016 - Open

Blaine thinks it's oddly beautiful, how they are sitting there in the quiet Taekwondo dojang, on the tatami floor, holding each other, Kurt still wearing the dobok, both thinking their own thoughts. He never thought it would come to this, but here they are, so close and so intimate, and yet still so very far away. When Kurt breaks the silence to ask for a permission to tell his story, Blaine just humms softly. It feels like Kurt is not really all there, it's more like he is speaking to himself and Blaine just happens to be there to hear. He doesn't want to disturb, because this is important.

"When I was in high school.. there was this jock, who did not like me very much. Well, at all. I wasn't very well liked in general, I was bullied a lot, and I was already a weird loner by then, I didn't have a lot of friends… We had a glee club for a few months, but then it was disbanded .. I guess people just kind of drifted apart, only Rachel stayed with me. We were the two weirdos." A dry chuckle.

"Rachel? Your roommate?" Blaine asks quietly. He wonders how Kurt can speak about all of this so freely, so nonchalantly, but he doesn't comment. Blaine speaking seems to make Kurt realise they are still holding each other and he carefully extracts himself from Blaine and sits up cross-legged, watching his feet and fiddling with the hem of his pants.

"Yes. " He confirms and then continues his story. "Anyway, this jock, Karofsky, he was like the leader of the bullies in our school and he had something personal against me, it seemed. He and his jocks seemed to get out of their way to make my life a living hell in school. Dumpster tosses, shoving into lockers, slushy facials, name calling, you name it and they did it." He let out an mirthles little laugh. Blaine felt mildly sick.

"…Slushy facials?" he asks, confused. Kurt laughs again, sarcastic.

"Yeah, the school favourite pastime. We had a slushy machine in the school, and the cool kids liked to throw the slushies in the uncool kids' faces." Blaine shudders a little at the thought. The conversation has been almost casual this far, but now something in Kurt changes and he becomes more serious but also more… determined, maybe, like he's braving himself for the next part. His voice is quiet and very very serious when he continues.

"Karofsky, though, he was different. He wasn't only bullying me the normal way, he also kept staring at me, it felt like almost stalking. And then one day, when he pushed me again, something snapped in me. I had had enough and my dad had just told me to stand up for myself. So I ran after him in the locker room and told him to stop." Kurt voice has got an almost robotic tone, like he is just reading a text already written in his head. Maybe he is. "I almost yelled at him. And he stared at me and raised his hands and I was so sure he was going to hit me. He got nearer and I was going to run. But then he leaned down and grabbed my face and … and he kissed me. I was in shock, I couldn't do anything. I tried to say stop, but I don't think anything actually came out. His hands started to wander, he touched my chest and back, almost my ass, but then he pulled back apruptly and he looked so horrified and angry. I had no idea what he was going to do and the smell of his body wash was overwhelming, and I felt like I couldn't move. He looked at me what was probably like two seconds but felt like milleniums and then he told me he would kill me if I ever told anyone." A small breath. "He said if anyone ever found out I would die. "

Kurt pauses here. Blaine wants to throw up. He honestly doesn't know if he can hold it in, but he cannot say or do anything now, because this is Kurt opening up his wounds, pulling out his splinters and he has no right to interrupt or stop that, no matter how much he wants to not hear any more. He sees in his head in horrifying clarity the memories of last time, when he jumped on Kurt from behind and how Kurt reacted. Kurt breathes in deep as if to continue. Blaine wants to say stop, don't, this is already enough.

"Later, the bullying got worse for a while. But then one day someone had figured out he was gay, and his father made him transfer schools. But before he left, Karofsky found me and he was so livid, he was so sure I had told. But I never told anyone, I never told a soul, because I was so afraid what would come, and I was so sure in that moment that I was really gonna die. But somebody came in the room and he left, and I haven't seen him again. I never told anyone, even afterwards. I kept it behind a wall, carefully closed off, because I was still so afraid. After coming to New York, I thought I had gotten over it, but then Thursday you came and I did not know it was you and you had his smell on your hands when you placed them on my face… I thought you were him, for a moment." Kurt's voice has gotten softer, more unsure, almost guilty, like he feels bad for what he has done to Blaine. Like he wants to apologise to Blaine. Blaine feels ill again.

And then the part about that boy's smell on Blaine's hands registers in his brain. The Axe. The accident, Zach's body wash bottle spilling, the soiled rug, Blaine thinking he is too late and has no time to wash his hands. Blaine doesn't know if his stomach will survive the day.

"Oh God. The Axe smell, Zach's Axe. That's what you smelled. Zach is using the same body wash as your tormentor."

Kurt looks up at this point, inquiringly into Blaine's eyes. "Oh? It was Zach's?" He turns back to his toes again. "But he didn't smell like that today…"

"No, I spilled the bottle, he has been using mine the last few days." Blaine says distractedly, still very much horrified by his own actions. If I had just washed my hands…

Blaine is not looking at Kurt, but he sees from the corner of his eye that the other boy is looking at him, thinking hard about something. A sudden realisation comes on his face and his voice turns stronger.

"Blaine. This wasn't your fault. It was me and my traumas, you didn't know. I told you so you would know what happened and why. I'm not blaming you for anything. Your voice helped me calm down." Blaine feels.. he doesn't know how he feels. They both fall silent then, sitting there facing each other but heads hanging low. A quiet falls on them and then, somehow, slowly it's all covered in calmness again, like the air is somehow purer and the gravity pulling on them less strong, making them lighter. Kurt falls on his back on the floor, staring at the roof, and after a while Blaine follows him.

Finally Blaine breaks the silence with "You said you never told anyone?" , still staring at the roof, watching one of the strip lights flicker every now and then.

"I told Rachel on Thursday… After the incident." Blaine hums. He feels so honored and so scared that Kurt chose him to tell this story.

"And today's photo shoot?"

Kurt's voice is back to his usual held back and unsure when he answers, yet there is a certain kind of new strength somewhere underneath.

"I just wanted to feel strong."

Blaine thinks about the last photos he took, just before Zach left and Kurt started crying, the ones in which Kurt is looking so fierce and angry and powerful enough to take down anyone as he kicks the innocent dummy, the fluorescent lights from above making it all so clear and impersonal, but the wooden walls, the tatami and the uniform giving an oriental aura of raw, natural strength. He thinks how those photos will look like the definition of strong.

"You are." Blaine answers, his tone very,very warm.

017 - Oh my God

The peaceful moment is broken when Zach comes back in, feeling uneasy and not wanting to impose but having no choice, and tells Kurt and Blaine that a group is coming to practise and they need to leave. Kurt is suddenly reminded that he is not a person who just stays holding other men, almost strangers, telling them his biggest secrets. He feels flustered and embarrassed and just wants to leave, and fast. He can't help noticing that Blaine is a little bemused by the change in the atmosphere too, but he can't think about Blaine's feelings too much as his own awkwardness and disbelief is so mind consuming. He takes the uniform off hastily and hands it to Zach with some rambled thank you's and have a nice day's.

When they are outside the building, Kurt's goodbyes are weird, and fast, addressed more to the ground than to Blaine. He goes back home feeling increasingly confused. He doesn't know what to think. It wasn't a bad moment, it was really nice in some ways, but so utterly unrealistic and unlike him. It just wasn't something Kurt Hummel does. By the time he reaches his and Rachel's shared apartment he is nearing a full on panic.

"Oh. My God," Kurt informs Rachel as he closes the door and falls against it. Rachel looks up from her book and stares at him interestedly. Kurt's shocked and confused expression makes her worried, as she knows where Kurt was. She has been waiting for him, pretty impatiently, because she wants to know what happened with Blaine and the photo shoot and what could possibly make Kurt look like that. Kurt doesn't look horrified or scared, more like he simply can't believe, let alone handle, what just happened.

"Oh my God," Kurt repeats, as if to make sure Rachel understood. "I just told Blaine about Karofsky. Everything about Karofsky. I cried and kicked a dummy like a crazy person and then I kinda fell on Blaine and told him everything, in a very detailed manner. Even more than I told you." Somewhere in the middle of his declaration Kurt has closed his eyes and he takes a deep breath as if to hold himself in one piece.

"Fell on…Care to elaborate?" Rachel asks as she helps Kurt sit down to their kitchen table and hands him a cup of herbal tea. Kurt is too flustered to complain about the caffeine-free drink and just gulps it down. He tells Rachel all about the afternoon, almost rambling in his haste to get it all out and make some sense out of it. Rachel's face is going back and forth between awed, shocked, sympathetic and emphatic as Kurt speaks. She tries to interject but Kurt is speaking too fast for her to really get anything in between before Kurt is finished.

"What am I gonna do?" Kurt finally concludes, helplessly.

"About what?" Rachel asks.

"About Blaine. About meeting him again? Can I meet him again? Oh God, do I have to end the whole project here?" he moans, wringing his hands anxiously.

"What?! Of course not!" Rachel exclaims. "This project is so good for you! And Blaine is good for you, and you like him don't you? You could be such a wonderful couple!" Rachel continues, getting ahead of herself again, as she imagines Kurt happy and dating and possibly with a bunch of babies.

"Coup.. what are you talking about, Rachel? We are not going to be a couple!" Kurt protests, though blushing madly at the same time, which pretty much gives away that Kurt has indeed had similar thoughts.

"Maybe not, but you could be! Just think about it!"

Kurt's blush deepens and he mutters something indistinct in a weak protest. Then he looks back at Rachel, his eyes pleading for help.

"What should I do?" This time Rachel understands the question as it is. Should he let himself fall for Blaine? Could he possibly be brave enough to try love?

Rachel looks at him imploringly and asks "Do you think you can trust him? Is he worth it?"

Kurt looks more sure now. "Yes, Rachel, I think I can trust him. He is a wonderful person."

Rachel's expression is really kind when she says "I think you should give him a chance. Give you both a chance. "

Kurt smiles a little. Maybe he will.

/

When Kurt falls asleep his bookmark is placed between the pages of Eyes of Ice, right where Aenor and Marie have just got their first baby and they're starting their happily ever after.

018 - Fruit game

Blaine and Zach are quiet as they walk back to their dorm room, both thinking about the day and having some very serious thoughts. When they both sit down on their beds, Zach suddenly asks "So, you and Kurt, huh?" looking at the roof in a slightly awkward manner. Blaine looks up at him fast.

"What do you mean me and Kurt? There is no me and Kurt."

"Oh.. I just thought.. well you two were lying so close on the floor and I…" Zach sounds honestly confused and a bit embarrassed. Blaine shakes his head furiously.

"No. Didn't you see how Kurt was? He was just telling me something really serious, something about the incident on Thursday, and it was kind of draining. For both of us." Blaine's voice is firm, even a bit accusatory.

"I'm sorry. Yeah, I guess Kurt was kinda upset." This makes Blaine chuckle darkly.

"Kinda, yeah." he affirms.

Blaine falls on his back, feeling exhausted and rests his eyes. He doesn't really know what to think, there are so many thoughts and emotions, but none are coming to him at the moment. It's like there is a fruit machine game in his head with his emotions rolling around, none of them stopping yet to show what he has won. He just feels tired. Zach gets up and goes to take a shower. When he comes back Blaine is looking at him with an unreadable expression.

"How come I have never seen you with a girl?" he asks, thoughtful. Zach smiles a little.

"I thought you, at least,wouldn't be the kind of person who wouldn't just assume I was heterosexual." he comments instead of answering.

"Well, I've never seen you with a guy either." Blaine states casually, with a matching little smile on his lips. Zach smiles wider at the half-joke, but turns serious after a second.

"I guess now is as good a time to tell as any. I'm asexual." Zach says, throwing it out there so very casually but with a sad shadow in his eyes. Blaine is surprised with the information but also surprised with the sadness, because he doesn't understand the reason for it.

"Oh.. wow. Why did you never tell?"

"I guess it never just came up. It's not like I'm ashamed or anything, it's just not something everybody needs to know." Zach explains, looking at Blaine earnestly, like he knows Blaine will understand. Blaine does.

"I hear you." Blaine looks at Zach a while longer, and notes that the sadness is still there, it's not nervousness or fear or anything the sort, just something like… he has had to give up something he wants very badly. "What about this makes you so sad?" Blaine blurts kind of out of nowhere, but he doesn't feel awkward, because this is Zach and there is nothing to be ashamed of for either of them. Zach starts a little, surprised at the question, but then the sadness takes hold of his face and he sighs slowly, looking at his feet.

"You know what asexual means, right?" Zach waits for Blaine's nod before continuing "So I don't want sex, or a sexual relationship, but that doesn't mean I don't want romance or cuddles in front of a tv or someone to make coffee with in the mornings. I know not all asexuals are like me, but I can't help wanting all that. But I know I can't have it without the sexual part, not with a normal girl, I know how small the chance is to find someone who would be satisfied with just cuddles and a random kiss." Zach sounds resigned. Blaine doesn't know what to say, because he really, really believes that Zach will find his happiness, but he also does know that it won't be easy.

"I'm sure there is someone out there who would want that with you." he says softly. Zach humms.

"I really hope so." Then he raises his head with a small smile and looks at Blaine with sincere eyes. "I really hope you will find your happiness with Kurt. You would be good for each other."

Blaine looks down but he's not embarrassed. Zach's words make him yearn things, but today has shaken him pretty badly. He watches the fruit game roll. "I don't know," he sighs,"I'm not sure if I would be good for Kurt."

Zach shakes his head. "No, don't think like that. I'm sure whatever he told you was hard, he was so upset and I know what you've told me about him before, but you are awesome, Blaine. You are kind, gentle and a good person. Don't give up yet."

Blaine laughs then, good naturedly and a little bit teasing, even though Zach's advice hit him pretty hard. "How did you get so insightful? Is it your inner purple dinosaur speaking? I mean…." Blaine didn't get further before a pillow hits his head, hard, and the heartfelt conversation is turned into a very manly pillow fight. It seems like one of thefruit game wheels stopped and gave him a strawberry, even though the other two are still rolling.

/

The next day they meet each other in the coffee shop before lectures in the morning. Blaine is there early and he can't help feeling a little hopeful. He had been so nervous about how things would be with Kurt after the Taekwondo session, but when Kurt had texted him last night suggesting that they go for coffee again, he had been hopeful that things would be fine. Maybe even better than before. When he sees Kurt's tentative smile directed at him from the doorway, Blaine's heart feels light.

"Hiya, Kurt!" he says with a friendly smile. Kurt answers, looking a bit timid and nervous, but his smile is real. They talk for a while until they get to the topic of photo shoots. Blaine sees Kurt is a bit reluctant to talk about the last shoots and he doesn't press further on that yet. They can see the photos later and he hasn't yet edited them anyway. So instead, he asks about the next photo shoot.

"Which one would you like to do next?" Blaine asks.

"I thought…," Kurt hesitates a little but then braces himself to go for it. "Well, would you mind if we didn't go back to the ones we planned before yet? I have another new one I would really like to do…" Blaine notes Kurt is oddly nervous, yet hopeful at the same time. Definitely flustered, but not in an obviously bad way. Blaine really wants to know why.

"No, of course it's ok. What was on your mind?" he inquires, interested.

"Well. This one is from middle school." Kurt blushes a little as he pushes a paper toward Blaine, like he can't actually get himself to read it out loud. It says 33. I want to be one of the cool guys. Blaine gulps, as if something cold runs down his spine. The second and third wheel start to slow down. He gives Kurt a slightly forced smile.

Kurt looked a bit unsure, but still there is that strange, almost hopeful glint, that doesn't match the story at all. "It was when the bullies started to be more… direct, I guess. I never wanted to be like them, not really, but sometimes it was just, being different in Nowhere, Ohio. I guess I just thought it would be easier if I was a bit more like them. Mostly I just wanted to be accepted."

Blaine is hit with a really unhappy line of thought. He realises that yesterday's story, as horrible as it was, was just a small part of everything Kurt has gone through. Yesterday was just the tip of the iceberg. Kurt wants and needs him to help him get on with his life, to help him do these photographs and keep his mother's memory strong. Kurt needs a friend. Not a lover. He definitely doesn't need Blaine pining for him, expecting and wanting things Kurt isn't ready to give. Blaine needs to just suck up his little (well, not so little, to be honest) crush, and only be what Kurt needs, nothing more, no matter what he himself might want. When had Kurt even ever indicated that he would want more? He has enough going on without you misunderstanding him and being a creep. Whatever Zach says, I can't do that to him.

With a friendly, happy and very fake smile Blaine says that the dream is fine, that it works well with the project and that they can start planning this photo shoot right away, if Kurt wants to. Kurt's smile widens slightly, he seems oddly shy but very pleased, and Blaine's heart sinks just a little more as that just confirms how Kurt only needs him for the photography project, not for his body or soul. The other two fruit game wheels stop quite apruptly, giving him two really sour lemons.