8th of August

I’m feeling awfully aware today.

‘Aware of what?’ you might ask.

Aware of everything is my answer.

Or, well, that’s just how I’m feeling. I know I'm technically not aware of everything, that’s just how I’m feeling, as I said. Complicated, maybe.

   So today, more than ever, I need to try my best to fool myself into thinking that there’s actually someone out there listening. So pretend with me, okay?

I’m going to try to explain the way I’m feeling, how I’ve felt all day, and I’m going to tell it to you and you only, so please, at least pretend to listen, or even exist. Anyway, here goes nothing;

Whatever I do, even right now, as I’m writing this, I’m wasting time. I’m getting closer and closer to dying for every passing second.

But, that’s not what’s wrong right now.

What’s wrong is that that thought doesn’t scare me at all. Death, that’s it. I’m not scared of it. What I’m scared of is staying.

But at the same time, it’s not that either.

I’m not scared. I’m not not scared.

I'm not anything.

I guess that’s what I’m aware of.

I’m literally nothing. It’s like I’m just a… a thing.

It doesn’t matter what I do; I’ll never be human again even if I try.

Maybe I should just stop trying completely? I mean, what’s the point really?

 Give me a good answer to that, and maybe I’ll keep going for at least a little while longer. Maybe.