049 - Change of perspective

"Not the best day?" Zach asks Blaine with a light but friendly tone, when Blaine stumbles in their room after classes on late Thursday afternoon and falls exaggeratingly on his face on the bed, making a show of how tired he is. Blaine mumbles in the bed cover.

"I didn't quite catch that," Zach answers joyfully.

"I said, I just wanna sleep," Blaine raises his head and looks at Zach reproachfully.

"So, what's really going on with you and Kurt? Did you talk yesterday?" Zach asks, ignoring Blaine's verbal and nonverbal cues completely. Blaine huffs out and sits up, looking resigned. He had called Zach after Thanksgiving, feeling alone and confused and just needing to talk to someone. But after his and Kurt's big talk on Sunday, he hadn't had the chance to explain the rest to Zach fully, so he had just given him a really brief sum-up and told him they would have another talk after the photo shoot and maybe after that Blaine could talk to Zach and make some sense of what's going on in his head. Apparently Zach has decided the moment for that has come.

"Yeah, we talked." he sighs.

"And?"

"And, there a lot of stuff going on in my head and it's kind of confusing to be honest."

"Why don't you start from the beginning?" So Blaine does. He gives Zach a longer version of the talk they had on Sunday, about Kurt's insecurities and Blaine's hurt feelings and about Kurt's willingness to work this through and Blaine's realisation that he really wants to keep Kurt if there is any way he can, and the ending of holding each other in their arms, just trying to find some confirmation that there was still hope for them, even though things weren't that simple and over yet. Then he tells Zach how they have been kind of forgetting the whole existence of the problem or even their relationship, just acting as friends for a few days. They hadn't said anything out loud, but it had felt like a mutual agreement. It helped both to get the photo shoot out of the way without any more fights and hurt feelings and also to give them a needed break from the angst to just reaffirm that they were still good for each other in every way, that they still had the same connection. That had lasted until yesterday after the photo shoot, when they had gone to Kurt's place and had another really draining but undoubtedly crucial talk.

/

"So, yeah.. Um, do you want something? A drink?" Kurt asks, twisting his hands nervously and not quite looking into Blaine's eyes. Blaine feels just as awkward, but doesn't want to show it, because it won't be of any help.

"No, I'm fine. Just… let's just sit. There are things we still need to talk about, and I'm pretty sure we both know that, so maybe we could just.. go with that?" Blaine looks at Kurt and offers a small smile for some both sit down on the couch and Blaine takes Kurt's hand, to ground them both a little.

"So, the talk on Sunday was pretty big," Blaine starts, "and left us quite a lot to think about. And I think I do understand, in some ways, why you would have lied to me about those things. This relationship is still very new and I never expected you to trust me completely and with everything, and with your past I can see why trusting people with your vulnerable sides would be pretty hard, even if you really do think I'm a trustworthy guy. It doesn't make it ok, but I can kinda get your viewpoint, even if the way you went about it was pretty much the worst. I guess what I'm trying to say is that what happened before is not going to be a thing that ruins this for us. But it can't happen again, ok?" Blaine looks into Kurt's eyes, trying to be both firm and reassuring, just hoping the message gets across.

/

"I'm pretty impressed by your ability to understand and forgive, to be honest," Zach admits. "I don't know if I could have seen through my own hurt that easily."

"Yeah, well…" Blaine rubs his neck awkwardly," I guess that's also to do with me. I know what it feels like to keep up an act for people because of the fear of being rejected. I can't help but to understand that, even if being on the other side hurts and his fear feels unjustified. I'm not going to be like my parents and dismiss his feelings when he actually broke down his protective walls and showed his fears to me. God knows, I haven't ever been brave enough to do that with my parents."

"That was pretty brave of him, when you think about it." Zach says, with obvious affection in his eyes. Apparently Kurt has gotten under Zach skin too, like everyone that have been hurt and rouse his protective instincts.

/

Kurt leans down against Blaine, obviously relieved by Blaine's words, like they were soothing some unpronounced fear he had been harboring. Which was probably true. He lets Kurt collect his thoughts for a while, and then turns to him when he sits up and looks at Blaine, with a new kind of determined seriousness.

"There is something I have really wanted to talk to you as well," he blushes and turns his head down, and Blaine knows this is going to be important. "It's just.. well, one of the things that made me want to lie and push for the.. the sexual stuff, was.. well, when we saw that Sebastian guy and…" Kurt's keeps twisting around as he finally falters and trails off. Blaine can practically feel this new piece settling to it's place in the puzzle. Of course Sebastian is a part of this, and he should never have let the subject go without addressing it in the first place. He should have known better, when Kurt never spoke about it again.

"What about Sebastian, Kurt?" he asks, trying to encourage.

"Well, it's not really him, you know, or, I guess I was jealous of him and what he had had with you, but… mostly it just made me realise that I was still so horribly unexperienced and scared by the whole concept of intimacy or.. you know.. and you had all ready done it all and it was something natural and expected for you.. And it made me feel so.. inadequate, I guess, and like such a little child compared to you. And I didn't want that, and it made me really afraid that I would lose you. And I know now I should have just told you instead of pushing to be something that I wasn't ready for yet, but I think… back then the thing between us had just happened, we had just agreed to be boyfriends, and I'm pretty sure I would never have had the courage to really tell you in that moment. So I think it was doing this or running away, then…"

/

"You never told me, that Kurt met your ex," Zach says, half accusingly. "Why didn't you talk to him about it? You must have known it's not such an easy topic for him that he would sincerely just forget it."

"Yeah, I know," Blaine says, a little annoyed for Zach's accusation. "I know it was stupid of me to just let it go, but also, like you pointed out to me a long time ago, I'm not supposed to be his guidance counselor or therapist, so I think I should also be allowed to expect that he would come to talk to me when he feels bad about something. And he hid his real feelings pretty damn well, mind you." Zach grimaces at that.

"Yeah, sorry, you're right. You wanted to give him time to come to you on his own terms, and I get that. Sorry, sometimes I just think about him and think how much he's been through and I just want to protect him from everything. Maybe I should be his guidance counselor instead?" Zach chuckles at himself. "But I know it doesn't help him to get on with his life. He needs to find the courage in himself. But don't you think he already has taken a big step to that direction?"

"Yeah, I think he has," Blaine says and can't help the little smile that comes with the thought.

/

"Ok, I get that, and I don't blame you for feeling insecure in that situation. It just really frightens me that you could push yourself to do stuff you weren't ready for, you almost had sex with me because you wanted to be in control and felt desperate, instead of telling me what was wrong. You did things with me because you feared rejection and feared that I would hurt you emotionally, and then I ended up hurting you anyway." Kurt pulls away a little, looking ashamed and guilty, eyes glistening suspiciously.

"Ok, none of that now. I'm not saying this to blame you anymore, I think we got over that on Sunday. But I really need to know that you are comfortable with everything we ever do, from now on, even if it's just handholding or kissing or I need to know that what ever you choose to do with me, you do it because you seriously want it, for you, because it feels good for you, and not because you want to please me or for any other possible reason you might have." Blaine puts his hand under Kurt's chin and raises his head to meet and hold his eyes.

"And now, this is something you really need to know, and understand. You have this idea that I'm this superconfident and experienced guy who has had lots of partners and sex, but that is not true, Kurt. It's not true. Yeah, I've done things with some guys, but not everything, not so many times and it's only ever been three different boys. Out of which I regret Sebastian the most, just so you know." He sees Kurt take in a stuttering breath, looking surprised and like he doesn't know what to think. "I might be confident and outgoing person, but it doesn't mean I'm so super far ahead of you in this department. So, to repeat what I've told you many times already, I am fine with whatever pace we move on. I don't mind waiting, and it might be that I'm not even ready for everything you ever think of that? That I might not be ready?" Blaine's voice is almost pleading now, to get through to Kurt and make him understand and believe what he's won't allow Kurt to not understand this anymore.

/

"How did he react to that?" Zach asks, really curious now.

"Oh, he was pretty overwhelmed by it all. I think he had stuck it in his head pretty bad, that I was this perfect sex god, who knew everything and was used to getting everything. I had really never thought about how he sees me in that way, so it kind of really took me by surprise, but it also makes a lot of sense, when you think about the stuff that happened earlier. I just really hope he gets it now, gets me. I don't even know, my head says I should be offended and I kind of want to be, I think I easily could be, that he would just assume stuff like that of me. But I guess it's really just his insecurities talking, and I don't even know, I don't want to be angry at him. I just want to change this stuff now and be with him for real, try being with him when we both see the real person beside us and not just what we made the other to be in our heads."

"So you think this has changed how you see Kurt, as well?"

"Yeah. I think it's opened my eyes to really see, how deep his insecurities and distrust of himself goes. I mean, I knew it was there, but I didn't take the time to really understand all the ways it affects his life. And after yesterday, I kinda expected that it would make me second guess my being in a relationship with him, I today I just waited for it to hit me. But it hasn't… I just want to support him, see him get better and be there while he does it. I really care about him, Zach. He's wonderful and he deserves to be happy and ok, he deserves to get rid of the bad stuff his past has dealt him. I want that for him, and I want him with me if possible. I want him." Zach's eyes are shining a little, Blaine doesn't know why, but it seems like it's something happy that he feels.

"You don't sound as confused anymore," Zach points out, referring to the beginning of their conversation. Blaine ponders that a moment.

"Huh. Yeah, maybe I'm not," he smiles.

050 - It's a good start

On Sunday morning they meet at the coffee place again, something that is starting to become a regular thing for them. They've spent the last few days apart, partly because the semester is coming to an end and there's a lot of school work to do for both of them, and partly because they both had honestly needed a little more time to settle with this all before going back to being together.

Kurt thinks how thankful he is that the whole blow-up before Thanksgiving became so early, because he's not sure if he would ever have dared to start over and continue with Blaine if he had continued pretending and pushing himself and denying his own feelings for much longer. And without that evening and his forcing himself too far too fast, it probably would have taken a lot longer before it would have gotten too much, and then it would have just been way too much to ever get past it. But it had only barely been two weeks, and two weeks is still short enough that he hasn't completely lost himself in the lie. He feels grateful for himself for being in his mind enough to stop himself that night, and he supposes it's partly because he was really so shaken already that day, because if he had been in a more stable state of mind, he might have been able to push through with it. Force himself to have sex. The thought frightens him. Now that he has had time to think and after what Blaine told him about his own sex life, he can see how wrong he was and how near he was to hurting himself really badly. So, in the end, he's just relieved it happened the way it did and when it did, because it stopped Kurt just in time.

He looks at Blaine taking a sip from his coffee cup and smiling warmly at him, and he just feels a strong surge of thankfulness to the world, to himself, to Blaine, that he had been shocked out of his own lies and bad thoughts, before it had gone any further. Thinking about it now makes him really see what so many people have been telling him before, that there is no other way to deal with hurt and pain and problems than facing them, no matter how hard that seems. Denying them has only made him hurt himself while the problems were still there, as strong as ever.

He sees how the sun shining through the window catches in Blaine's relatively gel-free curls and makes them shine, and he thinks with relief that there is still a way out. Wanting to get better, even if the idea of what he has already done and what he has yet to do to get there is scarier than he has ever found anything, it's still a relief, because when he ran, he only saw the scary stuff, but now that he's preparing to fight, he can see the sun on the other side of this tunnel. He can see what could be, if he just can get through this a winner. It's already been the scariest step of them all, to admit to himself that there is nowhere to hide anymore, that the time for that is over. To admit all the things that he has had to run from. As he sits there this beautiful Sunday morning, in comfortable silence with this handsome guy that really wants to be there with him, he feels for the first time like he really can do this and that it will be worth it. He wants to do it, and he feels like he might even deserve it. It's a liberating feeling.

"So, how's your European literature essay going?" Blaine asks, with a carefree smile. It's like it truly is a new start, like at this moment there is no weight, no baggage between them. Kurt is not naïve enough to think that it would always be like this, but it's good to have these moments, to see that it's still possible to be just them, even after the whole mess.

"It's ok, I guess, although writing about the deeper meanings of Kafka is hard, because really I just want to hit him in the face for writing so boringly. The message of his books are important, but why does he feel the need to hide it so well? At least Madame Bovary is truly delightful in all her annoyingness." Kurt voice takes a sassy quality that it rarely has, but to Kurt this is him, or someone he might be if he didn't have to be afraid of everyone all the time. But in this moment with Blaine it feels easier to let go , and talking about literature has always been a comfortable enough topic to let himself talk and criticise more freely than usual. It feels like another small victory, that he still has that.

Blaine seems to like it too, if the amused sparkle in his eyes is any proof. "For an english major, you sure seem to hate the classics," he teases.

"Oh, no, I don't hate all the classics, just most of them." he deadpans, before cracking a small, almost shy smile. "No, actually most of them are great in some way, I'm just annoyed that some books are considered somehow better or are more valued that others, just because they are older. And I don't like it, when we are supposed to just accept the status of some books as classics, without challenging their place in the canon." And just like that, Kurt has almost lost himself in one of his passions, forgetting for a minute that he's supposed to be the most timid boy on earth, and he's only shocked out of it, when Blaine suddenly takes his hand and pulls him to a kiss, almost harshly, over the table. The kiss is deep but very brief, and when Blaine pulls back, his eyes are shining with some unnamed, unadulterated joy. Kurt would have enjoyed it, maybe, but it was too sudden, and he can't help noticing the middle-aged couple in the table behind Blaine staring at them with mild disdain, and he feels a small but insistent sense of fear knocking in the back of his head.

"God, I love it when you do that." Blaine grins widely.

"Do what?" Kurt is confused, still a little uneasy about the kiss.

"When you forget yourself and let the real you shine through. It's beautiful." Blaine grins and squeezes his hand affectionately. And Kurt almost, almost lets his problem with the kiss go, because he doesn't want to ruin this moment and ruin Blaine's joy, when he's so happy and it's all because of Kurt.

Almost. But then he remembers what he promised and he remembers how hurt Blaine had looked when he told him how Kurt's dishonesty made him feel, he remembers how he himself had finally decided to change, and even though the temptation to not deal with it now is so strong, he still lets it out. He gives Blaine a small smile, almost weak, and then pulls his hand out of Blaine grip, still feeling the eyes of that couple on the two of them. "I'm glad you think like that about me, I am. It's just that… that kiss, well, it was kinda really sudden… and that couple behind you keeps looking at us, and I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable with it, it's just, I'm not used to this and it scares me a bit… It's not a big deal but we promised to talk about these things and…" Kurt trails off, now looking at his empty cup, before glancing up to Blaine. Who is staring at him with an unreadable expression.

"Kurt," he starts after a small pause, "that was the first time. You told me how you really feel, even though you could have just let it go." Blaine's face is still hard to read. "You could have let it go," he repeats, as if he's not sure Kurt understood him.

"Yeah, I could have. I didn't, though."

"No, you didn't." Blaine's face is serious and intense, before it breaks into an honest, wide smile. "Thank you." And Kurt thinks he knows what Blaine is thanking him for. For keeping his promise. For giving him a proof that things will be different. For sincerely trying. Kurt is just glad that he did it. It's a small step, but it's also big because it's the first real one. The first that could be seen and counted. A step that Kurt made of his own choise. Kurt slowly raises his hand again and very deliberately takes Blaine's hand in his over the table again.

"You don't have to do that," Blaine says, frowning a little at their joined hands, but doesn't pull away.

"No, I know. I want to." Kurt's eyes wander from Blaine's to the couple behind him for just a second.

"You sure?" Blaine says as he glances behind him and takes in the couple Kurt is looking at.

"Yes. The kiss was a bit too much for me, but I want to hold my boyfriend's hand despite what those people might think. I can handle it and I want it." he smiles at Blaine, almost triumphantly. "I still want to get over my fears, and it's not like every move I've taken forward is a bad thing, you know."

"And that," Blaine starts with a happy grin, "made me just figure out the next photo shoot we can do to complete my collection. It's not even going to be hard to do and I think you will like it."

"Which dream would it be then?" Kurt tilts his head, curiously.

"I saw it in your book, on the same page as the dream for the blindfold photos was. ' I want to fly so high no one can touch me' or something like that. I think it would be a good dream to make true." Kurt smiles because what else could he do. It is a good dream to make true. It's a good end for Blaine's class project and it's a good start for Kurt's new project with his life.

051 - Epitome of free

It's the beginning of December and the weather is getting decidedly colder. They've been planning the last photo shoot, but they have to wait for a clear weather for this one, blue skies or only partial clouds, at the very least. Monday it's raining cats and dogs and they opt to spend the day studying and lazying around. On Tuesday the rain has stopped but the sky is depressing dark grey. Wednesday seems to continue the theme, but during Blaine's afternoon class the clouds part and when he steps outside, he can see the sun shining through dreamy white clouds, like straight from the Simpsons intro. It's perfect, so he calls Kurt and asks him to come, fast. Kurt says he needs Aino for this to be brave enough, but she agrees to come easily, so it's all fine.

They agree to meet near one of the older, smaller buildings on campus. It's not the prettiest one, but it's exactly what they need: only five floors high and it has a flat roof where you can actually go to. It's not exactly allowed, but the door isn't locked either, so you just need to ignore the "Do not enter" sign hanging across the stairway leading up there. Besides, it's not like they are the only ones who have ever broken that particular rule, almost every photography major has been there at one point of another to take pictures of the campus, or cool portraits, or whatever else they might have needed an open rooftop for.

This time Blaine is not going to climb up there, though. It's going to be Kurt who gets to go there while Blaine stays on the ground to capture the moment. That's also why Aino needs to be there: Kurt doesn't want to go alone and she's someone they trust not to mess up the breaking and entering, even though it's not really that hard at all - the top floor is almost always deserted so it's not like they have to hide behind barriers and escape vicious guards.

After about ten minutes of waiting, Blaine sees Kurt walking towards him, looking nervous but still smiling. "Hi," he says and presses a fast kiss on Blaine's cheek after checking if anyone is watching them. Blaine's heart warms at the simple gesture, because it seems genuine and he can see it's not something Kurt forced himself to do, but what he really wanted to do, and that feels good.

"Hi, Night sky," Blaine pulls Kurt in to a brief hug. He might have wanted to do more, but really, they are just trying to restart their whole relationship and they've both realised it will take time, so they'll have to take it slow. Also, he knows now that Kurt is still very uncomfortable with excessive PDA, and that what Kurt had initiated previously in public wasn't something he had already become comfortable with, so he just wants to be careful this time. He pulls away quickly and searches Kurt's eyes, that still look anxious.

"Are you fine with this? It's okay, if it feels too much, we'll just figure out something else." Kurt huffs at Blaine's tone, seemingly a bit annoyed at his coddling.

"Yes, I'm fine. I'm nervous, but it's not like I'll die. It might even be fun," he says determinedly. "So don't try to talk me out of it," he adds after a second, in a voice that tells it might not be that hard at all.

Before Blaine gets to answer, they hear Aino's voice calling for them. They turn and there she is, but the thing is, she's not alone.

"Hey, Blainers! I thought you might be suffering from separation anxiety, as we didn't see each other last night, so I thought I'd come and make sure you're all right." Zach shouts cheerfully and pulls Blaine into an exaggerated show of a tight hug. Then Zach takes hold of Blaine's face with both hands and coos "Aww, baby, did you miss papa?", kissing him on the bridge of his nose. Blaine pushes Zach away, but can't help the grin that breaks the grimace he's going for.

"Get off me, Barney! Your inner dinosaur is showing." Zach looks scandalised and Kurt bursts into a mirthful laugh. Blaine smiles wide at that and hugs Kurt's shoulders to him for a second, because Kurt's laugh is beautiful and he wants to hear it much more often. Aino looks confused about the conversation though.

"What has Zach to do with dinosaurs..?" she asks, uncertainly. Zach looks at her with the kind of eyes that can only be described as a puppy in love.

"Oh my God, you are perfect! I've never found ignorance more beautiful!" He pulls Aino into a hug, not unlike the one Blaine just gave Kurt. Blaine thinks that if it had been any other person, Zach would have kissed her on the cheek too, but he refrained from doing it to Aino, and that makes Blaine realise how much Zach already understands her. It's not like Zach wouldn't want to, but because he knows that Aino, with her cultural background, wouldn't be comfortable with kissing between friends. And, in exchange, he notices that Aino is completely fine with Zach's antics, even if in some other situation they might have been a bit too much for her. They're two very different people that seem to have built a bridge over their differences, and it warms Blaine's heart to see it.

Aino looks at Kurt questioningly. "I'll explain it to you when were up there," Kurt promises. Then something else comes to Blaine's mind.

"So how come you are here too, Zach?"

"Oh, I was just having coffee with Aino, and when Kurt here called to take her away from me, I decided to tag along and come to bug you instead." Zach smiles, his eyes full of genuine friendliness despite the silly words. They joke around for another while and then Aino and Kurt are sent upstairs before the weather has time to change again. It takes them a few minutes, but then Blaine can see the two figures on top of the building, peering down. He wouldn't see them too well, but his camera is currently sporting a big zoom objective, and through it he can see their faces clearly. Zach calls Kurt's phone so that Blaine can give him directions about position and posture, and then they're ready to start.

Aino goes further back so that she won't be seen, while Kurt stands near the edge, just behind the low rail that goes around the rooftop, and has his hands spread wide and is facing straight ahead. The building is definitely not high enough for no sky scrapers to show behind him, but Blaine is standing pretty near to the building, so the steep angle makes most of the background just clear blue with fluffy clouds. Kurt is wearing a bright red jacket and his hair is styled wild and messy, looking wind-blown. Blaine outlines the photo so that Kurt is standing right in the lower right corner, taken far enough that his figure is fairly small, and most of the photo is just the sky behind him. The red of his jacket is a stark brush of colour staining the otherwise blue and white scene. It's simple but also looking so open and free in all it's simplicity. The photos are fairly easy to take and it only takes a few minutes before Blaine knows he's got the perfect shot. Zach tells Kurt they can come down and shuts the phone.

Blaine turns to Zach after putting away the camera. "Soo.. You and Aino…and coffee? Sounds serious." Blaine could almost swear that Zach blushes at the comment, before he's smiling again.

"Yeah. She's a really great girl. We're just friends though, in case you were wondering."

"Oh." Blaine had been wondering.

"Yeah. Oh." Zach sighs a little.

"Would you want it to be more than friends?" Blaine asks, with a tender smile for his friend. It's rare to hear Zach sigh like that.

"Yeah, sure, maybe? But, you remember I told you before, it's not like I could just be with any girl I want. It wouldn't work, not with my… preference. She really is a wonderful friend, and I don't want to mess that." Zach sounds resigned and a little sad. Blaine wants to say that it's not like that and surely he should go for it, but he knows deep inside that what Zach is saying is mostly true, and it's his decision to make in any case. Blaine is very well aware of the difficulties that come with being different than others, and he's not going to diminish or deny them. He just feels sad for Zach, who may have found the right girl but can't just go for it, because it's never going to be that simple for him.

When Kurt and Aino appear from the side door of the building, Zach and Blaine both put up a smile and if the hug Blaine gives Kurt is a little tighter and lasts a little longer than what he planned for, no one seems to notice.

"You look wonderful in the photos, Night sky," he tells Kurt with a smile. "You look like the epitome of free." Kurt grins back at him, carefree and happy.

"I felt free! It was amazing up there, really! First I was scared of the height, but then… I'm so glad you got this idea." Then his face slowly turns wistful and a little sad. "I just wish the project wasn't over already." Kurt worries his lip with his teeth. Blaine feels exactly the same.

"Don't worry. It's not like I'm ever going to stop taking photos of you,"Blaine says, and sees Kurt's face light up against his own will.

"Could you two point the shine of your utter happiness to some other direction, it's hurting my eyes." Zach comments, loudly, shielding his eyes.

"Go jump off a bridge!" Blaine answers cheerfully. He takes Kurt's hand and turns to head to their coffee shop. He wants to spend some time with Kurt and maybe that way Zach and Aino can go and finish their own coffee date as well. He wishes it could be a real date for those two, but it's not in his hands.