058 - I'm not going to forgive you

Kurt feels like he's drowning. Sinking below the surface. Losing sight of the world he had just recently found, and falling back to the Kurt he was before he got out of Ohio and then out of the quiet corner between shelves 225 and 226. He's not sure how to breathe - that's probably why it feels like under water. The only thing is Karofsky's name, staring at him on his phone, pulling him down like a hand around his ankle. Then he feels arms tighten around him, impossibly pulling him up, standing.

"Let's get you home, ok?" And there it is, something to hold on to.

/

from: David Karofsky

to: Kurt Hummel
date: 2013-01-28, 17:32

subject: Hi.

Even as I write this, I realise you probably don't want to hear anything from me, but if you are still reading, thank you. I'm writing to you to say that I'm sorry. I'm not asking you to forgive me, or even answer me, although it would make me relieved. I just want you to know that I regret what I did and said to you back then. I hope you know I never really meant it, when I said I would kill you, I was just a scared boy. Saying it was still wrong, and I apologise. I wish you could understand me. I was so scared of being outed, I had no idea what was going on with my head and my body, and I had all those urges and all the disgust towards myself, and I just lost myself in the process. I'm not proud of it, but that is what happened. I wasn't brave like you, so I stayed hidden and bullied others to keep myself safe.

You might wonder, why I'm writing to you now. I've been in therapy, and I went there on my own accord. I knew I needed it. It was hard to admit, and I'd probably never have done it, but I found a guy in college, and he's perfect, and he's taught me to accept myself, and that I need to face my past. My therapist never told me to write to you, in fact she said I shouldn't bother you any more, but I wanted to. I wanted to, because I remember how I left things with you. The last thing I said to you was that I would kill you, and I don't want to leave you with that. I want to leave you with me saying that you didn't deserve the things I did and I'm sorry. I really am.

That's all.

I wish you all the best.

Dave

/

He has read the letter for what has to be at least ten times. Nothing is clearing up, no matter how many times he goes through it. He doesn't know what to think. He doesn't know if he should be happy, or be angry, whether he should forgive him or hate him even more for sending the email. He doesn't know if he wants to answer or not, and if he would answer, he has no idea whether it would be to say 'thank you' or 'go to hell'. He doesn't know if he should still hold on to the fear or let it go now. He doesn't even know how he could believe Karofsky, no matter how sincere he sounds. He doesn't know anything. Absolutely nothing at all.

He lets the phone drop on the bed beside him and finally the tears come. He is still drowning,but this time it's more to the feeling of not understanding, of not even wanting to understand what this means to him, what this means to his feelings, to his future, to his past. It's not the same horrible feeling of losing himself as it was when he had seen the sender but not yet read the message, but it hurts just as much. It's just as suffocating. He cries for a long time, for the boy who feared for his life for months, years even, as his bully went on with his life and apparently learned to accept himself. He cries for the boy who learned the lesson of never defending himself so well, just to hear that his teacher now admits to being wrong. He cries for the boy, who suffered through so much, just to earn a casual apology by email.

It's almost worse than no apology at all, because the email makes his bully a human being, who is capable of forgiving himself and becoming a better person, when Kurt has been left with mere scraps of his own self to work with. He cries, and it's more painful than anything else that has happened during the last months. It's more acutely painful than even the thought of losing Blaine had been, because at least he had had Blaine once, and if he lost him, it would have been because of his own doing, or because things just didn't go like they were planned to go. But this… this feels like he has lost himself, anf a big part of it has been because of Karofsky and what he's done, and now he's expected to decide whether he can forgive that or not. He doesn't want to make that decision, but now he has no options. Karofsky has changed himself from a monster to a human being, and now Kurt has to decide whether he can be a good enough person to be able to forgive, or to refuse to forgive and hold on to the hurt. He hates Karofsky for it.

But it's also good, hate is good, it's a feeling that is not aimed to hurt and diminish himself, it's a feeling that protects. This is the kind of painful, that makes him feel sorry for the boy he has been and still is, and makes him understand that the hurt wasn't all his fault, It makes him want to tell that boy, himself, and others, that he doesn't have to always be so broken. Even if what he is doing now is grieving, and it hurts like hell, grieving also means he has accepted, that there are things he has lost and that it's not all his fault or because he's weak or pathetic, but because the world is unfair and cruel and things happened to him for no justifiable reason at all. He doesn't understand, but he's starting to realise it's good that he doesn't, because now he doesn't understand why he had to endure the bullies and the hatred and the betrayals. There is no explanation anymore, no words telling him how he is just stupid enough to deserve it, or it's because he's too weak to fight back. There is simply no reason for him to understand and accept.

And then there is Blaine, silently offering him a glass of water. Kurt knew that he had never left, but his presence hadn't been important enough to register until now, because his hatred and grieving is for him only. But now Blaine is there and he can take the water and drink it, and it's enough to tell Blaine that Kurt is glad he's there, and tell Kurt that Blaine is always going to be there, if Kurt needs him to. Kurt doesn't need Blaine for more, not yet, because he needs to go through his thoughts. But knowing he's there, somewhere, never leaving far, is good.

And suddenly it's just a bit more clear to him again. He's breaking the surface, and the storm is still raging, but at least he can breathe. He can breathe, because he has himself, he has his future, he has Blaine and others who are there for him and believe in him, and what is most important, he has endless new days to prove that he really has grown back from that skeleton of a human Karofsky and others reduced him into. Karofsky had no right to write that email to him and he hates him for it. But what he hates even more is the way he had needed those words to finally feel this overwhelming sense of relief and being safe , being worthy of safety even. He hates it, because he doesn't want to need anything from him. He doesn't want to need anything from the guy who hurt him so badly. Karofsky does not deserve the possibility to make Kurt feel better in any way. That's a job for people like Blaine. And hate, hate is such a healing emotion, when, for once, it's not directed to himself. He revels in it.

It takes a while, but then he finally raises his hand from the little ball he has wrapped himself, and Blaine is just immediately there, taking a hold of it, even though Kurt hasn't even raised his head yet. God, how good it feels to let someone in. Someone who has earned the right, proved himself worth the trust. He pulls Blaine towards him, and Blaine wraps himself around Kurt so fast that Kurt has no doubt Blaine has been wanting to do it all this time and only not having Kurt's invitation had kept him away. Blaine's arms are tight around him, and he's glad he has them now. The grief is his only, but the recovery is for Blaine and him together. It's time to accept the help.

/

Two days later Blaine finds Kurt wrapped in a blanket on his bed, once again immersed in his favourite book. He's read it from cover to cover during after Karofsky's email, and now he's absently thumbing the last page. He's been staring at it for fifteen minutes, lost in thought.

"What are you reading?" Blaine asks, though he obviously has no doubts of the answer. Kurt just shows him the cover and shuffles to the side to make some space for Blaine to sit beside him.

"You know how much I've relied on this book," he waits for Blaine's 'mhm' before continuing. "But I'm not sure if I believe in all of it anymore."

"What makes you feel that?" Blaine's voice is intrigued.

"This ending. How the old king and the ex-commander of his army just forgive their worst enemy, when he apologizes, saying that they've all done different things for the same reasons. The only differences in their actions are because they had different situations, different opportunities. The pirate stole and killed, because otherwise his people would have died of Commander killed his enemies to keep their country and his family safe. The King made others do it, because he had the chance to. It's the same survival instinct in everyone. But I don't know." A long silence. "Me and Karofsky.. the way he described himself earlier, it was like he was describing me, a scared and confused boy, but he had the option of staying in the closet. I didn't. I don't want to think I would have been like him if I had his life. But I'll never know, either." A deep breath. "But it doesn't give him the right to get my forgiveness. I admire the king in the book, but I won't be him. Maybe I should, but I can't, and I don't want to."

Blaine puts his head on Kurt's shoulder, and the weight feels like home. It feels like acceptance.

"I think I will write him back, though. Not for his benefit, but for mine." Blaine hums in acknowledgement. Blaine already told him before, that this is Kurt's decision to make, so he won't say anything, whatever Kurt chooses to do or feel. He'll just be there, no matter what. And it's everything Kurt could ever ask from him.

/

from: Kurt Hummel

to: David Karofsky
date: 2013-01-30, 20:12

subject: Re: Hi.

I don't think you ever had the right to write to me, but I'm glad you did. Not because you told me you're sorry, but because you made me realise that I'm not afraid of you anymore. I'm not going to forgive you, no matter how much you might hope it. But I'm going to forget what you did and said to me. I'm going to forget you. I hope you'll learn to get past it all and forgive yourself, even if I'm not going to. I hope you'll have a good life with the guy you love. But don't contact me again, because I don't want to remember you anymore.

Kurt

/

He feels it, now. The storm is fading, so slowly you can't even fully register it yet, only sense it in your bones, but it's calming down and he's still afloat. He's still hanging on.

When Blaine asks to borrow The Eyes of Ice from him, he doesn't even ask why.

059 - Who is this person?

"Hi, Blaine, honey!"

"Hi, mom. How're you?"

"Fine, I'm fine. And you, how's everything in there?"

"You know, school and friends… not too busy yet. All's good."

"Sounds nice. And.. and how's Kurt?"

"… He's good as well, thank you."

"That's good. And how are the photo shoots going?"

"Slowly, but it's still very good. Kurt is a wonderful model."

"I'm sure. And you two are still.. are happy together?"

"As happy as ever. "

"…Good. I'm glad to hear that."

"…Mom?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad you asked. About me and Kurt. Honestly."

"I'm just glad you are happy. We can be a little superficial sometimes, and.. well, in any case, you're happy and that's what matters."

"Thanks, mom."

"Have a nice day, honey. We love you."

"You too. And I love you too. Bye."

They're trying. Both Blaine and Blaine's parents are trying, especially his mom. After the talk on Christmas eve, they had never addressed Blaine's speech directly, and there were no apologies involved, but it almost felt like one, when Christmas morning during breakfast his mom asked him to tell about Kurt and how long they'd been together, and neither Kurt's nor Blaine's studies were mentioned. Blaine had told them about the exhibit, and though they had been excited about it, they had remembered to ask Blaine about the theme of his project and to show them the photos, and they had told him that Kurt was a handsome boy. They hadn't even asked to meet him, like they might have before, implying that they want to determine whether he's good enough for their son.

And now, when occasionally his mother calls, she has stopped asking too much about school and instead, starting to ask about his friends, or Kurt or his project. The calls are short, stilted and awkward, but also for the first time Blaine lets himself believe that she's calling because she really cares, not only to check on him. Even if they have no idea how to communicate, it's still better. Partly it's also because Blaine has allowed himself to see behind his resentment now that he can sense his parents are trying as well, and it's like they are trying to find a middle ground together. They're getting on, if not the absolute right one, then at least a better track.

/

It's been exactly one week since the day Kurt got an email from Karofsky, five days since Kurt had written him back. Blaine feels something has changed, something fundamental, something really big. And it's good. Those first few days were painful to watch, but after Kurt's answered the email, he changed. It's like Kurt had somehow decided he's not afraid of certain things any more. It doesn't mean he's suddenly doing everything he didn't before, of course not, but it's like there's some sort of inner courage, even confidence, that hasn't been there before. It's subtle, almost unnoticeable, but it's there, it goes deep and it is growing.

One of the things he's getting more brave with, now, seems to be intimacy. They had even got off together once, clothes on, but still. It had been wonderful. And when Blaine had asked about it, afterwards, Kurt had said that he won't let the fear Karofsky had made him feel to control himself anymore. He said what Karofsky had done had made him fear his own body and anything sexual, feeling like there is something horribly wrong with it, if it causes someone to act that way towards him. But, he continued, he doesn't want to be that way, and he knows now he doesn't have to. Kurt had said he wants to have it all with Blaine, eventually, and he doesn't want to just wait any longer.

And Blaine might have been doubtful, he might have wondered if this is just a repeat of last November,if Kurt's going back to denying things again, but Kurt's eyes had this fierce determination in them, rapidly taking place from the fear. He can see the fear is not gone, nowhere near to being won, but Kurt seems to simply refuse to give in to it any longer. He's challenging it, and this time Blaine believes it's purely for himself. It's like Karofsky's little letter had managed to pull all the defiance and rebellion Kurt had ever had on the surface. And it's almost funny, how a thing that had the potential to destroy practically everything has now turned out to be the one thing Kurt had needed to find some forgotten fighter from inside himself. But then again, Kurt is always full of surprises.

Just how big Kurt's surprises can be only becomes clear that Monday afternoon,tough, merely one week after the email and the rock bottom, when they do the next photo shoot in professor Kerry's office.

/

"I still think it's not even a real dream. It doesn't even start with the 'I want' phrase, or have a number." Kurt's voice is not serious enough for Blaine to think he doesn't want this, even though he's complaining.

"Yeah, well, you wrote it in your book so it's good enough for me." A slightly mischievous smile.

"It was written in the marginal! And with a cursive! That's my high school doodling for you. Not a dream," Kurt huffs.

"One day you'll all work for me" Blaine recites the dream for Kurt's benefit. "Maybe it's not in the dream form but the subject matter certainly qualifies," Blaine argues. "And, as it's pretty unlikely that all of the people you meant with it are actually going to work for you, it also qualifies to the impossible-to-make-happen category."

"Yeah, well, it's just something I wanted to say to the guys who threw me in the dumpster that first day of school, but never dared to actually say out loud. I just needed to get it out somehow." Blaine's heart twists just a little at how carelessly Kurt mentions such a cruel little tidbit from his memories. It's an ugly memory, and still it's not bad enough to hurt Kurt when he talks about it, because he's gone through much worse. Blaine doesn't say anything, though, because today is about making things better, just these shoots have always been, and Blaine doesn't want to ruin it by commenting when he doesn't have to.

"Well, now it's time to make it happen!" Blaine smiles instead. Kurt smiles back, and if it's a little tentative, it's still very real. "So take off your jacket, and get your ass on the chair!" Blaine makes a show of getting his camera out and ready. Kurt goes to sit on Theresa's comfortable-looking leather office chair, and raises his brown leather boots to cross his ankles on the antique desk. He rests his elbows on the armrests in a relaxed way that screams royalty, and takes the kind of facial expression that says 'I have the power to screw you all, and I'm just sitting here pondering, if it might strike my fancy to do so'.

Theresa's office is perfect for the shoot, because she has a really quirky sense of both design and humour, so she's decorated the room as if it's the office of a CEO from the 50's, not a young college professor. There's the huge antique mahogany desk, and the old typewriter on top of it, which usually is pushed aside so her laptop fits, but is now positioned in the middle. The walls are panelled, the book shelves made of dark wood, and there's even an old phone on the wall, the kind that has a separate receiver for your mouth and ear. With the thick red curtains pulled half over the windows the place is dimly lit and looks like the epitome of overly posh - and thus perfect for their shot.

Kurt is not dressed in a suit from 50's though - instead he has one of his more out there outfits on, with leather boots, skinny jeans and a long knitted sweater with what seems tens of zippers crisscrossing on it and a matching scarf to finish the look. His hair is done immaculately. The contrast between his modern outlook and the retro room just makes the effect of Kurt's utter superiority even stronger, as if no rules apply to him. It's a wonderful sight to see. Blaine has always wondered how the shy and timid Kurt always seems to forget he's anything like those adjectives during their photo shoots, always transforming perfectly into whatever role he has, but Blaine's starting to learn that somehow it's those are just glimpses of the real Kurt coming through - the Kurt that is brave, and ready for a challenge, and one hell of an actor.

After twenty minutes and 321 photos, Blaine is pretty sure he's got one of the master pieces of his exhibit. It might be because the photos are just that good, or because Kurt's look of superior confidence is breath taking, but Blaine's is not going to question it. "Were done!" he tells Kurt with a grin. He expects Kurt to transform back to his normal self, usually even more bashful after leaving whatever role he's been playing, but this time it doesn't happen. Kurt raises from the chair exaggeratingly slowly and walks towards Blaine, his haughty expression turning into a hungry glimmer and a dangerous smirk - and what the hell is going on? Who is this person? It's like a new track is playing on their imaginary boom box, and Blaine completely missed the change of the CD.

Then Kurt is in front of him, staring him in the eye in a way that almost scares him, and then says, with the utmost confidence his current character carries: "I'm ready."

"F-for what?" Blaine is feeling flustered, and he really wants to know what is going on, because whoever this is, it's certainly not Kurt. Kurt wraps his arms around Blaine's neck and leans forwards, and it's all so so slow, and then presses himself tight against Blaine, his smirk never leaving. Then his lips are brushing Blaine's ear as he whispers "Sex."

"What?"

"You heard me." Kurt's whisper is sultry and full of hunger, and it's so extremely foreign - and so fucking hot, too - but still so foreign it's unsettling, and Blaine doesn't know how to react. He's just waiting for the moment when the reality crashes and Kurt realises what he's doing and panics, or freaks out, or gets scared, runs away, or something like that, because that would make so much more sense, and Blaine can so easily see it happening in his head, based on all of his experiences with Kurt. He waits, and a few seconds go by in slow motion, but it doesn't happen.

Sure, Kurt pulls away, and the seductive devil is gone without a trace, but Kurt is certainly not panicking either. He's looking down, and his cheeks are red with embarrassment, but there's a small smile playing around his lips, as if the whole thing is funny too, and then he lets out an honest laugh. Kurt freaking laughs, and it's, if possible, even more alarming than the Kurt from ten seconds ago, because that was an act but this is almost scarily real. Kurt is really laughing, after saying something like that, and - wait, did Kurt just say he wants to have sex?

"Did you just say you want to have sex?" Blaine blurts, stupidly. It's like he's lost all his rational thinking, but who could blame him? And now Kurt is more himself again, blushing madly and shuffling and awkward, and Blaine's almost relieved.

"Yes?" It's like a question. "I don't.. I didn't really mean everything, like.. well, you know, but I want to try something more, and… and.. and I didn't know if I would ever dare to actually say that out loud without the role." he ends, awkwardly, but there's still the small smile hiding on his lips.

Oh. That actually makes sense, in some twisted way. And then - OH, Kurt wants to… ok. Ok.

"Did the role make you feel good, then?" he smiles, voice light, to lessen the nervousness in the air that's coming from them both.

"Yeah.. yeah, it actually did." Kurt's smile turns both wide and very bashful at the same time. "I felt like I could do anything. So I did." For a brief second he looks like he wants to run around in circles or something, to let out the exhilaration of that feeling. Then the reality of his actions seems to finally really catch with him, and the smile vanishes and he looks suddenly very scared and unsure again.

"I.. God, it was too much, wasn't it? I was stupid, and I probably looked so stupid, it was,right? So stupid-"

"No, it was not" Blaine says firmly. Then his smile grows playful. "It was hot." And Kurt's blush is really quite pretty, now that it's because of the good kind of bashful embarrassment again. "But are you really sure?" he asks, before he'll lose track of his thoughts again.

Kurt bites his lip. "Yeah, I am.. or, like I said, not everything, but…More. Something."

He knows Kurt's confidence might not last, but if he feels like he's ready for more, then Blaine will do his best to make it as perfect and comfortable for Kurt as he can. He already has a plan. He just needs to go and read some parts of The Eyes of Ice again, to make sure he gets it right.

060 - Don't be afraid

It's an exceptionally warm day for early February, as Kurt walks towards his apartment, and Kurt is second guessing what he's about to do soon for the millionth time. When he said he is ready, he meant it, and he still means it. But being ready does not mean he has gotten rid of all his fears, it just means he's got to the point that Aino once described to him as the desire is growing stronger than the fear. It had happened. After his talk with Aino, Kurt had wanted to do something more, slowly getting a taste of physical intimacy and it was delicious, it was wonderful, but there had always been something, that stopped him before getting completely naked or going all the way to mutual orgasms.

The truth is, it wasn't his fear of unknown and being vulnerable that stopped him - those feelings were there and still are, but they could be overcome if he just faced them, and in many ways he already has. But there had been something more. After Karofsky and his unwanted advances, Kurt had felt this horrible fear that Karofsky was going to come back one day, and if Kurt ever enjoyed anything resembling sex, he would know and find him. It wasn't rational, his first ideas of sex were just so deeply connected to the shame and fear he felt about Karofsky. And also, he had felt dirty, like Karofsky's had tainted him with his actions, so that if he ever was with someone in that way, he would infect the others, or worse, they could somehow see Karofsky on him and then think he wasn't worth their trouble. Intimacy, and especially someone else touching him and seeing all of him, had become interlaced with his emotions about Karofsky. Karofsky had never even gotten that far, but he had seen it in his eyes and heard it in his voice, that Karofsky wanted it, and that was bad enough. And so, Karofsky had always been there, when sex was involved, whether in a discussion or thought or dream or real situation. And Kurt had never actually realised it - until it was gone.

And though Kurt absolutely hates the fact that Karofsky had held so much power over him, he realises that it's gone now only because of Karofsky's email and apology… Not because he needed to hear the apology, but because he had said he's not going to come after him, and he has someone else he seems to love, so he won't be lusting after Kurt anymore. He had been already getting much closer, and half shedding his other fears, but the fear of Karofsky finding him had been there to stop things. But now he doesn't need to fear that anymore, and somehow, the stain of his bully was gone as the monster himself had dissolved into a mere human, capable of regret. So, now there are only those fears left that he can handle and trusts Blaine to handle as well, and suddenly sex isn't such an impossible thought anymore. It sounds something really wonderful, something he wants, even if it's still scary as hell too. But being afraid of your first time isn't so bad, he thinks. It's normal.

Blaine had told him this morning, that he would be there when Kurt comes home, and he has a surprise for him, something he thinks will help make Kurt comfortable. He had also said that no matter what he has prepared, it doesn't mean anything has to happen, it's just a way to try. Blaine got Rachel to stay away too, so there is no worry about being interrupted, either. He has no idea what Blaine's plans consist of, but to be honest, alongside all these doubts about whether he will be able to go through with it, he's also really intrigued.

When Kurt enters their apartment, he sees Blaine's shoes and jacket and knows he's there somewhere, even though Kurt can't see him. It's comforting, somehow. Then he sees a plastic bag on the table, with a letter attached to it.

'Night sky, I'm glad you're here. You told me you were ready to try something more, so here we are. I never want you to be scared while you're with me, so I wanted to give you some familiarity to ward off the unknown just a little. But please know, you can back out at any moment. Everything you do, you do only because you want to. You probably don't understand what is going on yet, but you'll see very soon. Just wear the outfit in the bag and come to meet me. Yours, Blaine. :)'

He opens the bag and finds a white, ancient Greek style white tunic. It's just a light, silky fabric that you put on by tying it around your waist with a belt and then connect the two parts together with two clasps on your shoulders. It's absolutely pretty, and also really weird, all things considered. He wears it anyway, because there must be a reason, and he wants to see it.

When he comes out of the toilet with the tunic on, he notices the lights have been turned off. The only source of light inside the apartment is a small flickering light coming from behind the curtain separating his bed from the apartment, and he knows that's where he's supposed to go. It's somehow exciting, it's like he's entered some other reality, a reality that isn't as scary as the real one, because it's a dream and it's safe. He moves the curtain and stops to take in the sight. He sees his bed, stripped and changed to white cotton sheets and plush pillows. He sees a single, old fashioned oil lamp, set on the floor next to the bed. He sees Blaine lying on the bed, eyes closed and completely naked, no covers on him. His own tunic.

Kurt's breath hitches as he recognises the scene. It's like an avalanche of emotions, the sudden understanding, and the wonderful feeling of knowing just how well Blaine gets him. Of course he knows what this is, there is no way he could not, because he has read this countless times in the battered pages of his old copy of Eyes of Ice, imagining that maybe some day he could have a beautiful moment like that with the love of his life. This is the scene from the end of the book, where Oosa finally decides Verraka is worthy of her and gives in to the love that they both have felt for over ten years. It's the scene where Oosa secretly walks into the sleeping Verraka's bedroom and wakes him up. It's the scene where they finally open their hearts, where they bare each other's souls and then bodies. It's the scene Kurt has always gone to, when he has been insecure, and scared of love and the ideas of the physical side of it, scared of the unknown. And lately he's been that a lot.

Kurt knows the scene by heart, and he knows what would happen next. He also knows that this isn't just role play. It has nothing to do with playing. This is Blaine giving him a chance to know exactly what is going to happen if he chooses to continue, a script to follow if he's unsure, and an easy way to back down, if it feels too much. It's also Blaine giving Kurt the position to keep control of the scene, to go to Blaine if he so chooses. It's all to make him feel less vulnerable.

He walks to the bed slowly, and sits down next to Blaine's naked form. He thinks that logically Blaine's nakedness should make him feel flustered and awkward, but somehow it doesn't, because it's all part of the scene, it's just a part of what makes this familiar and safe. He knows Blaine is not really sleeping, it's just an act. Blaine's following every detail of the book. It's beautiful. He watches Blaine for a while, and Blaine is beautiful, inside and out. And God, his body looks mesmerizing in the flickering light of the lamp, and he has time to just look, because Blaine is supposedly sleeping and it's Kurt's decision when or if he wakes him.

"Don't be afraid, you can't see in the dark like me and my tribe can, but it's just me." Kurt whispers the exact words from the book, putting his hand lightly on Blaine's arm. To be honest, it feels a little awkward, but it's somehow good, still. Kurt waits for the fears to come, but they're silent still. Blaine smiles at the words, like he knows exactly what they are, and slowly opens his eyes.

"How did you get the soldiers to let you in? They have strict orders not to let anybody in without my permission," he asks confused, continuing with the script. Kurt's heart flutters a little as he hears Blaine repeating the words from his favourite book by heart. But the rest of the script is not important, Blaine is. The whole thing is so weird and also weirdly beautiful. The fears have all somehow settled at the very back of his head. He has no time for them at the moment.

"Blaine, how…how did you know? To choose this scene.." A pause. "And shouldn't I be lying there with my fears and uncertainty and you the one who comes to me?" he asks, trying for a joke, but coming out insecure anyway.

"Oh, no, Night sky," Blaine smiles, "it had to be like this. It had to be you who decides he wants to do this. It had to be you deciding I was worth it. It had to be you telling me why you want this, you explaining why you trust me, why we both can let go of our fears and find each other this way." Blaine's voice is so caring that it almost hurts. How can anyone be this perfect for him, he doesn't know. How could anyone be more worth this, he has no idea. And now, he knows that according to the script it's his turn to make Blaine believe this is what he wants. And, he suspects, Blaine needs the reassurance just as much as he does.

"Blaine, I… You are so good to me. You've helped me so much, and I think if there is one person I could trust like this, it's you. Yes, I have no idea what I'm doing and it's scary as hell too, but this is what I want. You are what I want." he says, softly but with determination. Despite saying he's scared, Kurt is almost unsettled at how okay he feels about this, because it really does feel right. He wants to at least try, because how could he not? He wants to touch and feel, taste even, and Blaine is just there, so beautiful and confident, and suddenly it's no longer so clear to him why he should fear this. He feels a bit out of place, maybe, but nothing close to wanting to leave.

"Are you sure?"

"Well. If you know me well enough to do this scene for me… I don't think you could go wrong with the rest." he says, perhaps a little more lightly than he feels.

Blaine grins back and rises to sit next to him. Kurt had almost forgotten that Blaine is naked for a moment, but now he is reminded of it again. And just like that, the awkwardness and embarrassment are there again, and he feels flustered and like he should look away, but there's no real fear. Instead, a strong sense of desire is slowly creeping into him, because honestly, he's in bed with a naked Blaine and it's pretty awesome. Blaine kisses him softly and lets his hands wander to the small clasps on his shoulders. He raises his eyebrows in a question and Kurt gives a tiny smile and nods. They have been shirtless before, after all.

Blaine lets the fabric fall from his shoulders and presses his hand over Kurt's heart and then looks at him in the eyes. "You are so beautiful, Kurt. Perfect in every sense that matters." Kurt shivers against the touch and can't help the tiniest of moans getting out. He's so glad Blaine just said that, because he's dangerously close to feeling insecure about himself, but it's like Blaine just knows. Kurt thinks he could not possibly want Blaine more if he wanted to, in that moment. He could be so insecure, and he is, because he still has no idea what he's doing, but Blaine is too wonderful, too beautiful for him to really dwell on it. Blaine's looking at him, eyes so dark and full of the desire he can't hold back, and Kurt can't help but to feel it too. He wants him just as much.

"It's good that you didn't open your belt. I'll do it gladly. I have done it in my dreams so many times." Blaine recites Verraka's words, laughing at them a little, because somehow they are exactly what he thinks. When he gets the leather belt open, the light flowy fabric is suddenly just gone, slithering on the bed beneath him. And yeah, this is the scary part, and Kurt thinks he should freak out right about now, he can feel it in his bones as the knee-jerk reaction trying to come out, but there really is no reason to. There is nothing that isn't ok in this moment.