“Well, I would say that I’m happy to see you, but…” Mrs. Black smiled, shaking her hand and showing him into her office. 

  “Same for you,” Blaine said, trying his best to smile back. 

  “So,” said the therapist once they’d both settled down. “what gives me the pleasure?”

  The old feeling of… gratitude flooded over him as he thought of a way to answer her; she was one of those people who weren’t too serious, yet super good at her job. Other people he’d gone to in search for help (like Ms. Cooper, who he’d been nothing but forced to go to far too many times in his life) within the exact same line of work, had a tendency to either be way too serious about everything, or not take anything seriously. They also often looked very bored and uninterested, which didn’t help. (Not that he could blame them –their job must be very heavy to deal with sometimes, and they probably heard about the same problems again and again. But checking the time every three seconds and looking like you’re on the brink of falling asleep really doesn’t make you feel like a person you want to tell your inner most secret secrets and struggles to.)

  Mrs. Black, or Elisabeth, was an amazing person in Blaine’s eyes. During the several months he went to her every week, his trust grew for her, and he eventually let her help him, or maybe he eventually learned how to let her help him. It happened, however. Every now and then, she had happened to come to the Lima Bean while Blaine was working, and once or twice he’d sat down with her to talk for a while –and not as therapist and patient, but as… equals. 

  Elisabeth was married to a man named Thomas, he’d learned from their conversations. Together they had a child named Nick, who was adopted, and also vegetarian. Blaine wasn’t really sure why and how he knew that. Sometimes, when they had the time, the family liked to take over-the-weekend trips to different places not too far away. Blaine had found himself jealous of their family and how happy and well-functioning they seemed more than once.

  “Well I, um, the dreams are back, for one.”  Blaine started, sinking deeper into the black supposed-leather armchair. 

  “And what else?”

  Blaine shrugged. “Not much,”

  “Now, you see, I know you’re lying, because you said ‘for one’, and you do that when there’s something else that you want to mention but you’re either not sure how to say, or you’re not sure if you should say it.” She gave him a look, which he returned.

  “So you still remember that, huh,” 

  “It’s been five months, Mr. Anderson, not five years.”

  Blaine rolled his eyes. “So if you remember that then why don’t you remember that I hate being called Mr. Anderson?”

  Mrs. Black shrugged innocently. “Just trying to loosen you up,” 

  “Yeah,” Blaine said with a little sigh, his face falling a little. “I could sure use some of that right about now,”

  “Why so?”

  “Well,” He scratched his hair. “I’ve spent the last… two or so months trying to loosen someone else up, and that has its way of doing the exact opposite to you, as I’m sure you’re aware.”

  Mrs. Black nodded. “I am.” she said. “And who is this person? Someone special?”

  Blaine hesitated. “Yeah, I guess you could say he –no, he is. He definitely is. He’s very special.”

  “Ohh, it’s a he,” she said, a glint in her green eyes. “That’s pleasant news. You tapping it yet?”

  Blaine snorted with a little laugh. This was one of the reasons why he liked the woman so much. “Yes –well, no, or –it depends on how you look at it, I guess.” 

  Elisabeth nodded with a little hum, then, she cleared her throat, as to tell herself to go back to be a little more professional. Blaine tried to do the same, though he wasn’t sure it worked, as there wasn’t really anything he had to be professional about.

  “We just got together,” he said. “and… there’s some struggle, from both sides.”

  “How come?”

  “Well, he’s been through a lot of stuff –like, a lot. Way more than me. And through that, he’s developed these... issues with letting himself… feel stuff, I guess.”

  “Sounds like a real wet dream for your average high school girl,” Mrs. Black said, not being able to stop herself. She knew Blaine didn’t mind her inputs that some people might regard as inappropriate or down-right wrong, so she didn’t hold all of them back. She had also, despite herself, taken a liking to the young man. She knew that that was something others might find strange, and very unprofessional, but Blaine seemed to think the same for her. 

  “Oh that he certainly isn’t.” Blaine said with a shake of his head, thinking of the terrified and disliking looks he received from nearly everyone at McKinley. “He makes sure that’s not the case.”

  Elisabeth nodded. “And what was it about him that made you take interest?”

  “We got into a fight on my first day.” he answered, remembering. It seemed so far away now, it was almost ridiculous. “And at first I just liked teasing him, because he seemed to despise me so much.” he admitted. “I guess it was when he let his walls slip by mistake and I got a glint of what was underneath the shell that I started to become interested. Only in a ‘maybe we could be friends’ sort of way at first, of course.

  “I have no idea when I started to like him in the sense that I wanted to… I don’t know, that I wanted him, I guess. And even after that I never thought that something would actually happen considering. But sometimes, I got the feeling that maybe I was wrong. I guess that’s what made me hang on, or whatever.”

  “And now you’re boyfriends?”

  “No,”

  “So –your relationship is… only sexual?”

  “There’s no relationship.” Blaine said simply. “We just are.”

  Mrs. Black nodded. “Is that what you want?”

  “Yeah,” he answered without hesitation. “I don’t know why, but somehow it feels like things would just get complicated if we put a label on what’s going on between us.”

  “Then that’s good, that you agree with each other.” Mrs. Black said. “But, I have to ask: what is it that’s on your mind about him? I mean, in the sense of talking to me about it.”

  “Well, ehm.” Blaine scratched his hair again. “He’s told me things. A lot of things. And it’s sort of… eating on me, because I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I have absolutely no plans of breaking that promise, but… I still have to tell someone, you know?”

  Mrs. Black nodded; this was a very common thing for her patients to do, telling her things they’d promised not to tell to anyone, but that they had troubles carrying on their own.

  “I’m not going to tell you everything.” Blaine admitted. “Because some things I feel would be… disrespectful to speak of, I guess, even to you.”

  “That’s totally understandable. Don’t tell me anything you don’t want to.”

  Blaine nodded. Now what? He had no idea how to actually get started. 

  “I’m worried about him,” Blaine said with a sigh then. He liked the sound of it even less when he said it out loud. 

  “How come?”

  “He’s, well… he’s suffering from depression, that’s for sure. He deals with pretty bad self harm tendencies, has even tried to kill himself –more than once.

  “His arms and thighs are covered in marks, and I don’t… I’m just afraid he’ll go too far, you know? He has tendencies of getting very drunk, and that’s often when it happens, as far as I’ve understood. He tells me that, that he hears voices. I’m not sure exactly what it means, if it’s actual voices, or if it’s just his depression getting to him.”

  “How often does he talk about these voices?”

  “Often… often when he’s drunk. Or when he’s having one of his… episodes, I guess.”

  “And what happens during these episodes?”

  “He… he remembers.”

  “Remembers what?”

  “Things he’s been through, in his younger childhood.”

  “Surpassing memories are never a good thing,” Mrs. Black said, nodding.

  “I know, I know,” Blaine started drawing random patterns on the black fabric of the armrest. He looked down at his moving hand as he searched for words to continue. “I can’t blame him, though. As I said, he’s been through a lot. I’m pretty sure I’d try to forget it as well if I was in his shoes.”

  “But you’re not.”

  “I’m not. But sometimes… sometimes I almost wish I was.”

  “Why?”

  Blaine sighed. “It kills me seeing him suffer.” he said quietly. “I can always see it. He’s always been this… open book, I guess you could say, to me. I’ve always been able to see the sad in his eyes that never quite goes away.”

  “‘We’re all searching for someone that plays well with our own demons.’” Mrs. Black said quietly, almost as to herself. Blaine looked up at her, brow furrowed. 

  “That’s deep,” he remarked with a quick half smile. “but it makes no sense.” 

  “Well, there’s a sad glint in your eyes that never quite goes away as well.” the therapist said, her face serious. 

  “Come again?” Blaine asked, doubting this.

  “Well, I think that you two might be more alike than you already know.”

  This time Blaine didn’t answer in words, just looked at her questioningly.

  “You’re both running away from painful memories.”

  Blaine shook his head. “No,” he said. “no, you’re wrong. I’m not running.”

  “Then tell me about your father leaving. Tell me what you felt, what you still feel.”

  He straightened up in his seat. “That’s not the point.” he said slowly. “And I don’t remember anyways. It’s been years since.”

  “See?” Elisabeth said gently. “You’re both running. Only, you deal with it in different ways. You still have your mother, and you spend your time thinking and worrying about her, and now, it seems, you’ve started to do the same with Kurt. You focus on them so that you won’t have the time to think about what’s really going on in your own head. The same, and this is even more understandable, with the beating last year. You try your best to forget it.”

  “That’s not true.” Blaine said plainly. “I could never forget about that, even it I’d want to.”

  “But you still try. Because what happened was that horrible, and it’s scarred you. It was unavoidable.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You’re here.” Mrs. Black said simply and Blaine let out a shaky breath.

  “I don’t want to be.” he said.

  “Who does?”

  Blaine nodded absentmindedly.  “You’ve got a point.”

  “What’re the dreams about this time?” Mrs. Black asked then to change the subject to the main reason why Blaine was now in front of her again, that same troubled look on his young face. 

  “It, uhm, I’m running again, and it’s the same gang again. Usually I can hear my mother’s voice. My ‘father’ isn’t there anymore at least. And neither is Dalton.”

  “So, it’s pretty different, but still the same.”

  Blaine nodded; before, when the dreams had started to haunt him again nearly a year back, he’d often be running through his school at the time, Dolton Academy, only it was a never ending maze of fancy crystal crowns and light brown wooden walls, with that strange shine, filled with artworks and windows you saw nothing but darkness through. Often his father would turn up in front of Blaine as he ran, telling him how it was his fault he’d left, that it was he who’d ruined his parents’ marriage, that he’d been a disappointment and not the son he’d wanted and so on. Sometimes his mother would appear as well, agreeing, sometimes throwing things in his way, making him stumble and fall, talking to him in that voice he hated so much. 

  “You want me to prescribe the sleeping pills for you again?”

  Blaine hesitated for a second, then shook his head. “No, not yet. I want to try not to go back to relying on pills.”

  Mrs. Black nodded. “Tell me if you change your mind.”

  After this, a silence fell in the room. Mrs. Black scribbled something down on her notepad, while Blaine tried to come up with something else to say; he was sure he was missing something.

  “Have you ever…” he said after a while. “Have you ever felt like… Have you ever been in a relationship with someone, where the person you’re with keeps changing all the time, and you  start to doubt yourself because you feel like you just stay the same? Like, you’re afraid that once they’ve changed enough, they’ll realize that they don’t want to be with you anymore, that they’re, I dunno, so different they’ve lost interest?”

  The woman in front of him eyed him for a moment. “No,” she said then. “I don’t think I have.”

  Blaine nodded numbly, his eyes focused at something far away.

  “But I take it you have?” she asked.

  “I’m not sure,” he said, the same faraway look on his face. “I mean, no, I haven’t been in that situation, but… but I’m starting to realize that it might be the situation I’m in right now.”

  “You’re afraid he’s going to leave you?”

  “Yeah,” Not until he’d said it out loud, he realized that it was true.

  “Why?”

  “Because,” He sighed deeply, finally coming back from that place so far off. “because Kurt’s changing. He’s been changing almost ever since I met him, but it’s starting to go faster and faster now. 

“And I mean, that’s good. That’s really good, because if he’d stayed the way he was back when I fist started to McKinley, this, whatever it is between us, would never actually have had the change to take off. So I’m happy that he’s changed.

“But… But, I mean, what if he changes too much?” Blaine almost didn’t go on, because as he started to put his thoughts into words, he started to feel incredibly embarrassed at how selfish he was sounding; yet that didn’t make the words any less true. 

  “What if, once he’s gotten free from that cocoon he’s created around himself, he’ll be this… stranger? Like, like…” His voice died out and he shook his head at how utterly rotten his words must’ve sound to the person listening.

  “You’re afraid he’ll leave you after all you’ve gone through for him.”

  “Yeah…” Blaine breathed, biting the inside of his lower lip.

  “That’s completely understandable.”

  “It is? I mean, like –it must be selfish as hell to think like that, isn’t it?”

  “No,” Mrs. Black assured. “It just proves how much he means to you.”

  Blaine almost blushed. almost.

  And he left out the part where he was fearing that what the changes in his and Kurt’s relationship had brought on the other boy would soon get too Blaine’s head and he would end up letting him down, even though he’d wordlessly promised him that he never would.

It was Saturday and Kurt’s first day at his new, and very first, job. He was nervous as hell, and it couldn’t be helped. He tried telling himself to man up and not be such a pussy, that this was something nearly everyone did at least once in their life, but it didn’t help one bit. 

Blaine was supposed to be there with him, to show him around and stuff. But then he’d told him that he had an appointment with this therapist, and whilst that had made Kurt a tiny bit irritated because now he’d have to spend like five hours with total strangers feeling uncomfortable in ridiculous clothes alone, it still felt good to know that the reason for this was something that might help Blaine. 

So, at 12a.m, Kurt stepped out in the little coffee shop in his ridiculous apron and why did he have to wear that stupid hat? Today, to his slight irritation, he’d gotten the ‘roll’ or whatever it was called to clean the tables after the costumers leave. This wasn’t exactly the best thing to do for his first day in Kurt’s mind. He’d never been to these kinds of places as a costumer before, he had no idea how they worked. And then there was the part where the people sitting at the small round tables felt the need to stare at him as he passed, eyeing his piercings and pink streaked hair. It made him both fear a little for his temper getting the best of him, and also made his ears redden. He hated the fact that his ears reddened. A couple of months ago he’d never get embarrassed like that. But still, a couple of moths ago he’d never be able to even imagine to be in the situation he was currently in.

Because, not only did he have a job (that involved having to wear an apron and a fugly hat) where you’d better act like you had an awesome time cleaning up after strangers or else, but he was also involved with Blaine. And it was more than physical, way more than just physical. That had never been something he’d thought would happen to him, and absolutely not with Blaine out of all people. But it’d happened, and now here he was.

  “Why’s my order taking so long?” said an irritated voice, seemingly turned towards Kurt. Kurt turned around quickly on the spot. “I mean, what’s so hard about making a coffee?”

  “If it’s so easy why don’t you just go home and make one yourself?” Kurt said, maybe a little more harshly that he should. He didn’t care though, just enjoyed the look on the man’s face as he turned around again and left. 

   Work at the Lima Bean was boring and slightly stressful, Kurt found out as he stepped out into the cold December air hours later, finally back in his own clothes. It was about four in the afternoon, and it was already pretty dark outside.

  “‘T’s really winter now, isn’t it?” said a male voice behind him and Kurt looked around. 

  “Who’re you?” he asked.

  “Oh, um, Jamey,” the man said, extending a hand for Kurt to shake. Kurt didn’t, of course, but he started to remember his face.

  “Right,” he said. “You work here too.”

  “So I do,” said Jamey and let his hand fall back awkwardly to hanging by his side.

  The two were left in a pretty awkward silence, before Jamey made an attempt at a new conversation. 

  “How come you started working here, then?” he asked.

  Kurt wasn’t even sure why he was still there, why he even bothered, but still answered. “Blaine,” he just said.

  “Right,” Jamey looked Kurt over again, and after a moment’s hesitation he asked, “So, you two together?”

  “No,” Kurt said. “Or, well, yes, we are. But no, no we’re not.”

  Jamey wrinkled his brow. “O–kay?”

  “Complicated.” Kurt explained. 

  “Right,” Jamey said slowly. “You another one of Blaine’s… buddies?” he asked, and the red on his ears was no longer only caused by the cold. The memory of Blaine and… Sebastian, if he remembered correctly, was still unpleasantly stuck in his head. 

  Kurt eyed him through slightly narrowed eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I, well, uh,” He cleared his throat awkwardly. Maybe he’d screw something up if he mentioned the Sebastian guy? Maybe that was a touchy subject or something –he didn’t want to step on a mine.

  “You mean Sebastian?” Kurt asked then.

  “Um, yeah, I think that was his name.” 

  Jamey’s embarrassment amused Kurt a little, but it still kind of bothered him that now he was thinking about Sebastian and Blaine together. Together in ways he didn’t like. 

  “No.” he said, trying to seem nonchalant. “I’m not another one of Blaine’s buddies.” And he walked off towards his car.  Once he was inside he wrinkled his eyebrows close together. There was a sort of burning and heavy feeling in his chest. He wasn’t completely sure exactly what the feeling was, nor what had caused it to appear, he knew, however, that he didn’t like it. It made him feel… like, like there… ugh. He didn’t know. He knew that it was another kind of burn that the kind he got whenever him and Blaine shared one of those weird eye-contact things, because that kind of burn felt kind of good. 

He was already having it up to his ears with trying his best to stay open and whatnot towards Blaine and everything going on between them. It was hard enough at it was; and now there had to be yet another feeling in his body he didn’t know how to put into words? Now there had to be yet another thing for him to fight with? Yet another thing inside him that made him want to crawl up in some corner and die just to get away from it?

Life was so uncool sometimes.

Suddenly, it was Monday again. Kurt was yet again in school, not really sure what had happened to the weekend. Saturday night he’d been to Scandals, but did barely get drunk at all and didn’t flirt with anyone. No one. He hadn’t felt like it. He hadn’t felt like going off with some stranger. He’d felt like this quite a lot of times since Quinn had left and all that happened, but that night had somehow been weirdly different. It wasn’t that the need to be physical or whatever with someone was gone, or that his lust was gone with the wind, it was just that he hadn’t wanted to be with a stranger. He wanted…

  ‘I don’t want some stranger. I want you.’ Blaine’s words had spun around in his head as he drove back home a couple of hours later, and he’d been weirded out by the fact that maybe now he… That maybe he didn’t want to be with strangers anymore because of what had started to develop between him and Blaine. It scared Kurt to think of this, so he’d pushed the thought away. Almost the whole of Sunday he'd spent battling with himself. His head was getting worse and worse as his trust and comforts around Blaine grew, and it had been growing faster and faster for the last week. He could almost never enjoy kissing Blaine without having to forcefully close off the part of him that wanted to go back to how he were before. ‘I don’t want to be that person anymore’ Kurt would keep repeating to himself, to which another part would answer that 'you have no choice, it's who you are and you would be dead without it'. He was feeling pathetic and angry almost all the time. And when Monday came, he wasn’t sure what to do, so he just let whatever happen; let that part that he tried to fight be in charge for a little while. He was too tired to fight, so he let himself rest for a couple of hours; he let himself run away from everything else. Maybe with the mask he put on, he almost went back to how he was before, but he was too tired to fight it. Fighting hurt. And he was growing pathetic, so he couldn’t handle the pain. 

   “So, hey, people, I was thinking,” Santana’s voice said and Kurt came back to reality where they sat in the cafeteria. “My folks are going away over Christmas this year and I’ve managed to peruse them to let me stay home, so…”

  The rest of the Skanks all lifted their heads and looked at her, interested as to where this seemed to be going.

  “Why don’t ya’ll come over and we can all do whatever we want with the place. The Lopez family has enough cash to repair any damage done under the influence of whatever.”

  They all agreed to come. The Skanks often spent the Christmas and New Year together, since most of them didn’t really have a family to celebrate it with. Brittany would sometimes be with her family during Christmas Eve; Santana avoided her parents and relatives as often as she could; Sheila hated her foster family (whichever one it might be); Ronnie had troubles at home that made it impossible for the family to celebrate anything whatsoever; Mackenzie’s parents were jewish; Kurt and Quinn were Kurt and Quinn, and Blaine… Blaine was new,

  “You coming too?” asked Santana when Blaine didn’t say anything.

  “I, um, I’m not sure.” He usually spent Christmas with his mother. Last year they’d even cooked together. Sometimes Mrs. Smythe would come over for a while (often bringing both mother and son a gift). He wasn’t completely sure what Marcie would feel about him spending Christmas with someone else, and, to be honest with himself, he wasn’t sure what he’d feel about it either.  

At the moment however, he had other things on his mind. Other things that troubled him a little: Kurt was acting weird. Or, more weird, since he was Kurt. What got to Blaine was the looks he received from the other teen, as well as the unspoken agreement not to touch or talk in ways that suggested on what had been happening between them the last week or so. It troubled Blaine quite a bit, because he had no idea where this was coming from, and he didn’t want to ask; didn’t want to look too clingy. If Kurt was acting weird, he’d let him act weird. He didn’t have to overthink and overanalyze everything all the time. It wasn’t like him anyway. 

  Once school was over for the day, however, Blaine had to ask Kurt what the heck he was doing. Kurt had just left class and walked straight towards the parking lot without as much as looking towards Blaine. It almost made him feel… irritated. He walked quickly after the think boy and just as they’d both come outside, Blaine called out.

  “Kurt,” he said, convinced it was loud enough for him to hear. Kurt ignored it however, just kept on walking, maybe even a bit quicker than before.

  “Kurt, stop,”  Blaine ran a few steps and grabbed Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt spun around.

  “Would you please let go of me?” he said, voice quiet but pouring with poison.

  “No.” Blaine said. “Not before you’ve told me what the fuck you’re doing.”

  “What I’m doing?”

  “Yes. You’ve acted strange all day, like you don’t know me or something, and it’s getting on my nerve.”

  Kurt laughed a hollow little laugh, then tiled his head back and looked up into the gray sky. “I’ve been acting strange, of course. That’s always it, isn’t it?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that we’re not fucking married.” Kurt snapped, their faces close. “It means that you don’t have to be so up in my face all the fucking time. I can barely breathe anymore because you’re always hanging around my throat like some kind of fucking snare!” Kurt couldn’t keep himself from raising his voice. One or two of the passing students looked around to see what all the noise was about, but turned their heads away the second they saw who the two of them were. Kurt bent out of the grip Blaine still had around his shoulder, not caring about the attention he’d drawn towards them.

  Blaine didn’t respond. He just let his arm fall to his side and took a little step backwards. Something swept across his eyes. He turned around and walked quickly towards his motorcycle, which stood fairly close by. He straddled it and drove off before Kurt had the chance to rect.

  Kurt knew he’d hurt him with his words. Kurt knew that maybe he’d stepped over the line a little. But he couldn’t help it. Because that black, heavy, feeling was eating on the inside of his chest and it was driving him crazy. And hiding behind that mask… he’d forgotten how comfortable it was.

Blaine drove quickly, not caring that he broke the speed limit. He needed to get home.

  His mother was asleep, as she often was nowadays, so Blaine didn’t have to calm her down or talk to her about anything. This came as a huge relief to Blaine, as he wanted few things more than to just… lie in his bed and do nothing. Kurt’s words echoed in his head. They made him feel both tiny and embarrassed, as well as… angry. More than a little angry. He’d put up with so much, and apparently he’d now taken as much as he could. He wasn’t some kind of rag doll– he got fed up too, he had feelings. Too many feelings.

  Blaine sighed and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes where he was now laying in his bed, facing the ceiling. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He felt… sad. He felt so sad, yet angry, and he felt so done with everything.

  He was done chasing after Kurt. He’d done all he could, and more. He didn’t have more energy to spare. He’d done his best, and now it was just up to Kurt to make up his mind. He was done trying to catch air with his bare hands. Especially now when that air seemed so much further away than it usually was.

   A couple of hours later, Blaine suddenly woke up. He hadn’t planned on going to sleep, it had just been one of those things that happens. He sat up on the bed with a little moan, rubbed his eyes and stretched. 

There was another series of knocks on the door and Blaine remember the reason why he’d woken up. Thinking that it was probably Mrs. Smythe just leaving the groceries for the week or something, Blaine went down and answered the door barefooted and still pretty sleepy. 

Needless to say, it wasn’t Mrs. Smythe by the door, but Kurt. 

  “Blaine –Please –” Kurt was too slow to stop Blaine from closing the door in his face. 

  “Go away,” Blaine said to the door. “Please, just get lost.”

  There was a couple of seconds silence. 

  “Can’t you just listen to what I have to say?” Kurt said through the door.

  “No.” Blaine swallowed, trying to stay calm. “No, I can’t.”

  “Are you –are you angry with me?”

  He couldn’t help but let out a little hollow chuckle. “What made you think that?”

  “I’m–” Kurt sighed, and when he spoke again it sounded as if he was resting his forehead to the door. “I’m sorry I jelled at you.”

  “That’s not–” Blaine shook his head, knowing full well that Kurt couldn’t see him. “You think that’s my problem right now? That you jelled at me?”

  Kurt didn’t respond. It almost made Blaine angry that he didn’t.

  “I’m not… I’m not mad at you. I’m just tired of not knowing what you feel. I thought that was supposed to change now, after what we agreed on. But it’s still the same.” 

  “I just –I’m sorry…”

  “Don’t be. It’s who you are. It’s my fault for thinking that you’d change for me.” 

  Blaine couldn’t be sure, but it sounded as if Kurt was choking, trying to keep his breath steady. Blaine forced himself to turn away from the door and walk back up the stairs, closing the door to his room forcefully behind him.

  Now he was one hundred percent sure. He couldn’t do this. It hadn’t been many days, he knew that, but he knew couldn’t keep doing this. Before had almost been better; before, when he was contempt just watching Kurt from a short distance, thinking that this was fine and it’ll never be anything else. Because now… Now, he knew what it felt like to be with Kurt, he knew what it felt like being in his arms; he knew how it felt to kiss his lips; he knew how his smiles could make his whole body warm with than new, wonderful feeling he didn’t really know yet. So being pushed away and taken back nearly everyday was too… maybe not painful, but too tiring, too confusing for him.

No, this was for the best. At least for a little while, until Kurt had worked out his damn feelings. 

Please Blaine… please, just let me in… I need you right now. Please just look at me. Please just hold me and tell me that it’s okay. Please. I need your help. I can’t figure this out on my own. 

  Kurt was fighting as hard as he could. It felt like fire in his body and it hurt, it hurt so bad and he wanted to run away. He wanted to hide like he always did before, like he had been earlier today. 

But he was fighting. Of some reason he’d started fighting again, almost the second he’d come home, and realized that there wasn’t an option in this. He couldn’t keep hiding, no matter how comfortable it might be. No. There was no easy way out, but that was how things worked.

  He was fighting for Blaine, again and this time with desperate, not-as-strong-as-he’d-wanted-it- to-be, determination, for what they were able to have when he didn’t get in the way of himself. 

  He was fighting for the only good thing in his life and now that good thing was running too. 

  This was all his fault. He’d ruined Blaine too now. Just like his dream had told him. He should’ve listened. He shouldn’t have thought he could be strong enough to do this.

Because, who was he kidding– He was a ruin of flesh and blood, still walking the earth even though he was already dead. Still fighting long after he’d already lost. He was still fighting because Blaine had shown him something more.

  “You were supposed to fight along side me, you son of a bitch,” he cursed, hitting his forehead against the front door of Blaine’s house. 

  He should’ve seen this coming. He should’ve known Blaine would get sick of him an leave. But never had he thought it’d happen this soon. Their time had barely started. 

  He didn’t even tell me why he’s doing this. He thought, turning around to rest his back against the wood. After a minute or so he slid down to the ground. 

  He should get going. 

  He should get into his car and go home. 

  Only he hadn’t got a home. That place he was living in… it was driving him insane. He couldn’t be there. 

  But what was he supposed to do? Break into Blaine’s house and force him to… he didn’t even know what he was going to force him to do. And anyway, he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to risk upsetting Blaine any more. 

  Soon it was dark outside, and Kurt was freezing into the bone. He was too cold to get up, had decided that he’d slept in worse places. But suddenly there was a woman walking towards him, carrying two heavy looking paper bags. Kurt tensed as he saw that she’d spotted him.

  “Hello dear,” said the woman politely, but he could see the look in her eyes. “are you lost?”

  “N –I just –” It was harder than he’d thought to stand up again. His body was aching and frozen. “Don’t tou–I’m just gonna go,” 

  Kurt hurried down the street towards his pick-up, his steps awkward and tense, feeling the woman’s gaze on his back. Once he was inside his car, he thought that he was safe, until he started it and Blaine’s CD came on. He’d forgotten it in the player thing all that time ago, and Kurt had listened to it almost every time he drove after that. It was there and it wasn’t bad music.

  Only this time, it was the wrong track coming on. It was wrong and he should turn it off, but Kurt found himself just driving, listening to the lyrics as he focused on keeping his breathing controlled and calm. 

  Never wanted to feel
Never wanted you to steal my heart
Never wanted you to know
Never wanted to show I'm weak

I'm falling all over myself
Trying to be someone else
I wish you would dare to walk me home
So I wouldn't have to feel alone

Always wanted to be
Always wanted you to see my heart
Always wanted your love
Always wanted but never was

I’m falling all over myself
Trying to be someone else
I wish you would dare to walk me home
So I wouldn't have to feel alone

  Kurt didn’t realize he was singing along quietly. He’d heard every track so many times he knew them all almost by heart. Only he’d never realized just what this song was, what it was saying.

  I'm falling all over myself
Dying to be someone else
I wish you would dare to walk me home
I don't wanna fight the world alone

Never told you before
Never loved you more

I'm falling all over myself
Trying to be someone else
I wish you would dare to walk me home
So I wouldn't have to feel alone

I'm falling all over myself
Dying to be someone else
I wish you would dare to walk me home
I don't wanna fight this world alone
I don't wanna fight this world alone
I don't wanna fight this world alone

Kurt didn’t get home that night. He couldn’t reach that far. His vision was too blurred and his chest was aching too bad to keep driving.

  All alone