It’s late. I can’t stop thinking about what Wes said to me during the last horse race: “Did you like the way I mounted you, David?” I shivered. He was probably just trying to be funny, but it made me nervous, sick to my stomach nervous. I was kind of out of breath too. Maybe I’m just coming down with something. It is getting cold outside; I’ll just bundle up more.

I left the bathroom, and Wes was already sleeping on top of his covers. I lifted him up and tucked him in. I didn’t want him getting cold again, even though he could just move to my bed if he did get cold, like last time. I smiled as he hugged his pillow tightly. I ruffled his hair and whispered, “Good night, Wes.” Before turning out the light and getting into my own bed. It was kind of empty without Wes next to me. Sure, he was like my own personal heater, but it was something more than that. I grabbed my phone to text my girlfriend, Caroline, good night, telling her to meet me here for church tomorrow.

Sunlight crept through the blinds waking me up in shock. I had overslept. I looked over to Wes’s bed but he wasn’t in it. He wasn’t in the bathroom either. Strange. I didn’t have time to figure that out. I got in the shower with my mind all over the place. I hope Caroline isn’t downstairs waiting on me, along with Emily. Where the hell is Wes? Aren’t we carpooling for church today? I dried off while attempting to brush my teeth. Unfortunately, I had to pause and go get clothes to put on. I put on a pair of boxers with my toothbrush hanging out of my mouth as the door busted open. “BREAKFAST!!” Wes yelled, holding out coffee and a bag.

“Awesome, thanks,” I said. “Is it cool if go in the bathroom and get dressed first?”

He blushed and looked away. “Um yeah, of course. I’ll just be the uh, the room, our room that we share…”

I laughed. “Okay, Wes,” I said, closing the bathroom door. Silly kid.

I threw on some black slacks and a white shirt. I opened the bathroom door. “Ta da! I got dressed all by myself.” I walked over to my closet staring intently at my ties. “Hey, Wes, red or black?”

“Red!” he shouted. “So you’ll look like Obama. Have you noticed that he only ever wears red ties? Anyway before you do that, you should eat,” he said as he walked over to me. I turned around while tying my tie to face him opening my mouth to protest, and he shoved a bagel in my mouth.

“Stop, just stop,” Wes said. “That is not how you tie a tie, silly.” I looked down and realized he was right. I don’t know what I did, but if I had continued, I would have looked ridiculous. Wes swatted my hands away and began fixing my mess.

“I didn’t know you owned skinny ties,” Wes said.

I looked down at him to see that he was still concentrating on the tie. He looks so small. He was almost as small as Blaine. I wanted to reach down and ruffle his hair, but that probably would have made him angry. I don’t know what it was, but I got really warm all of a sudden. I guess it was from running around trying to get dressed so quickly. I took the bagel out of my mouth and replied, “Yeah, I normally don’t, but Caroline bought it for me. She said it’d make my muscles stand out more or something.”

“Yeah, it makes you look really h- ” he said, pausing for a second. His face was a little red. Maybe, he was hot too. “It looks good on you,” he finished. He tightened the tie around my neck and slowly ran his fingers down the tie stopping at the end. I shivered a bit. I really must be sick or something. I was hot, and now I’m cold. It’s strange though because I never get sick. Wes looked up at me and smiled. “There, all done!” he said. He’s such a silly kid.

“Thanks,” I smiled at him, but he looked away. He went back to his desk and grabbed his coffee.

“No problem,” he said. “Now, let’s get downstairs. Our very patient girlfriends are waiting on us.”

“Holy crap! Are they really already here?”

“Yeah, but I told them to go get something to eat and come back,” Wes said.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” I asked him frustrated.

“I tried, but then, you confused me with a pillow or something and pulled me down onto the bed. It was…interesting. I broke free and tried again, but you just wouldn’t get up so, I let you sleep,” he answered nervously.

“Oh, thanks for trying,” I said. “Sorry, I treated you like a stuffed animal, Wes.”

“It’s fine,” he mumbled, I think. It might have been “Any time,” but I doubt that.

We got downstairs, and there they were: Emily and Caroline. Caroline ran up to me squealing like she hadn’t seen me in ages.

“Sorry,” she said shyly, “it’s just that I really missed you is all.”

“It’s okay,” I said, hugging her tightly. “I think you’re adorable.”

“Aren’t they just adorable, Wesley?” Emily asked.

“Yeah, just the cutest thing ever,” Wes said, dryly. I turned to make at face at his sarcastic remark, but he didn’t look like he was in a joking mood. He looked rather pensive or upset for some reason. Emily must have noticed it too because she quickly grabbed both of Wes’s hands and turned him to face her.

“Guess whaa-aaat?” she said to him.

“What?” he asked. “Did you finally sneak that kitten you’ve always wanted into the dorm?”

Emily laughed. “No, silly, I have a surprise for you after church!”

“Really?!” Wes practically shouted. “I love surprises! Does it involve sweets?”

“Of course it does,” Emily confirmed and smiled at him.

“Thank you!” Wes exclaimed sweeping Emily up and swinging her around. He gently placed her back on the ground, and hugged her tightly.

I smiled, staring at the two embrace each other. Wes looked so happy. Emily really was perfect for him. She was the female version of Wes. She was smart, loveable, loved Spaghetti, was a messy eater, cooked, and had this smile that just made everyone else in the room want to smile along just like Wes. Caroline grasped my hand taking me out of my thoughts.

“Well, it’s time to leave you guys,” Caroline said looking at her phone.

“Cool beans!” Emily said. “Alright, David you’re driving Caroline, and I will be driving my adorable boyfriend Wesley.”

“Um, okay,” I said. “Let’s go.”

We arrived just in time to get our usually seats right in the middle of the church on the right side. I liked the middle. It wasn’t so close to the back that the ushers could bother us about things like texting or chewing gum, and it wasn’t close enough to the front to be watched by the deacons and ministers. They were so creepy. The deacons were all these really tall men in these black suits who had it in for me and Wes since we got here. I mean we aren’t bad kids; it’s just really hard to pay attention some days.

When the collection plate was passed around, I noticed that Wes put way more in it than he normally does. That meant he felt guilty about something. Lately, he had been putting a lot more than normal in it though. I wonder why. I would have to ask him about it later. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be too personal, and he would think I was being noisy or something. I’m just worried about him like a good best friend should be. At altar call, we all stood like we normally do, but Wes went to the altar and got down on his knees and prayed. It was interesting. Normally, you see older people doing that when they are having financial troubles or family troubles. Some people do it when they are ill or going through a personal crisis. I wonder what was wrong with Wes. I didn’t even close my eyes or bow my head during the actual prayer. I just stared at Wes at the altar as he whispered to God. I turned to see Emily doing the same thing as I was, staring at Wes. She looked so worried.

As the sermon began, Caroline pulled out her phone suppressing a giggle. Who could she possibly be texting? I heard a phone buzz to my right and turned to see that it’s Emily’s sidekick, of course. I let out a sigh and rubbed my forehead. Suddenly, I felt a hard pinch on the back of my right hand. I turned to see that it was Wes’s hand that pinched me. I looked up at him. He had a worried look on his face, so I smiled at him to let him I was okay. I turned my attention back to the preacher, but then I was quickly distracted by Wes pinching the crap out of my hand. I opened my mouth to protest, but I remembered where we were and shut it quickly. A grin spread across Wes’s face as he continued his antics. After a few more pinches, I grabbed his hand, intertwining our fingers tightly so he couldn’t pinch me anymore. I held his hand as tightly as I could for the rest of service.

Wes’s POV

When service was over, we all turned to leave, but the preacher caught up with us asking to have a word with David. It bothered me. I wonder what that could be about. I hope it wasn’t because he held my hand during service or anything.

I led Caroline and Emily outside to wait for him. They talked about the new twilight movie which I tuned out completely. When David returned, he had a grin on his face so, I guess the preacher didn’t scold him or anything.

“Well, I guess I’ll take Caroline back while you two have fun on your date,” David said grabbing Caroline’s hand. We watched them until they got into David’ car.

Emily bounced across the parking lot to her car. As we got in I asked, “Where are we going that has you all excited?”

“We’re going to Mocha Choca Coco’s!” she shouted, as she started the car.

My eyes widened with excitement. “Isn’t that the really cute coffee shop that offers you teddy bears after you order? And they have the biggest pieces of cake ever!”

“Yep, that’s the one,” she said happily.

After we parked, I skipped happily beside Emily into the deserted coffee shop. “Cappuccino with lots of whipped cream and a large slice of red velvet cake for Wesley and a non-fat mocha latte for me,” she ordered.

I smiled widely. “Wow, I’m loving this surprise. You got my favorites.” She didn’t smile back in that cute way she normally does. She just handed me the cake and drink, and she slowly sat down. She stared down at the cup and sighed. She looked so sad, or maybe, disappointed. I really couldn’t tell.

“Look, Wes, I need you tell me something,” she finally said still looking at the cup. “Do you love me?”

My eyes widened staring at her as she looked up at me. I grabbed one of her hands gently rubbing her fingers. “Yes, Emily, I love you so much. Why would you ask? We say it to each other often. I mean we’ve been dating for a little over a year now and—”

“Exactly, it’s been a year,” she said looking away from me. I didn’t understand. “It’s been a whole year, Wes, and nothing has changed. We still walk around holding hands nervously, and you kiss me on the cheek occasionally, but that’s it. You’ve never been intimate with me at all! I don’t even mean sex. Yeah, we’ve made out a few times, but you never initiated it. Even when we hold hands, it feels forced or like a chore you have to do. At first, I thought maybe I’m not pretty enough, but—”

“Em, why would you think that?” I interrupted. “You’re—”

“Beautiful,” she finished. “I know. You say that often too along with my mother and grandmother.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You don’t say it like it’s something you believe or are impressed by or anything. You just say it just to say it!” she started shouting. “Then, I realized that you would never want me the way that I want you, or love me the way that I loved you.”

“What are you saying?” I asked confused by her past tense of “loved” me. “I still love you, Em. Do you not love me anymore?”

“I did, Wes, I did love you,” she said looking at me with tear filled eyes. “But you don’t love me. It’s okay. I know. I’ve known for a while now, and I understand why you haven’t said anything.”

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“You love David, Wes,” she said smiling, laughing even. “Isn’t that what you were praying about today? It was about what to do about us and him?”

“Yeah,” I said. “How did you know?”

“I’ve envied the way you look at him for months, now,” she said looking up at me. “The way you smile when you talk about him, or worry when someone else brings his name up in conversation like they’re going to say something terrible about him. I wish we had that, but we don’t and never will. And that is okay. David, clearly, is oblivious to your feelings, and if you bring it up, you’re afraid you’ll lose his friendship.”

“No,” I interjected. “David would try his best to remain friends with me no matter how awkward it would be for him. That’s just how he is. He’ll treat me differently. We won’t be able to do anything we do now. Then, we might even talk less or not at all. That’s what scares me the most, you know, him just not talking to me at all.”

“How long have you known?” she asked.

“Known what? That I loved David or that I was gay?” I asked.

“Both,” she confirmed.

“I’ve loved David since we became roommates freshmen year,” I said looking away smiling. “I don’t know about the whole being gay thing, yet, though. I’m not really attracted to other guys. I just know that I love him.”

“I’m happy you’ve found someone you love,” she laughed. “But really? We’re seniors now! He’s been oblivious for like four years! How can you stand it?”

“It’s getting hard, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that he will never love me. Not only because he’s never shown interest, but he is very Christian,” I said not really looking at Emily. “I mean, I am too and, yes, he’s okay with gay people, but I doubt he would be okay with dating a boy and being, well, gay.”

“You have a point there,” she said. “But you won’t know until you ask him, Wesley.” She smiled.

“Why did you stay with me if you knew? And why are you okay with this?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she said honestly. “I guess so I wouldn’t be alone. And I’m fine with you being in love with him. The heart wants what the heart wants. Plus, if some woman can marry the Eiffel Tower and be in love with it, then, I say gay people can get married too. It’s stupid to deny two humans getting married over an object and a human. People are stupid and should keep their hate to themselves. Plus, I’m one of those people that believe that if you follow the first ten you’re good to go. Caroline’s family, however, has beaten it into her head that being gay is wrong. You know the whole the Bible says a man sleeping with another man is an abomination. So, that is what she believes.”

“I’m assuming David doesn’t know that about Caroline, yet,” I said unsure.

“Probably not,” she said, “since Caroline said he’s planning on introducing her to Blaine and Thad soon.”

“Jesus,” I said sighing into my hands. “When did life become so complicated?”

“Don’t say the Lord’s name in vain, Wes,” Emily scolded. “He’ll send the angels to give you a receding hairline and make you go bald by your early 30’s.”

I laughed. “Who told you that nonsense?”

“My big sister,” she said. “Her bedtime stories are the best.”

I sighed. “Well, I guess this means we’re over, doesn’t it?”

“Yup,” Emily replied. “Sorry, but I don’t fancy being your beard any longer. There’s this guy in my Cal II class who I’m dying to introduce myself to.”

“Hey!” I protested.

“What?” she said. “You’ve been eying David for four years. I can eye one guy for a month or two.”

“You have a point,” I said. “I’m going to miss you, Em.”

“Geez, Wesley,” she said shocked. “It’s not like I died. We can still be good friends which apparently is what we’ve been for a year anyway. You’ve got a phone. I’ve got a phone. Call or text me some time okay?”

“Alright,” I said. “I will.”

“And you had better let me know when you finally tell David how loooovve him and you want his babies,” she smiled.

“Okay.”

“Alright, now, that that’s all settled, I’ll give you a lift back to your dorm, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, “and just so you know this was a horrible surprise.”

By the time I got back to the room, David had already changed and started working on some homework. As soon as I had opened the door, he spun around in his chair asking how the date went.

“So, what was Emily’s big surprise?” David asked, smiling. That smile somehow made it all better.

I sat on my bed and took off my shoes. “She broke up with me.”

“I’m sorry, Wes,” David said solemnly. “You guys were together for a year!”

“Yeah,” I said, “but it was kind of a mutual thing.”

“Oh,” he said unsure of how to comfort me, not that needed it. “Is that what you were praying about today?”

“Yeah, just stuff about me and Emily,” I told him. “I probably won’t be going to church with you guys for a while either. Emily will probably want her space and all. I’m fine staying here to catch up on work and such.”

“Yeah, okay,” he said. “I understand.”

It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the complete truth either. Yeah, I wasn’t sure what to tell Emily. I loved her like a good friend, but I was in love with my best friend. But, I also didn’t know whether I should tell David that I love him or just keep it to myself. I don’t want to ruin him. He’s so perfect the way he is. I’d mess up his whole way of thinking. So, I asked God to forgive me because I couldn’t return to church after that. I loved Him, but I have decided to pursue my feelings for David. I’m positive that the church will be completely unsupportive, and I don’t want him to go through that. But, I did promise God that he is in my heart always. Plus, I have my Bible, and I’ll be fine.

“Wes,” David said, “if you want to talk about it, or anything you know I’m here for you right?”

“Yeah, David,” I smiled. “I know, but for now I’m going to take a nap.”

“Okay,” he said worried. “I’ll turn out the main light and use a lamp.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I said, yanking off my tie.

“I want to,” he said getting up. “You need a nap after today.”

He turned the light off as I crawled into bed. I closed my eyes but my mind was plagued with thoughts of David. Should I tell him I love him or should I start with the fact that I might possibly be gay? Either way, will he still want to be around me? Will he want to room with me? Would his family care if I still came over to visit him? What about Caroline? He loved her didn’t he? I can’t get in the way of that if he does. It wouldn’t be fair to him or Caroline. I can’t ruin his life because of my selfishness. I could wait. I would wait. But, I’ve been waiting and I’ve grown tired of this. Whatever this was wasn’t working for me anymore. I can’t even look at him without blushing some days. Eventually, I will have to tell him. When? I have no idea.