Yesterday and today felt like one long continuous day. It’s probably because I still haven’t slept yet, not since Sunday night anyway. I don’t count that nap I took in Jeff’s car on the way to the mall and back for Kurt’s get well soon gift because I could hear everything around me, but it was still nice to not think for a while. I was back in my room, and I was having trouble concentrating on the novel I had to read for English. I put the book down and turned around towards Jeff’s side of the room. It was clean for once. When did he have the time to clean it? How did I miss that? I looked over at Jeff. He was sitting on his bed against his headboard with his headphones in sketching away happily. I wish I was that care free, but I wasn’t, and I didn’t have the time to wish for such things.

I turned back to my desk, and looked up at my calendar. Okay, it was Wednesday. For English tomorrow, I have to finish reading this novel or novella or whatever the hell English teachers thought Heart of Darkness was classified under. I had to write a German essay, too. The calendar said that the German essay was due, but I thought I had given myself two nights to write it. If it was due tomorrow, that meant I only had tonight to summarize an idea in English, write the idea out in essay form in German, and review it. Shit. I ruffled my hair in irritation. I grabbed the little, green sticky note about the essay, balled it up, and threw it at Jeff.

“Hey, what was that for?” He asked laughing and tossing it back to me. He turned down his music, and looked up at me.

“Nothing,” I said.

“Well, since the sticky note is green that means it’s a German problem!” Jeff laughed. “What’s up?”

I smiled through my frustration at Jeff. I kept my calendar very organized which included color coating. I wrote in different colors and I left reminders on different color sticky notes that corresponded with the pen color I wrote in, and the color of that tab in my binder. It was extremely anal, I know. What was interesting though is that Jeff had memorized every color for every subject. Yeah, sometimes he confused colors from previous years, but it was cool to me that he even bothered. What was the point in knowing?

“Have you written your German essay?” I asked him.

“Oh, yeah!” Jeff said. “Blaine couldn’t use you as a German dictionary last night so, he used me. We ended up writing our essays together while you were gone with Kurt.”

“Blaine has a German essay due, too?” I asked. “But he’s not in our class. We’re in German II and he’s in German I.”

“Oh, yeah, but the teacher is still the same,” Jeff replied. “He apparently decided to assign his German I, II, and III students with essays all at the same time. It’s nice in a way because we could use each other. Blaine and I, both, wrote letters to our imaginary German grandmothers about school, love interests, food, and Warbler stuff. Our essays are pretty much the same, but it doesn’t matter ‘cause we’re in two different classes! It’s great. I hope you didn’t pick the same prompt as we did because then he will really think we all cheated.”

I laughed. “I actually haven’t written mine yet,” I said quietly. “I’m going to write it right now.”

“Okay, cool, let me know if you need help,” Jeff said as he turned his music back up.

Back to work. I finished my German essay in an hour and a half. I moved on to Calculus III work which gave me more trouble than it normally does, and the headache I acquired shortly after I began didn’t help me much. I grabbed my enormous Art history book out and skimmed the reading. There were so many paintings in that reading. I assumed there would a quiz so I made a list of all the painters and their works.

“Hey, Nick, it’s room check!” Jeff shouted. I looked at the clock, and it had gotten pretty late. When my name was called, I ran out the door past Jeff, and waved to the hall monitor. I looked down the hall to see that Kurt wasn’t outside his door. I guess he had fallen asleep from dinner.

Once I finished with Art history, I then moved on to Physics. I was hoping to do it with Wes and David, but everyone usually crashes after room check. At least I had been able to start on the physics assignment the previous night which was aggravating. This woman gave us all so much work. Even when David, Wes, and I split it between us, it still took about two hours. And I still had to review for Organic Chemistry. Being behind schedule was awful.

I yawned a few times as I finished drawing out the last few structures for Organic. I looked over at the clock, and it was already 5:45am. I had two choices: sleep and risk missing class or shower, get Kurt breakfast, get me coffee, and go. It’s obvious which one I chose. I rushed in the bathroom and showered. While I was brushing my teeth, I noticed that I was getting a little scruffy, but I didn’t feel like shaving. I looked around for one of my cheap plastic razors. I was 100% positive that boys weren’t supposed to use these on their face. Mostly girls bought these things for their legs which is probably why the whole pack is pink. I never really learned much about shaving since I lived with my grandmother at the time I started growing facial hair. I quickly scraped the razor against my skin trying not to waste time. I hissed as I cut my chin. I grabbed some tissue and dabbed it a bit. I gave up on that and went into the room to get dressed.

Jeff woke up as soon as I finished tying my tie. I looked in the mirror and noticed that my blazer looked like a crumpled piece of paper. I couldn’t iron it, and my spare was at the cleaners. Damn it! This would have to do. I didn’t have any meetings so it was fine. I rushed around the room for my shoes that were under my desk apparently. I grabbed my bag and loaded it full of homework and books for the day. I double checked my calendar to make sure I had everything. Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad: check. Cal III and Art History: check. And lastly Organic Chemistry: check. Everything seemed to be there. I had so much work due that my backpack felt a little overload, but it’d be fine, hopefully. I turned to the door to leave and decided to unpack a few things for the afternoon classes. When I came to check on Kurt later, I could grab my books.

I headed to the kitchen where Blaine had already made coffee. Thank the Lord for that boy’s unhealthy addiction. We exchanged dead good morning greetings while he filled my coffee mug. As I headed to the door, Wes stopped me.

“Hey, Nick, don’t you want something to eat?” he asked as he held out a plate for me.

I didn’t even see Wes standing there or hear him cooking. I must be out of it. “No, thanks, but I’ll definitely take this plate to Kurt,” I answered as I went to Kurt’s room.

I unlocked the door, and noticed that he was sound asleep so I didn’t wake him. I sat his plate down gently on his desk next to his meds with a note telling him that I was sorry for not waking him up. Even though Kurt didn’t have school, he insisted on being awake and getting ready for the day. It was silly to me. Most kids would just sleep away the sick days, and Kurt definitely needed his rest. If I had a day or two off, I’d probably spend it working too though. As I quietly closed his door, I felt my phone buzz. It was an email from my boss asking if I could tutor a boy during my lunch period on Calculus. Crap! If I did that, then, I couldn’t come back and give Kurt lunch or get my books for the afternoon. Blaine wanted to spend more time with Kurt so, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind giving him lunch for me today.

I ran to the kitchen and poked my head in the door. “Hey, Blaine, do you mind giving Kurt some lunch today? I have a tutoring session.”

Blaine’s face lit up. “Sure! Yeah! No, I don’t mind at all.”

“Great, thanks,” I said and tossed him Kurt’s key. “Same rules apply as last time, Blaine! No fondling Kurt in his sleep.”

I rushed down the hall to my room, sipping my hot coffee as I heard laughter behind me. I went in the room tripping over clothes I swear weren’t there earlier. I grabbed all of my afternoon books and shoved them into my bag. I slammed the door without intending to, but thankfully no one saw that it was me. I ran down the stairs struggling under the weight of my books. I felt lighter in a way though since I wouldn’t have to come check on Kurt. It would have been a really hectic day if I did. It was good for Blaine as well though. This meant that Blaine had a chance to get closer to Kurt. They had a full hour to talk to each other, but they would probably waste it staring into each other’s eyes or some other romantic bullshit. I’d have to ask him about it later. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket, and opened up my calendar/organizer. I typed “Talk to Blaine” and put it up. Did I really just schedule out a time to talk to my friend? I pulled out my phone again. Sure did. I was supposed to talk to Blaine right after Warbler practice on the way to the tutoring rooms. That’s kind of fucked up.

I took a huge gulp of the coffee which I thought had cooled down enough to do so. It hadn’t. I burned the shit out of my mouth and throat. I headed to the computer lab before English to email my boss back. I could have done it from my phone, but I didn’t want to risk typos, auto-corrections, and a very unprofessional signature that ended with “sent from Nick’s palm.” I know that I could double check for all that, and adjust the settings, but I wasn’t at my best so I didn’t trust myself to check. I also never thought about changing my phone’s settings. The computer was the safest way to avoid embarrassment. I told her that I could definitely tutor him during lunch because I have a German tutoring during my free period. I logged out of my email and refreshed the page several times to make sure that I had logged out. I also deleted the history and cookies for that morning off of the computer just in case the browser automatically remembered my password or something. I restarted the computer, as well. I couldn’t be too careful. There are people out there that would log into my email and send crazy things out to people which could probably get sent to one of the college alumni that I have been talking to. That would ruin all chances I had at getting a scholarship for college. I took a break, and left the lab.

I took another large gulp from the coffee mug. It was still hot, but the pain kept me awake in English. My raspy voice definitely earned some major participation points in our discussion of Joseph Conrad’s bullshit book.

“Mr. Duval, are you listening?!” someone shouted. I looked around. I was in a desk, and standing in front of me was Dr. Schultz, the German teacher. I didn’t remember walking there, or Jeff coming to walk me from English. I looked over at Jeff’s desk to make sure he was there, and he was. Weird. He was giving me a worried look. “Mr. Duval!”

“Sir,” I replied.

“Finally. Are you alright?” Dr. Schultz asked. He was giving me a look of concern that was clearly a fa�ade hiding his anger.

“Yes, sir, I am,” I replied with a perplexed look.

“Where is your essay, Mr. Duval?” Dr. Schultz asked, slowly. “I cannot wait to read it. Your work always surprises me, Mr. Duval.” I tuned out the fat bastard’s praise as I searched through my bag. It really wasn’t praise at all if you asked me. It seemed like he was trying to make the other students feel horrible for their work. It was asinine.

My essay wasn’t in my bag. Neither was my German book. I wondered what the hell was going on. Was that some sick joke? I checked my calendar before I left this morning to make sure I had everything. There was no note about German...I threw it. I threw the reminder at Jeff last night. I thought I would remember it. I never forget my work especially not an essay that was worth 25% of my fucking grade!

“So, Mr. Duval, may I see your essay, now?” the teacher asked again. “I would love for you to read a small section from it.”

“Sir, I don’t have my essay,” I said as calmly as possible. “I left it in my dorm. I could go get it if you would be so kind as to permit me to do so.” Truth is I had even forgotten to print the thing out! So, I’d have to do that, too.

“I am sorry, Mr. Duval, but you know the rules,” he said as he walked away from my desk to his own. “If the homework isn’t turned in first thing, then, it is late. So, even if I did give you permission to go to your dorm to get it, then, I would still have to make it a letter grade lower. The highest you would make would be a B.”

“But sir, this isn’t just homework!” I shouted. “This is worth more than a test! It’s—”

“25% of your grade, I know, Mr. Duval,” Dr. Schultz said. “I’m sorry but maybe this will help you remember not to forget your future assignments. Now, class let us begin.”

I slumped down in my seat. This B was going to murder my grade if I didn’t get A’s on everything in here. Damn it! I felt my phone buzz. It must have been Jeff. I sent him a smile and shrugged as if to say ‘oh well.’ I think I convinced him that it wasn’t that big a deal, but in reality it was. I’m so tired. It’s so hard to stay awake in here. I yawned.

“Hey, Nick!!” Jeff shouted.

“What?!” I replied.

“Class is over,” Jeff said sadly. “Just thought I’d let you know. It’s your free period so why don’t you go get some sleep?”

“I’d love to, but I can’t,” I said as I gathered up my things. “I have a tutoring session during my free period and during my lunch.”

“That sucks, man,” Jeff said. “I’ll see you later at dinner. I’m gonna be late for English.”

“Bye, Jeff,” I said without looking up at him. I heard him sigh as he left the room. I’m surprised but glad he didn’t ask if I was okay or anything. That got old a long time ago.

I slowly walked to the library to meet my first victim of the day. I wish he was the victim, but unfortunately I was. I had to sit and listen to this kid struggle through German.

“Hi, Mark,” I said with a faint sense of cheer in my voice. “Let’s see what you are supposed to be going over today, shall we?”

We sat down at a table near the back. He pulled out his notes and books as I went over sheet. “Oh, so you were having trouble with the possessive German pronouns?”

“Yeah, they’re weird,” he said.

“Yeah, they can be,” I said with a reassuring smile. It was starting to hurt my face to smile like that, but I had to make a good impression. If I wasn’t absolutely nice and caring, this kid would report me to the tutoring board. I needed this on my college apps, and I needed the extra cash. “Let’s start with something simple. I’ll say a phrase in English and you say it in German, okay?”

“Cool,” Mark replied.

“How do you say ‘My cat’?” I asked.

“Um, I’m not sure how to say ‘my’ in German,” Mark said shyly.

“Oh, that’s fine. ‘My’ in German is either ‘mein’ ‘meinen’ or ‘meine’ depending on the gender of the noun. And yes it really is pronounced just like ‘mine’ in English so it’s easy to remember.” Really, Mark? Mine and Mein are like the same word almost and mean the same thing.

“I’m also not sure how to say Cat,” he continued.

“Oh, well cat is Katze,” I said. “It’s spelled K-a-t-z-e, but it’s like saying ‘cats’ in English.” I smiled. Wow, this was going to be a long session. It was almost the end of the year and that kid couldn’t say ‘my cat.’ What the fuck?

Before I knew it I was in Calculus with Wes and David. I got there late, but Wes had saved me a seat next to him. David sat in front of Wes as usually. I’m pretty sure Wes used David as some sort of block from the teacher and the board because he hated paying attention. It was either that or he enjoyed staring at David’s back which would be weird. I walked up to the front and turned in my homework. Wes waved at me as I sat down. I pulled out my books, ready to take notes.

“Mr. Duval!!” shouted Ms. Hardwick as she slammed a book down on the ground next to me.

“Ma’am,” I jumped. I heard multiple giggles. Was I sleeping?

“Since you think you have the right to fall asleep in my class,” she started, “you are hereby banned from all extracurricular activities for the rest of the week.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I said quietly. I was so tired.

“But Ms. Hardwick!!” yelled Wes. Wow was he about to defend me or something? I really was sleeping so I deserve the punishment no matter how ticked off I am. I can’t remember the last time I went to sleep. “That’s five Warblers this week!” Ah, that’s what this was about: his precious Warblers. “That means we would have to cancel our impromptu performance tomorrow!”

“Well, Mr. Montgomery,” Ms. Hardwick said, “you should teach your Warblers to pay attention in my class!” Wes groaned and sunk down in his seat. I mouthed ‘Sorry’ to him and David. David smiled and Wes rolled his eyes, as Ms. Hardwick continued teaching.

When class ended, I headed back to the library for the next tutoring session. David grabbed my arm as I turned a corner. “Hey, where are you going?” David asked.

“Yeah, it’s lunch time!” Wes said, loudly.

“Oh, I have a tutoring session to get to,” I said with a yawn.

“Maybe, you should cancel. You look so tired, and you should eat something. Coffee isn’t food,” David said worried.

“I’m fine, David!” I yelled and I angrily yanked my arm out of his grip. I didn’t even mean for it to all happen like that. I shouldn’t have yelled or anything.

“Hey, don’t talk to David that way!” Wes shouted. “He was just worried about you.” He grabbed my arm and pulled. “Now, come on. We are going to lunch. You haven’t eaten all day.”

“Wes, I’m fine,” I said as I pulled my arm from his hand a little too roughly. He lost his balance, and he fell. I felt like an asshole.

“Oh, my gosh, Wes,” I said reaching out to help him up. “Are you alright?”

He knocked my hand away as David helped him up. “Let’s go to lunch, David,” Wes said.

They both turned their backs to me and went the other direction. “I’m sorry,” I shouted after them. They ignored me. Great.

I turned the corner and Blaine was standing there. He probably heard everything. “Hey, Nick,” he said quickly. “I gave Kurt his lunch. He was asleep so I left it on his desk. Here are the keys,” He said as he threw the keys at me. “See you around.”

Blaine walked away. He looked mad at me, too. My friends were trying to help me, and I shouted at them and knocked one down. I was officially a jerk, a cranky jerk. I really needed a nap. I have got to find a way to apologize to them later. I got to the library before the next appointment came.

I had fallen asleep again. I was at a table at the front of the library, snoring according the librarian. She kindly asked me to leave. There was a sticky note on my forehead that read, “Thanks for all the help, Nick. Oh, wait you were asleep when I got here. Don’t worry, I won’t tell Mrs. Hardass.” Ha, Hardass instead of Hardwick. Funny, not really. I was too tired to process anything at the moment. It was 12:45pm which meant I only had a few minutes to get to Art History.

I thought I could use class to think of ways to apologize to Wes and David, but class was interrupted by the principal. He called me out of the room and ask me to bring my things. We go to his office, and there was a younger looking gentleman with brown hair. He looked like he was starting to grow a beard. He had khaki pants and a hideous sweater vest. He wore glasses and a bright red bow tie. I could tell that I was going to hate this man.

“Mr. Duval, this is Mr. Brown,” said the principal. “Mr. Brown this is Mr. Nicholas Duval. He is our brightest student here at Dalton so, there isn’t any wonder as to why you wanted to talk to him specifically today.”

Mr. Brown simply smiled, and we shook hands firmly. “Mr. Duval, your blazer is rather wrinkled. I hope you tend to yourself better. After all appearances are key in this world we live in,” Mr. Brown said.

“Yes, sir, normally I do,” I replied. Jerk. “I just had a bit of a rough day is all.”

“You look tired as well,” Mr. Brown continued.

“Yes, well I am a little tired,” I replied, trying to smile and suppressing the sudden urge to yell ‘Fuck you!’ I probably did look like hell in all fairness. He didn’t have to state the obvious though.

“Mr. Duval, I have dismissed you from all of your afternoon classes so that you and Mr. Brown could have a chat. He is an alumni from Brown University. He was here giving interviews and thought he could talk to you, too. You know, give you a test run before next year,” the principal laughed changing the subject.

“Wow, thank you,” I said to him cheerfully. I might as well have added a ‘gee golly Mr. Brown’ but I figured that would be a little much. This sad thing was that if I didn’t feel like I was about to kill over, I would have. Brown University is my dream school. The Ivy Leagues had been after me ever since I got those perfect ACT scores and near perfect SAT scores. But Brown University would be heaven for me. I would kill to get into this school, and here was an open invitation to a test interview. I was actually nervous, teeth chattering, sweaty palms, the whole package.

“I’ll leave you two alone to chat,” the principal said as he closed the door.

Mr. Brown walked over the principal’s desk, and sat in his chair like he owned the place. He seemed like he was going to be a pretentious asshole. He crossed his leg and spun the chair around to face me. “Please, sit, Nicholas.”

“Alright, sir,” I said, smiling.

“So, what are your goals in life Nicholas?” he asked slowly in a drawl.

I hated it when people called me ‘Nicholas.’ It sounded strange, and reminded me of my grandmother and the way she used to say it. “My goals are to be the best that I can be and excel in every subject that I possibly can,” I said.

“Why?” he asked.

I was taken back a bit by his response. “So, I can get into a good school, an excellent school like Brown.”

“What are you going to do with your life afterwards, though, as a career? What are your life goals?” he asked, placing his hands on the desk looking me straight in the eyes.

My mind went blank. Fuck. What were my life goals? I don’t think I had any. I’ve just been cruising through life with the plan of being perfect at everything buried into my brain. What was I going to do with this perfection? I had no idea. I didn’t want to be a scientist or a mathematician. I had no interest in being a doctor or a lawyer or anything in either field. I hated businessmen with a passion, since my father was one of those. And English just pisses me off. What else could I do with my brain? For some reason at the time I didn’t even have a career in mind.

“I don’t quite know yet sir. I’m still undecided about the whole matter since there are so many options,” I said, looking down, ashamed and embarrassed.

“Oh, I see,” he said as he turned his chair back to the window.

The interview went downhill from there. I was so shaken and nervous. I had to impress this jerk, but I just wasn’t prepared at all for this today. I loved Brown. I could describe the fucking buildings, but at this exact moment I couldn’t recall small facts about it. I couldn’t tell him my dreams or aspirations in life because it seems like I had none. I didn’t really carry a passion for anything. This had to be the worst moment of my life on the worst day I’ve had in a long time. My dream was literally slipping away the more I opened my mouth to say nothing. The first time a Brown University alumnus comes to me and I blow it.

“It seems like our time is up,” said Mr. Brown. “Talking to you certainly was interesting.” I didn’t know how to take what he just said.

“Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Brown” I grabbed my book bag, and swung it around my shoulder as I extended my hand to Mr. Brown. He shook my hand as we heard a loud tearing sound followed by thuds. I sighed. I got on the floor and started stacking up my books.

Mr. Brown helped me. “Don’t they have lockers here for rent, Mr. Duval?” he asked.

“Yes, sir, they do, but normally the kids who don’t board get those,” I answered. Finally I answered one question he asked me with no hesitation.

“Where’d you get that cut on your face?” he asked looking at my chin as he handed me my Physics book.

“Oh, I cut myself shaving this morning,” I said and flashed a fake smile.

“Didn’t your father ever teacher you how to shave properly, boy?” Mr. Brown asked and laughed. I know he meant it as a joke, but it stung just a little bit. I wanted to tell him ‘No, my dad was too busy being an abusive alcoholic at the time, sir, so, he was never able to teach his only son how to shave.’ But, of course, I just laughed with Mr. Brown.

“I have to go,” I said. “Thank you again so much for your time.”

“Better luck with the real thing, huh, Nicholas?” Mr. Brown said, probably meaning that to be a joke as well.

“Yes, sir,” I said smiling at that jerk. I did fuck up the interview though and he couldn’t have known about my dad.

I left the room briskly caring all those books in my arms trying to block out thoughts of my dad. Fuck! I fucked up so badly just now. Would I even have a second chance at Brown? I mean it wasn’t official or anything, but I’m sure I’ve become some sort joke to him. I’ll probably be a droll comment at his cocktail parties. I might even become laughing stock for the Board of Admissions now! I most likely would never get a scholarship either. I just had the one thing I wanted stripped away from me. I wanted to make the best first impression ever for Brown University. Damn it. Tears started to obstruct my vision as I got closer and closer to the dorms.

I felt disgusting. I disgusted myself at that moment. I hated everything about myself. When I got to my room, I threw my books across my desk. So many things toppled to the floor with loud bangs and thuds. I had started to cry again. “Don’t cry little Nick. Only little girls cry. Are you a little girl, you worthless piece of shit?!” I could hear my dad yelling. I could feel him kicking me and spitting on me. I had to take a shower.

I docked my i-pod, and blasted Fall Out Boy to drown out my thoughts, but as soon as I got in the shower and started the water, my brain was flooded with thoughts of school. My B in German could actually make my final grade in that class a B which would hurt my chances for a Brown scholarship even more. The water got hotter and hotter, stinging me. I can’t believe I fell asleep while I was supposed to be tutoring someone! He could report me. Why didn’t he report me? Was he going to use that moment as some sort of blackmail in the future? I could lose my job! Not only would it look horrible on my college apps, but it was how I was helping to pay for my tuition here. Fuck. I banged on the shower wall with my fist. I put my head down completely under the spout.

Forget college apps. What was my major going to be? What was I going to do with my life? If I didn’t know any of that then there was really no point to anything. I have to keep going though. I’ve spent too much time on my perfection to waste it by giving up now. I hated all this pressure to be perfect all the time though. I needed to get it out of me somehow! I could talk to Jeff, but he wouldn’t be back until around 7pm and it was still so early. Argh! I was going insane here. My head was killing me.

I turned off the water, and got out of the shower. The steam had engulfed the entire room. I grabbed a white towel and wrapped it around my waist. I walked over to the full length mirror on the bathroom door. I wiped it off. My dad always used to say that the only thing that I would ever amount to in life was death. I was starting to look just like him, like my father. I hate this damned mirror. I looked like that bastard! I punched the mirror as hard as I could shattering it. A nicely sized piece of glass fell to the floor. I bent over to pick it up as my right hand began to bleed from the punch. I examined the piece of glass in my hand carefully.

Jeff was going to kill me, but he didn’t need to know. I needed this. I took the glass and sat on the toilet in deep thought. The blood spotting on my hand was already helping the pressure escape, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more. I had to think of somewhere he wouldn’t see this time though. My arms had been the obvious choice, but that’s just begging for attention. I used to cut on my stomach but that too was obvious. I looked down and there was my answer right in front my eyes: my leg, well, my thigh to be precise. No one would ever see it here. I took the glass slowly tracing lines on my leg. I gripped the glass tightly and just sliced my leg quickly full of rage and hissed with pain. The blood was so dark and thick as it slowly traveled down the side of my leg and dripped onto the floor. I let out a deep breath.

Thoughts of reassurance filled my head. It was okay that I was undecided about what I wanted to do in life. A lot of college students start out that way. Bullshit.

I sliced my leg once more, breathing deeply.

I’m not worthless because I am one of the best students Dalton has to offer.

I continued this until I had gone completely numb and just sat there with my head against the wall taking deep breaths. It was euphoric in a way. I had cut away all of the bad thoughts and all of the feelings of anguish and sorrow. I was okay. I knew that if Jeff found out he would be so angry with me. But he has to understand that I just can’t keep running to him with all of my problems. I need to solve things on my own, and this was my way of dealing with it. It worked for me. I felt better than I had in a long time. He would never understand which is why I had to keep this a secret from him.

I put on some sweatpants and a white v-neck, and collapsed on my bed. My fresh cuts stung which made me smile. I decided that I might take a little nap before I go give Kurt his dinner since I had all the time in the world now.

Jeff’s POV

Nick isn’t here. Nick isn’t in Organic Chemistry, his hardest class. What the heck? I had been texting him since he looked like he was about to kill over in German this morning. I really hoped he was keeping it together and not freaking out about the whole thing. In order to get his A he would have to make straight A’s on every pop quiz and homework assignment, but he does that anyway. I know he’s all worried because there would be “no room for error” or whatever, but it was November. He only had a month to mess up before exams. There was no way he’d mess up German. I have a B in there. After the final we might both have A’s.

“Mr. Sterling,” Mrs. Fitz said.

“Yes, Mrs. Fitz,” I said innocently.

“It’s Mrs. Fitzhugh, Mr. Sterling. Fitzhugh,” she said smiling. She liked it when I called her ‘Fitz.’ “Where is Mr. Duval? Class is starting soon,” she asked, a little worried.

“I don’t know. I’m not his mama, Mrs. Fitz,” I said laughing. Other boys let out a laugh or two as well as the class room filled up. “But in all honesty, I haven’t seen him since this morning.”

“The teachers said that he’s been taking care of a Mr. Hummel. Perhaps Nick finally caught whatever Mr. Hummel has, and he’s sick.”

“Maybe,” I said. I really didn’t know what was wrong with Kurt. Nick was pretty vague. I just remember him mentioning a fever or something.

We both looked a little worried about Nick. He had been having little freak outs lately. She thinks he’s under too much pressure, and tried to talk to him about taking less classes or dropping hers. He declined the offer, of course. So, she’s always keeping an eye on him. She’s such a sweet woman, and she’s only 26.

A shorter boy ran inside the room and stood in between me and Mrs. Fitz like we weren’t even talking. Rude. I went to go take a seat near the front of the room. “This is a note from the principal,” the boy said quietly. “I tried to find you at lunch, but couldn’t.”

“Oh, thank you,” she said taking the note. She sent the boy away, read it, and smiled. She started teaching. “Everyone please take out a sheet of paper.”

Shit a quiz, just when I needed Nick he wasn’t here. Just kidding. I wouldn’t cheat off of him. Besides he sits behind me anyway. Where was he? The teacher dropped a note on my desk as she walked back to the front of the room. I looked around and everyone was digging through their things for a sheet of paper. I looked up at her and she winked. She’s adorable really. I opened the note. It was the note the boy had brought her. It said that Nick was excused from all of his afternoon classes. Some guy from Brown wanted to talk to him. Why didn’t he just text me about it?

“Jeffery! You can only have a pen and a sheet of paper on your desk. I’ll have to confiscate this note,” she said trying to sound appalled as she took the note back. She called me by my first name. Yep, she definitely likes me.

She scribbled instructions on the white board. When she was done she turned around to watch us and make sure we weren’t cheating. I mouthed thank you to her and she just smiled in return. She pulled out her seat to sit at her desk, and she dropped her marker. It rolled right beside my desk. Mrs. Fitz walked over and bent over in front of my desk to pick up her marker. She was wearing a rather short skirt today, so I might get lucky enough to sneak a peek. Mr. Fitz was one lucky man to be able to tap that every night. Jesus! I couldn’t take anymore sexual stimulation. I just got out of Calculus with Ms. Hardwick. Sure she was a bitch, but her boobs were magical. They were, like, huge so she had to wear her blouse open with a tank top underneath, but she still made it look classy. She was so hot, especially she wore those cute shirts that tied around her neck. I’d kill for some extra time with her.

I spent the whole time just checking Mrs. Fitz out. I’m pretty sure I was drooling by the end of class. She woke me from my daydreams and told me to go the dining hall for dinner. I offered to help her with her things, but she kept bringing up the fact that it was dinner time. She eventually had to bribe me by telling they were having tacos for dinner. They weren’t.

Once I got there, I looked for Wes, David, and Blaine in the dining hall, and they were already there eating. I went over to get some food, and I saw Nick.

“Hey,” I said, “where ya been, Nick?”

“Oh, this guy who used to go to Brown came and talked to me,” he said continuing to fill his to-go box.

“Oh,” I said. “do you think you made a good impression?”

“No, actually,” he said and laughed. “My mind went blank, and my backpack broke. It was awful actually.”

“Are you not worried about it at all?” I asked, concerned.

“Naw, it’ll be alright. It was just a test run,” he said with a smile. It wasn’t even one of those fake ones he gives to those kids he tutors. He looked like he didn’t care.

“Oh, but wouldn’t you want to make a good impression anyway?” I asked.

“Yeah, but I didn’t,” He replied. “I’ve got to go give this to Kurt.”

“Wait,” I said grabbing his arm. “Have you eaten yet?”

“Naw, I’ll grab an apple or something to go,” he said. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye,” I said. That was strange. I grabbed a plate, and sat down with the guys.

“I’m glad Mr. Crabbypants got a nap,” Wes said jokingly.

“What are you talking about?” I asked

“You know… Nick!” Wes said.

“Yeah, he was kind of a jerk to us before lunch so he came over and apologized to us right before you got here. He said he was just tired and finally got a little sleep just now. He didn’t tell you about it?” David asked. That explained the sweats and the T-shirt though.

“No, he didn’t!” I yelled. “I texted him and called him because I was really worried. He hasn’t really talked to me all day!”

“Calm down, Jeff,” Blaine said. “I’m sure he has a good reason. Maybe, he will talk to you later about. He’s just been a little busy lately.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I said. “We’ll talk later.”

Wes’s phone went off singing “I Could Have Danced All Night” from My Fair Lady. I may be a lady’s dude, and all but I know my classics. I sing in an a capella choir. Why shouldn’t I be well versed in musical numbers? Plus, Wes really wants Kurt to sing it as his audition piece. He’s been talking about Kurt auditioning since we heard him sing. We don’t even know if he wants to audition or not. That’s Wes though.

“Wes, how many Warblers aren’t coming today?” Blaine asked as we headed to the music room.

“SEVEN!!” he shouted. “Seven! I can’t believe it either. Can you? It’s crazy and 5 of them are from Ms. Hardass’s class alone!”

“Wes!” David scolded.

“What?!” Wes defended. “She’s a hard ass.” He had a point there.

“You’re just mad because she suspended Nick from after school activities even though you brought it to her attention that she was picking on Warblers,” David said.

“Wait, what?” I asked, stopping. “Nick got suspended from after school stuff? When did that happen?”

“Well, technically, she suspended him from all of his extracurricular stuff which I thought was harsh since he has a million,” Wes said.

“What?!” Jeff said.

“Calm down,” David said. “He fell asleep in Calculus today so she suspended him from all of his extracurricular activities for the rest of the week.”

“What?! Why didn’t he tell me?!” I shouted. “Why isn’t he freaking out? It’s only Wesdnesday! He has student council meetings to go to. He’s the vice president! He has clubs and he has the Warblers! What about his tutoring job? Does that mean he can’t tutor for the rest of the week either? Can she do that?”

“Calm down. I’m sure Nick had a similar freak out earlier today,” Blaine said patting my shoulder. “Knowing Nick, he probably already has everything figured out and just didn’t want you to worry.”

“Yeah, it’ll be fine,” Wes said happily.

“How do you know that?” I asked.

“Because it’s Nick, and Nicholas Duval always has it under control,” Wes smiled. “He just had a really bad day.”

“Okay, I hope you’re right,” I said as we went into the music room.

Warbler practice was about how the majority of the warblers have been suspended from club activities for the week so we had to reschedule our impromptu performance. I don’t know. I wasn’t really listening. Nick normally keeps me focus in here. I voted on whatever Blaine voted on. I trusted lil Blainers. He was always pretty reasonable, well not lately. I heard he failed a German I quiz today that just asked them to write who they were and their age. Dr. Schultz called him an idiot and everything and he just sat there smiling. I assumed he was just thinking about Kurt though. Right after my German class, we sometimes have lunch together. I wanted to talk to him more about why people actually listen to Katy Perry. I loved watching Katy Perry sing and her music videos, but it’s not because her voice is great or anything. Instead that guy bolted to the dorms explaining to me that he had a prior engagement to take care of some beautiful wounded creature or some crap like that. I figured he meant Kurt. Blaine likes Kurt and Kurt’s wounded. Sounds like good logic to me. If I’m wrong, then, whatever. I’m not too bright anyway. Well, I don’t know. I’m always being compared to Nick in the grades department so, I didn’t really know if I was average or just dumber than Nick. If I was dumber than Nick, it was fine. Everyone was dumber than Nick. If I was just flat out dumb, then, I had a problem.

I got back to the room, and Nick was at his desk writing. His side of the room looked really messy. His books were everywhere.

“Hey, what’s with the mess?” I asked.

“Oh, nothing, just didn’t pick them up after they fell or whatever,” he said, he turned around and gave me a smile, that same smile from earlier. I didn’t like it. It felt cold and creepy.

“Oh, um so are you okay after that whole essay business that happened today?” I asked as I walked over and sat on my bed.

“Yeah, it wasn’t that big of a deal,” he said, nonchalantly. “It’s only a letter grade, and I’ll just have to get an A on the final. It’ll be fine.”

Wow, a nap really did him some good. “Who are you, and what have you done with my roommate?” I asked.

“Ha-ha, Jeff. I’m fine, seriously, don’t worry about it,” he said.

“It’s not like you not to worry about it though. You know if you just explain to Dr. Schultz that you’ve been helping Kurt out, and you just got a little overloaded, then he might give you an extension.”

“Naw, I don’t want to be bothered with all of that. It’ll be fine. I’m just gonna leave it alone,” he said as he turned back around and continued writing.

I went over to my desk, and pulled out my homework. I looked over at Nick again who was writing away. “Um, so, how’s Kurt doing?”

He threw down his pencil, and turned to me. “He’s doing great. I might let him go to school tomorrow.”

“What do you mean let him?” I asked.

“I promised his dad that I’d keep an eye on him, and make sure he got proper rest and such,” he told me.

“When did you talk to Kurt’s dad?!” I shouted and stood up.

“Sssh Jeff, it’s almost study hours,” Nick said quietly. “I met him the night Kurt was sick. He came and checked on him.”

“But Kurt lives like two hours away! His dad drove all the way here for a fever?” I asked. “Was there something else wrong with him?”

Nick looked down at his hands. “Yeah, there was, but he’s going to be okay.”

“What was wrong?” I asked.

“That’s not my business to tell, Jeff,” he said, annoyed as he turned around.

“Nick, you’ve been keeping things from me lately, and I don’t like it. We used to talk about everything. Now you’ve shut me out,” I said.

“I haven’t shut you out. What happened that night is Kurt’s business and his alone!” Nick yelled.

“What about today?!” I yelled back. “You fell asleep in Calculus and got suspended from your extracurricular activities! I had to find that out from Wes and David. You had a meeting with an alumnus from your dream school which you botched, and you didn’t tell me! I had to find that out from Mrs. Fitz/ You didn’t think your best friend and roommate deserved a text about any of that. And your back pack is broken, and I’m still not quite sure how that one happened! And look your hand is all bandaged up. What happened?”

“Jeff, chill, okay?” Nick said, closing his book. “I just didn’t want you to worry about any of it. I got everything under control, and even got a chance to take a nap. I’m fine. I cut it when I hit the bathroom mirror out of frustration and broke it. I ordered a new one at the front desk before dinner. It’s fine.” He grabbed a note book and a book or two..

“You still should have told me something, Nick!” I said. “Did you at least make sure there wasn’t glass in the cut? Is it okay?” I reached out to touch his hand, but he snatched his hand out of my reach.

“I can take care of myself, Jeff!” he shouted at me. “I don’t need your pity or concern anymore. I’m tired of it. Stop worrying about me.” He walked over to the door. “I’m going to Kurt’s room to study. I can’t do this with you today.” He slammed the door.

I threw my notebook across the room, and took out my sketch pad. I scribbled down some random lines on the paper. I heard someone knock. “Come in!” I said.

It was Blaine. “Hey, I heard you two yelling when I was coming down the hall. Is everything alright?”

I sighed. “No, not really.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Blaine asked.

“Not really. It’s just Nick is—”

“Being secretive and saying it’s to protect you and stop you from worrying but it all just makes you worry about him even more. You’re afraid he’ll have a relapse and start cutting again or something worse,” Blaine finished.

“Yeah, that pretty much sums it up…how’d you know?” I asked Blaine bewildered.

“Because that’s how Nick is, and that’s how you are,” he said simply. “Nick has always been secretive and keeps things from you so you won’t worry. You always worry about Nick no matter what. He’s your best friend who used to mutilate himself because he hated himself and everything around him, and he couldn’t find a way to control his stress level and emotions. That’s just how you and Nick work.”

I smiled at Blaine. “Yeah, Nick is just being Nick. You’re a good friend Blaine.”

“Thanks,” he said to me as he sat on the bed next to me.

“Do you think Nick will ever get tired of my constant worrying?” I asked Blaine.

“No, I think he secretly appreciates the fact that someone cares about him that much. Either that or he doesn’t know how to appreciate it or what it means,” Blaine said slowly. “But I think you two will be friends for a long time. You’re best friends. That kind of friendship lasts a while so you don’t have anything to worry about. Plus, Nick would be lost without you and you would be lost without Nick. Who would remind Nick to eat and take breaks form school if you weren’t there? And who would remind you to do your homework if Nick was around? You two need each other whether you realize that or not.”

“Wow, Blaine, that was really insightful. I think that’s the word I’m looking for, I don’t know. Thank you for listening and talking to me about it, Blaine,” I said.

“Anytime, Jeff,” he said, smiling.

“Oh, and Nick still doesn’t know that you know about his cutting,” I told Blaine looking away. I had told Blaine one day because Nick had disappeared somewhere and I was afraid he had tried something. I told Blaine because he was trying to calm me down, but I was freaking out and it just came out. Nick wouldn’t trust me with anything ever again if he found out that I had told someone. He was afraid that they would tip-toe around him or treat him differently, but Blaine didn’t. I didn’t think Kurt, Wes, or David would either

“Okay, I won’t tell,” Blaine said. “I don’t really talk to Nick much anyway. It’d only come out at a wild party where I was completely wasted.”

I laughed. I could never picture little Blainers drunk. It’s just not possible in my mind. “Thanks, Blaine. So, how’s it going with you and Kurt?” I asked Blaine and nudged his shoulder playfully.

“I don’t know,” Blaine said, sadly. “I was going to talk to him during lunch, but he was sleeping. I gave the keys back to Nick earlier so, I can’t really randomly check up on him anymore. I could go by and knock, but I don’t want to wake him up if he’s sleeping. When Nick is in there, he leaves the door crack so I know Kurt’s awake. The only problem with that is that, well, Nick is in there so there’s no alone time for me and Kurt, and Nick is usually helping Kurt catch up with his make-up work so I’d just be a distraction.”

“That sounds…complicated,” I said honestly. It really did. Blaine really liked Kurt, but Nick was being a major cock-block. I think Nick means well. He’s just helping Kurt when he is there, but he could shovel some of the responsibility of taking care of Kurt onto Blaine. “I’ll talk to him about letting you help more. I could see you in there feeding Kurt soup or something.” I laughed.

Blaine blushed. “Thanks,” he said. “Hopefully, Kurt will be better by tomorrow though.”

“Yeah,” I said. “You really like that kid, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do,” Blaine said. “He’s just so amazing. His voice was so light and musical, his eyes were the prettiest blue I’ve ever seen, and his smile and his laugh made me smile and laugh. Even talking about him makes me happy.

“How’s Nick doing? We haven’t really talked much lately,” I explained. “We’re best friends and he’s been so distance. We live together, and we barely talk anymore. The gap between us has gotten even bigger since Kurt got here. He’s been hanging with Kurt a lot.”

“He’s just taking care of him, Jeff,” Blaine explained, looking away.

“No, it’s more than that and you know it,” I said. “It’s like they have some freaky bond. He’s like super worried about Kurt all the time. It’s weird.”

“Maybe he and Kurt are just becoming good friends,” Blaine said, still not looking at me.

“You know something,” I said poking him.

“No, not really,” Blaine said. “I just think that Kurt had a hard time before he got here, and I think he’s been talking to Nick about it. That’s all.”

“Oh, I get it now,” I said, rubbing my chin. “Kurt must remind Nick of himself when he first got here. Kurt kind of reminds me of Nick in a way too, now that I think about it.”

“What do you mean?” Blaine asked.

“You know, Kurt kind of keeps to himself. When we compliment him, he belittles himself a little bit. I guess it’s ‘cause he’s a nice person, but he also seems a bit squeamish to the touch though which worries me. I hope he’s okay,” I said.

“Yeah, me too,” Blaine said sadly. I still felt like he was keeping something from me, but I left it alone.

We talked about clothes and other things until close to room check. Talking to Blaine really helped me out. I mean sure sometimes I zoned out and think about girls, Guitar Hero, and school while he was talking, but that’s really not my fault. I can’t really relate to some of the jokes he makes about famous romantic comedies or books he reads or Vogue stuff. I just smiled at him. I was glad he had Kurt to joke with about that kind of stuff now. It must have been lonely without him since he was just around us guys, not that Kurt wasn’t a guy. He was just a guy who was interested in the same stuff Blaine was and also happens to be gay so they share other interests too. Whatever. The point was that I was happy that Blaine had found someone else to talk to about guys and such. Kurt and Blaine needed to get together fast though. I’d have to give them some sort of push along with Nick’s help, of course.

Nick was another thing I constantly thought about when I was spaced out. People were always coming up to me telling me how lucky I was that Nick Duval was my best friend/roommate because I could get all the homework help I needed any time, but it was not like that. I’d never use Nick like that because we’re friends. He offered frequently, but I usually declined. It was weird though because honestly my grades are awful. They’re seriously terrible. The course load at Dalton was ridiculously difficult. My dad thought it was strange that Nick and I were able to hang out even though Nick was a super genius, and I pretty average and all about girls. Nick’s just a cool guy to be around. Well, he was usually busy tutoring kids for cash or studying since high school started. The weird thing was that Nick is naturally smart enough to just get A’s and B’s evenly, but he didn’t want the B’s, just the A’s. He views the B’s as mistakes so, he studies extra hard to avoid them. I think Nick’s obsession with perfection came from his stupid dad. I think Nick thought that if he was perfect in every way possible, that his dad would forgive him somehow and accept him as his son. But what Nick needed to understand was that he didn’t need forgiveness. Nick didn’t do anything wrong! That was what really pissed me off. All he did was exist, and that asshole beat the shit out of him for it for years. Was Nick’s existence that horrible of a thing? No, and if that jerk would have just accepted Nick for the great kid he was, then, maybe Nick would have been okay. Maybe then Nick wouldn’t have been so insecure so much when we were younger and just enjoyed everything like kids were supposed to.