037 - If only

They are standing in front of Blaine's dorm room - which Zach has promised to avoid for the next few hours - when Kurt remembers the incident with Karofsky's smell on Blaine's hands and the fact that the smell came from Zach's body wash. Suddenly he's not so sure he wants to go in after all. He's not sure he can trust himself not to react to the smell even if he knows it comes from a bottle. He stops quite abruptly and takes a hold of Blaine's arm before he can open the door.

"Wait!"

"What's wrong?", Blaine asks, concerned. Kurt feels stupid because of the thing he has to admit next. It makes him feel even more vulnerable and weak.

"Um… Zach... Does Zach still use the same body wash..?" he asks, looking at his shuffling feet, grimacing a little, hoping that he doesn't need to elaborate further. It seems Blaine gets the idea.

"Oh, yeah, about that. I told Zach about your panic and how it was because of the smell. And, well, Zach said that he doesn't want to smell the same as some imbecile high school bully anyway, so he changed the brand. So, no Axe anymore in our room." Blaine offers Kurt a smile.

"Oh." Kurt feels just a little bit amazed by how great a person Zach really is, that he would do something like that just for some guy he doesn't even really know. Just for Kurt. "Well, that's.. that's really nice of him."

"Yeah, Zach's pretty ok sometimes," Blaine says smiling brightly, and opens the door. This is the first time Kurt has been in there, and he instantly sees which side of the room belongs to Blaine, because it's filled with silly posters of 70's disco bands and photos of guys in preppy school uniforms, and it's also clean and tidy, as opposed to the mess on Zach side of the room. Zach's wall, for some reason, has a really huge poster of Kung fu Panda taped on it. Kurt hesitates a bit, before he goes and sits down on Blaine's bed carefully. He feels a bit overwhelmed again, because so much stuff has happened that day and he suddenly has a boyfriend, and so much stuff is still very new and confusing. And scary, too. And he hasn't had time to think.

"Ok, boyfriend" Blaine starts and grins as if that's just his automatic reaction to the word, "what do you want to do?" He asks the question with a glimmer in his eye that makes Kurt's blood run a bit faster but also causes him feel a bit uneasy, because it's just so new, and nobody has ever looked at him like that before. It makes him think Blaine wants something from him that he's not ready for. Something that he's supposed to be ready for.

"Maybe… maybe we could just watch a movie?" he asks, unsure whether this is something boyfriends do or if he's just embarrassing himself. He just wishes he would know what is expected of him now. How he's supposed to act. He tries to look confident, but Blaine sees right through it. His eyes narrow in worry and he sits next to Kurt, pulling him into a sideways hug.

"Night sky. What's in your mind?" Blaine's voice is gentle, but Kurt just shakes his head.

"Nothing. Everything's fine," he smiles up at Blaine.

"Ok, if you're sure. How about that movie then?" Blaine asks, and Kurt can't believe he's there, that this wonderful, caring, handsome boy is his boyfriend. Words can make such a big difference. Words like 'boyfriend' can make a huge difference.

They pick a random comedy from Netflix to watch and after a while of awkward shifting around they end up with Blaine sitting up against the wall and Kurt laying half against his chest, with Blaine's arms looped loosely around Kurt's waist. Luckily the movie is not any important piece Kurt has always wanted to see, because he has serious troubles concentrating on anything that happens on the screen of Blaine's laptop. He can feel so many things. He feels Blaine's breath rising and falling in a peaceful rhythm, and how his body subtly moves with Blaine's. He feels Blaine heartbeat faintly from where the back of his head lies on it. He feels Blaine's body radiating warmth all around his body, and also the heat that has nothing to do with the rest of the room and all to do with how Kurt feels inside.

He is thinking about how absolutely wonderful this feels, to be safe in Blaine's arms, warmed by his body and his touch. But he also can't help thinking how he doesn't have any idea what is going to happen. What is supposed to happen. What is expected of him now? If he was alone, that thought might have made him panic a little, and it's so stuck in his head, that only Blaine's constant, distracting presence keeps the panic away. Like a forced calm. What is expected of him?

He doesn't dare to ask, but eventually he can't not anymore. "Blaine?" he asks, trying to make it casual, but his voice comes out small and nervous. Blaine pushes up to press pause on the movie and turns Kurt and himself both so that they are facing each other. He looks into Kurt's eyes as if trying to read everything that is in them and Kurt has never wanted more to turn away. He forces himself not to.

"Ok, please, Night sky. Tell me what's going on?" His voice is so worried, and that's the thing that Kurt focuses on. It gives him just enough courage to voice the question.

"What is going to happen now?" Kurt breathes, and Blaine looks confused.

"What do you mean?"

"Now that we are boyfriends. What is going to happen?" Kurt asks, frustrated that he doesn't have any clue how to put in words what he's really asking without actually saying 'What am I expected to do'. Blaine seems to get the gist of it, even if he still looks a bit confused.

"Kurt. Nothing has to change, not really. 'Boyfriend' is just a title. It's just a word. We can be whatever we want, whatever we are comfortable with. We are still Kurt and Blaine and we have absolutely no hurry to do anything. We'll just do what feels good." Blaine smiles a little gentle smile at him and raises his hand to brush an imaginary lock of hair behind his ear. Kurt feels it like a hot little flash in his stomach, the way Blaine's every touch is so full of tenderness and caring and adoration that Kurt can't help but see and feel and believe it really is what Blaine feels towards him, even if he has no idea how he has managed to earn any of that. How he is worth any of that. Blaine's words calm him a little, but the worry doesn't totally disappear. Because something has definitely changed between them, even if Blaine doesn't admit it. He tries to let Blaine's touch drive the worries away for now, though, and just to trust Blaine. His tender touches feel too good for him to not concentrate on them.

"Ok," he whispers, but the worry is still not all gone yet, a shadow of it still in his eyes and in the slight tension in his body, even as he closes his eyes and leans on Blaine's hand resting on his cheek.

"Open your eyes just for one more second, Night sky," Blaine tells him softly. He does. Blaine's eyes are so warm, staring at his, that he feels they are burning him a little. "I see you are worried, but really, we have all the time in the world and no need to do anything we don't both agree with. Trust me. We can try things, but you can always, always tell me if you don't feel comfortable with anything, or you think something is too much or you don't want it. I promise you I won't be disappointed or angry. And I'll do the same. I promise I'll do the same." For a short second Kurt wants to cry. Blaine's words are so beautiful and so perfect, and so, so tempting for Kurt to just trust them. He almost does. He wants to.

"Ok," he whispers with a rough voice. Blaine gives him a blinding, happy smile, and then kisses him deep without any kind of warning. Kurt doesn't know how he could or would ever resist. The kiss is strong, and intense, so different from the once they've shared before, and after a while Kurt feels Blaine's tongue running over his lower lip. It makes him gasp and Blaine deepens the kiss, now gently brushing into Kurt's mouth with his tongue, and suddenly Kurt realises it's not simple kissing anymore but making out, and oh God he is making out with Blaine. The intoxicating feeling of being wanted and the overwhelming and slightly scary but also so, so mesmerizing feeling of wanting someone like this, and the pure heaven of the idea that they actually both want each other equally much, it all fills his mind. How they can kiss and make out, and do whatever they want, and nothing more than they want. Nothing more than Kurt wants.

It sounds so beautiful. So tempting. If only he could trust that Blaine's words are the truth. If only he could believe that nothing's changed and they can still be whatever Kurt is ready for. If only it could be that simple. But words like 'boyfriend' can and do change everything.

038 - Sebastian

The coffee shop is unusually full for a Sunday afternoon, when they get there to drink coffee, plan further their next photo shoot and to just spend some time together. They've both had some school work to catch up with, and Blaine's been busy arranging their next photo shoot, so they haven't spent a lot of time together the last few days after they agreed to be boyfriends, but they've managed to meet each other one way or another every day. They have been going through ideas for the next photo shoot, because the semester is nearing it's end and Blaine's project is still lacking a lot of photos. He's got six so far, and the minimum is 10, so they need to speed the process up a bit. They've only got a few weeks left after all.

When they had gone through some of the oldest dreams in Kurt's book two days back, one had captured Blaine's attention and imagination. '12. I want to be a mermaid like Ariel.' It was so cute and so much like Kurt, and Blaine could see it so vividly in his mind. Because Kurt would make a wonderful mermaid - or a merman, to be more appropriate. The role couldn't be more perfect for Kurt, when he really thinks about it, because Kurt has that otherworldly quality in him, that makes him look like and elf or some other mysterious, lithe creature of superior powers.

Kurt hadn't been so sure about the idea at first, but Blaine had convinced him in the end. It will be fabulous and Blaine can't wait. He won't have to wait that long, though. Normally he'd spend more time planning a more difficult shoot like this, but they haven't got too much time left. He knows they could do something more simple that doesn't require so much planning, but he really doesn't want to do a half-assed job with these shoots, because they are at least as much for Kurt as they are for his grades. And Kurt definitely deserves the best he can do. Besides, he has always wanted to try underwater photography and he has a wonderful idea. Luckily Kurt had told him he is a fairly good swimmer and diver.

He feels like the initial nervousness Kurt had the day they agreed to become boyfriends has diminished, almost gone, and right now, as he looks into Kurt's eyes across the table, he can feel how much closer he is to the deepest, most real Kurt. So many of those protective walls have fallen down and Kurt is almost completely there, real and in his reach. Even if he is still just an explorer in a new world called Kurt, and has to tread carefully, it's like every day he can see and understand a little more of this strangle planet he's found.

They're talking about the practical things that need to be organised for the photo shoot. They have planned to do it next Wednesday, early morning in the university swimming pool. Really early morning, because that is the only time Blaine had been able to get the pool reserved for them, and the shoot wouldn't be exactly easy to do with other people in there.

"I called the dramatic arts department, and they actually have a mermaid's tail that can be used in the water. I don't know why, and I'm not sure they know either, but we can borrow it anyway." he tells Kurt, excited. They could have done it without the tail, but it certainly will make the photos much better. Kurt smiles his unreserved, happy smile back, the smile that Blaine hasn't seen so much at all until lately, and the idea that he can get that smile out of Kurt is really nice.

"Oh, that's great. Are you sure it will fit me though?" Kurt asks, a bit concerned.

"Yeah, I'm sure. They told me the tail is pretty much a one-size-fits-all, as long as the person isn't too fat. And you are certainly not too fat." Blaine eyes what he can see of Kurt's body approvingly, with a mischievous sparkle in his eye. It makes Kurt blush a bit, but he doesn't comment.

"Our own department has some props we can borrow, I think we can find the rest we need there. We'll just go and pick the things we want to use tomorrow, if you're free?"

Kurt is about to answer him, when someone else's voice pulls their attention. Someone ominously familiar. A someone he really doesn't want to see now, or ever. Oh God, here we go.

"Blaine! Fancy seeing you here!" the voice brawls in a flirty voice and he can hear the smug smirk before he even turns and sees it. He looks at the guy currently standing next to their table, feeling angry already and trying to hold somewhat polite expression but not quite managing.

"Sebastian." he acknowledges. "Such a surprise. Why are you even here?" he's pretty sure his voice tells it's not a pleasant surprise.

"Oh, just visiting a friend." he says dismissively and then gives the flirtiest smile he can manage, which is a lot coming from Sebastian Smythe. "How're your studies? Playing with the fancy cameras and pretty models?" Sebastian winks, pretty annoyingly exaggerated if you ask Blaine. But then again, he's not sure if there's anything Sebastian could do that wouldn't be annoying if you ask Blaine. He'd definitely gotten more than enough of him in high school, and he really does not understand what he could have ever seen in this guy. One of the worse mistakes in my life, he concludes in his head.

"It's going fine, thanks." he says, trying to keep the polite but detached façade and just hoping it would be enough to get Sebastian leave.

"Great." Sebastian said, clearly not interested in the subject. "So have you found a new pretty boy to play with, or are you still pining after me? If you are, we could take a night to… refresh memories," Sebastian smirks and Blaine wants to hit him in the face. Hard. Maybe a little harder. A tiny, almost inaudible, gasp makes him notice Kurt again. He'd forgotten Kurt was even there for a minute, his annoyance at seeing Sebastian momentarily taking all of his attention. Kurt looks uncomfortable and like he's gone a bit pale. And suddenly he can see just how bad this might seem to Kurt. It would be bad to any new boyfriend, but Kurt is much more vulnerable than most guys he could be dating, and it might hit him harder to see Blaine's ex hitting on him and insinuating stuff from their past. Stuff that is unfortunately very true, even if Sebastian's way of telling it is pretty crude.

"Certainly not pining after you," he mutters under his breath, half hoping Sebastian would hear anyway. He smiles at Sebastian, in a way he hopes makes the message very clear even if he didn't hear the words. "Yes, actually, meet my new boyfriend, Kurt," Blaine says to Sebastian, but his whole attention is on Kurt face, doing his best to tell Kurt with his eyes and words that yes, you are my boyfriend and I'm proud of it. Exactly the message that he's trying to send Sebastian as well, actually. Kurt's my boyfriend and he's so much better a choice than you were. Sebastian's eyes narrow a bit, but then he greets Kurt, making a show of how little he thinks of him. Kurt is looking like he wants to run.

"That's nice. I see you are special," very much indicating that special in this case is not a good thing. Blaine thinks that if there was one person on this planet that he hates with all his heart, it would probably be Sebastian. He's prepared to see Kurt shrink or actually bolt, but instead Kurt's eyes flash with something Blaine hasn't seen before.

"Nice to meet you, too, whoever you are," he says quietly, but he's looking Sebastian in the eye, holding his head up high, and there is a subtle sense of some new kind of anger, and possessiveness in his look. It makes Blaine's own face glow with absolute joy, because Kurt is staking his claim, no matter how shy it might be, and it's utterly fascinating. Sebastian smirks again, but tells them he needs to get going then, and waves them goodbye. Blaine watches him go, and then turns his head to Kurt, who is now looking down at the table, all fight gone and left with something Blaine can't quite read. Something that doesn't look all that good.

"Kurt…" he waits until Kurt looks up. It takes a while.

"Who was that?"

"That was Sebastian," Blaine sighs.

"Is he your ex…?" Kurt asks with a small, uncertain voice, and the want to hit Sebastian hard returns.

"Yeah, from high school. Not the best decision I've ever made. More like the worst," Blaine laughs dryly, hoping that Kurt gets the point. That he doesn't want Sebastian. That he wants Kurt. Kurt seems to relax a bit, even if there is still something Blaine can't read in his expression. Something that Kurt has closed off from him.

"I can see that. He wasn't the nicest guy," Kurt says, smiling a little like he's trying to make a joke and lighten the air, but some uncertainly lingers.

"He's an ass," Blaine points out, dead serious. Kurt lets out an honest laugh at that, and it seems he is mostly ok with the situation. Blaine just needs to make sure.

"Kurt? I hope you understand there is nothing that I would want with him again." Kurt's eyes soften at that.

"Yeah, I know. Even I could see that." Kurt says in a way that makes Blaine believe he is telling the truth, even if that unknown little wall that Kurt put up after seeing Sebastian still remains in his eyes, protecting whatever feeling Kurt feels the need to keep from him. But Blaine can see it's not that kind of misunderstanding, just something else that came from their little encounter.

Still, Blaine feels relieved, and simply happy that Kurt is still there and seems to have no misunderstandings about Blaine's feelings for him or other guys. Sebastian is soon forgotten, even though he has a feeling they will need to speak about this more later, because Kurt should know about his past, and preferably get the stories from him instead of some people they meet accidentally. But there's no need to ruin a perfectly good coffee date any more with talk about past mistakes. They'll have time later. And he's sure Kurt will eventually address the subject that's bothering him, when he's ready to talk. As long as Kurt is not completely pushing him away, he doesn't want to push Kurt to come forward too fast either. They have time.

039 - So easy to forget

Blaine! Fancy seeing you here!" Who is this person? How does he know Blaine? He sounds like bad news.

"Sebastian. Such a surprise. Why are you even here?" What is going on? Blaine's voice is weird. I don't like this.

"Oh, just visiting a friend. How're your studies? Playing with the fancy cameras and pretty models?" Oh God. This can't be what I think it is. Just can't.

"It's going fine, thanks." Please leave. Can't you see Blaine doesn't want you here? I really hope Blaine doesn't want you here.

"Great. So have you found a new pretty boy to play with, or are you still pining after me? If you are, we could take a night to… refresh memories." Oh no. No. No no no. I don't want to hear this. Please go. Please don't make Blaine remember something good that he wants. And God, that's what Blaine want's isn't it? How can I ever measure?

"Certainly not pining after you." Thank heavens for that. Maybe Blaine really doesn't want him here. Relief.

"Yes, actually, meet my new boyfriend, Kurt." Blaine's eyes are sincere. He wants me. I have nothing to fear. Nothing. It's all ok. This guy needs to understand it too though. And he needs to leave. Now.

"That's nice. I see you are special." More special than you are at least. I wish I could tell him that. I wish I could tell him Blaine's mine. My boyfriend, not his, not any more. I can see Blaine doesn't want him here. So he needs to leave. I need to do something, fight, whatever, just something. He's like the bullies in high school, but I'm not that boy anymore, and I have something to fight for now.

"Nice to meet you, too, whoever you are." Not quite the cutting remark I wanted to make. But it's something. It just has to do. I hope Blaine's not upset with me, and… oh, Blaine's face, he looks happy. Maybe I did something right. Blaine's smile is so pretty. We're fine.

/

After that Sebastian had left and Kurt was left with the realisation that he had just met Blaine's ex, face to face. An ex he didn't even know about. Oh, he did know Blaine had been with other guys before, it wasn't like it was complete news to him, but this, seeing an actual person and hearing the words, was something he had not been prepared for. It had made it all so much more real. So painfully real.

He knew, already during that encounter and for sure after their conversation afterward, that Blaine really wants him, and the only thing he regrets about this Sebastian guy is that he had ever had anything with him. He's not that blind and he could see the affection and care in Blaine's eyes when he had tried to make sure Kurt was ok with everything. And he is, truly, as long as Sebastian is considered. But another kind of realisation, a painful one, had come with the boy and his words. Sebastian is not his problem, he knows that. He himself is. His weak and scared and pathetic self. The fact of just how much he is in a completely different level than Blaine. And in a way Blaine's cute little space analogy was perfect, because they were worlds apart like that. It's just a matter of time until Blaine realises this planet really is inhabitable for humans.

Sebastian had only confirmed what he had already known deep inside, that Blaine had already had sex, had been in a mature relationships with real men instead of scared little boys like him. He feels so utterly unready to face that truth, and Sebastian had punched it in his face. But he doesn't want to give up on Blaine, not if it's something that he can change. He can't give up, as long as there is something to do about it. He can't lose Blaine just because he was too much a socially awkward penguin to be what Blaine want's and needs and is used to having. If he really is a good boyfriend he'll suck it up and do things, even if they might make him a little uncomfortable, because that's what a real boyfriend is, what a real relationship is. Besides, he has no good reason for being this scared of sexual things, he's an adult for goodness' sake, he should be able to do this by now. There must be something wrong with him if he's not. Not broken but more like fundamentally wrong. He doesn't want to be like that, and he really wants to be a real boyfriend to Blaine, no matter what it might cost him. He's sure it will be worth it in the end.

/

Early Tuesday morning finds them sitting on the edge of the swimming pool, throwing forks and spoons, combs and hair clips, goblets and photo frames in the water. Blaine's glasses too, just to add to the effect. They even found a fake sword. They're still feeling fuzzy from waking up so early, and throwing random props in the water just seems funny, so they giggle like little kids all the while.

Next they need to dive down there to arrange the stuff they've just thrown there to a more esthetically pleasing order, leaving an area free of props in the middle for Kurt's torso to fit there. The idea is for Kurt to wear the deep green mermaid's tail (which they found out fit almost perfectly to Kurt when they tried it the day before), and lie on the bottom of the pool surrounded by all the junk, hands extended a little and holding some stuff they have down there, with his eyes closed and a dreamy smile on his lips. He's supposed to have his legs crooked back, so that the tail fits the frame too. They can't make it in a very deep spot, because it would be super hard to get to the bottom, and the lens of Blaine's camera still needs to be underwater in order to get the shot right, so they can't get Kurt's legs in the photo if he's lying straight. He's going to shoot the scene from almost straight above, and if they both are able to do it right, they should get some cool photos with Ariel-esque vibes.

Kurt can see Blaine is so excited about this, and he knows it's because it's his first time doing underwater shots. He can also sense that Blaine is a bit nervous as well, maybe because he is afraid that he will fail because of his lack of experience, or possibly because he's afraid he will use the underwater bag wrong and ruin his camera. Kurt is nervous, because he has to be underwater and shirtless and have photos taken of him. Have Blaine to see. He feels horribly awkward, quite possibly the most awkward he has ever felt, when he's pulling the tight-fitted tail over his swimming trunks and then doing his best to walk towards the swimming pool with it, making a perfect imitation of the awkward penguin he has been comparing himself to. He wants to run or tell Blaine not to look, or possibly the ground to eat him, because this is not what he signed for.

Blaine is in his swimming trunks too, as he could fall in the water at any moment. He has the kind of chair they use to help handicapped people get in the pool hovering over the water, but it's not exactly very stable to lie over and bend down to take pictures on. But none of that really helps Kurt with this feeling. He huffs an gets in the water, as he hasn't really got any other good choice here.

All of the awkwardness disappears, when he actually gets to the water, testing the tail a bit and figuring how it works. When he dives, closes his eyes and flips the tail experimentally, he can just about forget all of the world around and he can imagine himself turning into this magical creature he is supposed to be representing. It feels magical in the strangest, and best, way. Then he gets up to breathe again, and the magic world vanishes and he's greeted with Blaine's happy, affectionate smile. It's just as good.

During the actual shoots, Kurt get's the hang of what he's supposed to do pretty quickly, and it surprises him how easy it is. In a way, he's not even aware of the camera, or Blaine, or the world. Every time he sinks under water, closes his eyes and pushes the air from his lungs to fall to the bottom and grabs some spoon or comb to hold, the smile he's supposed to have in the photos comes without trying. And, he supposes, it's really fitting for the role, that he was so awkward with this above the ground, but underwater it's the most simple thing in the world, because isn't that how the mermaids are? Then, after ten or twenty seconds of quiet peace, he feels the need for more air again, and when his head breaks the water, the illusion breaks too, but it's all good. It's only a short while and he goes down again. He doesn't even know when he has felt as confident and simply good as he does now.

Of course that feeling doesn't last for long. When Blaine announces that he's ready and that they really need to get all the stuff out of the pool before people start coming in to actually swim, the illusion of power over himself vanishes as fast as it came. Afterwards, when they sit on the bench nearby, Kurt's tail turned into two feet again, wet props lying on a towel to dry and Blaine's arms hugging his towel covered, slightly shivering torso, he is back to the awkward penguin again. Back to real him, just feeling a just that much more vulnerable after his short while of blissful forgetfulness.

He's smiling at Blaine though, hiding his discomfort, because Blaine seems excited and happy and satisfied and it would be a shame to make that go away. It would go away, he knows, because Blaine would be worried about him and asking if he's sure he's okay and the good feeling he's having would be ruined. Kurt doesn't want that. He just wishes he could get dressed and move away and be alone for a while. When he eventually moves to stand up, though, Blaine stands with him, and suddenly Blaine is kissing him almost fiercely, holding him tight against his body, and it feels so good at first. But then Kurt's towel falls and they both are shirtless and wet, and Kurt feels a little cold and a little like he wants to escape right now, because he's not ready for this. Vert soon it feels too much, and he's never been more aware of how thin and pale and unattractive his body is and he feels like he's completely naked in front of Blaine even though he knows he has the trunks on, and he is so not ready for this, and surely Blaine must realise how horribly ugly and unsexy he truly is, and there's something else he can't quite understand telling him that he doesn't want to be there, and he has no cover for himself and he really kind of needs it to stop now.

But he can't stop. He can't run. This is exactly what he promised himself earlier, that he would be a real boyfriend for Blaine. This is what real boyfriends do, they kiss without shirts on and they want to do it because it feels good. And it does feel good, God it does, because Blaine is a wonderful kisser and he is so sexy and there is no way Kurt couldn't want him, even if he feels like he himself doesn't fit the scene at all. So he stays, and he kisses Blaine back, pulls Blaine against him even tighter, and forces the discomfort go away, because this is not supposed to feel anything else but wonderful. And when Blaine answers with trying to pull him even closer and letting out a tiny whine, he thinks this has to be the right thing to do. This is good. This is how it's supposed to be, no matter what his stupid feelings are saying. He can push the bad feelings away and almost, almost believe nothing is wrong.

And when they finally separate, get dressed and say goodbyes with smiles and little kisses, he feels like he had just imagined all that discomfort, because this moment, right now, with Blaine is perfect. It feels so right. It truly feels like it's supposed to be, and all those bad feelings are just a distant echo of a thought in the back of his head. So easy to forget.