It wasn't until after he took a deep shuddering breath that he noticed someone else's breath warm on his neck. He looked next to him and saw Blaine lying on the bed. He was as close to Kurt as he could get without being on top of him, and Kurt then realized that Blaine had one arm around his waist. It was as if suddenly realization hit him, and he remembered that it wasn't a dream after all. Blaine really had surprised him with a visit, really had admitted to cheating on him, really had broken his heart. Fresh tears burned Kurt's eyes as he looked down at the man he loved.

He went to bed that night hoping that what had happened was just a nightmare. It wouldn't be that strange if it was. There were countless nights where Kurt woke up flooded with fear, terrified that Blaine would find someone else, frozen with dread that he wouldn't be able to deal with the distance. He always managed to calm himself down with a quick look at a text massage from earlier in the day (usually an "I love you" from Blaine) or looking at a picture of them together. He had always told himself that he was crazy for thinking such things, that Blaine would never do that to him. Oh, how he wished he was actually right. He was still having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea that he was wrong.

Blaine moved next to him, wrapping his arm a little tighter around Kurt's waist, and Kurt had to take a long breath to stop himself from letting out a sob. He remembered going to sleep on opposite sides of the bed, staying as far away from Blaine as he could. Blaine had seemed more than willing to give Kurt his space, turning over and facing the other direction. Sometime during the night though, Blaine had moved closer to Kurt and pulled him into a hug, turning him into his own personal teddy bear. Kurt wasn't really surprised. He remembered from the few times they had slept together before that Blaine was a cuddly sleeper when he could be. They could fall asleep barely touching and would still wake up with Blaine holding Kurt. Whenever Kurt would call him on it, Blaine would just smile and say, "I guess even when I'm unconscious I want you in my arms."

Kurt couldn't stand being in bed anymore. If he had been by himself he might have managed staying where he was, but it was just too hard with Blaine right there, holding him. He got out of the bed and watched Blaine shift as he adjusted to losing his teddy bear. It only took a few moments before Kurt could tell Blaine was back in his deep sleep. He wanted to walk away, wanted to get away, but he couldn't will his feet to move yet. Instead, he stood there watching Blaine sleep. His eyes burned again and the familiar lump formed in his throat.

"How could you?" Kurt asked softly for what felt like the hundredth time that night, even though he knew he wasn't going to get an answer.

Kurt was finally able to force himself to walk out of the room when he didn't get a response. He went to the kitchen and started a fresh pot of coffee, knowing that there was no way he was going to be going back to sleep that night. He glanced at the time and decided that the two hours of sleep he managed to get would just have to be enough. He waited impatiently for the coffee to brew as he leaned forward on the counter next to the coffee pot. The tears that had been threatening to fall since the moment he woke up and saw Blaine lying next to him came easily. He was actually surprised that he didn't let out choked sobs. Instead it was just a steady flow of hot tears falling down his cheeks.

When the coffee was done, Kurt poured himself a cup and moved to the living room. He sat down on a random chair, tears still streaming down his face. He kept hearing Blaine's apologies in his mind. They seemed so sincere, so heartfelt, and he loved Blaine so much that he was tempted to accept them. Kurt knew that he couldn't though. As much as he may want to just forget the night ever happened and move past it, he knew that he wasn't going to be able to forget the reason those apologies were needed.

Kurt knew long distance relationships were hard; he knew it was going to take work on both their parts for them to survive as a couple. It was true that they were having trouble giving each other the time they both needed, but he never thought it would come to this. He knew Blaine would be lonely, knew that them being apart was going to cause some problems. Even if it was his life that was causing the separation, even if it was his life that was cutting their time down, Kurt felt the sting of loneliness too. He knew how Blaine was feeling all too well, but he had resisted his urges to find some temporary relief from the pain. He knew it wouldn't be worth it, it wouldn't be worth losing the person he loved most of all.

Kurt couldn't stop himself from replaying the night in his head. Blaine had said it didn't mean anything, it was just a hook up, like that was supposed to make it okay. Even if there really was absolutely no emotion to what had happened between Blaine and his "hook up" it had an emotional impact on Kurt. The fact that Blaine couldn't go without sex for two more weeks until they were together and could let all their sexual frustrations out on each other told Kurt that he was more concerned with sex than love. Kurt knew on some level that that probably wasn't really true, but that was how it felt.

Kurt tried to focus on the sexual aspect of what happened to distract from the pain of the emotional betrayal but even that was proving to be unsuccessful. Despite how angry Kurt was with Blaine, there was still a part of him that thought mine! with him, but he wasn't his anymore, at least not only his. Blaine had let himself be someone else's, even if only for a night or an hour. He couldn't stop picturing things that made him blush and cry at the same time; he could practically see Blaine sucking someone else's dick, looking up at him to watch the guy come undone like he always liked to do with him; he could see him riding someone else, hips stuttering as he got close to his orgasm; he could see him under someone else, groaning as he adjusted to being so full. Kurt shook his head to clear those images away. Those were supposed to be things they only got with each other, and he hated picturing Blaine getting those things was someone else.

Kurt looked out the window to see the first signs of the sun creeping up. He tried to not think about the man in his bed, tried to not think about sex, tried to not think about the ache in his chest, but it was futile. He couldn't get Blaine out of his head. He felt like his insides had been torn out, but he knew that wasn't possible, even figuratively, because if they had been torn out they wouldn't still be hurting him. He never knew he could feel this broken. It was like a part of him was dying slowly and painfully. An unfamiliar darkness was creeping its way into every fiber of Kurt's being. The light he had come so accustomed to feeling with Blaine was being replaced.

Kurt wasn't sure when or how, but he finally managed to stop crying. He sat there quietly and watched the sun come up, forcing himself not to think about Blaine or what had happened. It was just too painful, and he was tired of crying. He knew there would be more tears eventually; he was too hurt not have more tears in him somewhere, but for now he was all cried out.

He heard noise coming from the bedrooms, and he was both hopeful and fearful at the same time. He didn't know if it was Blaine waking up, and if it was, he didn't really know how to feel about it. He knew they had to talk about what happened, they had to come to some sort of conclusion about what it meant for them, but he wasn't ready for that talk. He didn't think he would ever be ready for that talk. They were going to have to talk eventually though. It was unavoidable.

Kurt felt relieved and upset when he saw that it was Finn who was awake and not Blaine. He took notice of the bag in Finn's hands, saw that he was trying to sneak off. A part of him was mad that Finn was just going to try to run away, but another part of him understood it. He wanted to run away from Blaine and what happened so it was understandable that Finn would want to run away, but they couldn't.

"You can't just run away," he said as he turned on the light next to him.

"Dude, you totally spooked me," Finn replied. "I thought I was the only one awake."

"I've been waiting for someone to come out. I was hoping it'd be Blaine." At least, I think I was hoping it would be Blaine, he thought.

"You guys okay?"

Kurt thought about that for a second. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know the answer to that question. "I kinda feel like I'm gonna die." Kurt couldn't think about that, didn't want to think about how hurt he was so he turned his attention back to Finn and the bag in his hands. "I guess I don't have to ask you what you're doing, apparently."

Finn looked down then back to Kurt. "I'll talk to her later about it. I just have to get away for a little bit."

Kurt wanted to scoff, but he didn't have the energy to. "Six months ago did you ever think that things would be like this?" It was a rhetorical question, of course. Neither of them could have imagined that things would be how they were.

"Sometimes I miss high school, ya know?"

Kurt offered a soft nod because he did know. He missed high school too. He would never miss the bullying, never miss the looks him and Blaine got whenever they showed any affection in the hallway, never miss classes, but he missed Glee club, missed when things were simpler, missed when he knew, without a doubt, that Blaine wanted him and only him. He missed when everything was easier, missed being happy.

"Come on, give me a hug before I ago," Finn said.

Kurt obliged, there was never a doubt that he would. These two may have started off strange, to say the least, but they were brothers now, and they needed it. They needed the good bye, they needed the comfort. They hugged each other tightly for a few seconds before Finn pulled away and walked to the door.

"Do you want me to say anything to Rachel?" Kurt asked.

Finn thought about that for a second, thinking it might be easier to have Kurt do the dirty work for him, but he couldn't do that. When he was ready, he would have to deal with Rachel on his own, and he knew it. "No."

Kurt nodded again, and watched Finn walk out of their apartment. He went back to his chair and watched the sun finish rising with a feeling of dread. He knew the next time he heard someone stir that it was going to be hard. He was either going to have to explain to his best friend that her lover just snuck out, or he was going to have to talk to his boyfriend about the damaging night. Neither was a conversation he was looking forward to. He tried to mentally and emotionally prepare himself for either situation, but he quickly realized that there was nothing that could prepare him for his talk with Blaine. He could rehearse an entire speech in his head, know exactly what he wanted to say and just how he wanted to say it, and that would all go out the window the second he laid eyes on him.

Kurt heard movement coming from the direction of the bedrooms again and wondered briefly which person woke up, but he knew the answer instantly when he heard Blaine quietly say his name. He froze. He wasn't ready for this talk, wasn't ready for Blaine to be awake, wasn't ready to face him. He took a couple of deep, hopefully calming, breaths to keep himself from crying again just at the sound of his voice.

Blaine walked out of the bedroom and found Kurt sitting on the chair. They watched each other silently for several long moments, neither of them moving to get any closer to each other. Kurt was thankful he didn't waste time trying to prepare for this confrontation because he was right, the second he saw Blaine his mind went empty.

"Hi," Blaine said quietly.

"Hi," Kurt replied just as softly.

"How long have you been up?"

"A while. I couldn't sleep."

Blaine nodded but stayed quiet for a minute before he said anything else. "Can we talk?" he finally asked.

"Talk," Kurt told him, but his voice sounded empty.

Blaine watched Kurt quietly for a few moments before he could even think of what to say. He was the one who wanted to talk, but he had no idea what to say. There was nothing he could say to make up for what he did. He knew that too. He knew what he did was unforgiveable. He had tried to make excuses last night, tried to put the blame on Kurt because he was lonely with Kurt busy in New York, but he knew that it was his own fault. He brought all this pain on himself, and he hurt Kurt, the one person he could honestly claim was the love of his life.

"Kurt, I am so sorry," Blaine said.

"You said that already," Kurt replied.

"I know. I just…I want you to understand that it didn't mean anything to me."

"Well, it meant something to me," Kurt retorted, finally showing a touch of emotion.

"I know, and I'm so sorry I hurt you. It was a stupid mistake. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat."

Blaine sighed. It was killing him watching Kurt sit there, so hurt and empty, knowing it was his fault. He wanted so badly to pull him into a hug and tell him everything was going to be okay, but he couldn't do that. Not only did he know Kurt wouldn't want to hug him, but he knew he couldn't honestly tell him everything was going to be okay because he didn't know if it was. He wished that everything would be okay, but he really didn't know if that was going to be possible after what he did to him.

Blaine wiped a silent tear away. "What happens now?" he asked.

Kurt sighed and looked out the window. He couldn't watch Blaine anymore. Since he had walked out of the room, he hadn't been able to take his eyes off of him, but the look of desperation on Blaine's face was too much. He was too good at giving the puppy eyes, and Kurt always wanted to cave whenever he saw those hazel eyes looking at him that way. He couldn't give in though, not this time.

"You need to go back to Ohio," Kurt said.

"I know that. I meant with us," Blaine pushed.

"I know what you meant, but I really don't have an answer for that."

"I don't want to lose you, Kurt." Blaine's voice cracked a little as he spoke, unable to fight the hot lump in his throat. "I love you."

Fresh tears fell down Kurt's cheeks at that. He thought after all the crying he did last night and since he woke up that he would be out of tears but no such luck. "I love you too, that's what makes this so hard."

"Kurt, I'm sorry," Blaine said again.

"Please, just stop," Kurt said and looked back at Blaine before he could get another word out. "I can't hear anymore apologies about this right now."

Blaine gave a quick nod, and Kurt noticed another tear fall from each eye. Blaine was trying to keep it together, trying to look like he wasn't dying inside, but he was failing miserably. Kurt could see the tears falling, could see how Blaine was literally trembling as he held back sobs. Blaine leaned against the closest wall and slid down to the floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest and held on to them tightly. Even though he knew there was nothing that could stop the tears, he was hoping that if he had something to hold onto that he would be able to control how his body was shaking.

Both boys stayed where they were in silence for a few minutes. Blaine got his body somewhat under control in the quiet so they were both silently crying. They watched each other from across the room, both feeling like they should look away, but both finding themselves unable to divert their eyes.

"Are you breaking up with me?" Blaine finally asked with a choked voice.

"I don't know," Kurt replied. Blaine finally let a sob escape at that, but Kurt forced himself to ignore it. "I don't want to make a decision while everything is still so…raw, and, trust me, if you really don't want to lose me, you don't want me to make a decision right now. I need time."

Blaine nodded but made no attempt to speak. After a couple minutes, he stood up and went back into Kurt's room. He changed and packed his things quickly and silently, tears still streaming down his cheeks. He would go back to Ohio and give Kurt the time he needed.

Blaine was just about to walk out to say good-bye when he realized that this might be the last time he saw Kurt. If Kurt decided they were done, they might never see each other. That thought hit Blaine like a ton of bricks and literally knocked the air right from him. He stumbled backwards and ended up sitting on the edge of Kurt's bed. He was trying to fight around the lump in his throat to breathe. He had to remember how to breathe, or he was going to pass out. He thought quickly about what might calm him down, but nothing came to mind. He fell on his side, allowing more tears to fall as he barely managed short gasps of air. He tried breathing through his nose to see if that would help and that was when he was hit with an all too familiar smell: Kurt. The smell wasn't anything specific, it was just him. The scent of Kurt surrounding him helped him relax. He was able to breathe again after a few moments of inhaling the aroma of the person he loved.

Blaine took several deep breaths before he managed to get out of Kurt's bed. He wiped his eyes with his palms and noticed how painful it was due to how much and how hard he had been crying. He grabbed his bag, and with one final deep breath, he walked out of Kurt's bedroom to go face him again.

Kurt hadn't moved since Blaine left the room. He was still sitting in the same chair, in the exact same position, watching the same spot on the wall where Blaine had been a few minutes earlier. The only difference was that his eyes were redder and his cheeks were wetter. Blaine watched Kurt, wanted to do something to comfort him, but he knew there was nothing he could do to make any of this better so instead of going over to him like he wanted to, he walked to the door.

"I know you probably won't believe me right now, but you really are the love of my life, Kurt," Blaine said, his voice still thick with tears.

All Kurt could do was nod in response. He couldn't even bring himself to pull his eyes away from the wall to look at him. He didn't want to see the look in those eyes that he loved to get lost in, didn't want to see the guilt plastered across his handsome face, didn't want to see the lips that he use to fantasize about kissing only to find out that reality actually lived up to fantasy. He didn't want to look at someone he loved knowing that they caused him all this pain.

Blaine knew he wasn't getting any other reply from Kurt so he forced himself to open the door and walk out. He shut the door behind him and wanted to fall right there, but he knew he couldn't. He commanded his legs to move, and he walked away from the door, down the stairs and out of the apartment building. He had to stop himself from collapsing again when he got out of the building. He settled for going to a nearby bench and waiting there until his flight back to Ohio. He could still see Kurt's building from where he sat, and he couldn't stop himself from watching it.

How could you be so stupid? he thought to himself.

Kurt looked to the door when Blaine shut it behind him. The instant Blaine left, Kurt had the urge to follow him, to tell him he forgave him, that he loved him and still wanted him in spite of everything. It was as if once Blaine wasn't around for him to be mad at, he wanted him around to comfort him, and that was exactly why Kurt needed Blaine far away while he processed what all this meant for them. He knew the ball was in his hands, so to speak, and that he was going to have to make a clear decision. He couldn't make a clear decision when he knew he could crumble so easily to the boy who hurt him.

Kurt stood up from the chair he was sitting in and walked to the door. He opened it to make sure Blaine wasn't waiting on the other side, like he had to make sure he was gone so he wouldn't be tempted to chase him. Once he was certain Blaine was gone, he shut the door and walked back to his bedroom. He looked at the disheveled bed and sighed.

Kurt crawled into his bed and grabbed the pillow Blaine had used the night before. He brought the pillow to his chest and hugged it, breathing in the scent of Blaine. He couldn't help the extra tears that fell then. He didn't know if he could handle never having that scent in his life again. It wasn't just a particular hair product or cologne or deodorant or anything like that, it was just the smell of Blaine. It was something Kurt had learned to associate with love, tenderness, happiness. Unfortunately, Kurt also associated the smell with heartache and betrayal now.

Kurt didn't know what to do. He felt too much to make a decision. He didn't know if he would survive losing Blaine, but he didn't know if he would ever be able to forgive him either, and a relationship can't work if one person doesn't trust the other. If one person can't get past the betrayal of the other then they would inevitably fail.

Kurt knew he didn't have to make his choice right then though so he didn't try to. Instead, he settled for letting himself cry into what was Blaine's pillow. He could be an adult and make a decision later. For now, he just had to be a boy who got his heart broken by someone he loved.