4th of June

To live.

What is it all about, really?

I have no idea.

I can’t remember.

I cannot recall the last time I felt alive.

Because, you see, I’m not living anymore.

I’m merely surviving.

 Now there’s only pain.

Every day, every night, every hour, minute and every second; there’s pain.

Nothing else.

Just the never-ending pain.

It follows me like a shadow.

Hunts me, even into my dreams at night.

I can never escape.

For the pain is inside me and I cannot run from myself.

There would be nowhere to hide.

  …Go ahead and mock me if you want. I don’t care. But sometimes writing like that is the only thing I can do. And today is one if those days.

I’m having such a horrible day today I want nothing more than to just end everything right here and now.

But I can’t do that. Because that would only help me. If I were to die, I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain and this… hopelessness I feel all the time. But it’d hurt the few people I still have in my life. I’d cause them so much pain if I… No. I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.

‘Cause then I’d make everyone around me hurt so bad, and I could never do that.

So I’ll just have to somehow make it through this mess. (Even if I can’t even imagine ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’ as it is now)