067 - I love you

I guess this is how it feels like to drown in guilt. That's what goes through Blaine's head as he walks out of Kurt's apartment building, after locking the door behind him and putting the extra key to it's hiding place. Kurt's words had been harsh, cutting his skin almost, but what was worse was that Blaine truly believed that he deserved them. How could he have been so stupid? The surroundings fade a little, out of focus, as he walks on and tries to keep himself intact. He hopes Kurt is okay, that he is not doing something stupid somewhere, because he knows how devastated Kurt must feel right now. He hopes someone is taking care of him. His words and the hollow look in his eyes had been enough for Blaine to know how deeply losing the book really had hurt him. They are both such a mess right now, but unlike usually, there's no way either of them could help the other now. He had been the one to hurt Kurt, no matter how unintentionally - it doesn't matter now, how sorry Blaine is, because it can't restore the damage. Maybe the worst is that Blaine understands - he would have left himself too.

His phone rings, and he almost throws it to the concrete wall beside him as he realises it's his mother. He just doesn 't have the energy for that now. He answers anyway.

"Hi," he breathes.

"Hey, dear! How are you?" his mother's voice is falsely cheery, like it's been lately, when she's sincerely trying to connect but doesn't know how to do it. And Blaine just can't do this mockery of a parent-child conversation. Not now, when absolutely everything is falling apart. The raw sob comes out of his throat before he can stop it.

"Oh, darling, baby, what's wrong?" And there is the mother he remembers from early childhood. The mother who cleaned his scraped knee and blowed the wound better. The concern and love are so obvious Blaine has to believe it's true. It makes Blaine lose control, as he stops to lean against the wall and lets the tears fall.

"Mom…" it's a whispered plea. He hears his mother's voice hitch on the other side, out of compassion, and it makes Blaine let it all out. He tells his mom how he has been so afraid to lose Kurt, how there's been a weight between them for a while, and how this afternoon he destroyed the single most important thing Kurt owns and how Kurt had left, saying that he couldn't stay with him. He tells it all to the mom he remembers from years ago, the mom who was the center of his universe and was never wrong.

"He asked me how I could do it, with such a cold voice, even after I s-said it was an accident, and it was so painful to see his eyes so empty.. and mom, he said it was like I had k-killed him! And I guess.. I g-guess I did, because he said he lost his mother all over again, because of m-me, and that I can't be there for him for that." As he finishes with a sharp intake of breath, he just hopes the mother he has confessed all this to will not change back to the awkward one he barely knows these days. The worry is for nothing, because she's his mom, and he guesses, when a mom hears her son's heart breaking, there's nothing they would let stop them from trying to help, not even years of misunderstanding.

"Oh, darling boy.. Blaine dear.. I'm so sorry this happened." Her voice is full of care, and tears. "Just remember that it wasn't your fault. It could have happened to anybody, it could have happened to Kurt."

"It's like his mother's love personified to him, I doubt he would be so careless," Blaine's edging on sarcasm in his desperation for some comfort.

"Oh, but accident happen. That's how life works, honey. He must be devastated, and he has a good reason for it, but it doesn't help if you take all the guilt for his pain." Her voice is so devastatingly tender, and he wishes Kurt could have told him this, that it wasn't his fault. But he won't, because it isn't so easy for Kurt to forgive as it is to his mom.

"You didn't hear him, mom.. I'm pretty sure he h-hates me for it."

"Honey, he said some horrible things to you, but that's what people do when they lose something so dear that they can't handle it. It doesn't have to mean he meant it, I don't think he was even really aware of what he was saying. You know how I work in the ER, darling, and I've witnessed so many cruel things said and done to loved ones, when the loss is too immediate and too personal to care about anyone else's feelings beside your own."

"Are those really comparable situations?" Blaine hopes so badly that what his mother is saying is true. That this is the explanation for Kurt's words, not that Blaine fucked up so badly that Kurt hates him for it.

"I think they are, dear," she explains in a voice that only a mother can manage, a voice that fits around him like a blanket or a full body band-aid. "If the book really was what kept his mother's memory alive for him, this must feel like her dying all over again. I think Kurt needs some time now, to figure out how to keep believing in her love even without a physical reminder.. And it might take a while." Blaine let's out another sob, for relief or for pain, he's not sure.

"Blaine, darling, I'm not saying that how he handled things with you was right, or that you can't hurt because of it.. But people don't always do the right thing when they're hurting and in shock.. And it will hurt you more, if you take his pain as directed towards you. It's not your fault, honey, and he would have been faced with this sooner or later, regardless. It's his pain to deal with, and I'm sure when he gets over the worst, he's not going to be blaming you for it."

"So.. so you think we'll get over this?"

"Oh, honey.. I can't promise you that everything will return to the same, or that you two will get back, but baby, try not to be so devastated. From what I've heard, you two seem to be so good for each other, and that kind of love can survive a lot of battering. And even if it doesn't, you need to learn to believe that it's not all your fault. You are not the devil in this, no one is." There's apology in her voice, like she's sorry that she can't do more to help. But it has already been so much more than he could ever have asked for, from anyone, let alone his estranged mom. The honest and caring words, the comfort of her tender advice.. it makes all the difference.

"Thank you, mom," he says, voice breaking a bit, and it's the most honest thank you he's probably ever said to her.

/

A few hours later he get's a text from Rachel, of all people. He wonders what she's got to say, as she's probably the one taking care of Kurt right now. God, he just hopes Kurt is all right, or at least somehow coping and getting all the help he needs. After his mother's call, he has realised he isn't the right person to help, as painful as it feels to admit, because he had been the one to start this avalanche, and he might just make things worse. Kurt needs time away, time to figure things out without him around. And maybe he'll figure that he can forgive Blaine for what he unmeaningly did, and maybe not, but it needs to come on Kurt's terms. And maybe Blaine will survive the wait, and maybe he won't, but it's his problem now. His phone beeps again twice, and he resigns to opening the messages.

Hey, Blaine. I hope you're ok. Kurt wanted me to tell you that he's with me and that you shouldn't worry. -R

I think what he's trying to say is, you shouldn't blame yourself and that he's sorry he ran off like that. -R

I think he's just trying to not do the same he did the last time he ran, by letting you know where he is and that he's not mad at you. -R

Before Blaine can reply, there's one more message.

Oh, and part of the deal is, if you want it, I can keep you updated, so you don't need to worry about him. -R

Thank you Rachel. Are you sure that's what he wants, really? -B

Personally, I would be hating you for this. But Kurt asked me, and I will do everything he needs to feel better. He says not to blame you, so that's what I'm doing. -R

Thank you for that, too. You're a good friend. Just tell me if he's doing ok and is safe. I hope that, whenever he's ready, he'll share the details with me, because he wants to. Just tell him I'm sorry. -B

He knows you're sorry. And he's hanging in there, it's painful to witness, but for what it's worth, the hard part doesn't seem to be you dropping the book but him mourning his mother. It'll take time. -R

Somehow Rachel 's reluctant forgiveness makes Blaine feel marginally better. Which doesn't mean very much as the guilt and the pain he feels for Kurt's loss is still so overwhelming he's fighting to breathe under it. But he's hanging on his mother's words, and the implied message from Rachel that at least Kurt doesn't hate him, but instead cares enough to worry, through all his sorrow and loss, that Blaine is hurting. Blaine knows exactly how much effort it must have taken Kurt to even do this, and it makes his heart ache with the confirmation of Kurt's love that this is. Strangely, even if it makes it more painful, it's also just a little comforting. If he ever gets past the guilt and Kurt gets past the pain, maybe they'll have some hope. It's faint yet, this early into everything, but it's there.

Zach comes back a while later, and Blaine tells him the story, lets everything out for the second time, this time knowing that the listener is going to be physically there and would never leave him in need. Zach is the perfect friend anyone would be lucky to have, holding him close when Blaine feels like he's breaking apart, and letting him wet his shirt with the painful tears that won't stop. Zach doesn't offer many words beside the comforting nothings, not until much later, when Blaine's been able to let all the worry of the previous weeks and the pain of this day out in the open, and the feelings are not so drowning anymore. He refrains, until Blaine sits back on the bed, wipes his eyes and asks Zach the crucial question.

"What should I do now?"

"Do you want my honest answer?" Zach sound a bit wary.

"Of course, why?"

"I'm not sure if it's too early to say this, but.. I think what you need to do is to get up and focus on the exhibit. If Kurt gave you the permission to go with it, I think you need to concentrate on it, and make it the best damn exhibit you could." Blaine nods, it makes sense. "Kurt is going to need time and meanwhile, you need to hold on to your own life. I think… oh God, this is going to sound cruel, but.. I think this might even be good for you."

Blaine pulls away so fast he almost falls of the bed. The betrayal he feels in his friends last words is almost frightening.

"What the fuck do you mean, good?! There's nothing-"

"Blaine, listen to me before you blow off. I know it sounded horrible, but what I mean is.. I know you have a problem with being afraid that your loved ones abandon you if you are not useful for them. But that's not the way relationships work, and it sounds it was already a problem before today. Now he's gone, maybe for a while, maybe for good, and you need to learn that it isn't because you failed him. You need to learn that if he comes back after this, he's going to come back because he loves you and he cares about you, not because he needs you and you're doing things for him. I feel so bad that all of this happened, but I think you should take this time to work with the issue. You can't build a real relationship, if you can only trust him to stay when he's dependent on you. And I would never have wished something like this to happen to either of you, but now it happened, and you will need to live with the fact it did happen."

Blaine doesn't want to hear Zach's words and he really doesn't want to believe in them, so he pushes Zach away from his bed and turns his back to him, facing the wall, like a child with a temper tantrum. How does his friend dare to say all that, like he knows so much better than Blaine, like he's mocking Blaine's pain, saying he deserves it almost.

/

Later that night, he gets one more text.

I love you -K

It's not a promise. It's not an apology, neither offered nor accepted. But it's simply a truth, in three simple words, and no matter what comes out of this situation, no matter if there will ever be Kurt and Blaine as a unit again, it's still true.

I love you, too -B

And maybe Zach hadn't been so wrong to say what he said. Because, apparently, love can exist, even when there's no reason for it.

068 - It's just human

The first hour after Kurt leaves Blaine in his apartment is a mess, all-encompassing numbness pierced erratically with sharp-edged, cutting pain. It seems like the pain of the loss is too immediate, too deep to feel for long, so his body shuts everything down instead. Until some errant thought gets through again. It is like he told Blaine, he feels like he's mother has died, or maybe he himself is the one dead, it's hard to keep those separate. He walks, because it gives him something to do, but it's not like he has some real destination. He walks aimlessly, and in hindsight he's thankful that he had been going towards the metro station and Rachel is returning from her dinner out with friends just then, because it's Saturday evening and wandering alone without realising where you are or what you are doing in this neighbourhood probably isn't the safest thing to do.

"Hey, Kurt! - Kurt? Kurt?" She shouts, and Kurt is present enough to realise someone is calling him, and register it's his best friend, changing from happy to nervous in seconds. She's the one he only now realises he really needs, now that he can't go to the one he would normally go to when he feels like falling. Blaine can't be there for this. That's the only clear thought, besides the fact, that his mother's book is gone and with it his dreams, his mother and himself. Otherwise it's just a downwards spiral of loss and wrong. He feels Rachel's warm hands caressing his cheek, and he wonders why, until he realises she's wiping away tears he hadn't even noticed he had been crying. Then she wraps her arms around him, and he lets her hold his body intact, hold his balance, and he's never understood how strong the small and petite Rachel really is until now, when she's the only thing holding him up and intact.

He lets Rachel help him in a small coffee shop that's still open, and brings a steaming mug of coffee in front of him. He drinks when she tells him to, and he doesn't notice the taste but he can feel the warmth it gives to his cold body. He's pretty sure Rachel hasn't spoken much, if at all, and the small part of him capable of feeling something else besides the loss is grateful for that. He gets out a sentence, eventually, not very coherent but enough to make Rachel understand that The Book of Dreams is destroyed and that Blaine had something to do with it.

After a while she asks if Kurt is ready to walk, and for some reason Kurt feels he might be - it's like Rachel's precense is already helping, making him realise he isn't so very alone in the world after all. They walk slowly back, holding hands as if to bind them two together against all the bad things that have happened and can happen in this world. She smiles to him, a sad smile that says she's going to be there through anything, and it helps him to breathe.

/

Rachel is telling him to do what he normally does when there's an immediate panic or pain. "Concentrate on the simple things, the easy things, Kurt," she whispers, sitting next to him, and he knows she would hold him if Kurt would accept it. He needs to somehow make sense of what happened, but before that he needs to actually survive this feeling. So he does what she says, thinks about the simple things like heartbeats and the sounds of the street below, but when he starts to think about natural, Blaine's face is the first that comes to his mind. Blaine, who he needs so bad, because he's the one who Kurts's learned to lean on, whose love he's learned to count on.

"I want Blaine," Kurt breathes out and Rachel offers to call him and ask him to come, but Kurt says no. He says no, because Blaine is not a simple answer anymore, Blaine is the obvious but wrong answer, because along all the need and the yearning comes the too vivid image of Blaine's hand slowly losing it's hold on a notebook, despite him never even seeing that happen. And with that comes the resentment, the almost hatred, the blame he wants to lay on Blaine for being so careless, for letting it happen. And immediately follows the desperate guilt for feeling that, because he knows, knows with all his heart, that Blaine did not mean it and is hurting over it just as much as Kurt is. Which doesn't make anything better, because he doesn't want Blaine hurting, he doesn't want Blaine to feel hurt over this, even if that small dark part of his brain - the part that feels like he's dying - says it's what Blaine deserves. But no, he hates the idea of Blaine hurting and feeling guilty, because he knows without a doubt that that's what Blaine is feeling right now, and suddenly he can't stand the thought.

He tells Rachel to write Blaine a message, to keep him posted and tell him to not worry about Kurt, to not blame himself so much, because he wants Blaine to know this but he can't do it himself as long as there is a part of him thinking that this overwhelming feeling of loss is Blaine's fault.

And that is why Blaine can't be the answer to get over this. He realises he needs to talk to someone who understands, but who isn't a part of this. And there really is only one person.

/

"Hey, kiddo, is everything ok?" Burt answers his call, with a slightly concerned voice, and if he just knows something's wrong. Kurt didn't even know he was ready to talk, as he hasn't said almost anything since he met Rachel, but with his dad's warm concern it all comes out, fast, unstoppable. He tells everything to Burt and to Rachel, who's sitting there next to him holding his free hand, and it's so indescribably freeing to just speak. It's like he gets the first breath of clean air after being buried alive. He realises that explaining everything that's been going on and what happened today, saying it out loud, makes it just a bit smaller, just enough to be a little more manageable and not so out of control. At some point, Rachel leaves with a small smile, and Kurt is left with just his father's gentle words, that tell him the world isn't over and that it's not actually as bad as it feels now. From someone else the words would feel patronising, but his father has lost his mother just as much as he has, so Burt has the right to say that even if no one else has.

"Do you remember your mother's wedding ring? You used to sneak into our room to hold it and look at it, after she died." His voice is tender, and like it's a beginning of a story.

"Yes," Kurt whispers. He doesn't know where this is going, but he also trusts his father enough to know it's worth hearing.

"Do you know where it is now?"

"..No?"

"Well. I don't know that, either." Burt's voice is sad but calm, accepting the truth.

"Wh-what?"

"I lost it. It was in her dresser drawer, like you remember, but I tried not to think about it too much as it was a too strong a reminder.. So, when Carole moved in and we gave the dresser away.. I never remembered it was still in there. Not until much later. And for a while I felt like I had betrayed her, that my forgetting had killed her all over again in my memories. But do you know what I learned, Kurt?"

"What did you learn?" Kurt's whispers again, voice small and weak, hoping for any kind of assurance or comfort.

"That even though it was her wedding ring, it was still just a ring." The voice is so achingly tender, it feels like healing to Kurt. "It was a symbol of your mother's vows to me. But it was just an object, just a symbol. I lost the ring, but I didn't lose my memories or your mother's love." Kurt takes in a shuddering breath, because he's starting to get where this is going.

"It hurt like hell and I hated myself for losing it. I was so ashamed I didn't even dare to tell you. And I still am so, so sorry I lost it. But, I learned to accept it, because I can't get the ring back, but I can't let that change the way I remember her and carry her around in my heart." A short pause, probably for Kurt to prepare himself for the next part. "And Kurt, buddy, your mother's book is just as much only an object. Granted, it's probably the most meaningful object you've owned, it's the biggest symbol of your mother's love and all the things she wanted you to have in your life. But it's still just a book."

"It hurts much more than losing 'just a book' though," Kurt says, wanting to challenge, because calling it just a book is just a little bit too much for him.

"Yeah, I know. I know, Kurt, I really do. I'm not saying it shouldn't hurt. I know losing it reminds you of her death, and you lost something you can never get back. But you didn't lose your mother's love, Kurt, you could never lose that. She loved you so much, and she wanted so much for you, after your birth she filled her own Book of Dreams with more dreams she dreamed for you than she did for herself. She gave you the book, because she wished with all her heart that you would get everything you ever wanted in your life. She wanted the whole world for you, Kurt. That hasn't changed."

"But.. but what about my dreams.. they're gone, I can't read them anymore."

"Oh, but, Kurt, you can still dream. Maybe you won't remember everything, but you will remember the ones that truly matter. You're allowed to dream even if your book is gone. You are still allowed to fight for your dreams and believe in them. "

"I promised her I would always keep it," Kurt lets out with a sob, because he's broken such an important promise, and it's painful, no matter what his father says.

"No, you haven't, not really. Not until you stop dreaming, Kurt, because that's what she wanted you to promise." And Kurt can't quite believe it's that easy, not yet, but the words are slowly seeping through his body, and they make him feel that much more alive again, gives him the feeling of hope that he had momentarily lost. Which brings back the other part of his loss.

"And Blaine, dad? What- …how-" and he doesn't even know what he's really asking.

"Blaine had an accident. He made a mistake. And I'm pretty sure he's feeling really bad about it." His dad's voice is loving, but also neutral, like he's trying not to push Kurt for any thoughts now.

"Yeah, I know, and I know he didn't do it on purpose, but…"

"But you still blame him?" There is no accusation, just simple acceptance.

"I…. I don't want to blame him. He didn't mean to do it, and he's so sorry, dad, he's so sorry. And yet, I just can't forgive him," Kurt says, and it feels like a stab into his own body, and to Blaine's at the same time.

"It's okay, Kurt. You can't forgive him, not yet at least, and there's no right or wrong about that, it's just human. You feel like a human being does, and you don't need to feel bad about it. You are allowed to feel."

"But I don't want to, dad. And at the same time, I feel like it's the only thing I can feel. I'm so messed up."

"Buddy, it's more than understandable to be messed up after something like this. It's devastating to lose something so important. But when you are ready to think about it, you should really think whether you are ready to give up Blaine, the guy you sincerely love based on what I've heard from you, only because of this. And there is no right answer to that, Kurt. You need to figure out whether this is something you can forgive, either sooner or later, or if it's too hard to ever get over. Give yourself time to get over the pain and the loss, because even if it's just a book, it still hurts, I know. And then take some time to figure what you really feel and what feels like worth your effort. And just know that me and your mother will always love you. Don't let this put you down, you are a survivor."

/

When he thinks about the conversation later, he remembers two things. He still has his mother's love, and he is a survivor. When he thinks about Blaine, he can feel the love still there. His love is not an answer to his questions, not as long as Blaine's name is still connected to his hands, which are connected to a falling book, but it's something he can't and doesn't want to deny. He can't go back to Blaine as long as that feeling is there, and maybe it will always be there. But he still loves.

If all this has shown him something, it is that no single person can be counted on to always be there for him, that there is always going to be a time when that person won't be there. When Blaine won't be there. And he wants to prove to himself that he can survive this kind of fall alone, that he can truly get over this and find himself again without anyone's support, because he needs to know that he can count on himself. And only if he finds he can forgive and forget what Blaine did and only if he learns that he can indeed count on himself to survive, only then he can go back to Blaine. But there is still something he can tell Blaine, and that is why he sends the text with the simplest yet most important message of all.

I love you -K

069 - The exhibit

"The first sight" - A shot of an angelic boy lost in thought, flooded with natural light inside a library.

Blaine looks at the large print, trying to see what he saw then, when he didn't know a single thing about the boy. It's hard, because he knows so much now. It's been two weeks since he dropped the Book of Dreams and since he last saw the boy in real life, instead of just in these photos. It feels longer than that. He's felt almost every emotion in the book since then, changing from anger (towards who or what, he's not sure) to hurt to guilt to apathy to some kind of acceptance and back to pain again. It's the last day of the exhibit and he feels strangely calm. He just wants to go through it once more, before it's taken down. He walks over to the next photo.

"I want to see the future like the lady in the circus." - Kurt, all in white, surrounded with candle-light.

He had been so unsure that day, so timid and scared, ready to run at the first loud noise. He has changed so much, the determination to be strong and survive slowly but surely winning his fears. Blaine has been thinking a lot these weeks, like Zach had told him to. He has thought about his own fear of losing Kurt, and how that had made him clingy and annoying even in his own opinion, and how it had only worked towards building a wall between them. He's starting to see how destroying it could be to their relationship, if he didn't learn to trust Kurt's own want to stay by his side. It would be hard to get over his insecurities, but he would work his hardest to do it, if Kurt would ever decide to return to Blaine.

"21. I want to be the president of the USA" - Kurt sitting in front of the US flag, all suited up and official looking.

No, not like that. He would try his hardest to work on his issues, if Kurt would come back, and if he would tell Blaine that he really wanted this, wanted them, not only needed it because Blaine was helping him. If Kurt would come back and say that he could forgive and forget what Blaine didn't mean to do but did anyway, if he would promise it in a way that would dissuade Blaine from his own feeling of guilt. If Blaine could see the sincerity and believe it, and then let himself trust in that belief. It would have to be a two-way street, hard work and sincerity from both of them.

"37. I want to learn to do martial arts." - Kurt, the most vicious Blaine's ever seen him be, hitting the training dummy in his taekwondo outfit in the unforgiving fluorescent lights of the dojang.

This was the shot his parents had admired the most, saying Kurt looked so strong, so fierce and determined. Blaine knows Kurt's like that because of all the pain he was feeling, but his parents don't know that, they only saw what was before their eyes.

His mother and father coming personally to see his exhibit had been a surprise. Blaine had spent numerous hours in the exhibit hall every day, listening in what the occasional visitors where thinking, sometimes telling them he was the artist, sometimes pretending to be just another curious passer-by. That's where his parents had found him, just a few days after it was opened, hugging him and telling him how proud they were. It had been stilted, awkward even, especially with his father, who didn't know how to act around him, and he was wondering if it was because of the phone call with his mom earlier or because they were seeing in person for the first time since Christmas. It wasn't all natural with his mother either, but her hug was warm and comforting, and full of the words she didn't quite know how to say aloud.

He had shown them around the room, and they had praised Blaine's skills and Kurt's skills as a model, all the while skipping around the subject of the unresolved situation between the two boys. Blaine was glad and a little sad at the same time. But they had stayed for the night, and the next day, and his mom had found a time alone with him to just talk. She didn't have much to add to her advice, but instead she had held him tight and kissed his forehead like she hadn't done in such a long time, and it had made the visit so worth it. And when they were leaving the hotel back to the airport, his father had hugged him too, and the awkward pat on his back had spelled Blaine the support and acceptance he didn't know how to show otherwise. It had been a good visit, despite the fumbling around and Blaine feeling down. It had salved a lot of hurt, giving Blaine a sight of what could possibly be, in the future, for their family.

"33. I want to be one of the cool guys." - Kurt leaning on the bar, cigarette in his hand, looking so much like a confident player he could have got anybody fooled.

Blaine remembers that day, how so much had gone right and then so wrong, how they both hadn't yet understood each other at all. How much they had misunderstood things, Blaine thinking Kurt was too fragile and didn't want his advances, and Kurt thinking Blaine had found him unattractive and rejected him. So much had changed on that front too. They've learned to read each other, to know each other well enough to know how they react to things, how they feel about things, how they act when they are angry or hurt or insecure. They've learned what the other needs when they feel those things. Blaine's learned that Kurt sometimes needs his time alone and Kurt's learned to accept the help eventually. Kurt's learned that Blaine can hide his insecurity behind his confidence and has learned the right words to get through that and make Blaine feel better about himself.

And suddenly he really hopes they will find away around all the bad things, because that understanding, that mutual support, it's worth a lot. It's might not be easy, but he's pretty sure it would be worth it.

"70. I want to be fluent in some exotic language." - Kurt an Aino in their own comic strip, with the bubbles on their heads spelling the conversation that very few of the visitors of this exhibit would understand.

Friendship. They had made friends too, during this project, first with each other but then with others, as well. Kurt had met Aino and slowly she had become Blaine's friend too. Kurt had met Zach, and those two had hit it off surprisingly well after Kurt got over his inhibitions around the outspoken guy. Blaine had somehow reached a mutual understanding with Kurt's best friend and room mate Rachel, despite all her quirks. And perhaps one of the most beautiful accidents, Aino and Zach had met each other, and found a partner in each other, against all kinds of odds. Blaine doesn't know what will happen to the group of friends now, if Kurt and Blaine won't find each other, but he's thankful for ever having them anyway. And like his mother told him, he's not going to lose his hope just yet.

"13. One day I want to be in the space like Neil Armstrong" - No clear face this time, just a slight silhouette just identifiable amidst the dark black, riddled with stars.

His Night sky, literally. The beginning of their relationship, the moment they agreed to be boyfriends. To the people who don't know them, it must look like just an free interpretation of a boyish childhood dream, but to Blaine it's the visual image of the silly but important nickname. They had been so happy but so much had still been going on then, in Kurt's head. Bad things.

"12. I want to be a mermaid like Ariel" - A shot at the bottom of a swimming pool, Kurt with a mermaid's tail, surrounded by the random objects and looking so serene.

Serenity that in hindsight had been a lie. One of the worst things Blaine has ever had to think about in hindsight. His own happiness and the way he had sincerely believed Kurt was just as happy, when in reality the boy had been forcing himself to do things he wasn't ready for, literally pushing through his fears to give Blaine something he thought Blaine wanted. He never wants that to happen again.

"55. Sometimes I just want to hurt them like they've hurt me." - Kurt with the blindfold on, holding the two words like a sword and a shield, telling a tale of protecting yourself against the world.

He remembers how Kurt forced himself to do this photo shoot, how uncomfortable he had been with the blindfold, and how he had lied about it all when Blaine asked. Until it all had exploded the day after. He remembers that last time Kurt had run away from him, because something scary happened, and he can see the resemblance to what they are going through now. But he can also see how different the two times are. This time, Blaine knows exactly why Kurt is gone, knows exactly what is hurting him. And he also knows and has accepted that it's better for Kurt to be away from him now, no matter how hard it might be. This time, Kurt has taken Blaine's feelings into account, giving him a chance to know how Kurt is doing and that he's relatively ok, through Rachel and through that single text message he sent the first night.

Rachel has been sending him texts almost every day, not telling any details as per Blaine's own request, instead just letting him know in various different wordings the same thing. That Kurt is coping, safe, and doing a little better every day. It's a relief, even if it doesn't really tell anything Blaine doesn't already know. But that was never really the purpose of the texts and Blaine knows it. They are more of a symbol, they're Kurt's message that he doesn't have any ill will towards Blaine, and that he needs time but he hasn't forgotten him. That he can promise no kind of happily ever afters, but he's trying and he hasn't given up yet.

He steps around the room, looking at the next few photos. It's haunting, to see these photos laid out. What he sees is growth, growth of their relationship and of Kurt's courage and determination. They make him realise how he really doesn't want to hold Kurt back - what he really wants is for Kurt to fly high, and just hope that Blaine would be taken on the flight. He really wants to trust.

"I want my fairy god mother to come and tell me I'm a lost prince and then she brings me to a big castle and I have tea parties with the other princes and princesses and they all love me" - All their friends, looking so happy and content, drinking tea in the playground in their Disney princess and prince outfits.

It's so innocent, just like that moment in time had been for them, a small breather between hard things to solve. It had been beautiful.

"57. I want to fly so high no one can touch me." - Kurt on the roof top, wind in his hair and surrounded by all that open sky.

How much that photo symbolises Kurt's own quest for freedom in his life, how hard he has worked to get there. And it's still a dream, even as a figure of speech, for Kurt to fly so high that nothing can touch him. Because there's still a lot of things that can and will touch him and pull him down, like his Book of Dreams being destroyed (by his boyfriend of all people, Blaine adds, feeling the surge of guilt again) a good example of that. But Kurt is strong, and with or without Blaine, he knows Kurt will get up and heal his wings and rise back up there.

"I want to be an elf and live in the forest forever" - Kurt in the snowy Central park, in all his elvish glory, looking so detached and above it all.

How even his childhood dreams translate to being strong and unyielding against any difficulties.

"One day you'll all work for me" - Kurt sitting in a chair, feet on the table in the retro office, and an evil boss expression times hundred on his face.

His beautiful, beautiful Kurt, who had been so broken inside, so unsure of himself, and still so many of these dreams are dreams of grandeur, of superiority, of getting out there and showing them all. And he will. Blaine knows he will. As he looks at these photos, really looks at them, he knows without a doubt that Kurt will get over this setback, in one way or another, and he will show everyone in the world just how strong he really is.

"102. I want to rebel against the rules and all that's good and proper." - The horribly bad, messy photo with Kurt and Aino being and looking ridiculous, the picture making no sense at all even as a humorous shot.

The last photo that breaks all the rules. That breaks any boundaries that might have been left. He wishes Kurt would have come to see the exhibit, if not for anything else, then to see how many barriers Kurt has broken through, how far he has gotten. And how it had been all him, how it was all because Kurt had been courageous and strong enough to do it.

Blaine hears someone entering the hall. He turns around, and sees the person whose face he has been staring at for the last half hour, standing there, flesh and blood. His heart jolts, and he knows this is it. This will be the moment that either makes or breaks them. He's not prepared, he's so horribly unprepared for this conversation, but he's going to have it, anyway.

"You came," he lets out and his throat feels dry.

"Yeah. I came," Kurt says, smiling weakly, and it's so small and tentative and unsure, but so very real.