– Hi, I'm Elisabeth, but people call me Kurt as a nickname.

She had said it a ridiculous amount of times, really, but reactions still hurt. She still felt her throat clench nervously every time she felt the need to mumble or stutter it, blushing, looking at her feet. If anything, this sentence was guilty of both Kurt's awkwardness and loneliness.

Since puberty, it had gotten even worse, in a way that Kurt would have thought was impossible before. Usually, people just considered her, her long hair and girly dresses, her nice shoes and make-up, and sort of pouted dubiously, before asking, and that was the second most painful sentence in Kurt's life :

– But are you, like, trans, or something ?

Or something would be accurate. Kurt closed herself in the closet like it was her own personal Narnia, so far inside she had actually lost all hope of seeing daylight again.

Most of the time, it wasn't so bad in there, really : it was warm and comfy, it smelled like old books, blazers and snowy days - home. But most of all, she has time to herself, inside, plenty of time to think about tall, blue-eyed and attrictive boys.

Yup. Very attractive, indeed.

This is one of the many reasons Kurt isn't looking forward to summer camp. There are other and bigger ones, of course : first, it is one long, endless, painful month far from home. Home, these days, no matter how much Kurt can be ironic and bitter about it, is an awful lot of baking with Carole, watching football games with Burt and laying on her bed listening to Puck crush her brother under his unbelievable skills at violent and bloody videogames.

This is her life right now, and she just wishes it could be like that forever.

Then there's the lessons, of course : one month of chemistry and math lessons isn't something that anyone would be looking forward to, even if it's just three hours in the morning, even if the afternoon is a promising sequence of swimming in pools, playing tennis and sight-seeing.

But the main reason is Kurt's secret, that she isn't ready to tell anyone. And one month of seeing new people, boys but mainly girls, is surely not going to be easy. It's still Ohio there, and Kurt can't afford to be revealed, even to people she won't see again in her life, even to people she probably won't care about or even want to talk to.

Kurt is pretty careful about it, of course : she has never written it down, never even muttered it under her breath when nobody was home. When she is in public, she avoids even thinking about it, when she walks, she avoids even looking up from her feet, from fear that her glance might go somewhere it shouldn't.

One second, a handful of moments could be enough for everything to break through the surface : one second at the swimming pool, with so many girls in swimsuits. One second spent looking at hair, or bare forearms, or lips. Just one second could be enough to destroy Kurt's life forever.

And that's when Kurt admits it to herself : she is truly terrified about summercamp.

She has everything packed already, even if it's still five days until she has to leave. Two neat suitcases, standing at the end of her bed, remind her every morning of the dreaded countdown, and she tries to do everything in the meantime, everything she wishes she could spend eternity doing.

She goes to visit Quinn and brings cupcakes she had baked with Carole, and they spend the whole night watching silly films and singing Disney covers, dressing up in Quinn's weirdest clothes. Quinn turns around when Kurt changes, and Kurt is grateful because she can retribute the favor without feeling idiotic, and because she can avoid staring like a peeping Tom.

They eat a ridiculous amount of sugary food, paint each other's nails rainbow and stare at the town through the window when everything is finally dark and the air smells like flower fields and summer. They look at each other and giggle for no reason other than that : their ridiculous freedom and the fact that Kurt is thinking about making pancakes at three a.m., the fact that summer feels like eternity, and the fact that this, that sleepless and silly night, seems to be all they could ever need. They watchy silly TV shows where they can make fun of everything, from the clothes of the main character, who has the unbelievable and at the same time familiar ability to dress like a toddler and a grand-mother at the same time. They laugh at the ridiculous storylines and at the lack of continuity, and they pretend not to cry when someone dies. They tell each other stupid gossip about school or family (and Kurt is sure Finn will disembowel her one day if he finds out she told Quinn all that stuff, so they pinky promise never to reveal any of it to anyone). They talk about glee club and the hated Rachel Berry, and about how Mr Schue is so obviously partial about her. They talk about school, and life, and the future, of wich they are both equally afraid, for different reasons. They invent ridiculous fairytales about thir future lives, and they roll around on the floor crying from laughter.

Kurt feels the impulse to take Quinn on a road trip, a really long road trip, until they don't know where they are anymore, until all they can see is the endless road, until so much days and night have passed by that it isn't even summer anymore, and pretend that this is real life and they never need to come back, pretend they don't have a home to come back to, because that smelly old car is the only thing they can really see as home. Kurt feels the impulse to tell her her secret, the biggest one, because Quinn is the best friend she could have asked for, because she has the prettiest smile, because she would surely understand. Kurt has the urge to just hold her in her arms and whisper it, louder than she has ever said it : I like girls.

But then Kurt can't because : because. Quinn is a Christian, after all : she doesn't believe in sex before marriage, or contraception, or...

Or love. Love, in the way it is, or will be, for Kurt. Quinn believes the way Kurt loves, or will love, isn't real - or worse : is bad. Kurt is a sinner, and someday, after her time is over, she will burn in hell along with those of her kind : murderers, and rapists.

So Kurt doesn't tell, because Quinn is all she has right now, and she can't afford to lose her. She doesn't tell, because Quinn is the best friend she could ever have asked for, and unless she finds out that friendship could last forever, and Kurt certainly wants it to last forever.

She doesn't tell, because until someone know about it, she can pretend it isn't true, she can pretend she is totally normal and she will get married and have kids someday, like every other girl in this world.

She doesn't tell, because it is easier for her to just assume that Quinn is intolerant and homophobic, to just pretend that everything would change if she did. She doesn't tell, because in reality she is just a scared little girl, and she is overall just not ready.

The following day, back home, she finally steps up, after days, weeks, and ask Finn and Puck if she can, too, play with them. At first, they laugh, and she expected it, but in they end they just shrug and say, 'it's not like you're gonna beat any of us, anyway.'

So she plays, and even if she doesn't, actually, beat Puck, she comes closer to it than Finn has ever managed to, and as expected she steps over Finn's virtual dead body awfully easily, and both boys look at her in awe. It smells deliciously like victory, and she mutters under her breath, 'achievement unlocked', before collapsing into laughter at their disappointed and almost bashful look. This is the best thing ever, and when the boys just ban her from playing, she just stands behind them, arms folded, a victorious smirk to her lips, and snorts in a really frustrating sort of way when any of them lose or mistep, and they get so angry at her she can't help but smiling fondly, and after she bakes them muffins they allow her in the game again and she is one of them.
It feels better than she would have expected, even if Puck seems to believe it gives hime the right to uncomb her hair with his fingers every five minutes and treat her like some sort of neglected younger sister.

The four remaining days pass like this, in a delicious mixture of frustration and freedom : she drives to the zoo with Sam and his siblings, and holds them as high as she can so they can see above the crowd, and they have disgustingly fat hamburgers for lunch, and when at the end of they day they collapse messily in the car and she tells Sam that he has to drive, the smile won't leave her lips. She attempts to help Burt at the shop, but there isn't much to do, and they end of covered in dirt and laughing, and Kurt has to have another shower. She invites Mercedes over, and they come up with a really personal medley of Rihanna songs, but it sounds pretty amazing so they record it anyway, and send it to the dreaded Berry so she can be jealous and mourn alone in her bedroom.

But at one point it is over, and Kurt has to get in her car, suitcases at the back and GPS ready with her destination, say goodbye and get on the road. She tries not to think about it, but she ends up crying about forty minutes after the departure and has to pull over.
It sounds like the trip is going to be painfully long.