Applause is such a ridiculous concept. Its like your own tiny wave of acceptance, which really has nothing to do with being accepted and everything to do with you belting out the crowds favourite tune at the right time. It doesnt mean they know you, or accept your lifestyle choices, or think youre a nice person, and yet they still cheer for you when they feel its appropriate to do so. The ridiculous part is the pride you feel when you hear it, like its redeeming every bad thing you thought about yourself for that short moment in time. Then the hard part comes. The applause finishes and you have to try and chase that high feeling it brings, you have to be responsible for creating your own pride. Thats when I start to struggle. Dont get me wrong I love my life! I have an amazing fiancé, a bitchy side-kick best friend and a family who supports me, but sometimes its just not enough to keep those dark thoughts away. The ones that dangle you perilously over the cliff that plummets you back to rock bottom, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. These were the thoughts running through my head as I wondered home on my own in the middle of New York.

It had all started simple enough. Kurt had been away for a few nights with work and I was finishing up a good set before packing up to head home and wait for him. The excitement pulsing through me as I walked out from back stage after my performance and into the busy bar that is Cat Calls on a Saturday night.

"Bee-Bee! You were amazing!" Kylie screams across the bar as I take my bottled water from her with a smile. "A guy even asked about you! Dont look at me like that...... I told him you were definitely taken, but he says he just wants to talk about your set!" She beams, holding her hand up to a customer who was trying to shout his drink order at her.

"Where is he? Ill say a quick hi then Im going home! Its been a long week!" I scream to be heard as the guy now decides to continue yelling his order at her, completely ignoring the fact that our conversation is taking place.

"Hes over there....." she waves her hand at the booth in the corner. "Be nice! You might be sex deprived not having Kurt at home the last few days but you dont have to get all grumpy with your fans!" She blows me a kiss before turning her full attention to the crowd beside me.

"Call me tomorrow Kyles!" I stick my tongue out at her cheekily as she shouted about my mouth being otherwise occupied and squeeze through the crowd to arrive at the booth where I am met by a tuft of blonde hair over the top of the chair. I clear my throat to get his attention before moving round to the other side. "Hi, Im Blaine!" I thrust my hand out for him to shake, but it drops limply against my side as his face looks up to mine.

"What, no hug?" He sneers in a smarmy fashion.

"Bye!" I hiss and turn to flee out the front door before I can hear his response, but before I make it to the end of the street his hand pulls me to a stop. I try to fight against it but I feel my body being thrust back around to face him.

"That reaction would make people think youre not happy to see me..." He grins evilly at me, knowing full well I wasnt pleased to see him at all.

"What are you doing here Sebastian?" I frown at him, pulling my arm harshly from his grip.

"Now honey! Is that any way to speak to your first?"

"You dont really deserve the dapper gentleman, do you? Why are you here?" I glare at him and take a moment to really look at him. These last few years have been kind to him considering the habits I have heard he still has, but his cheek bones stick out more than I remember and his eyes seem heavy and lifeless.

"Babe that was a long time ago! I was in the city and bumped into a friend who said I had to check out the cutest bar singer ever, and surprise-surprise they were talking about you....Who would have thought youd be slumming it in a dingy bar out in Bushwick?" His grin stays fixed in place.

"Its making music and paying the bills! Im still doing what I love, its just in a more secure setting, like a grown up does.....I wouldnt call it slumming!" I say evenly, biting the inside of my mouth to keep me quiet; I didnt need him to know he was annoying me. That would be a win for him, and I felt I finally deserved to win this argument.

"The Blaine I remember wanted to be a huge star!"

"Well things change, the touring got boring and I have someone to stay in New York for."

"Oh yeah! The girl behind the bar tried to warn me off from hitting on you, said you were......with your soul mate." He scoffed putting air quotes around the last part with his fingers.

"Kurt and I are very happy for your information..." I spit out harshly, crossing my arms across my chest as his eyebrows shoot up on his forehead.

"You shacked up with Kurt Hummel?" He whispers in a disgusted tone, the grin turning into a sneer.

"No I live with him, weve been together for over two years....He is my soul mate!"

"Youve been whipped by him? Of all people! Do you not see how predictable that is? Best friends turned lovers......" He looks at me expectantly but when I didnt answer he continued anyway. "Its like some bad TV show car crash waiting to happen!"

"No Im in a loving, equal relationship! Something I didnt get to truly experience before due to my coke head, cheating scumbag of a boyfriend!" I try my best not to yell as party goers are weaving around us on the street. "We are perfect together, Im just mad we wasted so many years not being together!"

"I always knew he had a thing for you! He never liked me!"

"Well the fact he never trusted you sure showed what a good judge of character he is after everything that happened between us! At least we are completely honest with each other now!" I blink furiously, trying to stop the tears from coming; he isnt worth them not any more.

"Honest? Come on Blaine you know how this is going to go, youre a singer in a dive bar four nights a week and Kurt is on magazines claiming he is the next big thing...hes just biding his time like I was!" He spat at me, but the manic grin had come back.

"No you got yourself a little habit, you hit self-destruct and thats what destroyed us Sebastian!" I yell this time and draw a few curious glances as people walked passed us.

"And this time round its you that has the filthy habit.....Really Blaine how long do you think it will be before Kurt realises what everyone else has before?" Sebastian laughs at me and I feel my inner confidence getting weaker by the second.

"Thats totally different! I went to rehab! I got better!"

"Once an addict always an addict.....Kurts going to wake up one day and realise what a mistake he made having anything to do with a low life like you, youre worthless Blaine. I saw it the first night we met! Kurt was the hotter one of you both but I knew Id never be good enough, so I settled for you! How long do you think it will be before another hot guy comes along and that pampered prince realises he has settled for a good for nothing alcoholic and cuts you out of his life?" Sebastian has gotten very close to me during his speech and I can smell the vodka hit me square in the face, sending me reeling, as his breath tickles my skin.

"Thats not true! He loves me, were engaged!" I bite back, but I can feel my walls closing in as tears start dripping down my face.

"So he proposed to you then?" He pulls back to take in my stunned expression before grinning from ear to ear. "I didnt think so. Enjoy the time you have left before he throws you out along with all the other has-beens! Hes on his way up and you would be an idiot to think you can just trail along for the ride. Just dont come crying to me when it all blows up in your face!" I cant retort as he takes off down the street and out of sight and my instincts take over. My feet start to walk on their own and there is no applause to drown out my thoughts, only the silence enveloping me into the dark. I need something to numb this feeling. Anything.

****************

I hate traveling! Okay, so I dont hate traveling, I just hate it when it means I have to leave Blaine for five days in a row. The fashion shows in LA had been amazing and it meant I got some time with Finn, Rachel, Cooper and the twins, but the eight hour flight delay in an overcrowded, sweaty airport had me ready to all but dive into Blaines arms as I reached our front door.

"Honey Im hoooooome!" I shout dramatically as I drag my two bags through the door behind me (It was fashion season! I had to prepare for all kinds of situations!). But no witty comeback followed; neither did Blaine appear in front of me to help with my luggage as he always does. I decided to leave them abandoned in the hallway and go in search of my fiancé. "Blaine Devon Anderson! You better have a good reason to not be kissing me already...." I giggle out into the silence of the room. Thats when I hear mumbling coming out from the couch, when I move into view he looks up with huge eyes and a goofy smile comes across his face.

"Kuuuurrrrt!" He drawls out. "Youre home! Come have a talk with me and José!" He waves his arms around and an almost empty bottle of amber liquid comes into my eye line. My heart drops to somewhere around my feet and I just stand there for a few seconds looking at Blaine dumbfounded. His pupils are dilated and the white of his eyes red and blood shot, his skin is red and faint blotches are still visible on his cheeks, almost like hes been crying. He is in the same clothes that he had on yesterday in the picture he had sent me. What the hell have I missed? And why the hell didnt he phone me?

"Blaine are you drunk?" I ask unsure, maybe he didnt drink it willingly, maybe someone forced him with a gun to his head.

"Shhhhh, you cant tell my boyfriend!" He whispers, leaning closer to me as I sit beside him and move whats left of the tequila out of reach.

"Blaine? I need you to tell me truthfully....Is this all youve had to drink?" If its one bottle I can fix it, if he has been drinking in secret for longer I have no chance to fix it. It doesnt help the rage I can feel burning inside at the fact that he would rather find his answers at the bottom of the bottle instead of calling me.

"Nooooo! The captain ran out, hes my best friend!" Blaine looked serious for a minute. "Youre pretty! Do you know Im a coaster?"

"Blaine focus!" I snap, trying to not lose my temper. Where the fuck was Santana this whole time anyway? "Did you only drink today?" I clasp his head between my hands so he cant look away.

"It was Dark when I started! Then the light came on, Sebastian made me...." He mumbled, letting his eyes droop low but I wiggled him to keep him focused no matter how annoyed I was at hearing that name.

"Blaine? Did you see him?" I ask even more afraid of the answer now than I would have been a few minutes ago.

"He was at the bar....He didnt say nice things." Blaines eyes were rolling again, but I wasnt letting this go. I need answers.

"BLAINE! Why was Sebastian at your work?" I ask more forcefully, but Blaine doesnt seem to notice or care at this point. I can feel the tears forming in my eyes already.

"To see my show! Youre crying?" He put a finger out to try and catch a tear as it came rolling down my cheek.

"It doesnt matter...lie down and go to sleep okay?" I sniff, trying not to show the hurt on my face. Blaine is unaware to any of it as he face plants onto the couch and starts to snore instantaneously.

My happy little bubble had been well and truly burst and I knew there would be no coherent answers until Blaine sobered up. I went through to the kitchen and emptied the contents of the bottle, or what was left of it anyway and forced my tears to stay in. This wasnt the time for me to break, not when Blaine clearly had issues he was struggling with. Taking in a deep breath I picked up my phone to dial one of the only people that would understand what I was going through. Someone that had been there first time around.

"Scarecrow! Missing me already? I would have thought Blaine was keeping you too busy for that! But never fear my flight to New York is just about to board!" Coopers witty voice comes down from the other end of the line.

"Cooper I need you to come to the apartment before you do anything else....." I whisper, hoping he wouldnt hear the panic in my voice before getting on his flight. Lucky for me he was coming up on a later flight than I had been on to stay for a few days for auditions. Well, not lucky, but definitely not bad.

"Whats wrong?" Oh shit. I cant lie. I need to tell him but maybe I could down play it until he gets here and I can help him through the worry.

"Well I dont want you to panic or anything...."

"Kurt whats wrong? Did he do something? Because I swear to god I will kick his ass so hard-"

"COOPER! I dont want you to freak out! Because if you freak out then I freak out, but I think you need to cancel your auditions....Blaine...he...hes had a drink..." I mumble out, not really knowing how else to tell him except state the obvious.

"WHAT!!!" I have to move the phone away as he screams.

"Cooper please! Please dont freak out about this....I need you to stay calm. I need you to help me figure out why!" I feel the tears coming and I cant stop it this time. "Please tell me what to do!"

"Kurt where is he now?"

"I let him fall asleep on the couch....." I look back out the door to check hes still there. "Hes drunk a lot of tequila and I couldnt understand what he was saying, but he mentioned Sebastian and - I dont know what to do, tell me what to do?!" Im sobbing hysterically now and cant seem to stop. It feels like an eternity before Cooper speaks up again.

"Okay.....My flights boarding Kurt! Ill be there in just over six hours. Let him sleep, get rid of the rest of the bottle and stay put okay? Im going to get Dale to come over and sit with you till I get there, wheres Santana?" He asks softly, he sounds sure of his plan even if he isnt.

"She must be at the studio or something....It doesnt look like shes been home! If my flight hadnt been delayed I would have got here through the night...."

"Dont blame yourself Kurt! Ill be there soon okay? Dales coming now! I love you little bro....I promise I will fix this!" He says as I hear air hostesses in the background calling him forward. "Maybe get him into the bedroom and lock the door? Keep him in one space till I get there...Kurt I gotta go!"

"Okay, just get here quick. Love you too!" I rush out and then drop to the floor and draw my knees up in front of my chest to let the sobs escape my body before collecting myself enough to wrangle Blaine into the bedroom.

*****************************

I dont know how long I had been sitting in wait of Dale arriving or Santana appearing home as she still hadnt text. I was vaguely aware of the front door opening and closing again as I sat with my head buried into my knees, then there was echoing footsteps and someone shouting my name, but I stayed put. The minute they found me was the minute this all became real and I wasnt quite ready for that. Then the door squeaked open and I heard the footsteps slip on to the tiled floor.

"I should have known youd be in here...." His voice came out gently, almost as if he was trying to calm a rabid dog. I suppose in my predicament I didnt look much better. "You havent done this in a long time..."

"I havent had much cause for it recently, have I?" I bite back, more angry at myself then Dale.

"I suppose not....."

"Did you see him?" I ask, hating the quiver that my voice gave out.

"Hes still out cold in the bedroom....I put a glass of water beside him..."

"Okay...thanks" I mumble out from under my arms.

"Kurt do you want to get out of the shower?" Dale asks kindly, bringing a warm towel into my vision but I shake my head fiercely. "Can I turn the water off? Youre going to ruin your Prada boots...." I shake my head and he sits down at the edge of the tub.

"Do you know why I always choose to sit in the shower when I feel sad?" I ask, not looking at him but focusing on the patch of limescale on one of the tiles. I really need to clean that better.

"Because you say it always reminded you of your mom and the rain?" He asks hopefully.

"Because whenever I was upset....my mom always used to say the rain could wash it all away...and if it was gone it couldnt hurt me any more...but...the rain isnt helping me just now..." I crack a little and feel his arm reach in behind me to switch the faucet off.

"Kurt? I want you to get out of the tub okay? I got you clean sweats and we are going to sit in the living room to talk about this okay?" He asks, helping me out and peeling my shirt off of my skin as carefully as he can.

Once we were seated on the couch he sits patiently as I collect my thoughts, trying to figure out what I want to say when all I keep thinking is this cant be happening to us!

"Do you believe in Karma?" I ask out of the blue and Dale tries his hardest not to let his confusion show.

"I think there is something greater than us all...planning out our lives. I just dont know if I buy in to all that karma talk..."

"Because I believed in it when I was younger....but then I realised....That there are some people in this world that do truly horrific and unjust things and they seem to avoid any punishment. Then there are people like Blaine...who would never intentionally hurt anybody and he gets stuck with this...this disease! How is that fair?" I ask flatly, knowing nobody can answer the age old question of the cruel, hard world.

"Kurt I know this is a lot to handle but you have to try and be strong for him, we need to find out what caused him to go back to that type of coping....did he call you or text you last night?" he holds my hand tightly as if he was keeping me grounded.

"Just a picture of his outfit for work, he was excited about some new songs he was trying....I text him saying the flight was delayed but he never responded..."

"Okay so....he went to work and played his set. Did he say anything to you when you got back?"

"It was all kind of random...he did say Sebastian made him...but I know he wouldnt bow down to peer pressure! The drink never bothers him while we are at parties or anything..." I babble more to reassure myself than anything else.

"Sebastian? He saw him? Have they been in contact before?" Dale asks in surprise, after all the last time we all saw him was high school.

"I dont think so! I- I looked through his phone..." I admit in embarrassment. "There wasnt a number or any text from him, I think he must have been at the bar....I dont know for sure."

"Okay....so he could have said something to him? Made him upset?" Dale asks in a calm voice and I wonder if the roles were reversed, could I be that calm?

"Why didnt he phone me though?" I sob. "We are getting married! No secrets! I just - What if hes done this before tonight? I remember how bad it got the last time before he cut us off.....What if it happens again?" Dale pulls me in to a tight hug and squeezes me close to him, my sobs getting louder.

"Kurt! What the hell is going on?" Santana screeches from the doorway and I pull away from Dale long enough to take in her worried face.

"Where the fuck have you been?!" I screech at her. "Why didnt you come home last night? Blaine has been getting shit faced since God knows when and you werent here!" I spit at her as she comes to sit on the coffee table in front of me, tears still streaming down my face.

"I was at a friends house! I wanted to give you the apartment to yourselves...I -I thought you were home..."She trails off timidly, playing with her keys in front of her.

"I text you saying my flight got delayed! Cooper tried to phone you and so have I...Why didnt you answer? You could have been here. You could have stopped this-"

"Kurt its not her fault..." Dale slips in softly beside me, trying desperately to calm me down.

"My battery died! I literally ran here when I saw the messages. I couldnt have stopped this from happening Kurt! Just like you couldnt have either! Its not like there is a phone app for when your boyfriend buys booze!" She argues back, but I notice her eyes are red. Shes been crying.

"Santana I dont think thats going to help either...."

"No Dale! Shes right I suppose, Im just mad that we couldnt have done anything to stop this. He should have called one of us, or his sponsor or something!" I sigh in defeat and resume playing with my hands. "Dale you can go home....See Jake and the kids..."

"Not a chance in hell! They might be my family...... But so are you!" He squeezes my shoulder.

"Weird family that have seen each other naked...." Santana mumbles, she starts opening drawers and looking inside for something.

"What are you doing Tan?" Dale asks and it draws my attention to her.

"Im looking for his stash!" She yells from under the TV unit in the corner. "Cooper text me saying I had to look around and make sure there was nothing hidden..."

"Why didnt he tell me that?" I ask, hurt that Cooper didnt trust me enough to do that.

"He didnt want to upset you more than he needed to. I take it you locked him in the bedroom?" She asks as she starts searching through the bookshelf. "That was so he couldnt get to any drink you hadnt found!" What? I was holding him hostage so he couldnt get more drink? He wouldnt do that!

"He wouldnt do that Santana!" I say half resigning from the argument before it even starts.

"You wouldnt know if he had though, would you?" She stops to look at me with one of her I know best looks.

"Of course I would. Hes my fiancé...we tell each other everything."

"Oh! So you know why hes currently passed out after having a party all to himself do you?" She continues looking out onto to the fire escape and under lampshades.

"Santana!" Dale hisses angrily before getting up to go check on Blaine in my room.

"What? Its true and you know it! Addicts are good at hiding things..."

"Hey, thats our best friend youre talking about!" I scream at the top of my lungs. She stops then, sensing the mental daggers Im aiming at her back and comes to sit beside me on the couch.

"Listen to me, Im not trying to be a bitch Kurt....but you have to stop thinking about this being Blaine and realise hes an alcoholic....he could have been doing this for a longer time without us realising." She says softly and hands me a tissue to wipe my tears.

"Okay. Its just hard to think about him lying about this for a long time." I sniffle as Dale comes back into the room grimacing. "Whats wrong?"

Erm...Hes been sick on the bed sheets...." Dale says, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Great...." Is all I manage to say while I brace myself for the mess of a room Im walking into.

****************************

"Kurt?" I mumble quietly from the pillow Im face planted in, my head feeling like its about to break out my skull.

"Easy lover boy....its me." Thats not Kurts voice...How did I get into bed? How did I get my pyjamas on? Where was Kurt?

"What are you doing here Coop?" I ask gently, manoeuvring myself up onto my back and sliding into a sitting position. Cooper is sitting very close to me, almost too close for comfort and eyeing me warily.

"Take these...." He thrusts two pain killers at me and hands me a glass of water to swallow it down. "You look like shit Squirt!"

"Please dont shout at me Coop! My head is killing me...." I moan and have to clutch my head in my hands when it jiggles about. "Did you change me out of my clothes?"

"That would be Kurt...after your friends José and the captain reappeared on the bed sheets...." Oh now I remember, Sebastian, I got drunk and I think Kurt came home....Santana maybe hit me? "What the fuck were you thinking? Its been four years....Why now? When you have plenty of people who love you around?"

"I wasnt thinking-"

"Damn right you werent thinking! I had to get Dale to physically restrain Santana from impaling you with a sharp object...Kurts freaking out and I want to know why you thought drowning your sorrows into a bottle would do any good to solve any problem you were having?!" He hisses out and I can tell if we were completely alone I would be getting screamed at.

"I just needed to forget for a little while....I didnt mean to get so bad." I mumble under my breath.

"Forget?!" He shouts this time and I recoil from the noise, wincing at the shooting pain in my temples. "Forget what exactly? That you have a drop dead gorgeous fiancé? A family? Best friends? Gorgeous niece and nephews? Me? What exactly was so horrible that you had to turn to drink?"

"Sebastian was at the pub last night......He got told to check out the singer there which was me and he- he was just saying a lot of stuff that was hard to hear...." I trail off, feeling my eyes start to water but Cooper just stares at me, willing me to continue. "He said that I was worthless, slumming it in a dive bar and wasting my time because Kurt would realise soon enough what a waste of space I was and leave me....I couldnt phone and tell any of you that... it makes me sound pathetic!" I whimper and Cooper hugs me close.

"Bro! Why would you listen to him?! He is not worth your time! And like he can talk? Hes the biggest waster to ever leave Ohio-"

"But Im a waster too Coop! I might not do drugs or anything but - Im an alcoholic....a waste of space....Look at what I did last night! Im just as bad as he is...Kurt doesnt deserve someone like me....I think I should maybe go home for a little while-"

"Over my fucking dead body you will!" Santana screeches from the doorway before running in to sit on the bed. "You are not running away like you did in high school! Kurt loves you, and I dont care how much I love you....if you walk out that door? Ill change the locks! And I will make it my mission in life to end you. Youre engaged Blaine! This is your home! With him!" She screams at me, jabbing me with a finger as Cooper tries to hold her in place.

"Santana calm down, getting angry isnt going to help anyone!" Cooper says, pinning her to his chest.

"Well someone needs to! Everyone is scared to upset him....What about the fact that Kurt is devastated?" She looks at him imploringly before throwing a glance back at me. "Hes been in the fucking shower because of you....God knows how long he would have sat there if Dale hadnt come round. All because you were too chicken shit to tell people something was wrong and took the cowards way out!" She spat at me and then took a huge breath like she was going to go again but then a very timid voice came from the door instead.

"What happened to not going in until Cooper came out?" Kurt stood arms folded across his body and looking like he didnt really know what to do. I swallowed nervously, this was it. The moment I was dreading.

"Kurt, can we talk?" I ask quietly and Cooper and Santana whip round to face him as well.

"Like alone?" I ask with every part of my body, dreading that maybe he doesnt want to talk to me again, ever! He nodded his response, it was subdued but it was there and Cooper and Santana took it as their cue to leave, hugging Kurt as they walked past him. Much to my horror Kurt didnt immediately come and sit down. He padded awkwardly along the edge of the bed for a couple of minutes before sitting as close to the edge as he could without falling off.

"So....what do you want to talk about?" His sullen voice creeps out into the room.

"Im so sorry Kurt, I never meant for any of this to happen!" I sob brokenly, "I just, I wanted to forget the things I was feeling for a while...I needed to escape..."

"Thats what I find hard to believe....." Kurt sighs, looking at me with so much hurt in his eyes. "You say you didnt mean for this to happen, but you went and bought the alcohol Blaine....You knew what you were going to do. And instead of phoning me to explain what happened to you, you decided to get wasted?"

"Kurt it was just...... Sebastian said all of this stuff about me being worthless, slumming it, and not reaching my goals.... He said that you would realise what a mistake you had made and leave me....I just- hearing that from him - that he was going to go for you in high school but knew I was the easier choice. He said he got bored with me and thats why everything happened like it did....I felt dirty, tainted, like a waste of space addict....Im not good enough for you..." I sob openly, wiping harshly at my runny nose.

"Blaine...." Kurt sighs, watching me through hurt eyes. "I just dont know what you want me to do? How can I prove you can trust me, trust that Im not going anywhere? Do I need to make love to you more often? Be at home whenever you are? Drop everything when you call? Cook you more home cooked dinners? What do I need to do to make you feel loved?"

"I do trust you, I do! Its just I have all these insecurities fighting to get out all the time and I let him get to me...." I sigh, trying not to watch his bottom lip quiver, knowing its my fault hes like this.

"Do you not want to get married? I mean, I said yes, doesnt that show you I dont want anyone else? I have done nothing but love you since we were eighteen! Is it not enough for you? Just tell me what you want? Because Im being honest Blaine....youve lost a lot of my trust tonight, I thought we were past keeping secrets....I thought you realised I was in this for the long run, but if you dont know by now what kind of person I am.... I dont know how much longer I can keep doing this Blaine..." Kurt stops as his face contorts in anger.

"I do Kurt! I really do.....please dont leave me, I will do anything to prove to you I wont hide secrets or do this again, just tell me what I need to do to regain your trust...." I plead, crawling over closer to him and grabbing his hand into my lap only to have it pulled away.

"I want you to start seeing a therapist..... Ill come too if thats what you want and I want you to start going to AA meetings again, theres one at the local health centre every Tuesday morning." He says seriously and I thank my lucky stars that he is giving me this chance.

"Okay...Ill do it all...I just want you to trust me again...."I ramble, nodding my head incessantly.

"And I want to put any plans for a wedding on hold....just for now." Kurt says and I feel blood pulsating behind my ears.

"Kurt please dont do this, I promise Ill try harder!" I squeak not trusting my voice to say any more.

"Im not saying we are breaking up because we arent, I love you...with all my heart, but I dont trust you right now. This isnt a punishment Blaine...we just have a lot of issues to work through first before we can start planning a wedding. Were still engaged...but all the planning is going to be on hold until we get this sorted out. Okay?" He now reaches over for my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze and I almost sigh in relief. Kurt hadnt rejected me. I really wanted him to hold me, but the thought of him having to think about it instead of just doing it terrified me.

"Okay...Will you come with me to the therapist?" I ask shyly as my sobs quiet down at the mere contact of our hands.

"I already have one picked out...." He tries to smile through his pain. "Well get through this Blaine..." Then his arm draped softly around my shoulder and I had to wonder which one of us he was reassuring...