064 - Thoughts he can't completely ignore

Time seems to go faster as the exhibit gets closer, at least to Kurt. The exhibit seems to get bigger too, a bigger event, a bigger deal, than it felt like before. He knows that technically he could still back out, but it feels like a done deal, and if he stopped it now, it would ruin so many things for so many people. Especially for Blaine. It's just too late. He's pretty sure, if he had the option, he wouldn't even want to stop the exhibit from happening, but the feeling of not having that option is scary, and makes the whole thing a lot harder to take than it would otherwise be. If he had the chance to still say no, he might even be excited about it, but he feels out of control of the situation, and it makes him helpless. Yes, he had decided that he would not run away from things anymore, and he doesn't want to - but the reality where he actually can't run feels just a bit too much.

Things have been slightly off for the two of them, lately. It's nothing really noticeable, there have been no fights, no hurt feelings, no uncomfortableness between them. It's more just a bad feeling. Though insignificant in itself, the meeting with Adam in NYADA had started a chain of thoughts that Kurt can't completely ignore, no matter how much he wants to. Before, it hadn't really even crossed Kurt's mind that someone else besides Blaine could even be interested in him. It was such an absurd idea still, that he can't really fathom it, but he had been offered another path to take for his life, another option. And it left Kurt thinking. It wasn't even about Adam, specifically, because he wasn't interested and it's not like he would choose anyone over Blaine. But the truth is, he's scared that he wouldn't be able to choose anything, if he didn't have Blaine.

It had made him think, what his life would be like without Blaine - not if he'd never met him, but if he lost him now - and Kurt just doesn't know if he would even have himself or a life without Blaine. He's feeling like maybe it's all thanks to Blaine that he has changed, and maybe he would just fall back to the skeleton of a person he was before, if he lost Blaine now. Having accepted Blaine in so completely and irrevocably, letting himself fall in love and be loved, made him also more vulnerable than he had ever been. It was worse than when it was him against the world, because instead of a million enemies, Kurt's happiness is all in hands of a single person now, no matter how perfect that person might be for him. Life hasn't given him that many reasons to trust faith, and Kurt is plagued with the idea, that he can't trust himself anymore, either.

If a day would come when Blaine wasn't there anymore, Kurt just isn't sure if he would survive it. And it's different from before, because when he was alone, no matter how miserable he was, he still held the strings of his fate in his own hands. Now, Kurt is happier than he has probably ever been and has gotten more than he ever thought he would, but in exchange he fears the strings are now in someone else's hold. As he gets more and more, he also has just that much more to lose. He doesn't really fear that Blaine would get bored and leave him, not anymore. The questions just wont leave his mind. Is this all because of Blaine? Is my better life all dependent on Blaine? It's a valid question, because he hasn't experienced this new him without Blaine, and so, he can't trust it would even exist independent of his helper.

The helplessness of the photo exhibit doesn't really help, and combined together, it's just a lot. He has told Blaine about his nervousness about the exhibit, but not about this other worry. It's not because he doesn't want to, he's just so afraid, that if he voices his worries now, he could make it all fall down, and he doesn't want to risk his happiness. Because he is happy, so happy, with Blaine and their friends and his new dreams that he hasn't dared to believe in for a long time. He's so happy it makes him afraid. And it's not even that simple, because this time his problem isn't about their relationship and what is, instead it's all about the what if's.

And also, this time it's not only his problem. Maybe he would have talked about it all with Blaine already, but lately Blaine has been so touchy about things, almost clingy in his affections, and while it makes Kurt feel cared for, he can't help but feel that there is something else behind it, something that isn't just Blaine's love for him. Kurt thinks, getting into all of that right before the exhibit, amidst all the stress they both have because of it, would be searching for the kind of trouble that they just might not be able to handle. So he's going to save that talk until later.

The calendar says that it's the first day of March. It means that there's less than three weeks until the opening night and Blaine suggested they should do one more photo shoot for the project. Blaine's coming over to discuss it at any moment now, and Kurt would be happy about it, because doing these shoots is fun, but somehow he's feeling a little off. Like he just doesn't feel like doing a new one. He's not excited, not like he usually is. If he's honest to himself, it's probably because the exhibit is already so close that anything connected to it feels tainted. But Blaine wants to do it, and it's not like they've ever been anything but good for him, so he's going to at least try to be excited. Maybe it won't be so bad when they get started. And for a while, it isn't.

"Hey, darling," Kurt smiles and pulls Blaine for a light kiss hello.

"Hey, Night sky, how're things?" Blaine's voice is easy and affectionate, as he kisses Kurt back, and it makes Kurt wonder why he would ever think there is something wrong behind that kind of simple caring. When Blaine smiles to him, excited and happy, he can't help but smile back. They sit down and eat dinner, before Kurt goes to get the Book of dreams so they can try and find the subject for their last photo shoot. They laugh at some of the sillier ones, before Blaine gets that flash in his eyes that tells he's got an idea.

"What is it?" Kurt smiles, because Blaine's enthusiasm is always a little bit infectious.

"This one! '22. I want to live on a tropical island.' We should do that."

"What's the idea?" Kurt asks, so that Blaine can get to the rambling explanation that's inevitably coming.

"Oh, I can just see it in my eyes, we could build an island out of clothes and laundry baskets and stuff, and then make a palm tree out of a coat rack and green blanket, and you could be there in swimming trunks or something. It could be like a child's play pretend -game, because we can't actually get you on a tropical island, but we could make it so cool it would be like any kid's dream playsetting.. So kind of a dream come true there, too. What do you think?"

Honestly, Kurt doesn't know. The idea sound fun, and he knows that just two weeks ago he probably would have found it wonderful. He still does, because it's honestly a great idea and he knows it would look nice. But the uneasy feeling of the looming exhibit is still there and it's not going away, no matter how hard Kurt tries, even if there is no logical reason for his unease. It's not like this shoot would change the exhibit one way or another, and it really isn't a bad idea. It's just hard to separate the insecurities and worries about the exhibit from planning a new photo, currently, and he just can't get excited.

"Um…" Kurt's hesitation is easily readable, and Blaine's face turns slightly disappointed and hurt.

"You don't like it?"

"No! No, it's a really good idea, honestly." Kurt smile comes out just a bit forced. "I just.. I'm not really feeling it today," he shrugs. Blaine's eyes turn worried.

"What is it? Is something wrong?" Blaine pulls Kurt closer to offer comfort in a very Blaine style. Kurt leans into him, because it's admittedly a very good style.

"No… I just." He sighs into Blaine's shoulder, because it's hard to explain something you don't really get yourself either, and when you don't want to make your boyfriend worry about something you can't change right now anyway. "You know the whole exhibit thing is a bit hard for me, and I'm not handling it as well as I thought I would."

"You said you were feeling a bit worried about it.. And I understand. It stresses me too, and it is a big step for you, I know." Blaine's voice is understanding, and Kurt can practically hear the unspoken question, if he wants to call it off, after all. The question he suspects Blaine doesn't dare to say out loud, because it would be a really bad thing for his future career to cancel it now, when it is already so close and the library has already paid half of the printing fees of the A3 photo copies and the flyers. It's the same question Kurt won't answer, because he knows he could never do that to Blaine. He wouldn't take back the permission he had given before.

"I just hoped making this photo would maybe get us both feel a little less stressed," Blaine says, some kind of questioning hope in his voice.

"Yeah, I get that.. I'm just. Not feeling it I guess," Kurt sighs.

"Is it this idea in particular? Because we can think of something else, too."

"No, like I said, your idea is great. It's just… I don't even know." It's just the knowledge that I couldn't cancel this thing even if I wanted, because I'd be hurting you.

"Well, maybe we could still try? Maybe it'd feel better once we get to it?" And there's the small feeling again, like Blaine is trying just a bit too much for it to be normal.

"I thought so too, so I didn't say no before, but I just don't feel right. I know it could be fun, but it just doesn't feel like a good idea, now." Kurt is starting to feel a little frustrated, because he doesn't want to give in and do something he doesn't feel comfortable with, but he can also hear the slightest hint of desperation that tells Blaine might need this more than he lets on.

"How can you know, if you don't try?" Blaine's voice is just encouraging, but Kurt huffs and pulls away slightly anyway. He can't help the growing feeling of annoyance, even though he knows Blaine would never really force him into anything.

"I just don't want to, ok?" Kurt asks, and he means it to be neutral, but it comes out frustrated. And just like that, Kurt sees Blaine take a mental step back and shake his head like to get out of this strange mood he had gotten into. He pulls Kurt back against him with tender arms, and whispers to his ear in an apologetic voice.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed. I just wanted to help you."

"I'm sorry I snapped, too. But believe me, I don't think a photo shoot would help me right now." Kurt's tone is back to friendly and soothing. "Didn't you say that they only asked for three or four more? We already have three, so we don't really need any more, right?"

"Right. I.. I guess I'm just nervous too. I'm sorry I pushed you, I should have believed you the first time when you said you don't want to do. It's ok, we don't need it, and I would never want to ruin our photo shoots by making one, when one of us doesn't want to do it." He feels Blaine press a few soft kisses against his neck, and he knows that, whatever it was, is over now.

The problem is, that it's not actually over, not really. Because this little not-quite-a-fight didn't really solve anything, it just made Kurt feel even stronger that there are some issues they really need to air, both he and Blaine. Because even though it never became a fight, was barely nothing at all, there has to be a reason why Blaine would try to push him like that. It wasn't normal, not something Blaine would do without a good reason. But no good reason had come forward this time, just like Kurt didn't give any good reason for his reluctance. But now is not the time, not this close to the exhibit. Maybe after, it would be safe to talk.

065 - Losing a hold of

"So, how are things with Aino these days?" Blaine asks, looking up from his book at his best friend. He and Zach are having a study night at their room for a change and those usually always change into more or less serious heart-to-heart talks between the two of them, when studying starts to get boring and they need a break. Plus, Blaine is starting to get really curious about his two friends and their situation.

"It's been great, really. She's still awesome, and who knew holding hands and kissing could change so little and so much at the same time." He grins back, half a joke, half an honest declaration.

"How so?" Blaine asks, intrigued. Zach's face turns to contemplative, like he's really thinking through his answer.

"Oh, well. We were good friends before and we're still mostly doing the same things as before the whole asexual meeting incident. There's a bit more touching involved, but it's not like we are having sex or anything, so.. But then, knowing that we have this new kind of connection, caring about each other more deeply than friends, it's huge. Because, it's like I have this other person, who I can trust to be there for me, understand me and invest in me,kind of like a friend, but so much more, because it's a special bond just for us two." Zach's smile is almost uncharacteristically tender at the end of the little speech, and Blaine can see how important Aino is growing to be for him. And he can understand, at least mostly.

"I think I get it. The special bond you explained, it sound an awful lot like what I feel for Kurt.. And otherwise too, because we were friends before as well, except of course the whole no sex thing.." They both chuckle at that, and Blaine knows that of course it's not totally the same, because sexuality is a big part of a romantic relationship, so a completely platonic romance is always going to be something Blaine won't fully get. But he can understand the beauty of them finding each other, and that's the most important thing.

"How is that, by the way? Is she like you too, or does she have any kind of.. urges… for the lack of a better term. I guess there are not just one kind of asexuals out there?" Blaine smiles a bit ruefully at his slightly teenage-y mature wording.

"No, uh.. well, I don't think it's a secret, so I guess I can tell you. But she's actually not asexual."

"Oh? She's not?" A pause. "So, how does that work, then..?" Blaine asks, surprised, trying to ask about Zach's earlier worries, without actually asking. Zach is smirking though, so it mustn't be such a sore subject.

"Well, in her own words, and I swear this is a quote, 'that's why they invented masturbation'." Zach draws the quote marks in the air, and Blaine burst out laughing, because it sounds exactly like something Zach would come up with and nothing like anything that comes from Aino's mouth.

"I guess I'm starting to rub off on her," Zach shrugs, as an explanation, before he gets more serious again. "She says sex just isn't that important to her. And I know I used to worry about dating someone who isn't like me, but.. She says she's ok without sex, that she doesn't need it to be content, and I've chosen to believe her. She came to the meeting; it has to mean at least something, right?" Zach asks Blaine with a small smile, and the unspoken question of whether it's going to last is there, but it's something Zach seems to have accepted. He's glad Zach's okay with it, and even though there is that little uncertainty, it seems things are okay for the somewhat unusual couple. Blaine's also projecting a bit, thinking about his own insecurities about losing Kurt, and momentarily those worries feel a little smaller than they normally are. Another question comes to his mind, when he thinks about losing people.

"But how about when she has to go back to Finland? She's going to return after the semester, right?" Zach's smiles falls a little, but it gets back to normal almost immediately, with just a small sense of sadness lingering.

"Well, she's going to stay here for the summer, at least. And I think a long distance relationship could work better for us, when it's non-sexual anyway.. Also, she told me there are some programs taught in English in her university, and college is tuition free even for foreign students there, so I might end up with an exchange year of my own," Zach gives a small grin. Blaine smiles at his friend, with both sadness and happiness in it. It's not going to be easy for them, but he also believes that if somebody, those two could make it work. And the image of Zach on the frozen streets of some city in Finland seems surprisingly.. plausible.

/

Blaine never quite got past the realisation he had when Kurt texted him about that guy in NYADA. It's not because of the guy, as he knows Kurt hasn't even heard about him since, it's about the fact that Kurt has changed and the truth is that Blaine is not needed for his help anymore, not in the same way, and it's hard for Blaine to accept. Before, Blaine felt he was important to Kurt in so many ways, he helped him with the project and also with his issues about intimacy and trusting people. He has no delusions about who did all the hard work, Kurt had done his changing all by himself, but Blaine had been there for him, supported him on the way, even pushed him on and made him believe in himself when he was faltering, and it had given Blaine a sense of security too. As long as he was useful, he was also important and wanted. But now, when Kurt's got so far already, Blaine doesn't know how long it's going to last. It makes him feel oddly vulnerable and insecure.

It helps that he's reconnecting with his parents in a new way, as he gets to see that they didn't in fact give up on him, but it also doesn't help, because he can see how awkward his relationship with his parents has become after he decided that he's not going to please them anymore. He's afraid that Kurt and he will change to, and not necessarily in a good way. So, he's been pushing himself onto Kurt, not intentionally and he's tried to stop it, but he can't completely. On one hand he's trying to figure out ways to help Kurt, even when his help isn't particularly needed or even wanted, and on the other hand he's been overly close, just so that he would remain important for Kurt.

And, at the same time, he's noticed that Kurt has been distant in some way, like there is something on his mind that he's not sharing. Blaine can see it's not because he has a problem with their relationship, because it's not hard to see that Kurt is still happy and comfortable being with him, but there is something he's holding back, and for once it's something Blaine can't read. It makes him nervous, and all the more determined to keep a hold on Kurt before he can fly away from him again, which makes him push harder. It's a bad kind of circle that they can't seem to escape, and the worst is, that Blaine doesn't even know if Kurt is acting strange because of Blaine's pushing or if Blaine is pushing because Kurt is acting strange, or if the two issues are unrelated.

All of that might have been solved so easily, but it seems like they both are pushing the issues under the rug while the exhibit grows closer and closer. Leaving them be for the time being might work too, but the problem is that the rug under their feet seems to get lumpier and more unstable to walk on as time goes by, and it's putting a strain on their relationship, even as they desperately try to avoid it.

Blaine is also worried about Kurt, who seems to be really freaking out about the exhibit, even though he refuses to even talk about cancelling it now (which Blaine is secretly really thankful for, too). Kurt's nervousness and panicking is putting Blaine slightly on edge, because frankly, he's nervous about the outcome as well. It's his work, out there for everyone to see and judge, and even though he's waited for this to happen for so long, it's also a really big deal and he really doesn't want it to turn out to be a flop.

And after all this waiting and walking on their toes to not hurt their relationship while all this stress is pressing on them, it seems their relationship is already hurting. Not on the surface, because Blaine knows and feels they both still love each other and they are still comfortable with each other being there.. But all these things gathering under their feet is just starting to make their footing much shakier than it should be. It makes Blaine afraid, that any small thing could push them just enough to make them fall, no matter how peaceful and pretty the surface feels.

It's finally only two days before the exhibit, and Blaine is at Kurt's place, on his own for once, waiting for Kurt to return from a quick visit to the grocery store. He's washing the dishes after the dinner they made together. It seems like they both know there are big issues that they are currently pushing off, and it feels like an unspoken but mutual decision, and as if to compensate it, they are doing all these small domestic acts, like offering to wash the dishes or to stop by the corner store to get some toothpaste. Which is what they both are doing right now.

Before dinner, they had been copying all the dreams from Kurt's book that were used in the photos, to use them as the name tags for the photos in the exhibit. It had been a last moment idea Blaine had got, to copy the words exactly as they were - be it the colourful and shaky writing of a primary school Kurt or the much neater cursive of the college student Kurt. The lady responsible for the library exhibits had loved the idea, and Kurt had agreed, albeit a little hesitantly. Blaine is sure it would look great. That's what he's thinking when he pulls the plug out to let the water drain from the sink.

Afterwards, Blaine has no idea what made him do it. He doesn't even think about anything, the book is just lying open on the kitchen table, and Blaine has to wait for the sink to empty of the dirty water (the plumbing isn't the best in the building, so it drains slowly), so he picks the book up and flips the pages absent-mindedly while he waits. Then he notices there's still a single spoon in the water so he picks it up, just when someone from downstairs decides to turn on the TV with full volume. The sudden sound makes him jump, and his hold on the book is just a tiny bit too weak, and he watches in horrible slow motion as the book slips from his fingers and falls into the dirty water in the sink. It seems to take forever, before he hears the horrifying splash, as the Book of Dreams, the notebook on which Kurt's late mother wrote with her own hands the nickname of her beloved son, the book which contains all Kurt's dreams painstakingly written down, sinks under dirty dish water with chunks of food in it.

Blaine frantically digs the book out and despite his desperate attempts to dry it, he sees how the words have smudged off, pages falling apart, colourful ink seeping through paper, and it feels like he's just lost his hold on something much more than just a book.

066 - Not quite wood

It's two days before the exhibit, and Kurt is pretty much freaking out. School is giving him some stress, which is minimal, but still there and not helping things. The exhibit is swiftly becoming reality, and all the fears about it that he thought he could handle, are getting stronger. And it's not like those fears would be impossible for him to overcome, but he always knew this was going to be hard for him. He thought Blaine would be there to support him, and he is, of course, but all the not speaking is making it work less well. And his fear of losing Blaine, and losing himself if he ever did lose Blaine, is not getting any easier as he can't speak about it to Blaine. At this point he feels he would really need the talk, but all the stress and hidden feelings have made such a big pile, that it makes him feel like he can't talk, right now, not until after the exhibit has started at least. The pep talk he gives himself about waiting until the stress is lessened isn't really calming him down as well anymore, but he feels a little helpless, because he doesn't know what else to do besides waiting. He can see the puzzle pieces, that were so neatly together before, slowly easing out of their places, and he just wants to keep the picture intact.

As he walks out of the corner store, he's glad he can do this kind of little things, at least, to keep some kind of balance in their relationship. Working together to copy and make those name plates for the photos had been surprisingly nice, and it eased his nerves a bit to actually do something, but now it's done and the nerves are back. It was nice to make dinner, too, and it made him believe that the two of them would survive this, but after he left for the errant, all the doubts creep in. When he's with Blaine, he has no doubts that Blaine is worth it all, worth the stress and suffering through this strain currently on their relationship, because Kurt truly believes that they are strong enough to get over it. But when he's left alone, the belief is not that strong. Somehow he can't trust the feeling of rightness so well, when Blaine is not physically there to remind him, how good he feels to hug and hold close. It's going to be fine, just a few more days and you can talk it all through. He tells himself the same thing over and over again, and it makes him feel slightly better. Just hold the puzzle pieces together, until you have time to get the glue. He's worth it.

He's got himself mostly convinced by the time he gets to his apartment door. He shouts 'hello' from the door as he slides it open, and the lack of answer is slightly disconcerting. He gets to the kitchen and the first thing he notices is Blaine, looking extremely distraught and tears in his eyes. At first comes the worry, because something really bad must have happened to make Blaine so wrecked.

"Oh God, Blaine, what's wrong?" Kurt says, and runs to pull Blaine to a comforting hug. Which Blaine barely reciprocates. And that's when Kurt really knows something is badly wrong, not just for Blaine but for them as a unit. He can't think of a reason why Blaine would shy from him if he's sad about something, that doesn't concern Kurt. He would be seeking comfort, not shying away from it. Then he looks up from Blaine's shoulder and sees something on the table, lying above sheets of newspaper.

"Blaine…" he pulls out from his arms, slowly, warily. "Is that…" no, no no no, it can't be.

"Shit, Kurt, I'm sorry, so freaking sorry!" Blaine cries, putting his face in his hands, and Kurt desperately wants to comfort him, hold him, make him feel better - but he can't, because something that looks very much like his notebook, but so fundamentally wrong, lies on the table. He takes another careful step, towards the table this time, almost against his will as he really doesn't want to see, but he can't stop himself.

And it is his notebook, the only thing left that was a personal gift from his mother, open on the table, and it's just so wrong. It's wet, not just the cover but all over and through it. It's filthy too, and the words are blurred and smudged if not altogether washed away. It looks like the book itself is crying, and Kurt dully wonders if he should be crying too. It's gone, destroyed. His dreams are washed away like they were nothing but that.. just words. He feels foolish, for some reason, and betrayed. He's half in denial too, not daring to believe it's actually there and not just a nightmare.

"What- what happened?" His voice sounds hollow even to his own ears. It's scary. Blaine seems to crumble just a bit more at that, and then he's pressing his hand lightly on Kurt's shoulder.

"I.. I don't even know. I looked through it while waiting for the sink to drain, and I dropped it, I have no idea how it even happened, but God, Kurt, I'm so sorry, and I know it doesn't help or change anything, but please, please believe I feel so bad about it.." Kurt makes a tiny step to the side, just enough for Blaine's hand to fall off his shoulder, and he's not really even aware he's doing it to get rid of Blaine's touch. He's not fully aware of anything. It feels almost like a shock, although he's not sure about the actual symptoms. He's eyes are frozen on the book, it's like he physically can't look away. Damaged. Irreparable. In a strange way, it's like he's watching himself there, like his own body had been drained of dreams, of his mother's memory and lingering love, of his hope for things changing. The new him is emptied. Left for dead.

"How…"

"I know, I'm sorry!"

"No, how.. how could you do this?" That seems to make Blaine pause, like the accusation hurts him. But it's not accusation, not really. It's just a question.

"It was an accident, and I feel so horrible…" Blaine says something else, touches him again, somewhere, but it all feels numb and distant, and the words are not registering. How could Blaine do that? Did he not understand what that book means to him?

"Of course, Kurt, of course I know." Blaine's voice is desperate, Kurt can hear it now, and he realises he must have let his questions out loud, but it's hard to concentrate what is said and what is not. He turns, but he can't quite look Blaine in the eye. It's like eyes would be too real for him to handle in this moment. Blaine being real is too much, because he loves Blaine, but this is too big to accept, let alone forgive.

"No. You don't. It's like you just killed me." Kurt doesn't even know where the words came from. They seem too harsh, but he can't control them. He hears Blaine's little sob though, way too clearly compared to the other sounds around, and he wants to say it's ok and don't worry, but he can't. Because it's not ok. Nothing is. How could he have believed that things would just be ok, if they hid the problems away? How could he be so naïve that he thought nothing bad would ever happen to him, if he was with Blaine? That Blaine could never hurt him, not even unintentionally? He's not safe, never safe, from cruel things, not even with the best person on the planet. Not even safe from him.

"I tried to dry it, but there's not much I could…"

"No, Blaine, there's nothing you could have done. It's too late." And Kurt's not sure if he's speaking about the book or about something else completely, and it scares him a little.

"Kurt…"

"Don't. " A deep breath, and Kurt's surprised to notice that it's shuddering and hitching in the end. "I was such a fool to believe things would just be ok from now on. There's never going to be a break, is there?" His voice is getting higher, and louder, and he wonders briefly, if this is just another effect of the shock he thinks he might be in, or if it's because he's coming out of it.

"Kurt, I'm so sorry." Blaine sounds so helpless. "But it doesn't have to mean the end of your dreams, you could always do another-"

"Another book? Like anyone could write Songbird on the cover and it would be just as well? Blaine," the name feels strange on his tongue, like just a bit stale, "I've been so afraid I would lose myself if I lost you, I've been so afraid that I will lose you, eventually.. But I never realised I would lose my mother, because of this."

"You haven't lost her, Kurt-"

"Yes, I have, Blaine. I lost her when I was eight. And I'm just now realising it." The words hurt his throat, make it feel disgusting and raw. Because they feel true. The most honest, painful truth, that no amount of photographs could change. He takes a step back, towards the door. It seems to startle Blaine, who wraps his fingers lightly around Kurt's wrist to keep him there. It's so loose that he would need no strength to shake it off, but the hold still feels like a prison. The whole apartment feels like one. Everything does.

"Please, don't go, let's talk," Blaine pleads him, tears still in his eyes and slowly coming out, and Kurt wants to say he'll stay, because Blaine hurting causes what is almost a pavlovian reaction in him to help. But there's nothing to help with. Kurt feels like he has nothing left to give at all, not even for himself, let alone for others.

"I can't stay" is all Kurt can say. He feels so empty. Maybe that's how it's going to be.

"Please. You promised you wouldn't run away again," Blaine asks, and his voice sounds almost terrified, but something feels wrong in that statement. This doesn't feel like running away, not the same way that he promised to not do. He promised to not run when he's scared to stay, but now he's not really afraid. He just can't stay. He doesn't want to.

"I'm not running away from my fears this time, Blaine. I just need to go." He let's out a laugh, that sounds scarily false even to himself. "It's funny, how scared I was that if something happened and I didn't have you anymore, then I would lose myself in the equation. Well, we'll see about that now, won't we?"

"What? You don't need to lose me, Kurt-" Blaine sounds heartbroken, and Kurt realises he never meant to say that, but it's done now, and maybe it's for the best. His voice gets a little softer anyway, for the next words.

"No, Blaine, I do need to. This is something I can't have you around for. I need to go." The words are coming out, and he doesn't even know if they make sense, but he needs to make Blaine understand. He's not exactly sure what Blaine needs to understand, either, which doesn't provide much comfort. He's not even really angry, he knows Blaine didn't mean it, would never do something like that on purpose, but it doesn't change the fact that it was Blaine's fingers the book dropped from, and it's just too much. So he leaves. On the doorway he remembers one more thing, and despite all the other horrible turmoil in his head, he needs to say at least this.

"I hope the exhibit will turn out well," he says, and he hopes it translates to 'Go on with the exhibit, even if I can't be there, and maybe, maybe I'll be there later.' Then he steps out, and thinks how the puzzle pieces are falling apart, made fragile with water, and he's left with soggy pieces of not-quite-wood in his hands.