"Stop getting your panties in a twist Kurt! Its not like I committed a crime-"

"You might as well have Santana!" I screech, cutting her off as I trail hot on her heels into the apartment, making the door frame shudder with the force I use to slam it closed behind me. "I cant believe you would do this to us!"

"Oh lighten up!" She tosses out behind her, walking into the living room where a freshly awakened Blaine is blinking up at us in confusion from his sprawled position across the couch, the cats lazily draped across him.

"I WILL NOT LIGHTEN UP!" I growl fiercely, screeching to a halt as she stops to throw her spring coat onto the chair behind her. I stand up straighter, squaring off my shoulders and forcing my steely gaze onto hers. "This is typical you! When are you going to grow up and stop pulling stunts that you used to pull in high school?"

"Wait, what have I missed?" Blaine pipes up groggily, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and trying to sit upright on the couch, while the pair of us stay toe to toe, glaring at each other in a no way over the top angry fashion.

"How about you get the stick out your fiancés ass and replace it with your own?" Santana glares at me as she responds to Blaines question.

"How about you tell YOUR best friend to stop trying to ruin this wedding!" I sneer back at her. Trying to ignore the befuddled glances that Blaine is sending me and instead throwing mental flame throwers at Santana from retinas. "Or better yet? Tell her to deal with whatever issues she has made up in her head that is causing her to act like high school Santana on steroids!" I scream at her, taking a step closer towards her so Im invading her space.

"Okay why dont you both take a breather and discuss this rationally...." Blaine tries to placate us from the couch, holding his hands out as if begging, even though he knows neither of us are listening, us to surrender peacefully.

"Fuck you Kurt! You seem to think everything is about you and this fucking wedding! What about me huh?" Santana murmurs menacingly into the deathly stand-off between us.

"Or you could at least tell me why you are going at each other...." Blaine mumbles quietly to himself.  Sensing the anger in his tone I stop to turn to him, then take a shuddering breath to calm the rage welling up inside of me.

"Your best friend..." I point a finger accusingly in her direction to emphasise exactly who Im talking about, "decided to sign us up for a wedding registry...your mom called me to ask if there was any specific thing we wanted..."

"Okay..." Blaine frowns as he looks back and forth between us, as if not quite understanding why we are arguing so violently. Well darling youre about to find out!

"Then my dad called to ask why I thought it was acceptable to have our register at a shop that supplied over forty different kinds of handcuffs......needless to say he didnt look at the rest!" I state boldly, throwing my hands into the air and watching Blaine take in what I have said, briefly noting Santana crossing her arms across her body. I realise the minute Blaine has worked out what is going on as his face drains of all colour.

"Kurt for the millionth time Im sorry-"

"I dont want an apology Santana! I want you to stop avoiding and tell me what the hell Ive done to make you hate me just now?"

"Oh Im not apologising." She shakes her head in disbelief. "I was going to say sorry for thinking you could still have a laugh! You might as well seal your coffin now. It was a joke!"

"A JOKE?!?!" I manage to squeak through my tightening vocal chords. "Sending out a link to a sex shop to all of our guests is NOT a joke! Having to tell your future mother in law that, no we honestly dont need any of those gadgets, is not a joke."

"Oh fuck!" Blaine manages to breathe out, watching with huge eyes, as it dawned on him that his mother knew. I didnt want to add that probably, knowing her, already started researching the best gift option based on customer reviews.....or god forbid item specifics.

"Oh fuck is right! Not to worry though...." I sneer sarcastically. "Santana got a laugh out of it! Ill never be able to look your mother in the face again, but hey! Santana got a laugh out of it!"

"See its all about you Kurt!" She pushes her manicured finger against my chest viciously. "What about me? How Im feeling? Contrary to your own opinions the world hasnt stopped so you can plan your wedding and go on a kurtzilla tantrum through all of Gotham City when someone DARES to tell you your ideas suck!"

"Right guys calm down! I think you both need to apologise to each other before this gets out of hand!" Blaine bounces up from his spot, pushing his arms in between us. "Also Godzilla was Tokyo..." He mutters as an afterthought, not that either of us acknowledge it.

"Santana I have been nothing but nice to you while you have thrown constant hissy fits over nothing and everything! What is your problem?" I growl, not really paying any attention to the warning glance Blaine is throwing in my direction.

"My problem? How about the fact that you two are getting married in two months and you havent even acknowledged the fact that I wont have anywhere to live!" She fumes before breathing raggedly in front of me. The fight dying out of her eyes.

"Santana what are you-"I dont get to finish before shes cutting me off.

"You havent even asked what Im going to do once this is all over..." She sniffs and then I realise shes trying not to cry. "Im happy this is happening for you two, of course I am! But you havent even asked to help me find somewhere on my own. I mean, you know Ill just make it look like a sex work shop and that wont do for any at home with Lopez magazine spreads I get, will it? Youve not even tried to have the conversation with me like a decent human being! And I know I can be a bitch sometimes but we have been friends long enough for you to know that I dont mean at least half of the horrible things I say or do.... Im happy for you I am! But Im sad for me because it means for the first time in eight years Im not going to be coming home to you and its like you dont even care!" That does it, shes full on sobbing now and Blaine scoops her wordlessly into his arms. He holds her tight while turning to look at me with a thoroughly confused expression on his face, a look that I am no doubt sporting on my face. Where the hell did this idea even come from?!

"Santana...." Blaine tries, but cant think of anything to say as she pulls him in tighter, crying softly into his sweatshirt.

"Santana have you ever thought that we didnt bring it up before because we hadnt even considered it?" I say softly. "Like, not even for a second thought about it!" I add with more conviction this time, my anger completely ebbing away as I realise what this is all really about.

"But Cooper said...." She states, sniffing snot as elegantly as an infant would.

"Cooper!?" I yell in disbelief. "As much as I love him... When has he ever been right about anything important? Hes a walking advert for poor decision making!" Blaine arches his eyebrow at me, as if considering defending him, but the glare I send is way must be furious enough to stop that thought.

"So you mean youre not kicking me out after the wedding?" She whispers, peering out at me from behind her clenched fists buried in Blaines top.

"Of course were not!" I exclaim, rushing forward to squeeze them both into my arms. "You are my best friend! Id never kick you out. I mean, I thought wed find somewhere on our own eventually, that is if I can put up with Bumble twenty four seven....hes a bit of a dork!" I whisper conspiratorially to her, earning me a small smile, before Blaine makes this cute little ‘humph noise in my direction. 

"Plus rumour has it he is hobbit like in every sense of the word..." Santanas eyebrows shot up above her head, stifling her giggle by biting on her knuckles.

"Excuse me? Im still here!" Blaine huffs from the top of our heads. "And I have no problems in that department thank you!"

"Of course you dont honey!" I try to placate him. "So no more bitching out?" I ask Santana softly.

"I mean I cant promise that.....I cant start my day without a good bitch, you know? Its natures own fibre to keep you regular....BUT! Ill wait for you to tell me to move out before I try to get your mother in law to buy you sex toys! We all know how you feel about people buying you them...." She sniffs, but there is definitely a gleam in her eye. "Unless you just have an aversion to sex toys? If you do I think you need professional help."

"Good!" I smile back at her, ignoring the dig at our sex life. "I would kiss you right now but I havent found snot attractive since kindergarten......" She hastily wipes her nose across Blaines chest causing him to moan.

"Tan this is cashmere!"

"Bite me!" She grimaces, pulling back to walk back to the couch. "Hey want to get our gay on and watch My Best Friends Wedding?"

"Actually I was thinking you could help me plan the bachelor party?" I ask hopefully. Truth was I would have preferred to have organised this before now, but since she had been so angry lately it was till now that I could even broach the subject. Since her issues were sorted now I figured there would be less chance of her plotting to shave Blaines hair off just for kicks.

"Oh I just remembered...." She exclaims hopping up and rushing towards the door. "I have to go help Maya....Cook dinner for Mrs B....." looking as if she regretted that choice of, overtly ludicrous, words as soon as they left her mouth.

"Well we could come help too? Get the planning started?" Blaine offers, trying to follow her out.

"No!" She squeals. "I mean, I have to go get groceries at Walmart and we all know how Kurt feels about that right? Okay! So Ill see you guys.....later!" She trails off before turning on her bare feet and taking off at full speed.

"Kurt...." Blaine is standing with his hands in his pockets, staring at where Santana used to be.

"Yeah?"

"She didnt put her shoes back on...."

"I know..." I sigh wearily.

"Kurt?"

"Yeah?"

"Theyve planned our bachelor party, havent they..." Blaine sighs into the room, flopping down onto the couch and pulling me down with him.

"I think so..." I answer, even though he wasnt looking for an answer.

"Is it too late to kick her out?"

"That depends on whose hair she cuts off..."

************************

Over the next few days Santanas avoidance became even more obvious. She had turned up at the shop - a tonne of suspicious bags in tow - to only about turn when she noticed me talking to a client. She had pretended to be on the phone when I came home from work later that night only to have it ring mid-sentence and she had practically thrown Landin in the door after school one day yelling something about an emergency meeting with her agent (who I knew for a fact was on vacation). The final straw however, had been earlier on when I had to jump out of my morning shower to swat at the fire alarm - due to eggs left on the stove - which caused me to slip and fall on the cold, hard floor. The bruising was not a look I was going for. So I had decided to take matters into my own hands. But apparently being kind of a big deal, while also trying to avoid your best friend meant revoking his ID card at the recording studio and getting the Polynesian maid to answer your incoming calls from said best friend. Returning to work I did the only thing I could think of, email of course.

To: Santana

From: Kurt

Okay so youre avoiding me?! Dont deny it! You havent been home more than five minutes in the last four days, your phone rings before going to voice mail (Ive left a few not so nice messages I feel you should listen to), thats if the maid doesnt answer for you to tell me to "go fuck myself", and I have text you literally a hundred times! A hundred!!! Which I know you know already as my iPhone tells me when youve read it! So Im going to start sending you emails until you answer! Also Blaine showed me this story about a guy who sent the entire works of Shakespeare in a text via copy and paste to his enemy and the guy? Received texts consistently for over a week.... Maybe Ill try that instead? Romeo Romeo yadda yadda yadda.... Yes thats exactly how it was written. So you have three hours before the punishments begin! You decide....

I sit back gingerly on my bruised ass and smile at my accomplishment. Pulling up my coffee cup to take a sip of the scalding liquid. She wants to play? Fine! Lets see what she can throw back.

*********************

To: bachelor party bitches

From: Santana

SOS!!!!! Those two grannies are on to us! Kurt just threatened me with Shakespeare texts.....FOR A WHOLE WEEK!!!! I would rather eat the original book, leather cover and all, before shitting it back out instead of catching one word of what it contains. Nobody, and I repeat nobody, is allowed to break! I dont have a plan so just go with it.... And remember he cant kill us without the wedding pictures looking off kilter! Xox

To: Kurt

From: Santana

I dont have a clue what you are talking about....Talking about news stories though, I read about this girl going bat shit crazy planning her wedding and when the florist brought the wrong kind of roses (who knew there was more than one kind?!) she stabbed her betrothed with scissors....Maybe we should see about getting some meds for you? I have a feeling youre showing the signs. Shakespeare can kiss my ass!

To: Santana

From: Burt

I told you I didnt want to be called someones bitch kid! Im also not comfortable with lying to my son....

To: Burt

From: Santana

Oh please! I suppose Kurt told you all about him and Dale in the shower senior year then? You are my bitch until this ends....deal with it big bird xox

To: Santana

From: Maya

Babe, gran says not to be so stereotypical... She is a gran yet can fuck the home boys better than you... Her words, NOT MINE. I, on the other hand, have no complaints with your talents... Back to the boys, Kurt just walked in and has a seriously suspect swagger to his step! Im away to taunt him before our eleven oclock. Love you xxx

To: Santana

From: Dale

Why did Burt just ask me about my view on showers?!

To: Santana

From: Kurt

Bite me! You know that I know what youre planning. Just stop with the mind games and tell me what youve got in mind...nobody needs to get hurt. Also, why has my dad just called me to discuss his shower? For ten minutes?? Also talking about showers, tell your girlfriend I have a limp because you ran out the house and left breakfast cooking! I fell when the fire alarm went off!

To: Dale

From: Santana

I have no Idea what you are referring to... Remember to cancel Friday dinner! Thats multiple homicides waiting to happen! I need you to help me find the perfect mankini for the boys...

To: Santana

From: Jake

Oh no! I have to take Lydia down for a final dress fitting today! What do I do if he starts interrogating me? I cant lie to save myself!

To: Jake

From: Santana

Hide all the scissors and pins... We know nothing!

To: Kurt

From: Santana

Im taking it to the grave! Quick question does Blaine still have a fear of clowns? Just wondering...

To: Santana

From: Cooper

Im on location....it helps to be in a different state! Kurt phoned me yesterday and I pretended to be having sex...

To: Cooper

From: Santana

Pretended........

To: Santana

From: Cooper

Oh its great to be me....

To: Santana

From: Finn

Rachel says why didnt she get an email? Also Im on lock down... I know nothing! I still have carpet burns from Christmas....Why is Burt asking me about shower activity in teenage boys?

To: Finn

From: Santana

Because Yentil is going to be the last person he thinks knows a secret, hell just think she isnt in on it. Also did you get the flavoured body paint?

To: Santana

From: Kurt

If you want to live to see tomorrow? Dont come home tonight! *snip snip*

To: Santana

From: Finn

Yes I got it...I really didnt need that image in my head! The sales girl kept looking at me funny.

To: Santana

From: Dale

Are you going to make me try them on again? I got friction burns the last time...

To: Dale

From: Santana

Dont act like you didnt enjoy it..... ;)

To: Santana

From: Blaine

Please. Please. Please. PLEASE tell Kurt that you arent planning to ship either of us off to Russia or planning to cut my hair.... That would chill him out a bit! Side note? If you hire a clown I am never talking to you again....

To: Blaine

From: Santana

Bumble dont lie...Im awesome you couldnt not talk to me again if you tried. Tell Kurt to get over himself and I wont do anything too bad.... How do you feel about public nudity? I promise you will be somewhere warm so your manhood doesnt come into question.

To: Santana

From: Blaine

Hating you so hard right now....

Smiling to myself I turn off my phone and grab a slice of pizza, taking a huge chunk out of it. Its a good day to be me. I just wont go home until Kurt stops threatening me. Hey, I might even get lucky if my girlfriends in the mood.

****************************

Its fair to say that I havent achieved a lot with my day. Kurt has phoned me multiple times to bitch about the unfairness of having a twisted lesbian for a best friend - to which I argued that she would still be twisted regardless of her sexuality - and then Santana eventually called me to tell me I was betrothed to a prima Donna and I should get out while I could, with more profanity of course, before telling me she wasnt coming home until all sharp objects had been removed. I was planning on going home for a nap before work, okay, so maybe I was planning a closet hook up with Kurt, but then Jake called me asking me to come over and help with the kids.

Apparently my favourite nephew was enforcing his own jail sentence, having taken all his comics out of his room, and had barricaded himself inside, refusing to speak to anybody. Not even Dale, who was away on yet another corporate retreat catering, calling six times was worthy of a few words. Apparently only Uncle Blaine was who he wanted to talk to. I cant admit to struggling with this declaration, I was thrilled that he felt he could trust me, but mostly worried about what could have caused this reaction. Mint condition comics thrust out onto the landing! It had to be something big, and that thought, the one that it all relied on me? It filled me with dread that I wouldnt be able to fix whatever problem his nine year old self was feeling.

"Go way Dad!" Is yelled through the solid oak door, at quite an impressive volume as I stand outside his bedroom door, even though its muffled under a pillow no doubt. Come on Blaine you can do it! I steel myself and knock again before opening the door, sticking my head round the side. "I dont want to talk to you!!"

"Hey now, is that anyway to speak to your uncle after he came all this way to see you?" I ask light heartedly, watching the lump of bedding move until a round, blotchy face peers out from the foot of the bed.

"Uncle Blaine!" He sighs, pulling his lips into a smile, blinking a few times as if to make sure I was really here.

"Can I come in buddy?" His head rapidly nods his assent and I squeeze in the last few inches and click the door shut behind me. I notice his lip, although still smiling, starts to quiver, but he makes no move to change position to seek out a hug. Apparently hes too old for a hug these days. "Can I sit down?" I get another affirmation before I drop myself onto the floor at his end of the bed. Instead of any eye contact Landin has decided that the superman logo on his comforter is much more interesting.

"Your beards all scruffy." He mumbles under his breath, sneaking a quick look at me in the corner of his eye.

"Well Ive had a crazy day..." I sigh rubbing absent-mindedly at my chin where thick black hairs have formed. "Your Uncle Kurt and Aunty Tan have been kind of fighting..."

"Dad always says its not nice to fight." His short grunt comes out as his fingers try to trace the logo in front of him.

"Well its not really a fight, theyre just being a bit crazy....." I break off as I notice him try to stifle a laugh. "Youre not allowed to tell them I said that or Ill have to sleep on the couch again. And Salt will scratch me for being in her bed!" I add quickly, ensuring that Kurt wont find out I referred to him as crazy.

"Or uncle Kurt will let them sleep with him instead....he says they dont snore like you do!" Finally, finally, he lifts his gaze to look at me, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Whats up bud?" A shrug is the only response I get, so I try again. "Dad says you were upset when you came home from school."

"Something happened at school...." He whispers, looking quickly towards the door before back to me with wide eyes. "Can you keep a secret?" Why me? Why me? I want to let him confide in me, but if its something bad then I wont be able to tell Jake without betraying him. Blaine be strong! You can do this!

"Did someone bully you?" I ask with a bit more anger behind my voice than I meant. Remembering how horrible some kids can be, I feel a horrible knot of dread coiling in the pit of my stomach, I notice his subtle head shake though feeling a flood of relief and I decide secrecy can be promised. "Okay my lips are sealed." This seems to be the answer he wanted as he finally sits up, pushing the comforter off completely and faces me.

"You know my friend Penny?"

"Ehhh...Wait, is she the one with the cute pig tails?" I ask, squinting slightly, trying to picture who hes talking about.

"She kissed me yesterday!" He beams his answer back, proud of this revelation, his chest puffing out a little in pride.

"And youre sad because she kissed you on the mouth?" I ask, not entirely sure what this has to do with very expensive comics being launched out of the room.

"No!" He drags out, in a very teenager fashion, while slumping his head into his hands. "She kissed me on the cheek! She told me that she likes me!"

"So youre sad she kissed you on the cheek?" What was the appropriate age for kissing these days? Sure, being gay and from Ohio meant I was a late bloomer in that department - Kurt was always adamant drunk spin the bottle didnt count - but surely they couldnt be active at the age of nine?

"Nooooo!" He whines again, looking back at me with astonishment.

"Youre sad because you dont like girls and she kissed you?" I ask warily, not really sure if I can keep that sort of resolution to myself.

"Noooo! I like girls Uncle Blaine." He states boldly, even though his cheeks are flushed bright red.

"Oh!" I squeak. "Okay good. I mean not good you like girls, not that its bad, but good that you got kissed by someone you like."

"Uncle Blaine?"

"Yeah?" I look over at Landin who was smirking, and realise that was probably not the smoothest response I could have had.

"Youre funny..."

"Well thank you! I aim to please." I salute to him, earning another chuckle before he lets out a huge sigh again.

"Wait! If she kissed you and you liked it, why are you so sad today?"

"She laughed at me in front of her friends for talking about comic books..." He mumbled again, looking like the world was on his teeny tiny shoulders.

"Oh buddy!" I sigh, reaching out to give him a pat on his shoulder.

"They said that only babies read comic books....and then they all laughed at me." His bottom lip gets sucked into his mouth and he has to blink rapidly to let keep the tears from leaking out. "I want her to like me....like you like Uncle Kurt!" Oh and there it is! He likes this girl. This is his first crush and she has tainted it by being a bitch...Hold on, maybe its a bit harsh to call a nine year old that. But the point still stands! Even though I was young once, too many years ago to think about now, Kurt and Santana were the only two friends I really cared about. They never really cared what I liked as long as I was happy. God, I had it easy.

"Okay, you wanna know what I think?" I ask him, feeling confident in what my answer will be. He sits up a little straighter, watching me attentively, nodding enthusiastically. "I think that she might just be embarrassed that she has a crush on a boy, a very fashionable and different boy, but still a boy. Probably for the first time ever. Now I know I dont know all that much about girls, but I do remember my first crush and I was so scared to tell anyone in case they didnt like me back!"

"So what did you do?" His eyes are huge, trying not to blink, so he can absorb every bit of wisdom I have.

"Well Cooper told me to do something special for them. So they knew that I liked them!" I say remembering the horrible, glitter covered card I made. "I made him a card and he gave me one the next day. We were boyfriends for three days, which is a long time when youre in kindergarten!" He laughed, loud and clear at that before stopping to watch me again.

"So what should I do?"

"Why dont you hide a flower in her bag? So she knows you like her." I ponder for a minute before adding. "And dont stop being who you are! Comics arent for babies...and even if they were? You like them and thats all that matters. Theres no point having friends if they dont know the real you. And I think you are one of the best people I know!" Hes silent as he takes everything I said in, but shuffles back on his knees to make room for me on the bed. I hop up beside him and pull him in for a huge hug.

"Uncle Blaine?" His voice is quiet, questioning, even though I cant see his face from where his head is resting on my chest (I guess hes not too old for cuddles after all!). I hum my acknowledgement to him. "When you have babies, I think youll be a really good dad." I dont reply, just keep him hugged to my chest until he gets up to retrieve all the comics he threw out earlier, none of which are ripped thank God, and puts them back in their shelf space. Its not until he brings his latest find over to sit and read with me that I realise. That small recommendation makes me think about it more than I ever have in a long time.