031 - Finally

When Blaine leaves, Kurt just wants to sleep and think about the whole thing more tomorrow. It's too difficult a subject to dwell on now, how Blaine practically told him that he only kissed him for the dream. It is one thing to know it and one thing to hear it confirmed. He is so tired of being put down and used. And just like that, some very unfamiliar, and very empowering, kind of deep anger rises inside him. How dared Blaine do that to him? How dared Rachel call Blaine to come here, when she didn't even know what happened? Why does everyone else have the right to decide for him how he feels and what he needs? And how can he himself just let people do it without even resisting? He feels anger towards the world, towards Blaine, towards himself for being so weak, he feels absolutely furious and that makes him get out of the bed and run to the door.

Rachel calls to him but he just flips her the bird (for what is probably the first time he has ever done that to anyone in his life) and starts to run down the stairs. He is fuming and it also makes him feel strangely good, because finally, finally he is doing something for himself, finally he is fighting instead of running away from people who hurt him. The pattern has been going for too long, but no more, he will change it even if it's the hardest thing he will ever do. Even if it's something he has to do things he would normally never dare to, like what he is doing right now.

He sees Blaine from above, just about to open the door, and shouts for him to wait. Blaine turns and his eyes widen as he sees Kurt, running down the last steps before stopping in front of him, panting slightly and probably bright red with anger. Then Kurt starts to yell, loud.

"You know what, Blaine? You don't get to do that and just leave with a 'sorry'. You don't get to have that conversation with me and just leave. You don't get to kiss me and then apologise afterwards, because that is unfair and hurtful and a horrible thing to do and I won't let you leave with that!" Kurt stops to breathe for a second, and notices that Blaine has gone slightly pale. He won't let Blaine think about a defense though, because now it's his turn in the spotlight.

"How could you, Blaine? How could you just kiss me like that, without asking or explaining, how could you decide to fulfil my dream for me like that? Because, you know what, that did not fulfil anything! Not a single fucking thing!" Kurt is momentarily shocked that he cursed, because that never happens, but then the anger distracts him again. "That dream was written by a lonely boy who wanted to find a true love, and yeah, maybe it was naïve, and maybe I'm so pathetic that no one will ever want to voluntarily kiss me, but it doesn't give you the permission to steal that kiss from me! I'm tired of people deciding things for me! How could you just decide that you get to be the guy who gives me my first kiss? And even if I wanted you to be my first kiss, how could you ever think that I would want it to happen because of a stupid fucking dream in my book? How bad do you think that makes me feel? How pathetic do you think that makes me? That the only way I could get that kiss of my dreams was because I am some charity case for the guy, some silly little ugly duckling you are helping to make you feel like a good person? Because you are not a hero, Blaine! What you did was wrong and I'm not going to let you walk away with it!"

Kurt stops his yelling to breathe, not ready to quit yet, but the quiet that falls over them when he stops startles him momentarily. He realises just how loudly he has been yelling, almost screaming in the end, and he also notices that there are tears falling down his face. Suddenly the spotlights turned only on him feel like they are burning him a little. He's pretty sure he is uglier than ever, with his face red and blotchy with the anger, his hair and clothes messed up with the sleep, his eyes red with the crying and his nose slightly stuffed. Knowing how bad he must looks makes him only angrier though, and he hates the fact that Blaine isn't even defending himself.

"Why aren't you saying anything?! Don't you have anything to say for yourself? Why aren't you fighting back?" he cries, frustrated, more and more annoyed by the fact that Blaine is just standing there, staring at him, looking scared. "Say something!" After a second Blaine opens his mouth.

"Kurt…" he manages to get out. He looks like in pain. Kurt doesn't want him to be in pain, because Kurt is the one hurting here. Blaine has no right to be in pain; he's supposed to be the strong one of them.

"Kurt, I never once thought to kiss you because I wanted to make your dream come true." Blaine's voice is pleading for Kurt to hear and understand what he's saying, "I was happy and yeah, the dream in your book gave me the thought to do it, but I did it because I wanted to. God, I've wanted to for so long, you don't even know, Kurt." Blaine looks Kurt in the eye all through his revelation and Kurt doesn't know what to think. He doesn't even know what that means. He doesn't know anything. He doesn't see from behind the lights.

"…What?"

"I can't believe you never saw it, but Kurt, I've liked you for so long. You're gorgeous, and funny, and so smart, you have such a kind, caring heart, and the most unique mind, and whenever I see glimpses of the real you behind the mask you show to the world, God, you are the most real person I know." Kurt tries to understand what the words mean, and he's getting there, Blaine is saying he likes Kurt, but then Blaine continues. "I tried to stop myself from feeling this way, but I can't and I'm sorry. For that and for the kiss." Blaine looks down then and Kurt's anger gets up again at Blaine's apology, twice as hot.

"What do you mean 'tried to stop it'? What are you saying, exactly, Blaine? Are you saying that I'm such a stupid, hopeless case that you hated the idea of falling for me? I wasn't good enough for you?" his voice is rising again. "And don't you dare apologise for the kiss!" he adds.

"Kurt, no!" Blaine's voice is slightly horrified. "No, of course I didn't think you weren't good enough for me! If someone isn't good enough, it's me. When I heard your story about the bullies, I just didn't want to cause you any more discomfort or pain. And our project was so important for you, I couldn't jeopardise it by showing you feelings you didn't return." Blaine looks like Kurt should understand this, but the only thing Kurt understands is that Blaine is a fucking idiot.

"What in the world made you think I wouldn't return your feelings?" he shouts. Blaine looks like someone hit him. Kurt's glad. "What do you even know about my discomfort and pain?! I didn't want a frigging guidance counselor, I wanted you, whatever the hell you are!" Kurt feels ridiculously good shouting all these curse words, they make him feel strong. They are maybe not him, but he is here on the stage with the lights pointing at him and he can do anything, and he doesn't want to let go of this power. Even if a new kind of awareness is coming to him slowly, telling him something very important is happening right now.

"I just wanted to help you!" Blaine says back, for the first time filled with a little anger back. The lights are turned on both of them now and that makes it easier in some ways.

"Well, news flash, you didn't!" Kurt retorts. It looks like Blaine's initial answer to that is pushed back from the tip of his tongue, just in time, and he comes up with another, more safe one.

"You say you wanted me, then why didn't you tell me?" he asks, angry and pleading at the same time.

"Did you already forget what you just told me? You pushed me away because you didn't want to bother me with your feelings! How do you think I would have dared to tell my knight in shining armor anything when he keeps holding me away with his pretty lance?!"

"Fine, I'm sorry, ok! I really am! I'm an idiot and it's all my fault!" Blaine says back, not quite shouting, but still heated, raising his hands and flopping then down in some sort of desperation. For some reason that makes Kurt deflate a little.

"No it's not. It's not all about you." Kurt says, firm and accusing but calmer. The stage lights dim, and all looks more real. Blaine makes a little involuntary move as a new kind of understanding sparks in his eyes.

"That's what Zach tried to tell me," he mutters.

"What?"

"Zach told me the same thing, a little while ago." he says, louder, looking at Kurt in the eyes again. Kurt huffs out an involuntary laugh.

"I never pictured him as the wise one." Blaine chuckles a little helplessly at that.

"You are an idiot." Kurt states. Then he notices how he has been getting nearer to Blaine this whole time, how close they have been standing during the last part of the yelling match, the last retorts shouted at each others faces. Kurt raises his hand, and hits Blaine's chest with a loose fist, with no real strength in it. "You are such an idiot." he repeats, and sniffles once.

"I know. Zach told me that too." Blaine says, with a tiny smile.

"Wise man, that Master Zach." Kurt mutters and hits Blaine again. Then he kisses Blaine, hard, fuelled with the remains of the anger he still feels. Blaine kisses him back, and the kiss somehow turns tender somewhere in the middle of it. Before Kurt can truly feel it though, Blaine pulls back, still holding him.

"I'm so sorry, Kurt, for kissing you like that yesterday," he says, eyes honest and pleading. Kurt's eyes flash with anger again.

"No! You don't apologise for that. I don't want an apology, I want it to be real."

"It was real, honestly, it was my dream come true too, Kurt. I had been wanting to do it for so long, I just always thought that I couldn't."

"You are such a stupid fucking bastard," Kurt mutters into Blaine's neck.

"I'm sorry I ever made you think like I didn't want it. That I didn't want you. Because I do want you, so much."

Blaine kisses Kurt this time, and he feels the anger finally ebb away as he really feels the soft touch of Blaine's lips. Which also leaves him with the realisation that they have been having their shouting match in the hallway in front of the main door of the building, and some old granny is peeking through her door a little further down the hallway. The stage lights are turned off, the play is finished, and the auditorium is filled with light again. Kurt blushes hard and tries to pull from Blaine, back to his normal frame of mind, feeling shy and kinda like running away from the situation.

Blaine pecks his lips once more and tells him, "I will never feel sorry for kissing you, as long as you want it." Kurt smiles a little at that. Blaine starts to gently pull him up the stairs.

"Come on, Kurt. I think we need to talk some more."'

032 - After the storm

Blaine's head is so messed up. He had an idea, or he thought he had, when he pulled Kurt up the stairs, but now that their sitting on Kurt's bed and Rachel has awkwardly excused herself from the apartment, he has no clue what he is going to say. It feels surprisingly awkward, because just twenty minutes ago Blaine was so sure that he and Kurt would never be anything, and then Kurt had yelled at him (and who was that yelling person even, because he doesn't know that Kurt) and it felt even worse for a while, until he started to really hear what Kurt was saying and he was filled with both guilt, and anger, and increasing hope. Then the kiss had happened and now suddenly they are... together? What? He doesn't know what they are. Or what even happened, not really. It had been one big hurricane, strong and fast, turning everything upside down. But this awkward doesn't feel that bad at all, not like it did earlier, because Kurt kissed him and they are still holding hands. Until Kurt pulls his hand away and hugs himself with it.

"Blaine, I… uh, I'm sorry I screamed at you like that, I don't know what got to me.. Or, I do know, I was angry and maybe I still am a little, but.. I never scream. I'm never angry like that. I'm just… not." Kurt looks more bewildered and confused than sorry as he speaks, looking at his lap.

"You were right, though, about a lot of things. And you definitely had a right to be angry." He says, trying to make it come across as honest as he feels it is. He tries to catch Kurt's eyes and smiles a little self-deprecatingly when he does. "God knows I've been so stupid."

Kurt lets out a little, shaky laugh. "Yeah, I guess so. But so have I."

"How so?"

"I've… well, I've liked you for so long, almost since we met, but I.. I always thought you could never be interested in me, because you were so out of my league.." Kurt struggles with the words, blushing and not meeting Blaine's eye now. Blaine thinks he is so cute, and oh God, is he actually allowed to think that? Is he allowed to say that?

"And all the while I was liking you just the same, thinking you didn't need me like that…"

"I really can't understand where you got that idea," Kurt mutters, a little bit dismay in it again, just enough to show that he really doesn't like that particular thought of Blaine's.

"I guess I was just trying to be a hero… And maybe I was insecure as well, afraid that I would hurt you and how that would then hurt me. Or something. I don't even know." Blaine feels pretty stupid. But then he feels Kurt's fingers gently, hesitantly brushing his knuckles, and suddenly he doesn't feel that bad at all.

"But were here now," Kurt whispers.

"Guess that counts as something, " Blaine gives Kurt a crooked little smile and gets one back. His heart makes a happy little skip. It's all so open still and he doesn't know anything that is to come, but they are sitting on Kurt's bed holding hands and smiling and it does really count as something. It's already huge.

They sit in silence for a while after that, looking around and sometimes at each other, occasionally smiling a little and then more thoughtful again, errant fingers cautiously mapping out each others hands all the while. It's peaceful. They both have a lot to think, Blaine knows, and they have a lot to talk, but he guesses they both need this little moment to just make sure the other one is really there and trying to wrap their minds around everything. There is so much to figure out yet. So many questions are going through Blaine's head, and after a while, one just slips out from his mouth, without planning.

"Did you really like me ever since the day we met?" he asks, and Kurt's eyes widen in surprise. Then he blushes a little.

"Well not.. not the first day. I was scared of you then.. But when you left me that photo.. and when you asked me for coffee- well, you were this awesome, handsome, cool guy and how couldn't I?" Kurt's looking the other way, sounding shy and embarrassed, but still smiling. Blaine's smile is almost involuntary, in the sense that he couldn't possibly have stopped it even if he tried. He doesn't really feel like trying.

They talk a lot after that, a little awkwardly, a little embarrassed, a little scared even, as they try to tell each other about their real feelings, and explain their thoughts of what had been going on before. They don't say it all, saving more intimate and dangerous details to themselves. Blaine feels he's not ready to confess everything yet and he can feel Kurt is keeping some things from him too, but that's ok. It's already more than enough for today. They explain and ask, and they groan together at all the misunderstandings they have had and admonish each other a bit more for not seeing the other's point of view, but it's all gentle and careful and shy, and they never stop holding hands, even though their hands start to feel hot and damp at some point, because it's way too nice and they have been waiting for it way too long.

Eventually the topic of their history leading to this point is exhausted for now, and they are left with the present and the future. Which feels still so very open and fragile, like the whole thing could be blown away any minute by the weakest gust of wind.

"What are we?" Kurt asks quietly.

"I don't know? What do you want us to be?" Blaine asks, trying to dig the answer from Kurt's eyes. Kurt turns away.

"I… I guess I really don't know. I'm sorry, I just.. I never really thought this could happen, even, so I never thought what would come next." Kurt looks vulnerable now, trying to hide into himself, and Blaine wants to hug him, so bad. Then he realises he can, now, and wow isn't that a wonderful thought, so he does. He wraps his free arm around Kurt's shoulders, not too hard so as to let Kurt have his space. Kurt freezes for a second but then leans against him, just a bit.

"There's no hurry." Blaine says. Kurt doesn't answer for a while.

"I'm just… I don't know anything. This is so new, and foreign. It feels unreal. Good, but so unreal." A pause. "I'm a little scared, Blaine." The last part comes out so quiet Blaine almost doesn't hear it. Blaine's heart aches for Kurt a bit, he sounds so overwhelmed. He can only imagine how hard it is for Kurt to say that out loud. To admit he is afraid.

"Don't be. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"I'm not sure what I'm really ready for. I really like you but it's just.. it's just a lot. I'm sorry." Blaine hugs him a little tighter, hoping to reassure him that he doesn't have to be sorry and that Blaine understands. Because he does. Who hasn't been there? Who hasn't felt a bit over their head at the first mutual crush with someone? Who hasn't been afraid by the newness of it? And with Kurt, shy and scared of all people Kurt, it must be such a huge, scary thing to like somebody in this new way, making himself so vulnerable in front of another person. Hell, it's huge and scary for Blaine too, even though it's not his first time with a guy. It's different and it's new because this is Kurt and Kurt is real in a completely new way to him.

"Don't be sorry. It's all ok. You don't have to be ready for anything right now. We don't have to be anything yet… Or ever, if you never feel like it. We'll just see what comes, okay?"

"Okay." Kurt sighs, nuzzling on Blaine's shoulder a little, so carefully, body still a bit tense, like a rabbit testing this new friendly predator, ready to flee if Blaine ends up trying to bite him after all. Blaine feels the overwhelming need to protect as he tips his own head to gently lean on Kurt's. It's been such a storm and now they're left to find where they have been thrown by the violent gusts. But, even if the world they know is left in pieces, at least the tornado is gone and the skies are slowly clearing.

After a small silence he hears Kurt say through a shy but self-satisfied smile "The yelling felt good though." Blaine let out a startled laugh.

"I bet it did." he smiled and thought, how wonderful can one person be?

033 - A dream

It's quiet. It's already gone dark outside long ago, but they haven't bothered to turn on the lights, so Kurt can barely see around him. But sight doesn't matter. They are lying on Kurt's bed, side by side, hands touching. They have been talking until just recently, but now they have somehow lost the conversation. It's not really needed in this moment, because being close is already good.

After their discussion earlier, they had gone for a quick dinner outside and then come back in again. They had been talking about random things after that, both feeling that there had already been enough heavy stuff for the day. They had watched a movie and cuddled a little, and it had been all so new to Kurt. New and wondrous. At some point Rachel had come back, but she had gone straight to her side of the curtain, telling them she would be wearing headphones and listening to music real loud, so they hadn't been afraid to talk while she was there. They had kissed, once or twice, just small little kisses, testing the waters in a way.

Kurt had felt so incredibly light that evening. After the fight and after all the hard topics had been covered, the mood had just been easy, and Kurt hadn't wanted - still doesn't want to - think about what is to come, any of the scary stuff, and just enjoy this moment when he gets to hold Blaine's hand and feel his presence and know he is allowed to touch him and think about him and enjoy him. And, the absolute best part, he knows now that Blaine likes him back, for whatever reason, but he does like Kurt anyway. Blaine wants to hold his hand just as much as he does, and it's wonderful, unreal, magical.

There is so much that Kurt still doesn't know or understand. He doesn't know why everything happened. Why did it all come up now? And how did it all change so radically that they ended up like this - whatever this is? There is also the question of when does this beautiful dream end? Because it doesn't feel real, it feels like just a fragile dream, and he's so afraid that it will disappear and be lost just as easily. He doesn't know how he has deserved this. Or how could this even happen to him, deserved or not. How can Blaine of all people really like him? He wouldn't believe it, but Blaine is lying there all the while he's thinking this, so there has to be some truth in it.

He doesn't trust it will last yet. He's sure it will all fall down at some point, sooner or later. There is so many aspects in this new strange situation that just can't hold together. Not like this, not forever. But Kurt doesn't want to imagine forever yet, not even next week or tomorrow. He feels Blaine's body radiating heat on his own skin and that is enough to make all the pain that could come worth it. No matter even if it will break him. Because what he has now, in this second, is more beautiful than he ever thought life has to offer. So he will fight for it, no more letting go. No more running away. No more hiding. Even if he will eventually fall, he will take this dream for everything it's worth.

"Blaine?" he says eventually, his voice almost rough by the momentary lack of use.

"Hmm?"

"I promise I won't run away again." he whispers, and hopes that Blaine will understand what he really means. That when he will eventually be scared again, because he will, he will try his best to face it, because Blaine is worth it all. Even if the promise sounds impossible to him right now, he wants to give it. Blaine is quiet for a second and Kurt can almost feel him thinking.

"That's good. Thank you. But you don't have to promise that. You can run away if you need to. I just really hope you would come back after." Blaine says, talking slowly, turning at one point to face Kurt even though they can only see shadows. Kurt feels a strange lump in his throat at the words, it's sweet in a way he couldn't even imagine before, it's the kind of thing that shows how Blaine really accepts him with all his imperfections and incompleteness.

"I will." he answers, and hopes it will be enough for Blaine, because he doesn't know if he would be able to say any more. It's all so new yet, so new that he can't trust it to hold, but he thinks he will always return, at the very least to say goodbye, or to explain. He can't promise a future together, but he can promise this.

Blaine raises up a little bit to lean on the headboard more. Kurt moves a little sideways, so carefully, still afraid that Blaine will push him away, not daring to believe he is allowed to do this, and places his head on Blaine stomach. He hears Blaine let out a tiny little gasp and he is already ready to move away, but before he can do it he feels Blaine's fingers touch his hair. He feels them tremble a bit as they stroke his hair, but when he doesn't move away, they become more sure. Kurt can't believe how comforted and safe that simple gesture makes him feel. Blaine's stokes feel almost absentminded, and so very gentle, just fleeting, light touches on his head. It tingles and it's perfect.

After a while his thoughts start to wander aimlessly, just noting things around him. He looks at the comforter underneath them, covering the bed, and thinks how the dark blue colour looks black now. How the solid blue of the window curtains is now stained with shadows, made by unnamed objects between the lights outside and his window. He hears Rachel rustle a little on her side of the curtains, and thinks he can hear the soft echo of music from her headphones. He feels Blaine's heartbeat underneath him, and realises that it was much faster when he first pressed his head on his stomach, but it's slower now, peaceful and steady. Blaine's fingers have slowed too, but still moving errantry. His own hands are lying idly and his legs are almost over the edge of the bed.

He closes his eyes, and the sounds from outside feel suddenly louder, the never sleeping city infiltrating his little bubble, without breaking it. He hears Blaine breathing, almost silently, and without really thinking he starts to breath in sync. The feel of Blaine's fingers moving is somehow more pronounced. He concentrates on it and after a while it's quite hard to really concentrate on anything any more. The last thought is more like a feeling, just a thought of how good the whole moment feels, and then there are no clear thoughts anymore.

/

When he wakes up again, a few hours later, he notices that Blaine has fallen asleep too, leaning against the headboard awkwardly, and his neck must really hurt. He feels groggy, not really fully awake, but his chest aches with the realisation that they had fallen asleep together, that he had fallen asleep on Blaine, that Blaine had fallen asleep with his fingers in Kurt's hair. It's almost too much. He doesn't even think of the possibility of sending Blaine home, he just tries to move Blaine to a better position so he can sleep more comfortably. Blaine wakes a bit too, enough to move them both side by side on the bed and wrap his arm around Kurt. It all just feels so very perfect that it can't be more than a dream, and in his half asleep state there's not much to make those two different, just the fact that he could never have imagined the weight of Blaine's arm around his chest, and how easy it is to fall back to sleep just like that.

Maybe they don't know what they are yet, and maybe what comes tomorrow won't be perfect and free of difficulties and pain, but at least at this moment there is not a single thing that feels wrong.