Cooper landed with a bone jarring thud. “Owwwww,” he moaned, the sound echoing faintly in the pitch blackness. He should have had sex with the two girls. At least he could have died with a smile on his face instead of bruises all over his now sore ass. 

No light penetrated where he landed. Cooper blinked several times, trying to clear his vision. He waved his hand in front of his face. No difference. Placing his palms on the ground, he felt gritty dirt. At least, he hoped it was dirt and not something gross. 

The girls had told him one door lead to certain death. Neither said it would be instant. 

He closed his eyes, pretending it was the only cause for the absolute darkness. What would a blind character do? Ray Charles was in The Blues Brothers. And he shot at the asshole. Cooper would bang his head against a wall if he didn't have to wander around in the dark to find one. Someone else then.

Hellen Keller? She didn't have to deal with fucking goblins. Pygar? Had wings and flew Barbarella to safety after they had sex in a pile of feathers. Daredevil? Cooper would rather die than act like that clown Ben Affleck. 

If he didn't calm down, he'd end up sitting here feeling sorry for himself until time ran out. He took several deep breaths followed by several more. 

The space he was in would have to be huge. The echo from yelling when he fell told him that much. He concentrated on smells. The scent of damp earth and stale air was the only ones he could detect. Cooper held his breath and strained his ears. A soft repetitive noise broke the stillness. Footsteps?

“Who's there?” he shouted.

“Me,” answered a female voice. A click of metal on metal and a bright light blinded him. He instinctively held his hand over his eyes to give them a moment to adjust. Cooper blinked.

The woman in the track suit stood in front of him with a flame thrower on low, casting flickering shadows that didn't let him see much of what was around him, the heat warming his chilled skin.

“I finally figured out where I know you from,” she said. “You're on the computer, singing.”

Cooper had no idea if that was a good or a bad thing. She had a flamethrower. He had no idea if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

“Yes,” he said in a careful tone.

“Well done buddy,” she said. “I'm a celebrity, too. I report the news.”

“That's great!” Cooper said. He wanted to ask a million questions - What station? TV, radio, or some other goblin technology? Was she a goblin reporter or did she have a human audience? He side-eyed the fire pouring out of the flame thrower and decided less is more. “Do goblins collect autographs?" he asked. Cooper adored meeting fans, maybe she would too. “I have a pen."

“If you sign my chest, I'll take you anywhere you want," she said. 

Cooper blinked. Well that wasn't what he was expecting, he'd planned on getting her autograph. “I want to go to the castle.”

Rolling her eyes, she said,” Fine, but it's annoying there with all those mouth breathers constantly yapping.”

She unzipped the front of the suit and pulled the collar aside. Cooper signed his name with a flourish, capped the pen, and tucked it back in his pocket. 

“This way, Prince Charming.” 

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Cooper and Sue were less than ten feet into the tunnel off the cavern when a clear crystal ball rolled between them and transformed into Kurt. Copper gulped.

“Sue, it's so nice to see you,” Kurt said, not sounding happy. If she was assisting Cooper, she would regret it. He'd been clear that Cooper was not to get to the castle. 

“Porcelain,” she replied. 

“Were you helping this boy?”  

“Nope,” she said. “I was taking him back to the beginning of the maze. 

“What?” Cooper growled through clenched teeth. 

Sue shrugged. 

“If I thought you were lying to me, I'd have to hang you head first over the bog of eternal stench,” Kurt said. No reaction from Sue. What would she consider a threat or a reward? “And I'll take away your confetti cannons. I plan on letting you shoot them off when we hit thirteen o'clock and Blaine is mine. I'll even make William clean up the mess.”

Kurt smirked. He knew he had her now. Sue hated Will for no reason hed been able to determine, and she'd enthusiastically endorse anything that make more work for him.

Cooper's hands balled into fists. 

“And how do you like my maze?” he asked Cooper.

“Piece of cake,” Cooper snarled. 

“Really? Then how about upping the stakes?” Kurt waved his hand and the clock hands spun forward a few hours. He stopped it the instant he realized what he was doing. In his anger, he'd momentarily forgotten that speeding up the clock allowed him less time to convince Blaine he wanted to be a goblin prince. 

Kurt was furious with himself for the slip. “You say the Labyrinths a piece of cake? Well, lets see how you deal with this little slice.” He waved his hand and a loud noise echoed down the tunnel. 

Kurt appeared in the throne room where Brittany pointed out noteworthy stuff to Blaine. Although, her definition of noteworthy didn't match Kurt's. 

“And this is the wallpaper,” she said. “It keeps the walls from being sad.”

“Brittany,” Kurt growled, “What are you doing here? You and Santana are supposed to be…” Kurt trailed off. He didn't want to say in front of Blaine. “…following through on the task I gave you.”

“Oh, that,” she said. “It totally didn't work. We had sex and everything”

Blaine's brow scrunched. 

Kurt didn't want to explain. “Then try something else,” he said through gritted teeth. Why was he telling Brittany? The goblin girl was just as likely to give Cooper a map and a puppy as she was to stall him. Would a puppy slow Cooper down? Kurt shook his head. He must be getting desperate. 

Desperate times called for desperate measures. 

“Finn,” Kurt yelled. 

It took what felt like an eternity for Finn to meander into the throne room, but was probably less than five minutes. 

“Yeah, Kurt?”

“Excuse us,” Kurt said to Blaine and dragged Finn out of ear shot. “If you were trying to distract a guy, specifically Cooper, how would you do it?”

“Sex.”

“I tried that. Right in front of him”

Finn when pale. “You had sex with Blaine in front of his brother?”

“Ewe, no. Jesus. What's wrong with you? Brittany and Santana had sex in front of Cooper and he kept going.”

Finn considered for a moment. “You're screwed, dude.”

“Don't. Call. Me. Dude.”

“Woah. Scary Kurt.” Finn's eyes went wide and he took a step back. 

Which would have been funny because Finn was taller, if Kurt werent so furious at the lack of help. 

Finn put his hands up. “You're going to freak Blaine out.”

A smile spread across Kurt's face. 

“Um…” Finn said nervously, “that smile isn't helping. You look like you're…I-I don't know. But something really bad.”

Kurt wanted to roll his eyes, but that might make Finn ask more questions and he didn't want to waste anymore time on this. 

“What's the scariest thing you can think of?” Kurt asked.

“You. I mean, when you're looking at me like you are right now.” Finn took another step back.

“Something *besides* me, or you're going to see just how scary I can get.”

“Uhhhh…” Finn stammered.

Kurt glanced over at Blaine who had seated himself regally on the throne, hands resting on the sides, back straight, head held up proudly.

“Go dress up as the scariest thing you can think of and distract Cooper, mkay? Take everyone else.” Kurt grabbed the front of Finn's shirt and yanked him down to eye level. “Cooper can't get to the castle.” Kurt let go. “Well?”

Finn took off at a run.

Kurt walked across the room to Blaine.

“You look like you belong there,” Kurt said.

“Brittany showed it to me. It's very you - regal and stylish.”

Kurt stepped closer and whispered in Blaine's ear, “It would look better with you bent naked over the arm while I fuck you.”

Blaine swallowed. 

Kurt smirked. “You'd look even sexier wearing a crown.”

“I could try it on,” Blaine finally said.