Chapter 7

“We won't talk about this. We both know what we felt and that it was a hard decision. We already talked this through, so let's go on, okay?” I ask Blaine and he nods. I skip a few pages and we start reading the entry.

June 2012

Dear diary.

Rachel hosted a farewell-party yesterday. She made sure that we would all be there together one last time before we will all be torn apart and living all over the country. The idea itself was great and for the most part the evening was nice. The atmosphere was tense though. Most of the couples would still live in the same city. Sam and Mercedes would be the only other couple that would go for long-distance apart from Blaine and I. After a while Blaine told me that he had talked with dad and he got us a hotel room for the night, if I wanted. We said our goodbyes after another hour to have some alone-time. It felt so much like a goodbye. We made love the whole night and it was beautiful. We shed some tears and the feeling was so intense the whole time. I think I have never felt more connected to Blaine than I did last night. Bittersweet. When I woke up, Blaine was still sleeping on his back, slightly snoring and I watched him with my chin resting on his chest. He is so beautiful. How did I get so lucky to call this incredible creature mine? I have no idea. I softly stroked over his torso and his eyelashes fluttered. With a smack of his lips he opened his eyes and looked deep into mine. He smiled softly and I kissed him with so much passion while tears ran over my face again. It's getting harder every day and although I know that we will stay together for now, I have this queasy feeling in my gut that scares me. What if he meets someone new in college? I don't want to think about all this right now. We still have a week together before he moves to San Francisco and the girls and I to New York. I will take advantage of every minute we still have left. Some of our friends have already gone today. It's hard to leave everything behind and start a new chapter of your life. YES. I know I'm melancholic. I'm hurting and I'm scared shitless. I have no clue what awaits us in New York or in our relationship. So many thoughts run through my head right now. Of course I'm so looking forward to New York and to college. But I'm sad to leave dad and Carole behind. I have no idea how often I can come home for the holidays. I'll have to find work to be able to fly out home. And what if the studying is so difficult and I have to try extra hard to get along well? Will I be able to see Blaine? Will he come home for the holidays so that we can meet? I have no idea if he will be able to visit me in New York. The flights will be fucking expensive. I don't think his dad will pay for the flight to see his boyfriend. We still don't get along too well, Blaine's dad and I. I mean I know it's nothing I did, it's just that I'm a guy and not a girl. But it hurts. I'm glad that Blaine gets along with my dad though. I have no idea if we would have lasted if dad wouldn't have been so supportive. At least it would have been a lot more difficult for us. Well. I will meet up with Mercedes for a few hours before she leaves for LA tomorrow in the morning. Afterward Blaine will come over for dinner and a sleepover. As I said, I will cherish every minute we still have. See ya, Kurt

“Do you want to talk about it, honey?” Blaine asks me and I really don't have the strength to go through all these emotions right now, so I refuse with a shake of my head.

It's not that we never talked about this time but we both know that we can't change this chapter of our lives. And only reading these entries hurts like crazy. We both made mistakes throughout the years and we both learned to accept them at some point. I turn the page and we go on reading.

July 2012

Dear diary.

I'm sitting on the plane to New York. All of our stuff was already brought over by some moving company which was hired by Rachel's dads. It's more convenient to travel by plane than by moving truck. Blaine has been in San Francisco since last Saturday. We have talked over the phone every day since then. It's hard. It's only been a few days and I miss him like crazy already. I never thought that I would be such a whiny person. I'm strong and independent. But I can't stand to be apart from the person I love most. Santana and Rachel bicker the whole time in front of me. I have no idea how I agreed to live with them. I'll give them 2 weeks until they tear each others eyes out. Classes start in 3 weeks. So we still have a lot of time to situate ourselves into our new apartment and do some sightseeing. I'm looking forward to finally see Broadway again. The pictures Rachel showed us from the apartment are gorgeous. It's a 3-bedroom loft with partitions and an open living area. Britt and San will share a room. Rachel and I have our own. Finn will stay at the dorms at NYU. But I think we will see plenty of him. Can't wait to start decorating. I'm in charge for the open space and my bedroom. YAY! I will send Blaine some pictures when I'm done. Or I'll show him over Skype. He's staying in the dorms of his college. His roommate is nice, Blaine told me. He's straight and has a girlfriend back in Minnesota. She's a year younger than Steve. So, same problem as Blaine and I have. We'll land in a few minutes, so I'll stop for today. Will write about our apartment and the first days of New York air in a few days. Have plenty to do the next couple days. See ya, Kurt

“Oh I remember. The first days in New York were mesmerizing. I was totally overwhelmed by the beauty of the city. I saw the whole city from a different perspective than my childhood self. I fell in love with the city over and over again.” I have a dreamy look on my face and Blaine smiles at me lovingly. “Shall we go on?”

“Yes, please,” Blaine says and I turn the page.

August 2012

Dear diary.

WOW. I love New York. Our apartment is stocked, decorated and the fridge is full of nice things. We have a lovely coffee shop right around the corner and the supermarket is well stocked. Even Rachel finds all kind of vegan food there. My room is beautiful. I have a big window and an okay view. The walls here are thin. I hear every fucking moan of Britt and San. I had to buy earplugs on my third day to be able to get some sleep. And when you get up in the morning after maybe 3 hours of sleep you have a boisterous Rachel practicing her vocal chords or doing Yoga in front of the TV with horrible music. Holy fuck... My roommates need some getting used to. Blaine and I talk quite often on the phone and we skyped yesterday. I showed him the apartment and he loves it. We'll see each other Thanksgiving at home. I can't wait. He's doing okay so far, he said. He looked miserable yesterday. I did too, I suppose. We miss each other so much, it hurts. But we'll get through it. I know it's still a long time until Thanksgiving but we have Skype and phone calls and texting. And we will both be busy when classes start. Oh my fucking shit, San and Britt need to be reminded that they are NOT alone in this apartment. Have to go. See ya, Kurt

“Were they really that bad?” Blaine asks me curiously and I nod. He shakes his head and I look for the next entry.

September 2012

Dear diary.

Classes started. It's so interesting. I love my professors and my classmates are okay so far. Mostly girls but that's okay. I always got along better with girls anyway. Finn came over last weekend and he told us about his dorm. Ugh. I'm so thankful that I don't have to sleep in the dorm. Finn's roommate is messy like himself. I don't want to know what their room looks like. DISGUSTING!!! Rachel refuses to visit Finn in his room. Well THAT I understand completely. I wouldn't either. Who knows what kind of diseases you will get there. Mercedes called yesterday. She loves UCLA. She was paired up with Sugar as a roommate and Artie is in the same dorm. They enjoy their time together but they won't come home for Thanksgiving. But for Christmas for sure. YAY. I'm excited to see them again. But mostly for Blaine, of course. Can't wait to hug him and kiss him and touch him and breath him in and just be with him in general. I thought it would get easier after classes started but I miss him even more. I want to show him so much and just tell him what's happening every day, but there is the time difference and our classes have different schedules. Well shit. I can't wait for Thanksgiving. Santana is already totally stressed by the tight schedule she has in her law school. Apparently it's more difficult than she thought. And Britt is more than happy to pamper her every night. She takes her own classes so easily. Bless her. Well, she has always been a ray of sunshine. Rachel is even louder than ever. Practicing dancing and singing the whole time she's at home. I need a break, or I'll break her neck. We have to think about getting her bedroom soundproofed. Holy shit. I look like hell with bags under my eyes and my hair! Don't let me whine over my hair. Rachel brought over a friend from her classes. His name is Elliot and he has a great voice. And he's so gay... I caught him several times eying me and checking me out. I mean he's kinda cute but no. Have to get ready for dinner. San is cooking tonight. Maybe she'll try again to trick Rachel to eat real meat. We'll see. See ya, Kurt

Blaine eyes me and just lifts an eyebrow. “So, Elliot? Is there something I should know about?”

I know that he's just teasing me, because he already knows that there has never been anything going on with Elliot but I will play his game.

“Oh? Didn't I tell you that he tried to kiss me several times and I'm not sure if I was always capable of saying no?” I watch him with a challenging look and for just a second he looks insecure.

“I was joking, Blaine. You know that I never once kissed Elliot or let him kiss me. You were not really thinking that, right?” I glare at him and he sighs.

“No! Not really. I was maybe unsure for a second but of course I know you didn't. Sorry.” Blaine rubs his face for a moment and sends me a breathtaking smile.

“I know, honey. Don't worry. I was teasing you. Shall we go on?” I ask and already look for the next interesting part.

November 2012

Dear diary.

I'm on my way home to Lima. Fucking finally!! I can't wait to see Blaine. And dad and Carole of course. But BLAINE. My beautiful boyfriend. My Blaine. I couldn't sleep the last couple days. I was so nervous. Rachel, San and Britt will stay in New York over Thanksgiving. Rachel's dads are visiting them though. Blaine will get me from the airport. He's already in Ohio as he told me this morning on the phone. He was a bit reserved, but maybe he was just tired. I CAN'T WAIT TO FINALLY KISS HIM AGAIN!!! Holy fuck, I'm shaking already.

Classes are going just fine and I can keep up with my classmates. The girls and I found a really good way to split our chores and living with them is getting easier. I'm finally at ease with all of this sharing space and all that. Finn is snoring next to me. As always. I have no clue how he manages to stay awake in his classes but apparently he is not doing bad. I'm impressed with my brother. Huh. Who would have thought? Definitely not me. Haha. Okay, I'm too nervous to go on writing. Will have to calm my nerves with a movie or some music. I'll write again on my plane ride back to NY or something like that. See what Blaine has planned. See ya, Kurt

Blaine gulps and puts his face in his hands. “That was... um,”

but I interrupt him. “Please stop right there and let's get to the next one, okay?”

Blaine nods and I turn the page with blinking eyes.

November 2012

Dear diary.

I really don't know what I feel right now. I'm numb, angry, mad, hurt, disappointed, devastated, empty, furious and incredibly sad. And I have no idea how to put in words what exactly happened this weekend.

Let me start from when Finn and I finally caught sight of Blaine in the airport. He held a red rose in his hand and waved us over as soon as he spotted us. I ran into his arms and nearly knocked him over with my enthusiasm. We kissed right there in the middle of the airport and Finn averted his eyes to give us a moment. I started crying the second our lips met. Blaine cried too and hugged me so tight that he nearly squished all air from my lungs. Finn took my trolley and Blaine and I left hand in hand towards the parking lot. Finn was so kind to offer to drive so that Blaine and I could sit in the back of Blaine's car. We just looked at each other with so much love and hunger. Every few seconds we kissed again and touched and smelled each other. I nuzzled Blaine's jaw and he stroked my cheek. My heart raced and I couldn't stop grinning. When we arrived at home, dad and Carole were already waiting at the front door. Carole squeaked and dad just grinned. After a long chat and a lovely dinner, Blaine and I excused ourselves to my room. The second my door closed we tore at each others clothes to get naked at soon as possible. We fell on my bed and just touched for a few minutes. Warm skin and goosebumps and muscles and reacquainting with the others body. Our movements slowed down and we kissed for what felt like hours. Blaine asked me what I wanted and I told him that I wanted to feel him everywhere so he pulled me on my side and spooned me from behind. He prepped me slowly with care and love until I nearly came just from that. When he pushed inside I finally felt whole again. Our love-making was slow, deliberate and so wonderful. My entire body and mind were in tune with Blaine's and I couldn't say how long we lasted until we both came with a cry and moaned each others names. Blaine held me tight to his body and showered my back and my neck with loving open-mouthed kisses. I was on cloud 9. The connection between us hummed and I was lost in the afterglow. Before we fell asleep Blaine cleaned us both up and pulled the duvet over our bodies. When I woke up in the early hours of the morning Blaine was not in bed with me and I rubbed my eyes to wake properly. When I turned on my bedside lamp I could see Blaine sitting on my small couch in the corner of my room. He looked crushed and sad and all I could do in that moment was to ask him what was wrong. When he turned his face towards me I saw the tears streaming down his face and I stumbled out of the bed to reach him and pull him into my arms. I asked again what was wrong and he watched me for a moment before he told me that he has thought about this weekend for a long time and that he didn't really know how to tell me that he had decided to set me free. First I thought that he was joking and slapped his bare shoulder. But when his expression didn't change I just said that I didn't understand what he was saying. He said that he loved me so much and that it wasn't fair to hold on to me and limit me in any way. He rambled something like 'I don't want to hold you back' and 'you deserve to have a boyfriend who can share all your daily experiences with you in the same place' and 'it's not fair to expect from you to never kiss anybody else when we can only see each other every few months'. At some point I stopped listening and just asked him if he cheated on me. He told me that he would never cheat on me. I saw his expression and I know him well enough to see if he lies to me. He didn't. I believed him and I know Blaine. He wouldn't cheat on me. I asked him if he met someone and again he said that he didn't and that he only ever loved me, still does and forever will. I was confused and asked him why he would break up with me then. He just said that it wasn't fair to me. I didn't get it. If he was capable of doing long-distance with visits as often as possible and knowing that time would change for the better at some point, why didn't he believe that I could do that too? That's when I got angry and asked him just that. If he thought that I would cheat on him at some point because I couldn't hold out the lack of sex or intimacy? If he thought that I was so sex-driven that I couldn't wait for a few moths before we had the chance to meet again? How dare he? I love him and I would wait for how long it would take to have him with me again. And what about phone-sex, skype-sex or fucking sexting? What did he think about me? That I was a fucking nympho? I panicked and stood abruptly from his lap to run into my bathroom. I slammed the door and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my room. When I returned a few minutes later and put on some clothes, Blaine's were gone and the room was empty. Slowly I left my room and heard him crying downstairs in the living room. Carole stood on the doorstep of their room and shot me a concerned look. I just shook my head to let her know I couldn't talk right now and she retreated back inside. I went back to my room and just lied on my bed, waiting for sleep to come. Of course it didn't. A few hours later, when I heard movements outside of my room and downstairs I got up and descended the stairs to enter the kitchen. Finn, dad and Carole were grabbing coffee mugs and preparing breakfast. When I asked if they had seen Blaine they shook their heads but Carole gave me a letter that must have been sitting on the kitchen counter. I took the letter and pointed to the ceiling to let them know that I would read that upstairs. They all watched me leave and I pressed the letter to my heart when I entered my room again. I sat down on my bed, unfolded the sheet of paper and began to read. After finishing I couldn't see properly through the stream of my tears. My heart ached and I started screaming and bawling. Finn ran into my room and just threw his arms around me without asking any questions. I couldn't talk anyway so I just let him hold me. He tried to soothe me with his whispered words and after an eternity my eyes ran dry. I wanted to be alone and Finn got the message and left me. I just laid on my bed and read the letter over and over and over. How could he do this to me? I guess I don't have to say that the rest of the weekend was just me wailing and my family trying to comfort me. Nobody asked any questions and I was thankful. I just told them that Blaine broke up with me and that none of us cheated or was interested in someone else. They just hugged me. I have no idea how I will cope with all that back in New York. Right now I just want to get back and bury myself in my sheets for the next weeks. We'll see if the girls will let me. Probably not. I'm exhausted and will try to sleep for a bit before reaching NY. Kurt

Blaine and I both cry after reading this and I pick the letter Blaine wrote me out of my diary and unfold it for both of us to read.

My love,

I'm incredibly sorry about what happened this morning. First thing: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! And this is exactly the reason why I have to set you free. I don't want to hold you back. I know that you probably would wait an eternity for me. I would too. But this is so unfair to you and I don't want that. Please know that I never ever cheated on you or was interested in any other guy. You are it for me and if it's meant to be, we will be together again at some point. I believe in that. Please live your life like you should and enjoy every aspect of college life. I know you love me and I know that I hurt you so bad with my actions but please be aware that I think it's for the better this way and I didn't do this to purposely hurt your feelings. I hope that at one point you can forgive me and what I did to you and maybe we will stay in contact, if you'd want that. I would hate it if we'd part in anger. I couldn't live with myself. If you are willing to call me or text me please do. I promised you once that I would pick up the phone or answer your text whenever you need me. That is still the case, of course. I'll give you the time you need to think about all this and if or when you are ready, please talk to me. I won't pressure you. I know that you get defensive when you are hurt. So I'll wait for you to get in contact with me, as soon as you are ready. I will be going back to San Francisco on Saturday.

I'm sorry. I will love you forever.

Always yours, Blaine