052 - Butterflies are so lucky

It's the last week before winter break and it's snowing outside. Kurt still has one or two final exams left and then it's time to get back home to Ohio for almost two weeks. He's been working on the last essays for the European literature class with Aino, as they both take the class together. He had found it a bit odd at first, that she would choose to study European literature in USA, but she had explained that she likes the different perspective and it was good enough a reason for Kurt. So, as they grew closer during the semester, they've also been working together every now and then, to exchange their different perspectives on the subject. It's interesting for Kurt to hear her point of view too, as she actually lives in said continent and has studied the history and culture a lot more deeply than Kurt has. Kurt has found out, that things like Hitler and the Russian empire are taught pretty differently in a country that has been part of Russia and has sided with Hitler during the war, albeit reluctantly.

So, now they're having their last study date to peer check their essays before handing them over, and they've been at it for long enough that Rachel has long since gotten bored of their discussion and put on her iPod while studying in her own room, as to not be disturbed by the two of them. They finally declare their essays finished and sit up on the bed they've been laying on with their laptops. Their grins are satisfied, because it's one step closer to winter holidays and a break from all the cramming and studying.
The coming winter break makes Kurt think about these last weeks after thanksgiving. It's been filled with a surprising amount of normalcy. He's studied a lot and had some dates with Blaine, nothing too fancy as they're both too busy, mostly it's just been the normal coffee dates, some study dates and one real date with a dinner in a restaurant and a movie last week. It's been simply nice, nothing too much or intimate, but simply comfortable, trying to relearn the other and find the right kind of basis to build their relationship on.

That's not to say that everything's been flawless and easy, of course not. There have been moments when Kurt has struggled with being honest and letting Blaine in and showing his insecurity and real feelings. There's been a few times that Blaine has not believed Kurt when he's said he's ok, and they've had a small quarrel over it. There even was one real fight about which of them was at fault for Blaine being late from his train back to campus one day. But all of these have been small enough for them to solve in a few minutes, or in the fight's case at least within the same day, so it's really been almost deceiving normal. There's one thing Kurt still doesn't know how to approach, though. Sex. Or being intimate in any sexual way. They haven't approached any new territory these weeks, they've kept it to light making out and touching only the perfectly socially acceptable body parts, like backs and shoulders and waists. That's not the problem, exactly, but it's closely related.

"Aino… Uh, um.. do you think I could talk to you about something?" Kurt asks awkwardly, already having second thoughts about whether it's such a good idea to talk about this with her. But he feels like he needs to talk, and he doesn't know anyone better he could talk to. It's not a subject he wants to discuss with his dad, no matter how close they are, and Rachel can be over-exaggerating and dramatic when she wants to and he definitely doesn't need that. And Blaine, just, no way. He can't discuss a problem with intimacy with the guy he has problems being intimate with. It's not that he doesn't want to be honest with Blaine, not this time, it's really just that he doesn't even know what he is feeling himself, doesn't know which feeling to trust, so he wants to clear his thoughts before he talks to Blaine. Their relationship is still so fragile that he doesn't want to ruin it by saying some careless words that may not even be the truth.

"Sure," Aino smiles warmly. She's really just such a good friend, Kurt thinks, and Kurt feels more sure about this already.

"Yeah, so… Sex," he blurts out and Aino let's out a laugh at his bluntness.

"You want to talk about gay sex with me? Sorry to break it to you, but I'm not exactly an expert," she chuckles. Kurt let's out his own laugh at the awkwardness.

"Yeah, no, that's not exactly it. More like… sex in general. Having it, being intimate, whatever." he explains, watching his own hands.
"Oh. Ok. Just go ahead," she smiles and seems ok with the subject.

"Well, I'll just go right to business… I have no idea what to think about the whole concept, or more, like, I don't know which feeling I can trust. You know, I've never done anything like that, except the whole fiasco before thanksgiving, and to be honest, I'm completely freaked out by the whole thing. I'm not.. that confident about my body and.. and it's just so scary, the thought of giving yourself up to someone like that and not knowing what to expect… And before, I used to avoid the subject completely because it just made me really uncomfortable, but now.. Now Blaine makes me feel things, but mostly I'm just so scared that I don't even know if I'll ever want it at all.. I mean, how can I trust myself that I really want it, if the reality of the whole thing freaks me out so much?" He huffs the last part out with a frustrated rush of air.

"Ok," Aino breathes out after Kurt's sudden outburst and then continues after silently thinking over something. "Ok. I want to tell you something, but first let's play a little mind game. Now, close your eyes and imagine that you are completely confident with yourself and you trust Blaine completely and feel totally comfortable being with him. Can you imagine feeling like that?" Kurt has closed his eyes and while he has some difficulties with it, his imagination is able to produce a version of himself who isn't afraid of his own body or being vulnerable or intimate. It's a really nice image, even though it feels pretty damn far from the reality. But it seems like a step to the right direction, that he is able to see this as something he could one day be.

"I can see it," he confirms, eyes closed still.

"Ok, now imagine you are kissing him, passionately." Kurt blushes but let's his thoughts travel freely anyway. "And then, he touches you in a sexual way, whatever you find hot. And keep in mind that there are still no body or trust issues and it's just the feeling and what you want and don't want to think about here. How does it make you feel? Do you want to take his clothes off and go with it? Does it make you feel aroused?" Kurt's face is furiously red and he peeks out of the corner of his eye to see Aino's face, but her eyes are closed too, not even faced in his direction, and he feels slightly more comfortable with this. Then he lets his imagination to really take over and just feel it. He feels a surge of strange excitement and want go through him, and it seems like an answer enough.

"It makes me feel good. I want.. It makes me want to do things, yeah," he confirms with a little shaky voice.

"Aaand that's all we needed to know," Aino says with a voice that clearly declares the game over. Kurt's sure his face looks confused enough that she starts to elaborate.

"Look, there's something you need to about my past. I've had sex, several times, but those weren't the best experiences of my life. And you know why? Because I never really wanted it, but I still went with it, because I thought that's what you're supposed to want to do. At some point, I had to face the truth, that sex was something I would only be enjoying with someone I really love - and forcing myself to it, repeatedly, even made it a somewhat unpleasant thing to me.. But what I'm saying is that, if I had done this same mind practise before being with any of those guys, I probably would not have felt the want you just felt. I've realised that sex to me is something that I would only want with someone I love and even then, it's not something that is really important to me. I'm not giving myself any labels, I'm sure with the right guy I would enjoy it, but it's not something I'm very passionate about. I'm just as fine without.

"So, even though the guys were nice and kind and gentle, it left me with some really bad memories, because I myself didn't truly want it. If you tried to have sex with Blaine right now, you would probably make bad memories too, because you're not ready and you are still very afraid.. but underneath all that, you just saw that you do want him, so I'm sure there will be time, maybe not even that far away, when you will be ready and then you will really want it. So, I'm just saying, don't push yourself faster than you're ready for and never, ever force yourself to it, if there are any bad feelings tied to the moment, but also trust yourself if you do feel the want. You are allowed to want it, and once you two get to a point where you are ready enough that the want wins over the fear, I'm sure you will have no problems with wanting sex and enjoying it with him." Aino's voice has been small, and gotten a bit emotional in the more personal, harder parts, but she ends her speech with a reassuring, gentle smile, and he takes a hold of Kurt's hand to squeeze it. Kurt feels pretty overwhelmed by it all, but it's given him some answers he has really needed.

"I- I don't really know what to say. But - thank you, for telling me and for making me see some things better.. And I'm really honoured that you felt you could share with me those memories. I'm so sorry..." Kurt feels a little flustered. Aino had just told him some really personal, painful things, and he doesn't know how he should handle it. But Aino doesn't seem to mind.

"Kurt, it's ok. I felt like I could speak to you, because I feel that you understand. You've had your own troubles and I know you wouldn't judge me or pity me. It's something hard for me, but I'm also pretty ok with it now. I've accepted it, kind of. So no worries." She gives out a smile, that then turns a little more light and joking, "I'm sure you'll be having some lovely gay sex sooner than you think," she says with a teasing tone, to change the mood.

"Seriously, though-" Kurt starts but is stopped by the enthusiastic voice of Rachel coming from behind them.

"Ooooh, who's having sex!" she exclaims and jumps on the bed with them.

"No one," Kurt mumbles, redder than he's probably ever been. He glances at Aino, only to see her eyes saying that they're fine and that Kurt can talk to her anytime if he needs, but that this is fine for now. The three of them spend the rest of the evening lamenting their exams and watching mindless TV, and it's nice, even though their talk hasn't left Kurt's mind.

/

Later, when Aino has gone home and Rachel has gone to sleep, Kurt digs out a notebook that he hasn't opened for a long time. It's the old poetry book he used to write in, before things got too complicated and he didn't feel like it anymore. But somehow, he's got the spark to write now. He has no idea, why now, but he doesn't question it, instead he just takes a pen and lets the words come, after such a long time of being pushed away and hidden. His writing is perhaps a little rusty, but it's freeing none the less.

Butterflies are lucky:
they die so fast.
They barely have time to eat once
before their wings grow heavy and slow
and they fall, mid-fly.

Butterflies don't have enough time to complicate things
they have no names to curse
no future to fear,
just one meal
and the last fly that soon will end.

053 - An offer

Blaine Devon Anderson Creative photography (project course) Recipient: Professor Theresa Kerry

2012-12-18

Written report

In the beginning of this course we chose our theme unknowingly, by finding a photo and then interpreting it. The theme for my project ended up being 'Seizing the moment and facing the unknown adventures offered to you'. The photo I chose for that first class was of a girl who enters a book - and strangely enough, I found my subject and consecutively my whole idea in a library. I saw a boy I had never seen standing near a window and took a photo of him, and that started our photographic journey. What started as a simple photography project became a story of so much more: photography became a way of unraveling the mystery of a new person and a new friend.

My model for every photograph in this collection is the same. He wishes to be left nameless, but his story is still the center of this collection, because the main focus of this project is to celebrate his life and dreams and tell his story. The moment I first saw him, I knew that he had a story worth telling. It did not take long for me to find out how true this was. One day he showed me a notebook he calls 'The book of dreams', a bucket list of sorts that he started together with his mother, when he was eight years old. His mother died soon after, but he continued writing his dreams down in the notebook to keep his mother's memory alive. Naturally, a lot of those childhood dreams - and older too - are something that would be impossible to achieve in real life, such as becoming the president of United states or being a mermaid. The whole idea of these unattainable dreams inspired me so much that I wanted to base my who project on that. The idea was to choose one of those otherwise unattainable dreams from the model's book for each individual photo, and then make it happen, if not in reality, then at least in a photograph.

Every photo is naturally taken to create a piece of art and combined to make a collection that can touch those who see it, but that is not all this project and these photographs are. For me as the photographer this was, at least in the beginning, simply a class project. To my model, however, this was his way of keeping his mother's memory alive and find courage to do new things. This project became something that I did not only do for myself and this class, but equally much a project to help my model to find lost pieces of himself. Instead of being the goal, photography became a tool for something more. During this semester I discovered ways in which photography can be used to heal and how it can be a way to see yourself in new light, not only as the viewer of the photo, but as the model and photographer as well. I discovered that photography, like any kind of art, can also be used as a kind of therapy, and to connect people together.

During this semester I had ten photo shoots with my model, and during that time I got a chance to know this stranger I had started an art project with very closely. In the beginning I didn't know anything about this man, besides the childhood dreams he chose to share with me, but through the dreams and through the photographs we made together, I got to know him in a deeper level than I have known almost any of my closest friends. I realised very soon that this kind of project is much more intimate than I ever could have anticipated. With each photo we grew closer and gained new understanding of each other, and before I even realised, I had gotten a new friend - and recently a boyfriend.

In the next part I will go through each photo individually, describing the shoot and technical aspects in more detail, as well as explain the dream behind it and my interpretation of it. But before I give all that information, I want to draw focus on the project as a whole. I hope and am confident that even without the back story these photographs can relay their story and let the viewer feel the hope for future and the healing that can be found in taking courage and leaping into what you previously found impossible. Just like the girl in the photo I got my theme from, me and my model have stepped into new, unknown territories during this project and learned to take everything unexpected as a chance instead of an obstacle, and that is what I hope these photos can show.

[-]

/

Besides the written report, all of the students are supposed to give a short oral presentation of their projects and the photos they have taken. During the eight minutes Blaine is alloted, he tells almost all the same things that he wrote in the introduction part of his written report, and all the students seem really intrigued by his concept. When he mentions the fact that his model became his boyfriend, however, a round of honest laughter rings in the room. But it's a sound of acceptance and happiness, so Blaine takes it gladly. He knows it's maybe not the most professional aspect of this project, which is why he didn't want to put focus on that, either in his report or in this presentation, but now, as he hears their easy laughter and sees their nodding smiles, he feels that maybe the professionalism isn't such a big thing in this case.

His project was different, because it was about a human connection at least as much as it was about making art, and maybe them becoming boyfriend because of it is just another sign that his project was a success. This project didn't just get him a few credits, it changed his life in many ways, and it is something he wants to celebrate instead of being ashamed of. Watching other people look and enjoy his photos of Kurt made him want to shout out that this beautiful man is with him now. It makes him proud, of himself and of Kurt, and how far they have managed to go with a simple set of ten photos. Seeing those photos together now, and seeing how the other students' eyes are glimmering with interest and even awe as they go through the small collection, makes him truly realise for the first time the magnitude of how much these photos actually mean, to him, to Kurt, and to them as a couple. They are the reason they're together, as well as the story of them, written for all to see and for themselves to remember.

Soon his eight minutes are over. The room grows quiet as they all wait to hear what their professor has to say about it.

"You have done some remarkable Work, Mr. Anderson." Theresa smiles. (She made them use first names in the class early on, including her, saying that it will make them all closer together). "Your photos are technically fairly well done - there are some technical issues and problems with lighting and focus and such in some of them, but I have left you comments of those in your written report. However, I think it's safe to assume, that you have used a lot of equipment that you weren't familiar with before, as well as some really challenging locations, so the challenge you have given yourself certainly compensates the mistakes you've made. Also, I'd like to point out to you all here, that the technical side of photography is something we all can learn to handle better, but what truly matters here is the exceptional vision and the way you have managed to find ways to use photography to do much more than just art, while still managing to make some truly wonderful pieces of art, and that is what makes this project so exceptional. I've given you an A-."

She gives Blaine a satisfied and encouraging smile, that tells Blaine 'good work' and 'be proud', and Blaine truly is. He wants to jump and grin madly and maybe call Kurt, no matter that the class hasn't ended yet, because they did this, they earned such a great grade, and while it technically is his project and his grade, he thinks it belongs to Kurt just as much. Kurt made it possible for Blaine to do this project - without Kurt and his books and his awesome modeling, Blaine wouldn't have had a project in the first place.

After a few more presentations the class is over and Blaine starts to file out of the room, impatient as he can't wait to tell Kurt the news. Before he can get out, though, Theresa calls him back.

"Hey, Blaine and Jenny, could you stay for another second? I promise this is going to be worth it," she calls, with a happy tone in her voice. Blaine can't help but think that if all the professors were as enthusiastic about everything that happens in their class, students would be getting a lot more A's around here. He and Jenny, a short girl with dark hair, who had presented her environmental awareness project earlier, turned back behind to see what Theresa had to say. Blaine had no idea what to expect, but he wasn't that worried as she has just practically praised his work to moon and back, compared to her usual standards.

"I have an offer for you, which I think you will find interesting," she winks at them in a way that could easily be ridiculous but is somehow not. "One of my former colleagues works currently at a local library, where they have a small room for art exhibits. They often showcase some less known artists and she usually goes through the work done for my creative photography courses to see if there is any student she would want to organise an exhibition for. This year she was really impressed by both of your work and wants to offer you both a two week time slot sometime next spring to showcase your project. Would you be interested?" Blaine doesn't even manage to form a coherent thought before Jenny speaks out.

"Oh my God, do you even have to ask!" she half-screams and then slaps her hand on her mouth, embarrassed. Blaine agrees with her wholeheartedly, despite the shouting. Even if it's just a small exhibit in a local library, it's still huge. It could give him a lot of good opportunities in the future and exposure in any way is always good. Getting his own exhibit already during his sophomore year is a merit that isn't easily ignored. He still manages to stay somewhat calm, though, at least outwardly.

"Yes, yes, definitely, that would be wonderful," Blaine says, grinning.

"I see you both agree, then," their professor grins with a slightly mischievous glint in her eye. She goes through some pointers with Jenny, but Blaine has trouble concentrating on what they're saying. Then Theresa's suddenly speaking to him and he has to focus.

"And then Blaine, there is one condition with your collection, that we need to discuss. My colleague was as impressed with your work as I was, and considering the amount of work you have spent on each photo, ten photos was certainly enough for the purposes of this course. But for the exhibit, my colleague says you should have at least a few more photographs to fill the whole room. It wouldn't have to be a lot, like three or four more, just so that they can cover all the wall space. Would you and your model be ready to do that?"

Blaine is certainly ready, he really wants this exhibit and he has been sad about the end of the project anyway. He's pretty sure Kurt would have no problem with doing a few more photo shoots either, but there's another problem he hadn't thought about yet. He realises that he never asked Kurt's permission to publish these photos anywhere besides as school work, so it's not only up to him. The photos are pretty personal in many ways and he's not all that sure that Kurt would be ready for this kind of publicity for the photos and his dreams.

"I know I already said I want to do it, but I think I need to discuss this with Ku-, with my model, before I can decide anything. It's his story as much as it's mine, so I can't really do this without his permission. And I need to ask if he wants to do the extra shoots, as well." Blaine's tone is apologetic, and also just a bit desperate, because he really doesn't want to miss this opportunity.

"Oh, don't worry! You can take the winter break to figure things out and give me an answer after. Would that work?"

"Definitely! Thank you!"

"Well, that's settled then. I hope I'll hear from you two in January!" She smiles at them, way friendlier than an average professor would, and sends them on their way. Blaine certainly knows what's going to be the topic that evening with Kurt.

054 - A lot still changed

"Hi, Night sky," Blaine greets him with a smile and a small kiss, as he steps in the door. Rachel is out somewhere with his newly official boyfriend Brody, so they have the apartment for a few hours. They're all flying to Ohio the next day, so it's the last time for a while that they'll have time alone together. They have plans to meet in Ohio, but Westerville and Lima are not that close, so they thought it would be more beneficial for them to just focus on spending time with their family and friends during the holidays. It's only two weeks, after all.

"Hi, you," Kurt smiles back. Kurt wants to figure out a special nickname for Blaine too, but anything he can think of just feels stupid, so he'll have to stick with the normal ones until something comes up. Blaine's Night sky, though completely ridiculous, is somehow much more sweet and endearing than it should be. Blaine's brought some chinese with him, so they settle around the table to eat. They go through their holidays plans and other light topics while they eat. When they're just about finished, Kurt starts "I have something I want to talk to you about" at the exact same time as Blaine says "There's something I need to tell you," which of course makes them both stop and laugh.

"This sounds like a potentially long conversation, so would you like some dessert before we start?" Blaine asks, as he digs out a previously hidden box of cheese cake. Kurt actually legitimately wants to squeal, because it's cheese cake and it's so lovely that Blaine has thought to buy it. He doesn't, though, as he's still Kurt, but he's smile is wide enough to tell he likes the surprise. They take plates and after a few mouthfuls of pure pleasure, Kurt tells Blaine to go first. Kurt's topic is more to the serious side and Blaine seems too excited for his topic to be very sad, at least.

Blaine then launches into an enthusiastic and long winded speech about everything that happened with his photography class - Kurt should have realised it was about that! -, how the presentation went, the other students' reaction, his professor's comments, and the grade he got. It all makes Kurt wish he could have been there, although on a second thought, maybe not, because he's pretty sure people would have been able to make the connection between him and the model, and it might have been awkward.

"That's so great, Blaine! Congratulation, you really deserved it." Kurt's smile is sincerely happy, because he is sincerely happy for Blaine. The project has given him so much that he's just happy other people have been able to see how wonderful the project is. He read Blaine's report before, and he wholeheartedly agrees with Blaine on how much the project has made a difference in both of their lives.

"Thank you," Blaine grins, but now there is some underlying nervousness in his face, that Kurt doesn't understand. Blaine doesn't seem like he's finished yet. "Uh.. There's something more. It's definitely nothing bad, I'm really excited to be honest, but I'm just worried how you'll react." Blaine digs through his eyes as if he's trying to read what Kurt's future reaction will be.

"Oh.. Well, it can't be that bad if you're so excited?" he says, unsure. Some of Blaine's nervousness is starting to affect him.

"Yeah, well, I hope so, at least. After the class, our professor told me and one other girl that we both had gotten an offer from one local library to have a small exhibit there.. It would be up for like two weeks, and it's an incredible opportunity for me, to get some exposure and maybe some job offers or whatever… But the thing is, the exhibit wouldn't be just any photos, it would be of the photos from our project, and we would actually have to do a couple more to fill the whole room, she said… And I just don't know how you'd feel about that." Blaine sounds increasingly hesitant, and Kurt has no problem understanding why, because the first thought the idea brings to his head is no freaking way. It's not because he's ashamed of the photos or his dreams, not really, but they're something very personal and intimate and raw, and he had always thought that the only strangers who would see them would be Blaine's teacher and his class mates. That was their deal from the start and he'd made his peace with that eventually, though even that idea had been hard for him. The idea that those photos would suddenly be there for anyone to see and judge, in a public library where anyone can go, the exhibit possibly even advertised - it sounds so, so scary. Utterly terrifying. Bordering on panic inducing. He's pretty sure the feeling shows on his face.

"Oh. Kurt… If it's too much, we can just forget it. It's ok." The wave of relief is strong and he almost says 'yes, let's forget it' immediately, but then he notices the disappointment that Blaine does his very best to, but cannot completely, hide. And Kurt just can't say it. Not when it clearly would be something really important to Blaine. Blaine's done so much for him and this would be a big reward for all the work he's done. He recalls how excited Blaine looked just a minute ago, even though he had been trying to tone it down as he was nervous of Kurt's reaction. That almost makes him say 'yes, let's do it' instead. But he can't say that either. The words get stuck in his throat, because the reality of just how scary the thing would be hasn't changed. He doesn't know what to do, because no answer is good. It's like when Blaine proposed the project all over again.

"I… Can I take some time to think about it, instead?" he says, to gain some much needed time. As he sees Blaine's face light up with carefully controlled hope again, he's insanely glad he didn't say no right away. Even if he ends up declining, at least now he can give the idea an honest chance, and Blaine deserves that much, at least. And Kurt needs to see past his initial fear, or he'll never get over anything.

"Yeah.. that's fine. There's no hurry to decide," Blaine gives him a sweet smile. Then he takes Kurt's hand and brings them both to sit on the sofa, so that he can pull Kurt next to him and hold him close. "What did you want to talk about?" he asks, when they're settled.

"Oh.." Kurt doesn't know how to start. It was one thing to talk about sex with Aino, because she was at least a somewhat neutral listener, but Blaine is the person it would all happen with, so talking with him feels somehow much harder and much more embarrassing. Which is silly, because Blaine is his boyfriend and should by definition be the person he is most comfortable speaking about sex with, but he can't help how he feels. He braves on anyway, because he's been thinking about it for two days straight now and he really wants to get it out in the open before his head explodes. He knows that just weeks ago he would never have dared to say what he wants to say now, but things have changed. It's a ridiculously short time for that, but he really has changed.

"Well. You remember I had my study date with Aino a few days ago? So after we were finished with out essays, we.. uh.. we kinda talked about sex." Oh God, could he have phrased that any more awkwardly? He's pretty sure the blush goes all the way down to his chest. Blaine let's out a small chuckle, but when Kurt looks up - to glare or to plead, he's not sure which - he sees Blaine's eyes shining with affection and even pride instead of amusement. Kurt decides he should just continue, so he explains Blaine his worries about sex, how he's scared of the unknown, the intimacy, the utter vulnerability, the loss of control - all the while stealing glances at Blaine to see how he takes it. He doesn't see any disgust or other things he instinctively fears, which makes him curse himself for still believing Blaine would be like that, even though he knows, has proof even, that Blaine would never think like that about him. It's just really hard to really believe, in moments like this.

He tells Blaine about the little mind game he played with Aino and her advice afterwards, leaving out her personal experiences and preferences, because he doesn't want to betray Aino's trust. "So, she told me that I should never go further than I feel comfortable with, but that it's okay to want it," he concludes, still blushing, finding his hands very interesting. The whole talk has been one big blush and he's not even sure how he ever got all that out of his mouth in the first place.

"I'm glad you told me-," Blaine starts, and Kurt kind of panics out of the blue.

"Blaine, I swear, I didn't keep my concerns from you on purpose, I just wanted to get to the bottom of the whole thing before I talked to you, because it was all such a mess of thoughts and we weren't doing anything sexual yet, so it's not like it affected our relationship, and I would have told you if something would have happened, but I just-" Blaine stops his panicked rambling with a small laugh and a finger on his lips.

"Ok, stop. It's fine, and I'm not mad. You are allowed to not talk about everything immediately. Like you said, we weren't doing anything yet, so it's totally ok to take your time to go through you own thoughts. I'm just happy that you could talk with Aino and figure things out. And I have a feeling there's some sort of conclusion you've found, because you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yeah." Kurt takes a deep breath, because this is it. "I, well, I- I thought about all she said and how she made me realise I really do want… want you," and how fucking awkward can this be? "and I…" he takes another deep breath and decides to just go with it, because it's not going to get any easier. "I want to have sex with you, one day, not now because I'm really not ready and maybe not even that soon, but the point is, I don't want to just avoid the issue, I want to work towards it, or whatever, I just want to take some steps toward that because it's not going to just magically become ok and easy, if I never even think about it." Kurt ends, half really wanting to hear Blaine's answer and half just wanting to dig his own grave and die in it.

But when he finally looks up to see Blaine's face, it's closer than he expected, and then he's being kissed, and it's way deeper than he would have expected, and just, ok. Wow. Ok. I guess I could be fine with this. When Blaine eventually pulls back to hug him even closer, Kurt feels like maybe he's made another right decision that evening.

"That must have been hard to say out loud, but I'm really grateful that you did, because.. yeah. I want that too." The somewhat lustful expression then changes into a more tender one again. "Just as long as you still know that there is really no hurry, I'm definitely on board. We can work towards it, like you said. Just, whatever you're comfortable with." Blaine's smile is mostly just gentle, with some lust still lingering, and Kurt feels strangely wanted all of a sudden. Like maybe he could believe that he is someone Blaine would honestly want in that way. Well, on a purely intellectual level he does know that Blaine wouldn't be with him, if he didn't find him at all physically attractive, but it's something that is pretty hard to actually believe in his bones. But now there is a hint of that believe planted, and even that is wonderful. He gives Blaine a smile that hopefully tells that he get's it and agrees, because suddenly he feels like he's done talking about this. He wants to savour the sudden, enticing feeling of being wanted, and not go to the awkward territory again.

Blaine seems to get it, and they start watching some movie instead. Somewhere along the way they start kissing, and then make out a bit, but it's nothing more than they usually do. It's a good feeling to know that, even though they just talked about it, there is no pressure to try anything more now - that it can be saved for some other day and moment when the feeling comes. It's good like this. And when they exchange their Christmas presents at the door just before Blaine has to leave, agreeing to open them together on Skype on Christmas day, Kurt suddenly realises, just how big a step today really was. The night was so deceivingly uneventful that it almost didn't register, but now it hits him in full force. They've found how to really communicate with each other, even with the more difficult subjects, and Kurt has learned to look past his own fears to see what other aspects there are to things, both with sex and with the photo shoot, and even though nothing is decided about the latter, and nothing new happened in regards to the former, a lot still changed.