28 August 2012

Oh thank god, senior year. It is almost over. Kurt dragged his self into school, dragging his feet along the Lino, his face pulled into a pout. School sucks. Rachel swoops in, winding her arm around Kurt's elbow and walks along beside him with a beaming smile. “God, I missed school. Isn’t it nice and comforting here?” Kurt rolled his eyes. How was she so perky?

“No.” He grumbled. It was Rachel's turn to roll her eyes.

“Don’t be such a sad sack. We get to see our friends-“

“Your friends” Kurt interrupted

“They are your friends too! You just need to make more of an effort in conversations. Anyway, there might be some new people. You could trick them into think you are social!” Rachel joked with an edge of truth.

Her and Kurt regained their friendship slowly. After Kurt’s night with Blaine several years ago, which Kurt didn’t think about ever, Kurt had fallen into a depression. In fact, he had been diagnosed with clinical depression and still took medication for it. Not that anyone bar the school nurse, counsellor and Rachel knew he was anything but just a little bit sad. Rachel noticed the changes in Kurt, even though they weren’t in the same class anymore and they sought out mediation from the counsellor to get over their fight. Kurt didn’t want to hold a grudge and knew he shouldn’t push away anyone who was willing to be his friend so he reunited with Rachel and accepted her offer to sit with her friends again at lunch after warning them off saying anything rude to him. It was a relief for Kurt to have someone he could talk to and so slowly and tentatively, the two became friends. Unfortunately, like the beginning of freshman year, Kurt struggled to befriend Rachel’s friends as Kurt felt uncomfortable around them but he decided it was better than sitting alone so he sat with them daily and silently listened to their conversations, occasionally partaking in one with Rachel. During the most recent summer Kurt and Rachel had spent a week on holiday together with Rachel’s family and they would spend some time at each other’s houses or at the mall or wandering the streets for the rest of the time. Sometimes Rachel’s other friends hung out with them too but Kurt much preferred the twosome. The rest of the time Kurt had taken some English papers at a community college online to bump up his college application and to keep him busy. Despite his closeness with Rachel, he has never confided in her, or anyone else, what happened with Blaine. She had asked, saying they seemed so close and asked what change but Kurt just shrugged, saying that Blaine chose his friends over him and left it at that. That was the one time since he wrote that poem 2 and a half years ago that he has talked about or thought of Blaine. He tended to turn up in Kurt's dreams a lot, standing too far away for Kurt to reach, sometimes chasing him, sometimes Blaine was being hurt and Kurt had to save him. But in his conscious mind, he had let him go. He would occasionally see him at school, they hadn’t had any classes together but he might brush past him on the way to class, neither of them acknowledging the other. Kurt had no idea if Blaine still thought about him or if he had any regrets about their freshman year and how their friendship ended and sometimes, late at night when he was woken up by a dream, when he could kid himself that he wasn’t fully conscious, he would think about it.

Once the bell rang for the first class, Kurt squeezed Rachel's hand, giving her a small smile and said he would see her at lunch. Rachel always was a bit worried about Kurt, his eyes always looked sad, like someone ran over his puppy. Sometimes, briefly, there were a few moments of happiness. They were rare but Rachel loved when she saw them. They were usually when they were shopping or relaxing. She knew his illness, his depression, was extremely hard on him. He had vivid dreams almost daily and didn’t have very many close friends. Rachel knew that once this year was over he would do extraordinary things. He was intelligent, thoughtful and an old soul. She vowed to be there for him until he didn’t need her anymore. She felt extremely guilty for the mess she caused in their freshman year, it was extremely insensitive of her and she can’t help but think that the depression was at least partially created by what she had caused. She was very grateful that Kurt had forgiven her for her immaturity.

XXXXXXX

It was Kurt’s last class of the day: maths. He was reasonably okay at maths but he had his teacher last year and he was annoying. The rest of his classes leading up to this one had not been very interesting, just talking about the rest of the year. Kurt headed into class and was very happy to see that not many people had arrived yet so he had his choice of seats. That was the one important part of the first day, choosing where you would sit for the rest of the year. It was no easy task and Kurt hovered around a few chairs before he decided on a window seat near the back left hand side of the classroom. Perfect. He sat down and pulled out his book, figuring it would be more entertaining then waiting for his teacher and the rest of the students to arrive and class to sit. While reading, he pondered weather he would want someone to sit next to him. On one hand, it was a chance for him to make a friend. On the other hand, he really enjoyed being left alone. The decision was taken off his hands when the chair slid out from under the desk with an annoying squeaking sound and someone sat down with a thump, their bag banging on the desk. Suddenly, the hair on Kurt's arms stood up as if something had triggered it. He snuck a peak at the person sitting next to him, he could feel their eyes on him and he was curious as to who chose the seat beside him when there were still empty ones in the room. His eyes flicked over to take in the boy and then they widened. It was Blaine.

Why the hell is he sitting with me? We were doing a pretty good job ignoring each other. Should I say something? No Kurt play it cool, play it cool. Frantic thoughts raced through Kurt’s mind when he noticed it was Blaine. He decided that he would go back to reading his book and play it off like he hadn’t seen him or he didn’t care. Kurt couldn’t actually focus on his book so he just looked in its general area, turning the page every few minutes so it looked like he was actually doing something constructive. Blaine has really grown up. He hadn’t had a proper, good look at him since freshmen year, and he tended to look at his feet whenever he walked past him. But Blaine has tamed his curls, slicking them back with a little bit of gel with a few stray hairs breaking free. A cardigan, polo shirt and black trousers have replaced his usual outfit of a black hoodie and baggy jeans. Kurt approved. When he snuck a look at Blaine's face (who was still looking directly at him), he noticed his eyes were lighter than they used to be, not in terms of colour, but emotion. Like he had a weight lifted off his shoulders. Maybe his family problems were solved in the few years since they talked. Thinking about Blaine again wasn’t as hard or as painful as Kurt assumed it would be. There was a bit of anger and hurt but mainly he just missed him. And his heart couldn’t help but beat faster with his close proximity. Old habits die hard, Kurt supposed.

Class had begun and Kurt and Blaine had yet to say a word to each other but they both, not so subtly, kept glancing at each other. Finally, 30 minutes in Blaine leaned over and whispered to Kurt so the teacher wouldn’t notice, “I like the book you are reading. It’s one of my favourites.” Blaine then straightened up and went on with copying down what the teacher had written on the board. Kurt was frozen in place, a blush spreading up his neck at the feeling of Blaine’s hot breath tickling his face. He turned to Blaine, “Thanks,” he murmured while still hunched over his desk, he had better respect for personal boundaries then Blaine. They continued on with their work. At the end of the lesson, Kurt silently packed up his things and stood, facing Blaine. He attempted to move round him but Blaine spun round to face him. He smiled at Kurt, a little bit sadly but full of hope. “I’ve done a lot of growing up Kurt and I miss our friendship. I hope I haven’t crossed the line by sitting next to you. See you tomorrow.” Without waiting for a response he turned around and headed for the door. Kurt sighed and left too.

XXXXXXXXXX

Kurt lay on his bed later that afternoon thinking about what Blaine said. Did he want to be friends again? Will it be freshman year 2.0? Blaine screwing with his heart and then leaving him there to pick up the pieces? His depression was bad enough already; he didn’t think he could go through that again, he was a lot more cautious with whom he trusted after he gave his heart to Blaine. It took him a very long time to let Rachel in again and he still didn’t trust her completely. Blaine had changed Kurt, and definitely not for the better. He made him tougher in a way someone who had been hurt and screwed around with was. So, should he trust him? No. Kurt knew that for sure. But maybe he should start of with a tentative friendship, give him a second chance. Kurt considered the idea for a while. Yes, he thought he could do that. But he set himself guidelines: Only talking face to face, no texting and no talking about each others personal lives. Strictly a ‘hi, how are you do you get this maths problem’ type of relationship. Kurt decided he would take the reins on the relationship and let Blaine know where he stood but he also decided not to dredge up the past. They were going to turn over a new leaf. Kurt knew they had both changed a lot, grew and changed as people, they couldn’t just jump into friendship where they left off, they would have to rebuild it again.

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In school the next day Kurt went about his routine as normal. He didn’t mention Blaine to Rachel, knowing she would get too excited and jump to conclusions. He didn’t encounter Blaine until maths class. Blaine was already waiting in the same seat he was sitting in yesterday so Kurt walked over and sat down beside him. Turning to Blaine, he stuck out his arm in a way that implied Blaine should shake it.

“Hi, I’m Kurt Hummel.” Blaine looked at him confused.

“I know.” Kurt retracted his arm.

“You knew the young, fourteen year old Kurt. But you don’t know me. But I am willing to let you.”

“Let me what?”

“Get to know me.”

“Oh okay,” Blaine was surprised by Kurt's directness. “Thanks.”

Kurt nodded and started pulling his books out and started working on what was on the board. Blaine stared at Kurt, inspecting him. Kurt raised an eyebrow, uncomfortable at the attention.

“What happened to you?” Blaine asked. He could see that Kurt has a lot more worn down but tougher. He didn’t know how to describe it but he knew the Kurt in front of him was a lot less naïve then the one he used to know.

“You.” Kurt answered honestly and matter-of-factly, continuing with his work. Blaine frowned and looked down to his lap, ashamed.

“I was an idiot, I took you for granted.” Blaine muttered

“Yes you did.”

The pair didn’t talk for the rest of the lesson. But as they got up to leave when the bell rang, signalling the end of the lesson, Kurt spoke up, “Lets not think about the past, I am happy to move onwards and upwards. I want us to be friendly, with out all the tension.” Blaine nodded, considered what Kurt said then smiled.

“Me too.”