Kurt is seated at his usual seat, his brown eyes searching for Blaine.
He isn’t in the dinning hall.
Blaine is always here at 8am.
Something must be wrong.

——-

08:15am

Kurt rushes towards Blaine’s room asking those he finds along the way if they’d seen him.
He stops outside his door.
Looking in through the window on the door he sees Blaine lying exactly like he was last night.
Thinking that something is wrong and that Blaine has been successful in killing himself Kurt forgets about his job, rushes into his room, shaking from fear.
He’d lost Blaine.
He’d only just found him and now he’s lost him again.
He didn’t even have a chance to tell him who he was.
He didn’t have a chance to tell him that he loves Blaine.
That he’s been in love with him ever since he’d seen him again.
He didn’t have a chance to tell Blaine that he wasn’t crazy and that Kurt was real. He was Kurt. That he remembered him.

-----

‘Blaine I’m real. Blaine. Please wake up, please... Blaine... I remember you.’

——-

21st March 1997

Dear Kurt,

I had the strangest dream. You were in it. Well I could hear you tell me that you remembered me. I guess my medicines aren’t working as well as they had hoped they’d work.
I can’t forget about you Kurt. Ever.
They started me on new pills that make me sleep longer.
I wish they’d give me pills that would make me sleep forever.
I missed breakfast this morning and woke up to about 5 nurses in my room along with my shrink. They were convinced I’d killed myself. The doctor came in and told them that my pills make me sleep longer and no I’ve not killed myself.
He sounded sad that i wasn’t dead.
I guess they are all tired, tired from me.
I think my shrink was crying.
I hope he wasn’t crying over me. That would be sad. I wish he doesn’t actually care about me because I will end up hurting him. I end up hurting everyone who cares for me.
That old guy smiled at me.
The nurse got fired because they found the razors next to my bed and she was suppose to keep an eye on me.
The little girl i tried to smile at.
I’m sorry I am not perfect.
I’m sorry I hurt everyone when the only person I wish to hurt is myself.

-----
22nd March 1997

Dear Kurt,

I had an appointment with the shrink again today. He was convinced i tried to kill myself yesterday. He made me promise that i wouldn’t do it again.
I told him i can’t promise anyone anything.
I think he is the one that needs to see a shrink.
He told me i’m his first patient.
Is that why he wants me to get better, why he wants me to live?
It wouldn’t look good on his records if his first patient died on him.
I don’t want to disappoint him, i probably would.
He’s a strange human.
He keeps asking me what my hobbies are.
I keep telling him i like to play with death.
He is strange.
I can’t read him at all.
He looks so sad all the time.
Everyone looks at me with disgust but i can’t describe what i see in his eyes when he looks at me.
Its starting to creep me out.
I still got a smilie face on my pancakes and the nurse who i thought used to do that was fired.
i’m certainly going crazy.
its this place i tell you, its making me crazy. i need to find a way out.
i have found a way out.

-----
23rd March 1997

Dear Kurt,

They left my window open today, maybe its a test to see if i do anything, they are all probably waiting outside to drag me back in.
I can’t sit in here knowing that i have a chance to escape from this place.
if this works i’ll be far away from here.
I can’t stay here.
If i do everyone will die.
they have had 4 deaths since arrived here.
4 deaths in a month.
that has to be a record for me.
a part of me wants to stay and see how many more people i can kill before i manage to kill myself.
we know that number will be BIG.
I can’t stay here at all.
I’m leaving.
...
I hope they find me and bring me back.
I have no where else to go.
My shrink is a nice person, he’d probably adopt me if i asked, he’d do anything to keep me alive, you could see that in his eyes, i think he wants me alive, like really really wants me alive, i think he cares about me, i’ve never had anyone care about me, but he is only a few years older than myself and he is so well dressed all the time with perfectly combed hair. He should have been a model. I’d like to...
no i can’t
maybe i’d just die on the streets, maybe someone will kill me.
i wish they don’t find me and just let me die.
-----

03.05am

He watches as Blaine sleeps, resisting the urge to hold him, to tell him that everything will be alright, to tell him that he is real.