Chapter 4: Together.

 "Kurt, baby, why did you stop?" Blaine asked eyes still closed.

"What's that?" Kurt choked.

"What, honey? Kurt? Why are you crying? Kurt please stop, what's happened? Did I do something wrong because I mean I..."

"Your arms." Kurt choked going paler by the minute.

Blaine's face fell. His whole world had just crumbled around him. Tears fell down his face fast, he ran out of the bedroom straight into Burt and Carole. "Blaine, what's wrong?" She asked as she reached out to touch his arm in comfort, her eyes fell as her and Burt saw the cuts too. At that moment her face went pale. "Oh, oh, Blaine, no! You said you'd tell me, you said you felt fine..."

Blaine ran. He went to the bedroom grabbed his top and ran. Kurt followed after him. "Blaine, Blaine! Come back! Please, it's okay, we just need to talk about this. I'm not mad at you, I love you!"

Blaine looked back. "I'm sorry, Kurt. I truly am. I'm a horrible person you deserve better." With that he ran out of the house, not turning back. Kurt just stood there speechless. He should've noticed. He should've been there for him. He knew Blaine had been like this before but yet it never occurred to him to look out for it now.

He felt Burt's hand on his shoulder as he went to follow Blaine. "Give him a minute kiddo; he probably needs to think this through."

"But, Dad! No! I can't just...I can't." He fell into his Dad's strong arms, "It's all my fault. I should never have gone to New York."

"Hey. Now you know that isn't true, and if I know Blaine that's probably why he never told you, the same reason that he didn't say how much he was going to miss you. Give it half an hour, then go and find him. You know where he'll be."

Kurt did know, so he settled for pacing the corridor until his Dad let him out.

-

Blaine had run faster than before, he ran to his special place. When he was about 5 his Dad had started hitting him, calling him names, Blaine had gone to the park one day and when his parents weren't looking, he'd found a den. It was an underground cave about 20 meters squared with a wooden floor and white walls. He had ran to here so many times as a child, and he ran to there now. It had been a military shelter built ages ago and abandoned, so it was secure, and when the military left it, Blaine had found it. He even had a guitar in there. He ran there now.

15 minutes later he arrived and sat on the floor in a ball, not crying, he was empty of all emotions. He felt terrible. He had hurt Kurt by hurting himself. He never wanted to hurt him. He loved him. He was his missing puzzle piece. He remembered then, how he had felt in the car singing to Kurt, how he had poured out his heart. He reached for his guitar to do the same thing now.

And I'd give up forever to touch you,

‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow,

You're the closets to heaven that I'll ever be,

And I don't want to go home right now.

All I can taste is this moment,

And all I can breathe is your life,

‘Cause sooner or later it's over,

I just don't want to miss you tonight,

And I don't want the world to see me,

Because I don't think that they'd understand,

When everything's made to be broken,

I just want you to know who I am,

The song rang true in Blaine's mind. He didn't want anybody to know. They really wouldn't understand why. How could they if he didn't? His love for Kurt was overwhelming and now he would do anything to be with him right now. But he knew he'd screwed up badly. But as he sang one verse hit him hard.

And I can't fight the tears that ain't coming,

He couldn't cry anymore tears. He was empty now.

Or the moment of truth in your lies,

He had lied to Kurt. There was truth, like in the song. But he had lied.

When everything feels like the movies.

He felt like he was in a movie. Trapped. Being watched as he fell to pieces.

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

That line hit him hardest. He fully understood it. He felt alive when he cut. He knew that he was being punished for being rubbish. But yet, he felt like he was at least living.

He continued to sing. By the end the tears had returned. He sat and sobbed. He went to the corner of the underground room, and off a shelf picked up a small blade he had there from before. He rolled up his sleeve and began to cut.

"Don't you dare."

Blaine looked up, he dropped the blade that had been just millimetres away from his skin. It was Kurt. He looked up at Kurt's tear covered face. "Kurt, I'm sorry, I j-j-just..."

Kurt moved towards Blaine. Took the blade off of him and cradled his boyfriend in his arms as he sat down next to him. "Shh, shh, it's okay Blaine. Shh. I'm here now."

Blaine turned into Kurt's chest and cried. He was gripping to Kurt's shirt like he was hanging on for his life. They sat there for about an hour, Blaine clinging to Kurt and Kurt just stroking up and down his back, and playing with his curls, until Blaine had calmed down. Kurt was dreading what he knew he had to do next.

"Blaine honey, I know it's going to be hard, but you need to tell me everything. When? Why, and I want full reasons for that, and how for some reason you're sorry!"

Blaine took a deep breath and turned to face Kurt. He went to open his mouth, but he just burst into tears again. Kurt held him tightly shushing him again. Blaine composed himself and turned to face Kurt again. Kurt took his hands and held them. "Hey, it's okay. I'm not judging you, I just need to know."

So Blaine told him. He told him everything.

"When you left for the airport, I-I-I broke down. I fell to my knees and wept. I was sad you were going, but that was it. I was sad. But that first week was terrible, I tried to stay positive on the phone and Skype, but then one day, you phoned me and I just broke down. It was your first day at NYADA and I was so happy for you but I felt guilty. I was guilty that I also felt sad. That day was the first time I got feelings come back: feelings of wanting to cut. I didn't. I just cried, then Carole came in and found me asleep, put me on my bed, and told me that I had to tell her if I ever felt that way again, and I said I would. I stuck by that.

Until last week, on the day I phoned you. I knew I needed someone to be there for me. Carole and Burt had gone to Michigan and I was alone. I phoned you, I wanted to tell you how I had been feeling. I tried, but the way your voice sounded when you heard I was crying broke my heart. And I knew I couldn't be the reason for that. So I chickened out. I hung up. I went to wash my face and saw a razor. I took out a blade and used it. I wanted to feel punished for not telling you. So I punished myself.

I started to do more every day, but last night, I couldn't call you because you were on the flight in from New York and I really just needed to hear your voice. Which is when I realised just how much I missed you, and that was selfish. To make you feel like you had been wrong to leave was selfish. But missing you hurt, but I needed a way of being punished for missing you. So that's when I wrote I miss you. I just wanted to bleed the fact that I missed you out, and hopefully it would stop me from missing you anymore.

Then today at the airport, I nearly told you, I oh so nearly said everything. That was when I lied. I said the only reason I was upset was because I missed you, and it was. But it was also because I don't deserve you, I'm just some stupid idiot who can't even deal with his boyfriend leaving. You deserve someone who can support you instead of breaking down when you're gone. And that's when I wished I'd done it. I wished I'd killed myself all those years ago, so you never had to meet me. So you could've met someone better. Someone less...me."

Blaine looked up from the ground and saw his boyfriend crying silently and looking at a loss.

"And now I-I-I've made you cry! I am the worst human being in the history of the planet. I should just go and die somewhere...because now I-I-I've done this to you and I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am K-K-Kurt I just-" His voice was quavering when it was cut off by a warm pair of lips smacking against his. A hand pulled his head more into the kiss as another one cupped his face.

"No, Blaine. No. Don't you ever say that again." Kurt struggled through tears pouring over. "You don't need to be punished. You don't deserve to be dead. You don't need to apologise, Blaine. I just wish you'd told me. You can't have honestly thought that I'd be mad at you though, I love you. I will love you no matter what you do, Blaine. Please don't punish yourself for missing me. Just call me or Skype me, of write me a letter. It's human nature to miss someone. I miss you too, Blaine. More than I thought I even could. I hug my pillow at night pretending it's you, because I miss having you next to me. I reach out for a hand and it's not there. But I know that's how it's supposed to feel. Please, baby, don't hurt yourself over this." He took Blaine's wrist and arms and kissed them, each and every cut.

"Blaine, you are the love of my life. I will never let anything get in between us or in the way of us; especially not this. Please, don't kill yourself, don't cut yourself. You are perfect, Blaine and without you I have no idea where I'd even be in life. You are the best boyfriend I could ever have. So don't you dare for a minute say that I'd be with someone better, because nobody is better than you. So please, Blaine if you ever feel like this tell me. Because I know you think you've hurt me by doing this but that's not what hurts, what hurts is seeing you crying and knowing that I didn't notice or pickup the signs. Blaine, I love you so much. I'm here, forever, so sorry, but, you're stuck with me." He took both of Blaine's hands and held them tightly. "I'm never letting go of this, of us, and of you. Don't apologise for this, I know you couldn't help it. But I can if you just tell me okay? So please, let me in. I want to know these things. I am always here okay. Here for you. To be with you. To hold you when you cry. To kiss you. To love you. And I really do, Blaine. I. Love. You."

He leant in and kissed his boyfriend who was now sobbing uncontrollably. When they broke the kiss, Kurt just held him tightly in a hug. Blaine's tears spilling into Kurt's neck as he shook weeping.

"Thank you, Kurt. That was everything I needed to hear and more. I won't hide form you anymore. I promise. I love you so much, Kurt!"

"Hey, hey, shh, shh, I'm here. It's okay. We'll get through this together." He whispered rocking Blaine in his arms.

Blaine leaned even further into him. "Together." He repeated.

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