Chapter 6

“I have to say that that weekend was one of my favorite weekends that we spent in Ohio. It was really the perfect setup for losing our v-cards. Thanks again for making it so special, honey.” Blaine says and beams at me and I just chuckle.

“Thank you too, darling. It was a really special weekend. And that reminds me that we took advantage of any given time that we were alone at my home. Oh god, we had so much sex in the following weeks and even months after that first time. Multiple times a day. I have no idea how we were able to sit at all.” I shake my head and Blaine just snorts.

“I think we can skip a lot of the next entries, because they entail only various positions and descriptions of our love-making. Did we even do something else apart from having sex until the beginning of senior year?” I wonder and skip a lot of pages until I'm at the end of my first diary.

“Oh, I guess not. Have to get no. 2. There's really just us having sex. Nothing else. Well, we were horny teenagers.” I mumble and pick the next diary from the table and open the first page.

October 2011

Dear diary.

I'm crying. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. So many emotions are running through my mind right now. I don't know where to start. We just started senior year and Blaine and I talked about college applications. We agreed to apply to only colleges in New York this summer because of course we think about our future together. At least I thought so... Well, maybe I was wrong. Blaine wants to apply to UCLA, San Francisco Conservatory of Music, Colburn Conservatory of Music LA and Musicians Institute LA apart from Juilliard, NYU and Manhattan School of Music. WTF??? I bet this was his father's doing to get him to think about it or he will cut his grant. Los Angeles, California? Only because Cooper lives there? I don't get it. I have no clue what will happen. We argued and yelled and maybe I said some things I'm not proud of. He didn't call or text today at all. Well, I'm not going to call him, that's for sure. I will NOT apply to FIDM or OTIS in LA. I want to go to Parsons in NY. LA is definitely not going to happen for me. If he doesn't understand that, then it's his problem and not mine. I'm still fuming. Fuck... What if he will get into the California colleges? Will he leave me? Will we try long-distance? Fuck fuck fuck I'm panicking right now. Shit. I'm scared. I know there is still sooooo much time until next summer and so much can happen by then, but I can't stand to lose him. I can't. I won't. I will not give up on us. NO WAY! I will call him now. Or maybe not? What shall I do? I have to call Mercedes and Britt first. Wish me luck. See ya, Kurt

“Please can we not talk about it now?” I ask Blaine with a hint of pain in my voice and he just nods. We both know that this was only the beginning of the hard times we had ahead of us and we both were in denial and avoided that topic after we made up the next day. We didn't speak about our applications for a long time.

I skipped a few pages until I found the next entry I wanted to share.

November 2011

Dear diary.

Halloween was fun. We were at Rachel's and had a party in her basement. Good that I was in charge of most of the costumes. If Rachel had to chose a costume herself she would have picked Britney Spears' school girl outfit. Holy fuck. Well, now she and Finn were going as Chip and Dale. Hilarious!!!! I nearly broke down with laughter. Quinn and Noah were Cinderella and Prince Charming. HAHAHAHAHAHA. NOAH!!! He even wore a wig... Artie and Sugar were John Travolta and Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction. Great choice!!! Mike and Tina were Superman and Supergirl. LOL. But they looked great!!! Sam and Mercedes were Shrek and Fiona. OMG. All this green paint in the face... Ugh. My face would scream. Britt and Santana were Baywatch lifeguards. Duh... That was Santana's idea of course. And Blaine and I were Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble. I was Fred of course... Oh we had so much fun. Finn was sweating in his Chip costume and constantly complaining that he looked like an idiot. Rachel was scolding him non-stop. After everybody got drunk apart from Finn and I – we were the designated drivers – the embarrassing games started. Never have I ever was kinda interesting. Until it came to Blaine and I of course. I really hope that our friends were drunk enough to forget what we had to share about our sex-life. Otherwise I will never live this down. Especially with Santana and Noah. I have to deal with Finn of course, but I still have enough blackmail material about him and Rachel to get out of this. Truth or Dare was kind of the same. We had to make out in front of everyone and when we were really going for it Finn screeched that we should stop now before we would have sex in front of them an no one wanted to see that. Well, Mercedes, Britt, Rachel and Tina wanted that apparently. Of course we stopped then. I don't really have an exhibition-kink. After Finn got everybody home, Blaine and I drove back to my place and we continued what we had to stop at the party. Blaine was fucking me hard and fast and the headboard of my bed must have clanged against the wall (what we didn't recognize in the haze of passion) because at one point dad stormed into my room and told us to let the rest of the house sleep and maybe move this to the floor where they wouldn't be kept awake by the banging on the wall. He left the room and left us alone again. OMFG. After the initial shock we chuckled and just changed the position to finish a lot quieter than before. When I woke up Blaine was already downstairs with dad and they were talking quietly. I didn't hear what they were talking about because they stopped when they heard me coming down the stairs. Well, that was weird. Have to ask dad or Blaine what that was about. I'll meet Mercedes and Tina in a few. Have to go. See ya, Kurt

“We looked fabulous that Halloween!” Blaine grins.

“Wait, I have a group picture. Hieram took it. Look.” I take the picture out of the diary and show it to Blaine.

“Oh yeah, I remember. Puck looked ridiculous with that wig on his head.” Blaine laughs out loud and I snicker too. “And the prize for the funniest costume definitely went to Rachel and Finn. Look at the sour look on Finn's face. It's hilarious how they bickered the whole evening because of that. And look at Britt and San. There wasn't really much fabric on their bodies to cover a lot of the parts I really didn't want to see like ever. The party itself was so much fun, that's true. When your dad stood in the doorway of your room that night I really tried not to laugh that he caught us AGAIN having sex.” Blaine rubs his neck and smirks at me.

“Yeah, I think we got used to him intruding at some point and I lost all shame from then on in front of him. Do you want to talk about that last part? I never really got an answer what you and dad talked about that morning.” I watch him curiously and Blaine sighs.

“Well, it had something to do with our applications and I wanted to get his opinion. Do you really want to talk about it now? You know that it was such a hard time for both of us.” Blaine tries to soothe me to change the subject but I won't let him.

“Honey, I know that. But it's not that it's only the happy times I wrote about in my diaries. There were many entries where I suffered or was mad or heartbroken. So are you willing to go through all of them or shall I skip over to the happy times? It doesn't work that way, Blaine. And remember that we got past all this at some point. Otherwise we wouldn't be here right now.” I put my left hand on Blaine's so that our wedding bands clink together.

I know that Blaine doesn't like confrontation and bad memories but that's life. And he wanted to go through my diaries. So he has to deal with everything it entailed. I'm not being cruel but maybe it's good for us to see each others point of views of some experiences we made.

Blaine sighs again in defeat and rubs his temples. “I know. Well, I told him about my plans to apply to colleges in California and New York and he asked me what my motives were. I told him that I was pressured by my dad but that the colleges in California were really great too. He asked me what you said to all that and I told him that we had a fight about all this college stuff. He asked if you were applying to colleges in California too and I said that not that I knew of and he just hummed at that. He asked what I thought would happen when we were going to colleges so far apart from each other and I truthfully told him that I didn't know. He said to me that apart from loving me like a third son and that he was sure that you and I would marry one day, I should do what was best for me and to pursue my dreams. He didn't want for us to fight in the end because one followed the other and put his own dreams on hold.”

I'm silent for a while and think about all Blaine had told me.

“Wow. So dad was a factor in all this too? I had no idea.” I start but Blaine interrupts me.

“Please don't judge your dad in all this, darling. There was so much more what led to where it went. And when you think about it today as a parent what your dad said to me back then, it kind of makes sense, right? What will you tell Keira or Lizzy when they will ask the same questions in a few months when they start to send their own college applications and are still together with their current boyfriends?” Blaine strokes over my back and again I have to think for a minute what my answer will be.

“You are partially right. I want the best for them and I want them to follow their dreams but if they will tell us that they can't be apart from their boyfriends and want to move to Vancouver or wherever, I think I would let them go.” I say with a small voice and peak at my husband through my eyelashes.

“You will not! I know you way better, baby. You would fight with them and argue with them and even pull the 'because-I-said-so-card'.” Blaine cries out.

I lower my head in defeat and groan. “Shit. You know me better than anyone else. Of course you're right. I will fight tooth and nail to knock some sense into their heads. Well, let's face the music when it starts playing. Want to go on?”

Blaine just nods and I take a look at the next pages until I find the next to share.

December 2011

Dear diary.

I sent out my applications to Parsons, Juilliard and NYU. Blaine refuses to tell me where he did apply and I was pissed at him. Again. It's a current feeling at the moment. One day everything is perfect and two days later we fight again. Over little things. And this isn't little. It's our future. Why won't he talk to me? What did I do to deserve this behavior? Do I pressure him into something he doesn't want? He could tell me if he didn't want to come to New York with me if that's the case. I don't know what I will do, but I deserve to know at least. Right? Am I selfish? I don't want to lose him. That's nothing I should feel ashamed of...

Rachel applied to Juilliard, NYADA and Tisch. Britt and Santana applied to Tisch, Pace, Pratt and NYU. So the girls will definitely come to New York with me. Mercedes applied to various colleges around the country and Tina and Mike too. Finn applied to Ohio State and NYU. Noah wants to go to military school and Quinn will for sure go to Yale, Harvard or Stanford. Artie, Sam and Sugar are still unsure what to do with their lives. So for now it means to wait for letters. And I hope that Blaine will talk to me at some point. I hate that he doesn't. And I really can't figure out what's going on in his head. Will do some homework now to clear my head. See ya, Kurt

“We don't need to speak about this entry because we did that already around that time. There isn't anything in it, we didn't talk about. So want to see the next one?” I look at Blaine and he nods and I again turn some pages.

February 2012

Dear diary.

Valentine's day was tense. Blaine and I went out for a romantic getaway with an overnight stay at a nice hotel in Columbus. Mostly it was nice. The food was great and we talked about everything what came to our minds apart from the elephant in the room. We both got some letters back from the colleges where we applied. I didn't have the guts to open them yet. I wanted to wait for Blaine to come to me. He didn't. I think he is retreating from me. Maybe not on purpose, but this whole college thing is tearing us apart. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. Why do we both have to suffer because of this? I really want to work this out. I know that I'm a bit difficult right now and even bitchier that ever, but what do I have to do to get Blaine to speak to me? I discovered that we have a lot of angry sex at the moment. I mean sure we love each other and we make love to each other, but you can feel the tension and the frustration even in our sex-life. Not that I don't like it a bit rough sometimes, but I can't stand this uncertainty. I'm hurt and angry so often that it scares me. I will get him to speak to me. We will open our letters and we will talk about what we decide to do. Dad is no help. He refuses to tell me what he and Blaine talked about because he said it wasn't his story to tell and he stays diplomatic when I ask him what I should do regarding Blaine and our future. I hate having to be an adult. I hate making decisions without the help of my boyfriend. I hate it that I'm scared that I will lose him. I hate it that I have the feeling that I will have to go to New York without the love of my life... Fuck, I'm crying again. I hate it that I cry every other day... Will go and get myself a carton of ice cream. I need one right now. See ya, Kurt

“I know I said it a lot of times until today, but I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way, baby. I hate it that I made you cry so much and that I refused to talk to you and that I retreated from you and that I panicked and that I let my dad rule my life and that you had to suffer so much and that I was the worst boyfriend the world has ever seen at that time. I can't say it often enough. I'm so so sorry, baby.” Blaine has tears running down his cheeks and I swallow hard.

“I know, honey. I forgave you a long time ago and I understand your actions to some point. Maybe I would have done the same if I would have been in your shoes. I don't know, but we'll never have to find out. Shall we go on? Or do you want to postpone the upcoming sad entries until tomorrow?” I ask and turn some pages without looking at him.

“No. I think we should do this now until there come better times. Then we can go to bed for today. I don't want to end this evening on a sad note. Regardless of how it is now. I remember those many many months vividly but let's get done with them.” Blaine still wipes some tears from his and from my eyes with his fingertip and I kiss him softly.

“Okay, let's move on then.” I say and open the diary where I put the bookmark in.

March 2012

Dear diary.

It's official. I got accepted into Parsons and NYU. I will go to Parsons though. It was always my first choice. Rachel got into NYADA, Finn into NYU, Santana into Pace for Law, Britt into Tisch, Mercedes, Artie and Sugar into UCLA, Mike and Tina into OSU, Noah into military school, Quinn into Yale and Sam will go to community college in Columbus.

Blaine... yeah Blaine. He got accepted into UCLA, San Francisco Conservatory of Music, Musicians Institute LA and NYU. A tiny part of me thought he would go for NYU. I was wrong. So wrong...

Blaine will go to the San Fran Conservatory of Music. He will leave me. He won't come to New York with me. He will break up with me. I will never see him again. I'M DYING. I can't stand that. I refuse to accept that. He said that he wants to try long-distance if I would want that. He wants us to stay together. He promised me that he won't give up on us. When he told me yesterday I broke down in front of him. I screamed and yelled and cried and I pounded his chest with my fists and he just held me tight and we cried until there were no more tears. Totally exhausted we fell asleep in my bed and when I woke up we still clasped to one another. I'm kind of numb right now and I don't know what will happen until we graduate. I know that I will move in with Rachel, San and Britt into an apartment that's owned by Rachel's dads. The rent is low and it's enough space for all of us. Well, at least that's something that is for sure right now. Finn volunteered to punch some sense into Blaine but I refused. We will try long-distance. We will make it work. I know it. Will go to the garage and help dad now. See you, Kurt