028 - Thinking back

Thinking about the day as a whole, Blaine can't really see how a day that started so well and showed every sign of becoming even better could become such a catastrophic failure in mere seconds, by a single relapse of judgement. But if Blaine is both honest and fair to himself, it is easy to understand why it all happened, why he did what he did.

He had been so excited about his sudden idea of a field trip of sorts and when Kurt had agreed (slightly hesitantly, sure, but still agreed) to go with him, he had been consumed by the spontaneity and inspirationality of the whole thing. Kurt had seemed happy too, and that made most of the fun, because this was mostly Blaine wanting to show Kurt something new and challenge him a bit to get out of his comfort zone, and it seemed to have worked. Their little break-in, Kurt being mesmerised by the stage and singing, even if Blaine hadn't actually heard anything, them being chased out of the building and finally their laughing fit outside the building had given him a carefree and happy feeling. He thought he had finally seen glimpses of the boy that Kurt's mother had named songbird. He felt like laughing, like he should just feel the world and do things, a sort of invincibility, like nothing he did now could go wrong. He let his guard down, and Kurt had seemed so carefree too, and that, of course, had been the reason things went so badly wrong.

After their laughter died he had felt like he really wanted to do more, because the theater visit had already been so much fun. So he just suggested that they do another dream, throwing a random number from the top of his head. Then Kurt had blushed and he had immediately known it must be something important. Some other day, some other moment, he would probably have let Kurt decide, whether or not he wants to show it to him, but today he just went and read it. And when he saw the dream a younger Kurt had written in his book, an innocent dream of wanting to kiss someone and be that near to another person, and seeing it not crossed out as if it had never happened yet... It made Blaine's heart twist. And, because of the way he was now, still feeling like he could and should do anything, and also because of what Zach had told him about being more honest about himself with Kurt, he had just gone and kissed Kurt.

If he had spent a few more seconds really thinking through his idea, he probably would not have done it. Being honest about his feelings and more real towards Kurt was one thing and jumping on him without letting him decide whether he wanted it was another. But, like already told, Blaine wasn't thinking in that moment, so he just went with it. And, for those few seconds, it was pure wonder. Kurt's lips were soft and quivering just a little, his cheek was silky smooth under Blaine's hand and after a while of stunned hesitation, Kurt kissed him back.

Then, like a lightning had hit between them, they were separated and there was a distance between them. For a second Blaine didn't get what was happening, he just stood and watched a blushing and panicked Kurt desperately pushing his book back into his bag, muttering something he couldn't quite catch and then half running away towards the direction of the nearest subway station. And then it hit him, like another bolt of lightning, more painful. What he had done (kissed Kurt), what he hadn't done (asked him first), and how, knowing him as well as Blaine already did, Kurt would react to something like that, regardless of how he felt about Blaine (getting scared, panicking, running away). Blaine didn't go after him, because there was no way that would help now.

Thinking back now, Blaine doesn't know if he could have stopped anything from happening. Maybe he could have, but now there is absolutely nothing he can do. He had been no better than the bully from Kurt's high school, kissing him forcefully, not giving him a chance to decide whether to pull away or lean forward, or even time to realise what was happening. Kurt was fragile in ways most of the guys Blaine has crushed on before weren't, and that made it even worse. And if he understood the dream in Kurt's book right, this was Kurt's first kiss with someone Kurt trusted, a nice guy, and there is a terrible kind of irony there. Kurt had got what he wished for, a kiss from a nice guy, but in a fashion that could hurt him just as deep, possibly even deeper, than what his bully had done.

So, Blaine doesn't know if he could have changed anything, and he doesn't want to go back to hating himself for everything he has done again, but he feels a horrible kind of pain in his chest for what he did. Once again his carelessness has hurt Kurt, when that is the last thing Blaine ever wants to do. Zach had told him that it's probable he will hurt Kurt again, but he hadn't expected it to happen so soon. Not like this. Because of his obliviousness or lack of understanding, maybe, but not this, because if he had just stopped to think today, he would have known this was a bad idea.

Blaine stands in front of a mirror in his and Zach's bathroom and watches his own face, so serious and painful now. He doesn't know what to do to make this better. He has no idea if there even is anything he could do at the moment. He thinks he just has to let Kurt decide if he wants to come back to this person in front of him, if he still is a nice guy to Kurt, a someone that Kurt can trust, or if that is all gone.

/

The next day Blaine is walking towards one of the student cafeterias, pulling his scarf tighter around his neck as the cold wind bites his skin, when Aino is suddenly there, waving her hand a little and smiling a small smile in greeting. He stops, because he doesn't want to be rude, but he doesn't know what to say to her. She is silent at first too, before she asks with a friendly smile "Have you seen Kurt lately?" Blaine's heart makes a tiny, painful twist and a little lump forms in his throat.

"Um.. yesterday," he manages to say, "yesterday I went with him to the theater district." He tries to smile, but the smile is awkward and fake. Aino seems to see through it, and it's like nothing people feel ever passes her notice, he thinks, but she doesn't push.

"I see," she gives him another friendly smile, more compassionate now, and Blaine suddenly understands why Kurt felt at ease with this girl so fast. "How are you?" she asks, and it's a real question, not an empty phrase.

"I don't know," Blaine answers honestly, feeling a little helpless.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she offers. He looks at Aino in the eyes for a second, and decides on something quickly.

"No I'm ok, thank you. You could go meet Kurt, though. I think he would be happy to see you." Blaine tries to be subtle, so as not to let on too much about what happened, because he doesn't want to betray Kurt's trust, but thinking that Kurt could probably really benefit of every friend he can have around, especially someone calm and nice and understanding like Aino. She really is so much better for Kurt than he is. Aino looks at him thoughtfully. Understanding flashes in her eyes.

"I think I might." she says and Blaine feels weirdly thankful. She hesitates, but then says "Don't look like all hope is lost. Even the most complicated things can be solved if you just both want it." It feels like she's teaching him, but she softens it with her shy smile. Blaine doesn't understand how she knows, when she clearly hasn't heard any of what has happened.

"Have a nice day, Blaine" she says and starts to walk to the direction where Blaine just came from.

"You, too." he says to her turned back. She turns her head to send him one more smile, and he feels a tiny bit better.

029 - Giving up

Blaine is kissing him. When the understanding of that finally comes to him, he kisses back. This is what he has been dreaming about ever since he met Blaine, and the reality is even better, because Blaine is solid and there and it's full with scents and feel and sounds, instead of a hazy dream… Dream. Full stop. The question Blaine asked before the kiss runs through his head. 'Am I nice enough to count…' Is Blaine nice enough to count? Count for what? For fulfilling the dream desperate teenage Kurt had written in his book. That's it, the truth, right there. Blaine is kissing him just to fill another dream of his, just like he had promised. He had said they would do any dream and given a random number. He's just fulfilling his promise. He is not kissing Kurt, because he wants to, but because of a stupid dream.

Kurt needs to get away. He jumps out of Blaine's touch like it burns (and it does). He puts his book away and runs, the only goal in his head to get far away before letting the full awareness get to him, before letting the tears come. Because they will. Nothing has changed after all, not inside him. He is still the same pathetic, silly little boy dreaming the wrong dreams, the dreams he won't ever have. The same stupid boy, who always cries, because that's the one thing he's good at.

/

The next day finds him near the graphic arts section on the second floor of the university library, leaning his back against the rows of books, between the shelves 225 and 226. The Eyes of Ice is open in his lap, but his eyes are closed, his head lying against the books. It's the first time in over a month he is here, not to study but just to find shelter and to hide. He hasn't been hiding for a long time, not really. He has had panic attacks, he's been desperate and felt hopeless sometimes, he has run away from people and from problems, but he hasn't felt the numb need to fade away, to be forgotten.

But now, here he is. In the same place where Blaine found him so many weeks ago. The corner is the same, all the same books in the same order, not a person in sight. These books are neglected and forgotten by people, they are too outdated and about unpopular subjects. Very fitting for him.

He doesn't want to feel like this, doesn't want to go back to pitying himself and disliking everything that he is, not believing in anything he could be. He has gotten a taste of what life could be, of what he could be, and this hiding doesn't feel as good as it used to. It feels more like a prison, now, than a safe nest. But he can't help but to feel this is all he can have, at least for now. This is the only sure, stable thing he has. The only thing he won't lose.

He had known that the seed of hope would be painful. It is. Because honestly, if he had just realised from the start that Blaine only kissed him for the dream, he would have taken it gladly. He would have been thankful even, that he got to taste that small piece of heaven on Blaine's lips. But that day and everything that happened right before the kiss had filled him with the hope, and for a few blissful, ignorant seconds he had believed that what was happening was real, that Blaine had kissed him because he truly wanted to. He had seen what could be and believed it would become true. And the fall from that to back here, in this godforsaken corner in the library, was too high to leave him undamaged.

He sighs and get's up. As he does, he glances back to the book in his hands, sees the page where, just when Marie and Aenor had been reunited and thought all would be well, everything falls to shit and they need to run to save their lives. Why does it always have to go that way? Why do they always have to fall when they think they have gotten to a high place, where nothing can touch them? He gets back home and Rachel is there, trying to make him talk about it, but he doesn't want to. Why should he talk, what good could it bring now? He feels tired, and he knows it is because he has given up. Given up on a lot of things, on his dreams of Blaine, on a lot of other dreams, on himself even, on his hope of getting better and finding the person he is. it's different from panicking, more calm and also much more disappointing. Giving up makes him hate himself, not the world around, and he doesn't like it one bit.

Aino comes a few hours later, and he is happy to see her face, but the depression is seeping into his pores and he doesn't really get what she is saying. He hears but doesn't hear. When she leaves, he feels more helpless than in a long time, and that makes him acutely aware of just how much he is fighting all the time, even when he feels like he is never going to be anything. And suddenly he knows again that he can't be like this forever, he has people to answer to, and he'll be there fighting again soon. He owes that to people, to himself. He knows he has to get out of it, eventually. He needs to face the world, face Blaine, and try to gather himself in one piece again. Tomorrow he'll get up deciding that he can survive, to be a Hummel like his dad has said to him so many times, but today he still feels too tired. He just needs this one night to let it all lay to rest. Tomorrow, he'll have the courage.

He doesn't explain this trail of thought to Rachel, though, so she has no way of knowing Kurt latest decision. What she sees is a Kurt who is more down and lifeless than she has ever seen him, and she knows it's something concerning Blaine, because Aino told her about her meeting with Blaine earlier and, frankly, she doesn't think anyone else could get Kurt into this kind of state. She feels angry, because Blaine had let himself into Kurt's life, Blaine had been the one to insist being there and putting himself in a position where he had the power to affect Kurt like this, and now he has done whatever it is he's done to make Kurt lose himself like this. She feels angry, because her friend is hurting and she can't do much anything to change it.

So she finds Kurt's phone, goes to Blaine's number and presses call. A flustered Blaine answers with a stumbling "H-hello? Kurt?" She doesn't let Blaine talk more, though.

"It's Rachel, Kurt's roommate and best friend. You just listen to me, now. I don't know what happened, but Kurt is miserable and it's your fault. He's been talking about you so much and how could you? My dads have taught me to always take responsibility of my actions, and it seems someone should teach you the same lesson." She huffs dramatically. She knows she's not making a lot of sense, but she just needs to get her message across and also vent to someone because her best friend is hurting. Strictly speaking she isn't sure it is Blaine's fault in any way, but it has to be somebody's fault and Blaine is the main suspect.

Blaine tries to say something, but Rachel interrupts him again. "Just get yourself here and deal with this. Apologise of whatever, I don't know, just do what you have to to get things better."

"I'm not sure if Kurt wants to see me right-" Blaine starts, but Rachel is not in the mood for listening.

"I don't care! You started this, you need to face it too, and not hide away like a coward. If you don't come now, don't expect to be welcome later!" She shuts the phone as angrily as possible with a touch screen phone, regretting the fact how unsatisfactorily neutral it is to hang up on someone on a cell phone. It'd nothing like the good old days with heavy receivers to smash on the poor machines. You can't even press the end call button hard with a touch screen.

A slight suspicion is creeping in her mind that what she just did might not have been the best possible option in this situation. She really doesn't know what has happened, and she does not know how Kurt will react if Blaine really comes in now. Kurt might take it badly, because on the bad days he always wants to be left alone. Usually he decides when he's ready to face people and nothing good comes from trying to talk to him before. She feels a bit uneasy and a bad feeling crawls over her - the awareness that this might actually end up worsening the situation - and she's tempted to call Blaine again and tell him not to come. But it's already done and she doubts her call would change things now. Besides, she's not good at telling people she was wrong. She just hopes Kurt won't be worse off because of it, or, more acutely, be angry and break her bones, because she needs them intact for the dance lessons in NYADA.

030 - Nothing to apologise for

Blaine feels so over his head as he stands behind Kurt and Rachel's appartment door and tries to find the courage to knock. Rachel phone call had been a bit of a shock and after it he had only thought he needed to go visit Kurt, but not really what was going to happen. Kurt was obviously angry at him, otherwise Rachel wouldn't know to blame him. So he needs to go and try to make things better, like Rachel said. On the way there he had resolved that he needed to give Kurt space to share his thoughts and to not push his feelings to the conversation too much. He violated Kurt, so Kurt should be the one who decides what happens now. But, if he can, he also wants to make Kurt sure that he really wanted the kiss and that he has feelings for Kurt. It's time to be honest, at least as honest as he can without hurting Kurt any more. But, no matter what decisions he may have made, he still doesn't know how Kurt will react to him coming or to anything, so he will let Kurt lead.

He takes a deep breath and knocks. The door opens with a loud screech and Blaine sees a small but fierce looking girl scowling at him.

"Rachel?" he asks. The girl huffs in affirmation and lets him in. He hasn't been in the apartment before, but Rachel sent him the address so he could find it. It's one big room in an old building, furnished with secondhand, mismatched things, and it's surprisingly cozy. He doesn't see Kurt, though, and he gets a bad feeling that Kurt doesn't have any idea that Blaine was coming. This might have been a bad idea after all, but it's too late to change anything now. He is here and has to deal with it.

"Where is he?" Blaine half-whispers, having trouble getting any sounds out, and she points to a curtain separating a part of the room from the rest. Blaine walks there and tries to call for Kurt but he gets no answer. He peeks behind the curtain cautiously and sees Kurt lying on the bed, possibly asleep. This is not good. He starts to turn but the Rachel girl is still scowling, as if to point out what she said on the phone, that if he doesn't do this now, he won't be welcome later. He calls Kurt's name again and steps in.

It feels strangely muted inside, seeing Kurt's lying form on the made bed, the area behind the curtain only lit with a small bedside lamp and the small amount of light that comes through and over the curtain. It feels like all the sounds have gone down, like he has entered a dream, even if logically the sounds can't be much quieter here. He really doesn't feel like he should be there, it feels like he is trespassing Kurt's most secret place, almost getting under his skin and seeing him without even that layer as protection. Blaine feels he himself is too naked.

"Kurt?" he says again, a bit louder this time. He sees Kurt's form start a little and then slowly rising up.

"Blaine?" he asks, his voice full of disbelief and incredulity. It seems Kurt's not even sure yet if this is real.

"Kurt.." he says again, and sees the moment when Kurt registers this is really happening. The moment when Kurt's face closes off and his whole posture stiffens.

"Why are you here?" Kurt's voice is almost lifeless.

"Rachel called me.. a while ago.. and told me to come. So I'm here," he ends awkwardly, shrugging a bit and feeling instantly stupid. Kurt nods a little and looks away. Blaine feels like at this point the whole thing could go in so many ways, there are so many ways how this could end, based on what is said next, and none of them feel good.

"Of course she would call you," Kurt mutters, wringing his hands a bit. Then he lets out a breath, sounding so very tired, and looks up at Blaine again. When he sees Kurt's weary expression, Blaine just wants to tell him to close his eyes and sleep. He settles for apologies though.

"Kurt, I am so sorry.. I don't know what to say, I screwed up.." Blaine says, wringing his hands now just like Kurt did a minute ago.

"For what?" Kurt asks, "You only did what you promised, fulfilled my dream, just like you've done with the others. Thank you for that." Kurt's voice is neutral and hollow. He is looking at Blaine but not really seeing him. And it seems like to Kurt it really was nothing more, and that he wants no more than that, either. It feels like a ball of snow pushed inside his shirt collar, melting on his back, a kind of bone deep rejection, but he doesn't and won't say anything, because they are going by Kurt's rules now. He doesn't see how he could tell Kurt anything about his feelings now, they've already turned the wrong way for that.

"There's no need for thank you's," he says because he can't think of anything else to say. His voice sounds off and timid, and he feels so rejected and he wants to go away and lick his wounds, no matter that it was he who hurt Kurt in the first place. The words get a reaction from Kurt but it's hard to read what it is.

"I'm just sorry that I came onto you like that, I should have asked you first," Blaine continues, trying to explain why he was sorry, because he owes the apology to Kurt, whatever else he is feeling at the moment.

"You asked, though," Kurt points out.

"That doesn't really count, and I didn't let you answer. I feel like I was no better than your high school bully," Blaine says, a bit desperate now.

Kurt looks up at him sharply at that, looking almost angry. "You were nothing like my bully. I know you, I trust you." He breathes and the small signs of life seep out of him again. "You did nothing wrong," he almost whispers, voice full with some unknown but clearly not good feeling. It makes Blaine feel worse, despite the words, and he tries to explain more.

"I just, I guess the whole theater trip was so exhilarating that I was left over with some reckless, daring energy. Then I saw the dream and I didn't even think, I just did it.. I swear I did not mean anything bad to you," he finishes, a little helplessly now. Kurt has closed himself off again, looking only half there, like the Snow White of earlier times is back.

"No need to explain, I understand. I don't blame you. There's nothing to apologise for" he states, looking somewhere just past Blaine, and Blaine knows the conversation is over. He gulps, and lets the next question out without thinking.

"Are- I hope we are still friends, Kurt?"

Kurt looks at him for a brief moment, before looking past him again. "Of course we are."

"That's.. that's good." Blaine utters, feeling like the words meant nothing, that this is the point where their ways part.

"Goodbye, Blaine" Kurt says and looks into his idle hands in his lap. Blaine takes a step back and turns to leave.

"Goodbye, Kurt," he says before stepping back to the main room. He sees Rachel sitting on the sofa with headphone, pretending like she hasn't listened to their talk, but not really convincing Blaine at all. He doesn't say anything though, just walks to the door and starts down the stairs.

He takes his time, almost sleep walking down the stairs. He can't imagine how wrong the whole conversation went, managing to ensure everything he wanted to avoid. He doesn't know where he is going next. Everything feels blurred. When he gets to the main door, he just leans against the wall next to it for a while, not wanting to face the truth of leaving just yet. He is planning to just stay and breathe there, just for a little while, before leaving. But just when he opens his eyes and his hand goes for the door handle, he hears someone running down the stairs.

"Blaine, wait!"