They don’t notice, they never notice, at least, that’s what I thought…
How wrong was I.
Wes and David, my two best friends, I should have seen this coming, they wasn’t that ignorant.
They noticed.
They don’t know the full truth- no one knows that, but they knew enough, they could see how the fire is gone in my eyes ever since the thing we used to call 'the Gap attack'.
At some point I understood they know, they tried to question me about it sometimes, asking how I feel, why am I giving away all my solo's to Jeff and nick (who weren’t complaining)…
I guess it was kinda easy to understand something wrong, but I wasn’t worried, I didn’t think they would do anything about it.
But they did- they did the worst thing they could ever do, those idiots.
They told my parents.
My idiotic friends told my parents!
And of course, the parade had begun.
My mother- who is a psychologist- started thinking I have clinical depression, my father- who hates me- stated its only because I think I'm gay, my mother shouted at him that maybe it's because I don’t get enough attention and love at home… It went on like that.
Now I'm waiting for a psychiatrist, since my mother knows me, I'm not allowed to be one of her patients, so she sent me to the best, without my father knowing…
She told him I started a fight club.
Yeah, right…
"Blaine Anderson?" the woman's voice disrupts my day-dreams about my stupid friends, all I have to do is play a dumb teenager who only cares about his x-box and… what is this game called? Call of cootie?
I don’t think that is…
Let's see- the initials are also a fish- I remember that.
Salmon?
No, I don’t think that is it…
Tuna?
Hmmm…. Never mind, I'll pretend to be obsessed with assassin creed, I remember that game because Jeff loved it so much.
"hello Blaine" she said, I tried my best to look bored as I murmured something that could be taken as "hi" or as "whatever"- she can choose whatever.
"can you tell me a bit about yourself?" she asked, I looked around, trying to avoid her eyes it felt like she was looking in my room, her room was very round, and in very soft colors.
"I go to school at Dalton, I am a good student and I spend all my free time with my warbler friends or playing assassins creed" I said, most of it was true, so I felt like it’s a white lie- I don’t need help.
"Your mother told me you were gay" she said, smiling softly, she truly thought that’s the origin to my problems, she didn’t know anything about me.
"Yeah, so?" I said, ignoring the fact that she hit a soft spot.
"So, tell me about those warblers" she quickly changed the topic.
"we are the choir in my school, we are kinda like rock stars, its great, I'm the lead singer, they are my friends" he said quickly, trying to finish the subject, he didn’t want to talk about the warblers, if he let anything about 'the Gap attack' slip...
"You are the lead singer, that’s great" she smiled at me.
"Yeah, it’s a lot of fun" I lied, it used to be a lot of fun, but nothing seems fun anymore…
She continued blubbering for an hour, when it was finally over, I went home and ran to the bathroom, mumbling something about shower to my mother, I couldn’t wait, I locked the door and took the knife I was now always carrying my pocket.
The drawings went closer to my shoulder now, but I wasn’t worried, I always had the other hand, the pain came immediately, and with it- the fire, I felt it burning, such a sweet burn.
I watched the blood drop with fascination- I used to think blood was disgusting, but now I know, blood is the source of our lives.
Sometimes I think I drew too strong, that the blood is going to continue dripping until there is none left in my body, and then I will be left on the floor, with no one knowing- but I'm not scared, I believe death is a relief of life's misery, I'm just not ready to die, not just yet
Suddenly, I start humming a tune, it was my favorite in the month after 'the Gap attack', but now it had a whole different meaning, I sang it to myself- knowing no one will hear.
They are all down stairs.

Dear angel of mine,
Where do I start to express how I feel?
I think about Jeremiah, he was so amazing.
Well, my love's gone blind
Now all that I feel is what I hear
Your words rip and tear, and
Through my heart so weak and pure
Now I find myself wanting to die
I know one day I'll find the courage to go all the way and finally ending this misery, but dor now, something is stopping me.
I bleed for the second time tonight
Holding the love that's in my mind
If only my love could be with you
If only this pain, this pain died too
So I break you away, away, away from me
So I break you away, away, away from me
I don’t need Jeremiah, I have anymore, I'm fine without him, I don’t need him, I don’t need him.
Damn, if I'm not buying what I'm telling myself, who will?
As I sit here alone
Thinking about everything that you said
You know since I'm alone
Well, maybe after all, I was better off dead
Cause without you my life's gone down
What do I do, when I find myself wanting to die?
The blood still drips on the floor, it's fascinating, really, watching the drops of scarlet, feeling the burn, feeling the fire.
I bleed for the second time tonight
Holding the love that's in my mind
If only my love could be with you
If only this pain, this pain died too
When I draw, I feel complete, I see that I'm still human, even if I don’t feel like one, when I see my blood, it shows me that maybe I'm worth living, after all, the blood still runs in my veins, its still as read as any other human is.
I bleed for the second time tonight
Holding the love that's in my mind
If only my love could be with you
If only this pain, this pain died too

I break you away

This freak I became
My enemy
This freak I became
My enemy
From my angel to my enemy
I used to think I was a good person, that everyone was worth leaving, I don’t believe I am worth to this world anymore, if I die, who will care? Sure, id like to think my mother and friends would be sad for a while, but eventually no one will care, I'll be just another name on a gravestone.
And I don't know

Yeah

I bleed for the second time tonight
Holding the love that's in my mind
If only my love could be with you
If only this pain, this pain died too

I bleed for the second time tonight
Holding the love that's in my mind
If only my love could be with you
If only this pain, this pain died too

I'll break you away

So break you away

So break you away, away, away from me
So break you away, away, away from me
And I don't know

Sincerely Yours
I wrap up the song quickly, its exactly my feelings right now.
This song feels like it was written about me.
I clean my newly made drawings- I don’t want them to get infected, my mother might notice.
I look in the mirror, I look more alive than I have been in month, it makes me feel good, even though I can always feel the hole throbbing in my chest, but it doesn’t matter.
I feel complete, well more complete than I ever felt before.
Singing and drawing, my two passions.
It what keeps me alive.
'But not for long' said a little voice in my head, I ignore it as I leave the bathroom, never even remembering my shirt, that was left on the floor.
(side note- no this is not turning into a song-fic, this is just a song that I think describes perfectly what Blaine thinks)