013 - Simplicity

For a few painfully horrible, excruciatingly long seconds Kurt really believes that Karofsky has found him again and is going to finish what he started. Is going to do what he said he would. The smell is overwhelming, the smell he always felt in his nose when he was pushed in a locker or thrown in the dumbster, the smell that was always extra strong after his football practise and a shower - the smell that makes Kurt remember what he does not want to remember or form into words even though he cannot possibly ever forget. It's so much worse, because Kurt already thought he was finally safe from the bullying, from the unwanted attention.

Kurt tries to hit him, he tries to push Karofsky away and Karofsky's hands are confusingly easy to shed off, but he can't think of that because he needs to escape, he needs it to stop now, he needs Karofsky to not kiss him again, not touch him again, he needs to escape. As he backs away towards the wall, with no power left to do anything else but plead, he finally looks up for just a little peek - and he doesn't see Karofsky's bulky form, he sees Blaine. Handsome, wonderful, safe Blaine looking horrified and scared, holding his hands up as if to tell him that he would never do anything Kurt doesn't want to, and that he is so sorry, and Kurt just does not understand.

The smell was there but the man is not and Kurt feels a small wave of pure animalistic relief run over him, before the memories hit him again and there is no energy left in his body to do more than be silent and wait for an ounce of energy to come back, just enough to be moving again and leave this place. He feels hopelessly powerless, like all his bones are gone, like the air he breathes has barely any oxygen, like someone is piling weights on his body to make him fall underneath it. The weight makes him shake.

He hears something, vaguely registers that Blaine is speaking to him, but he cannot concentrate enough to catch what he is saying. Kurt hears the worry and the confusion, but the words make no sense. His voice is not scary, but Blaine being there makes no sense. Why is the smell there if it is only Blaine? Why does Blaine smell like Karofsky? Why? Nothing makes sense and he is still so scared and so very powerless.

He feels a tentative hand on his shoulder and he moves away as if the hand burned him. He knows, somewhere in the back of his head, that this was Blaine - Karofsky is not here, he is not here, he is not coming for you - but it is too hard to prevent the instinct reaction when there is so much adrenaline and terror left running in his veins. He concentrates on simple things, like how when he breathes in, his lungs will absorb the oxygen in it, and how his blood will then take over and deliver the oxygen to his muscles and his brain. He concentrates on things that make sense, like the voices of the people around, seemingly not having a clue what is going on; the continuous sounds of individual footsteps coming closer and then getting further away again; the door opening and closing; the endless, soothing flow of words from Blaine's mouth. He concentrates on the static, on the repetition, on the natural.

After an eternally long, unmoving moment, his heart starts to slow and he feels like he can think again, that he can breathe and open his eyes and see. He looks around and Karofsky is not there. He is not there and Kurt feels like he can maybe move again without falling.

When the world comes back slowly, he realises it was a panic attack. He also starts to hear what Blaine is saying - "I'm so sorry, Kurt, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, oh God, I don't know what happened…" - and Kurt wants to tell Blaine that it is not his fault. It's not Blaine's fault that he somehow got Karofsky's smell on himself - how could he possibly have known? It's not Blaine's fault what Karofsky did to Kurt and it's not his fault Kurt is still so damaged and fucked up that he cannot handle a freaking smell without flipping out. He wants to tell that if something, Blaine helped, because it was his voice that helped him come down from the fear. But he cannot, because the smell is still there on Blaine and he cannot get closer to it anymore, he is so afraid that he will feel it again. He needs to get away from it, away from people who can hurt him, away from hands that could too easily reach him. He needs it all to be gone now so that he can let go of his fear.

He feels guilty, so painfully guilty, that he has to leave Blaine without an explanation, without a glue what is going on and thinking he did something wrong, but he cannot talk about it now. He can't even think about it now and especially not when that smell is still lurking there. He can feel it in his bones even if he cannot smell it right that moment, and he can't face it again. Kurt thinks he will make this better later, somehow he will fix this, he will explain - but not now, not today, not when he can still feel the ghost of Karofsky's hands on his body, his lips on his, his smell in his nose.

With a quiet "I'm so sorry Blaine" he turns and walks away, ridiculourly slowly. When Blaine starts to follow, Kurt says "No, please don't" again, and he knows these words are the ones he kept saying in his panic, but he hopes Blaine understands that they are not fear anymore, they are not a accusing, they are just inofrming that he needs to go. Blaine seems to get what he meant and stops following him. The sorrow and guilt in Blaine's eyes make him want to cry but he doesn't feel it, at least not yet, no tears for now, just the need to go and drown in something simple, easy and straightforward. Like the whirring of their refrigerator, or the feel of the satin of his bed sheets on his skin and the familiar pages of Eyes of ice, where he knows everything that will happen and things are always good in the end.

014 - Master Zach

When Blaine gets back to his room after the afternoon classes, there is a tornado of thoughts and feelings whirling in his head. There is guilt for doing the stunt on Kurt, who he knows is really reserved with people. Couldn't you ever stop to think! It's not that much to ask! And there is pain for Kurt being so afraid, all because of him. There is confusion because he really does not know what actually happened. There is fear that Kurt will be gone for good this time, and self-hatred because he has probably finally managed to make Kurt hate him. You fucking idiot! He feels so bad for Kurt because he knows there must be something horrible behind all this. He is afraid that he will have to hear what the story behind this is and he also fears he will never get to hear it, because Kurt won't be there anymore. There is desperation and helplessness, because he wants so bad to undo what he did but he knows it's not possible. There is the desperate need to help, whatever that would be. In the eye of the whole storm is the still-standing knowledge that if he had it bad in high school, then what Kurt has gone through is obviously on another level of bad completely.

Blaine does his homework in a robot mode, not really even sure what he is doing, but at least he has stared at every word he was supposed to read, even if he did not understand a single one. He has written down words, even though he's not sure what and if any of it even makes sense. He wants to send Kurt a text or email or anything, whatever he could to make sure Kurt is alright, but he can't and he won't. He has no right, and it's Kurt's decision if he ever wants to give Blaine anything anymore. So he cleans up the bathroom, probably much more carefully that is really needed, he watches tv, listens to music, reads random web-pages, does everything he can to let time pass, as he waits for Kurt to do something.

At some point, Zach comes to the room, throwing his Taekwondo practise bag haphazardly on his bed. He sees Blaine lying on the bed eyes closed and says a happy "Hello! Master Zach is back from the bamboo forests!"

"Good for you," Blaine mutters indifferently.

"What's gotten to you?" Zach asks, frowning.

"I caused Kurt to have a panic attack today," Blaine says with a helpless voice. "I actually, literally made Kurt have a panic attack," he repeats, now more horrified.

Zach looks at him for a while, first incredulous and even amused, then more worried. "What the hell did you do?"

"God, I don't even know... I jumped on him from behind."

Zach groans. Blaine has told him a lot about Kurt, and with that he means Blaine hasn't really been not talking about Kurt for a while now, so Zach knows what kind of person Kurt is. Zach asks Blaine to please tell him what happened and so Blaine goes on with the story. Zach is momentarily distracted by the Axe part of it, but once he has checked the bathroom and noted that the rug is gone and the lingering smell only very faint, he lets Blaine continue. Afterwards he scolds Blaine a little but mostly he just feels sad for Blaine and just as sad for Kurt. They talk for a long time, and share some beer that Zach always has at hand, until they realise it's almost two am and they still have classes tomorrow. Just when they are about to turn off the light Blaine phone beeps with a new text message. Blaine cannot help the way his heart lurches as he hopes against hope that it's…

10.12.2012 01:56 From: Kurt
Could we please do a photo shoot this weekend?

Blaine jumps and half-shouts to Zach that it's Kurt and that Kurt still wants to meet him, in whatever capasity it may be. Zach smiles at him encouragingly. He struggles with the letters a bit as he tries to write as fast as he can.

10-12-12 01:59 To: Kurt
Of course, anything you want to! Which one would you want to do?

10-12-12 02:04 From: Kurt
Uh, I'm sorry for waking you up… I have another idea for this one, is it ok?

10-12-12 02:06 To: Kurt
Don't worry, I was still awake. If we can manage to make it happen, then sure! What did you think of?

10-12-12 02:09 From: Kurt
'I want to learn to do martial arts.'

10-12-12 02:11 To: Kurt
Oh. But that's not really an impossible dream is it?

10-12-12 02:15 From: Kurt
Don't worry, just forget it. Good night, Blaine.

10-12-12 02:17 To: Kurt
No! No, of course we can still do it, if you want to! I'm sure we can figure out something. Would Sunday be good?

This is the point where Blaine shouts to the already slumbering Zach to wake up. He tells Zach to be free on Sunday, no matter what, and make sure they can borrow ("or rent or whatever to make it happen") the Taekwondo training place for a few hours. They need to do a photo shoot and Zach needs to teach Kurt some convincing moves for it. Zach is pretty high in the ranks in theTaekwondo club, so he's sure Zach can make it happen. Zach seems annoyed at first but when he realises it's about Kurt and that he can actually do his part to help both Blaine and Kurt, he tells Blaine reassuringly that it will happen.

"Just leave it to Master Zach!" he mumbles, cheery but already half-asleep again.

"Isn't it supposed to be Master Barney, as it's korean?"

"Fuck'u." mumbles Zach.

10-12-12 02:19 From: Kurt
Yeah. Sunday is fine. But only if it's not too much trouble.

10-12-12 02:23 To: Kurt
Of course not, Kurt. I already have an idea what we can do. I'll tell you more about it tomorrow.

10-12-12 02:24 From: Kurt
Thank you. Sleep well.

10-12-12 02:25 To: Kurt
You too, Kurt.

015 - Dojang

When Kurt walks towards the Taekwondo place he's supposed to be on Sunday afternoon, he pulls his coat on tighter as the colder autumn wind makes him shiver. He has dressed too lightly and it's an unusually cold day for October. He looks at the address hastily written on a piece of paper and tries to figure out where the place is. He feels lost, because the place he is going is new, because the weather is changing and he is going to experience the winter of New York for the first time soon, and because he has no idea what he is even doing. The conversation he had with Rachel after his panic attack has opened a new door inside him, a door he is afraid of walking through but can't close anymore now that the autumn wind is blowing in. It seems to make the wind colder, as he thinks how the door was opened.

/

"I… It's Karofsky… In our junior year, you remember those months before he transferred schools… Oh God, I don't know how to do this."

Rachel holds him tight when he cries and shakes. It's been ten minutes, and he has tried to get the words out, but it is so hard. There is a huge, solid wall holding them in the dark corner, that should never be opened to anyone. He has kept this in for so long, has build that wall around it specifically to keep him from ever telling anyone even in his most vulnerable, weak moments. It's like if he tells this, he will magically know and come do what he promised he would if Kurt ever told anyone. He is trying to push through, he is working so hard, but the wall is so heavy. Rachel hugs him even tighter and mumbles her encouragements in his ear. Just saying this one sentence seems too hard.

"He wasn't only bullying me… he.. he… once he…"

And he finally said it. Let those few words come out from their prison, and it didn't feel good yet, just tiring and scary, and he couldn't say more.

/

Kurt is glad when he gets to the Taekwondo training place - doj-something Blaine had called it. He sees Blaine in the hallway with another guy. It has to be Zach, Blaine's roommate, who is supposed to teach him a move or two so he can do them convincingly enough in the photos. The guy is wearing some sort of a white martial art uniform and is currently smiling widely and explaining something to Blaine enthusiastically, or at least there are a lot of hand movements involved. He is taller than Blaine but not unusually tall. He has dark blonde hair that is long enough to be tied back with a hair bobble. He is not traditionally handsome, though not bad-looking either, but he has a smile that gives you a friendly and relaxed vibe and his eyes have a glitter that tells you he knows how to have fun.

When Kurt gets near enough, Blaine notices him and waves enthusiastically, but there is some nervousness just under the happy surface, clearly visible. Kurt wonders if it's because of him and Blaine's guilt. Kurt is not sure about this but surprisingly he is not scared, he might even be a little curious. He smiles to the guys in greeting.

"Hey, Kurt! Great that you came! This is my roommate Zach…"

"DON'T SAY IT!"

"…Barney." Blaine finishes. Zach groans loudly and sends Blaine a death glare.

"Did you really have to?" he grumbles, but the smile is soon back as he turns to Kurt and says "Hi! You can call me Zach sahbum nim, or master Zach while we are here." He grins and Kurt already feels relaxed around the boy. He seems harmless and nice, even if he is asking Kurt to call him master. But, he guesses, it must go with the territory. "Welcome to our dojang!"

They spend the next forty five minutes in a biggish open room with a tatami floor and wooden walls. There are only small windows high on the walls. Some odd things Kurt doesn't know the purpose of are placed here and there around the walls. First Zach gives Kurt a white dobok and a red belt and helps him to wear it properly. Kurt feels weirdly powerful in the uniform. Zach has brought a training dummy in the middle of the room and he shows Kurt how to stand in a proper fighting position and kick the dummy in the stomach. Kurt doesn't really master the position or the kick but in the end Zach desides that is looks close enough that it can be convincing in a photo if you're not an expert.

It is a weird forty five minutes. Zach is happy all this time, patiently showing and correcting him, and joking all the while. Blaine is sitting near the door on the floor, not speaking much anything but watching closely, unless he is fiddling with his camera, supposedly finding the right settings for the environment. He himself is quiet and serious, wanting to learn and not really feeling like joking at the moment. Doing this has brought him back to the reasons why he wanted to do this photo shoot in the first place and he wants to give it his everything.

"Okay, Blaine, your time to step in! Kurt is officially ready for action!" Zach shouts at Blaine, who hops up and gets to them quickly, looking unnaturally awkward and flustered, like this time it's him who wants to escape the place. Kurt tries to smile to him a little, to say that it's okay. Blaine seems to shake himself as if to prepare for a run and then takes his camera and starts pointing Kurt around in his usual way. Kurt can feel Blaine is still tentative but now he has direction and they can do this.

Kurt starts to kick the dummy and Blaine starts clicking the photos. Sometimes Zach points out some mistakes he does but mostly they do it in silence. First Kurt concentrates to make it look good in the photos. After a minute, though, Kurt kind of forgets that this is supposed to be a photo shoot and consentrates on thinking it's Karofsky standing there, Karofsky who dared to touch him without permission, it's his best friend who sold Kurt's biggest secret for popularity, it's every person who has ever tormented him and made fun of him, it's the whole world for being unfair and letting him down at every corner; and it's his own weak self there that he wants to kick for being so pathetic, always letting all those people put him down, always running and hiding. He sees his own face on the dummy like in a mirror and kicks and kicks. Somehow there are tears falling down his face and he forgets the correct ways and just kicks and hits the dummy and lets out tiny shouts, almost sobs, but so desperately angry. He cries, but these tears are him fighting, not running, they are him trying to stand up, not him falling down.

When he suddenly feels like there is no real fight left in him, he stops and falls on the floor leaning against the dummy and lets the last remaining tears fall quietly, breathing heavily and trying to catch his breath. He feels Blaine sit next to him, very very carefully touching his shoulder. Kurt looks around quickly and even through the haze of tears he sees that the place is empty, that Zach has left them at some point. He is thankful for that. He lets himself fall on Blaine and Blaine wraps his arms around him, swaying them both slowly. There are no words for a long time, and Kurt is not really crying anymore either, just feeling safe there and letting the peace of another warm body come over him.

When he opens his mouth to speak again, he is ready to let it all out, he is ready to tell Blaine everything. He can tell himself it's for Blaine, but really, whatever he will say now is all for himself, it's him finally opening the door wide, walking through it and taking down the walls like they are only strong from one side and now that he has access to the other side they can be ripped down like paper curtains. He can let it all free now, so that it will finally lose it's overwhelming power over him.

"I want to tell you what happened. Can I…please let me tell you."