's project will be ruined because of him. Blaine knows this is probably a really hard role for Kurt and so he is acting it to the max to keep a hold of the role. And instead of being the thankful, professional photographer he should be, he is thinking of laying Kurt on his bed and tearing off all his too damn sexy clothes and... get a grip, Blaine, for fuck's sake!

After the wink, it seems Kurt is getting a hang of his role even better and he becomes even more like a Greek god. After the wink, Blaine is getting increasingly more flustered and also equally more annoyed at himself. He honestly tries to get himself back to being professional, but it all falls to shit when Blaine thinks they are ready and done with the photos and goes to Kurt to ask if he wants something to drink. Kurt turns to him and puts his hand on Blaine's shoulder and smiles teasingly while saying "I would love a drink. I'm feeling quite thirsty."

It's not even anything remotely dirty or suggestive or anything less than innocent. But with that smile and with it being probably the first time Kurt has initiated a physical contact with him, and with Blaine already freaking out because of himself and his stupid brain, it's just a little bit too much too sudden for him. So he twists his shoulder from under Kurt's hand, fast, and takes a quick step away from him, looking the other way, because he doesn't dare to look at Kurt at that second. That is also why he doesn't see Kurt's face fall, looking completely vulnerable and hurt, but it only lasts a second before Kurt's face is back to his usual timid and held back mask.

When Blaine looks back at him, merely two seconds later, he only sees the normal Kurt, only maybe a bit more cold and controlled than usual. Blaine sees a Kurt, who has shaken away the role needed for the photo shoot after it's all over. He sees a Kurt, who has probably noticed Blaine ogling him and feels awkward and uneasy about it, because Kurt probably really doesn't want that. Suddenly Blaine really hopes he hadn't offered to buy Kurt a drink, because the whole situation is just really uncomfortable, in a worse kind of way than any other of their weird moments before. But Blaine thinks it's just as well, because he needs to back down now, and really stop being the sexual pervert he has been slowly becoming in Kurt's company. So, if it takes them being less friendly and more down to business, then so be it. Even if it will hurt a lot to not be so open and friendly and thoughtless with the wonderful person that is Kurt.

He buys Kurt the soda he asked and another one for himself. They drink their sodas fast, talking about easy things, seemingly just like before, but there is frost hanging somewhere just below the first few layers of the seemingly friendly chatter. Kurt downs his drink barely five minutes later and says he needs to go, that he has something he needs to do right now. Blaine doesn't know if he should feel bad for the shoot ending like this or just thankful for the weird, cold atmosphere of the last ten minutes being over. Kurt leaves and Blaine stays holding his empty glass.

Quite out of nowhere a memory of his grandfather from years ago comes to him. He sees clearly the smaller version of him and his then much younger looking grandpa standing in grandpa's study, grandpa showing him an antique hourglass on his desk. He remembers how grandpa told him that he needs to always grasp a possibility whenever one comes on his way, because time is like the sand inside the hourglass, it's flow is inevitable and at some point, faster than you realise, it has all gone down and it's too late to go for things anymore. Blaine really doesn't want to think why this memory came to him now, because he feels there is some really important message from his unconsciousness, and it's something he just can't handle right now.

021 - Aino

Kurt is sitting in library cafeteria with a slowly cooling cup of coffee in his hands. He is reading Eyes of Ice again, but not really, because mostly he is just staring at the words to give him an excuse to be sitting there without speaking to anyone while he is trying to make sense of the things in his head. After the shoot in the bar things have been weird, bad weird. After that one moment of Blaine jumping away from his touch in disgust, (which is painfully branded in Kurt's brain, constantly repeating itself in his mind if he is not careful,) Blaine has changed. Kurt ones believed Blaine was in this only for the photography project, but now he can really see the difference between the friendly but distant, professional and only-in-it-because-he-has-to Blaine, and the Blaine, who truly wants to be friends, who is happy to spend time with him, to touch him, to joke with him about stupid things and to look at him in the eyes. Kurt can see the difference now that he has lost the latter Blaine and is left with the former.

It has not been forever, yet, it's been just five days, but Kurt is already made painfully aware how big a difference Blaine has already made in his life. Before, Kurt had no problem with having no friends. He had Rachel, his dad and his books and he was content. Maybe not happy, exactly, but he was ok. Now, in less than two months of Blaine, he has gotten used to having a real friend, a little, hopeful crush, a confidante who he can tell things sometimes, a someone who gives away touches freely and lets Kurt finally get used to them, to grave them. And now it's suddenly all gone, because Kurt made the mistake of wanting more, of hoping, of believing for that short time that Blaine actually liked him and acting out on it.

But it's not that simple. Kurt is confused, because while he blames himself, he just can't truly see what was so bad that everything had to change. Him flirting and going on Blaine when he clearly didn't want it, him misunderstanding Blaine's feelings was certainly bad, but Blaine is not Kurt, Blaine is not the guy who is afraid of a simple touch. So Kurt is a little hurt, a lot confused, even more disappointed in himself, and feeling like he really doesn't know if he can go back to the life without Blaine. It is scary, how much he needs Blaine now, not even as a lover or anything like that, not necessarily, but just present in his life. The absolute worst things about this is that Blaine was the one person (besides his Dad) who had accepted all of him, from the very beginning. To have that person now suddenly rejecting him feels so very bad. He feels lonely, and a bit cold, so he takes a sip of his coffee to get himself just a bit warmer.

Suddenly he is made aware that someone has sat opposite him, as he hears a chair pull out and someone light thudding down on the chair. By the subtle smell of mild perfume he knows it's a girl. Kurt guesses, correctly, that there are no more free tables and she just needed a place to sit down, so Kurt doesn't look up.

"Oh, Eyes of ice! I really liked that book. It was inspirational." she comments. Her voice is friendly, but not overly pushy or enthusiastic. Her voice has also an obvious foreign accent, although Kurt can't exactly pinpoint where it is from. He looks up and sees a girl with a natural blonde(yeah, Kurt can tell), almost white hair, greyish eyes and pale skin. She is dressed in an off-white shirt, and all this together makes it look like someone has taken all the colour out of her. It's not a bad look on her, it makes her look like she has stepped out of a faded old photograph. Or like she is standing in the snow in a wintry forest during full moon.

"Oh… yeah, it's one of my favourite books." Kurt says, feeling a little awkward and nervous, but surprisingly little so. He wonders fleetingly, whether it's also because of Blaine that he is now able to talk to a random somebody without wanting to escape. "Not many people know this book…?" he says, half asks, just to get something out of his mouth, and also because he is honestly a little intrigued about this person who actually knows and likes his favourite book ever. The girl gives him a small, nice smile and nods.

"Yeah, I came across it totally by an accident. I saw it in a pile of books in a second hand book store back home." she explains, and then shakes her head a little, smiling. "I'm sorry, I didn't even introduce myself. I'm Aino, I'm an exchange student from Finland, majoring in comparative literature."

"Kurt." he answers and immediately continues "Oh! I study English, so it's kind of very similar I think." Kurt says, and somehow almost forgets that he doesn't usually talk to strangers. This girl seems easy to be with, she seems honest and real, not the slightest bit pretentious, she seems a bit shy but really kind, and also a bit held back and reserved, which also makes her much easier for him to be with.

The girl, Aino, just smiles her little smile again - it's not wide but it's unpretentiously friendly. "Nice to meet you, Kurt." she says and brings her hand over the table for him to shake. They shake hands and Kurt smiles, because it's just so nice and easy with this girl. They talk about Eyes of Ice for a while, just sharing their favourite parts, and even though Aino has only read it once while Kurt knows every word by heart, there is still a lot to talk about. Slowly they move to other books and suddenly Kurt notices he's been talking to this stranger for over half an hour without once wanting to leave. The subject of books Kurt can handle and Aino is in many ways a lot like him, keeping her distance and not pushing for any personal questions or random small talk, which Kurt is thankful for. If she needs to think about some question before she answers, she just keeps silent and only answers when she's ready. She doesn't mind when Kurt does the same.

Kurt can't help but compare this to meeting Blaine. Blaine got to him, because he was totally unafraid of Kurt and his reservations, because he was hundred percent real and himself. Blaine got to him, because he has a thousand watt smile and lovely curls and he always gets so very close to Kurt, but does it in such a natural way that Kurt couldn't feel scared. (Or did at least, before Thursday.) Aino seems to be getting to him because she acts a lot like Kurt, like they have the same idea of what is comfortable and familiar in a conversation with a new person. Aino is getting to him, because with her Kurt feels like he doesn't need to follow the social norms he never got comfortable with. Aino is no Blaine, but she is someone Kurt could meet again, and be glad he could meet again.

Just as Kurt is thinking this, Aino lets out a little, friendly chuckle and points out the same thing. "You are different from most of the Americans I've met." Before Kurt can get to feeling stupid, she elaborates further "I mean, in a really nice way. I really like all the people I've met here, the friends I've made, but sometimes it's really hard for me to get to the whole hugging and kissing on the cheek and doing all this small talk and..yeah, all that. I know it's usual here, but in Finland were are not used to that, we like to keep our distance, we don't even do small talk there, so.. Yeah, talking with you is relaxing, if you get my point." Kurt is not used to people being so honest about things, but at the same time he can really understand what she means.

"I know the feeling. I guess I'm not so good with small talk either." he says, a bit self mockingly. Aino suddenly smiles brightly.

"I think you would make a really good Finn." she jokes, but her eyes are saying that it's probably somewhat true.

"Oh, my god, don't say that!" Kurt groans, playfully, all the while feeling shocked that he is able to actually joke with this girl he just met not even an hour ago. "My step brother's name is Finn and I really don't want to be like him!" Aino laughs out loud at this, and her laughter is really nice, Kurt notices.

"Oh, God, sorry. We can't have that. Let me rephrase, you would make a good Finnish person." she laughs.

"That sounds slightly better." Kurt huffs and then smiles at her brightly. For the first time in what is probably years, he feels like he wants to ask somebody else's phone number, or Facebook, or whatever, just so that he could get to know them better. He doesn't dare to ask yet, but he really hopes he will find a way to do it before they part ways. A tiny bit of insecurity hits him as he thinks that maybe Aino doesn't want to know him, but then he pushes it to the back of his head with the memory of Aino saying that being with him is relaxing. That can't be bad.

Then another thought comes to him. Before the latest incident with Blaine they had been considering one of the more recent dreams in his book. He had been watching some foreign movie from a lesser know European country (Czech, or Slovakia or something like that) when he had started thinking how nice it would be to be able to speak another language, especially an unkown exotic one like that, to be able to connect with another culture in that special way even if you didn't know any of the people. Thus, the dream "70. I want to be fluent in some exotic language." They had been thinking about this dream, because it made a real challenge to be portrayed in a photograph. Which was also why they had put it aside for now, as they hadn't figured out a good way to do it. But Aino just said he would make a good Finnish person and maybe this could be the culture and the language he could "get fluent in" in a photo shoot, even if he won't really be able to learn the language. They could figure something out, if Aino would be willing to help him.

He asks Aino, very uncertainly, if she would like to be a part of a project, and when she doesn't shoot the idea down immediately, he explains the project to her. She seems interested, even a little excited, and says that of course she can help. "I would love to share a small part of my country with you, if you wanted to." she smiles, and Kurt feels happy. Maybe, even if he doesn't have Blaine's friendship anymore, he could at least have this girl, Aino, a friend he has made all by himself. There is no way she, or anyone, could replace Blaine, but Kurt needs to take what he can have.

"Maybe you could help me start right now. So, how do you say 'hello' in Finnish?"