He didn’t know what he was going to do now.
Blaine looked okay from here. But it had been a long ride and Kurt had to be sure Blaine was okay. He couldn’t see much from the angle he was looking at, but it looked like Blaine had something in his hands. But as Kurt made to open his car door his phone buzzed in his pocket.

CALLING: BLAINE

He had to read his caller ID about three times before realising what was going on. Why was Blaine calling him? He then realised Blaine didn’t know he was outside of his house and probably just wanted to set things straight since what had happened that afternoon. His phone stopped buzzing and he realised he had to actually pick up the phone eventually. Before he managed to call Blaine back, his phone was ringing again.

CALLING: BLAINE

Unlike the last time, Kurt instantly answered the phone.

‘Blaine? Hey, honey. I was just about to call you.’

‘Oh, okay. Hi. I-uh- was just doing some…homework and thought you might have wanted to talk.’ Blaine’s voice sounded chirpy and upbeat, very different to what Kurt saw through the other boy’s window.

Blaine could hear Kurt’s steady breaths; he was quiet.

‘I, um, just wanted to…apologise for storming out like that. It’s just that I’ve – uh – kinda been in a shitty mood for the past few weeks; I didn’t really feel like talking or anything. But you don’t have to worry about me, I’m good now, I guess I just needed to take a breather.’

Kurt’s eyes saw Blaine’s hand move up to rub his eye before moving up further to thread his hand through his hair, elbow resting on his knee. Blaine was acting very strange. If he was in a shitty mood, Blaine could have told him, he didn’t need to hide it from him.

Was he hiding something?

‘That’s fine, baby. I just – you’ve been looking a bit out of it for a while, I just want to check you’re okay. I’m sorry if it seemed like I was pushing you for information and stuff…I know I tend to do that. I just want you to know you can talk to me about anything, Blaine. Anything. You don’t need to hide from me.’

He saw Blaine stand up, fingers still wandering aimlessly through his curly locks.

He knows something. Blaine thought to himself. He had been so incredibly careful when hiding his arms from Kurt. It was almost impossible that he had seen them. What did he know?

‘No, Kurt, it’s fine. Thanks, for caring though. I’m fine now, I just have to finish this bitch of a history assignment.’ He scoffed quietly, walking closer to the window, playing with something at his desk. Kurt could just make out his facial expressions. His eyes seemed drained, skin botchy.

Silence. Only deep, heavy, dragged out breaths from both ends of the phone call.

‘Blaine-’

‘Look, Kurt I said I was fine. You don’t need to worry about me, okay?’ he paused - his hand reaching for his hair once more. His face looked agitated - almost nervous. It scrunched up as he realised the harshness of his words. ‘Kurt, I’m sorry. I’ve had a rough week and I’m just not in the mood to talk right now.’

Silence.

‘Kurt? Please say something. I’m sorry I snapped like that. You were just being a good boyfriend.’

‘I- just…it just hurts me when I can see you hurt like this, Blaine. It hurts when I can see that something’s wrong and you won’t talk to me. Don’t I deserve as much as an explanation as to why you’ve been so distant lately. Why you never hold my hand anymore. We never talk about us or…I don’t know…things that mean anything; only about hollow, pointless topics that help pass the time. Did I do something wrong, Blaine? Did I hurt you? Because if I did then I’m so sorry…I just don’t want you to go off by yourself thinking you don’t have anyone to talk to when I am more than willing to listen and support you.’

A whisper of quiet made its way through Kurt’s phone as he intently watched Blaine’s face through the window.

‘No, Kurt, it’s not like that at all. N-no, I promise, you’re perfect. You didn’t do anything wrong. I- I’ve just, ugh- I’m sorry.’ He sighed in frustration, voice slightly breaking mid-sentence and eyes filled with panic.

Blaine took another step closer to the window and lightly hit his forehead against its framing. His face was blotched and his eyes watery, they slowly closed.

When they opened again, they were red and puffy, filled with hatred and self-doubt.

‘Blaine-’ he urged, softly. Still trying to keep in mind that Blaine wasn’t aware that Kurt could see him.

‘I love you, Kurt.’ Blaine’s voice broke as he said this. Kurt had to restrain his heart from leaping out of his chest and running to hold onto the other boy forever.

‘I love you too, Blaine. I really, really do. But I don’t understand how that is something to be upset about. We love each other, I’ve known for a while…I don’t understand why you’re hurting because of that.’

Silence. Blaine’s hand punched harshly at the framing, his face flinching at the sudden pain as he tried cover up the hissing noise he almost made.

‘Blaine?’

‘It hurts because I’m not supposed to love you, Kurt.’ Kurt jumped slightly at Blaine’s sudden snap. ‘It hurts because you deserve so much better than what I can give ever give you. You deserve a prince in shining armour that’ll be able to care for you and love you for the rest of eternity, sworn to never leave your side. I- I just know that I can’t give you all of that, Kurt. And you deserve it. You deserve somebody who can take care of you as well as themselves. Kurt, I can barely make myself to get up some mornings, how am I supposed to protect you, take care of you, anything. I can’t, Kurt.’

Kurt sat in his car, lost for words for a few moments.

‘You underestimate yourself so much Blaine. I wish you could see what I did. If you would just let me inside and tell me what’s wrong, Blaine – if you would just talk to me. You know me, I’m not going to hurt you or judge you. And, I can take care of myself, you know.’

Blaine looked down at his arms, his knuckles red and forearms covered in wounds and bruises.

‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this.’ His voice broke, but he really didn’t care anymore. He needed to stop this whining to Kurt. It was weak and pitiful.

God, you’re pathetic.

He punched at the wall once again as Kurt heard a dial tone on the other end of the phone. Tears began streaming down his face, he didn’t care anymore - he almost told Kurt. How much of an idiot was he?

Music blaring from his iPod drowned out the wind and rain howling outside. He picked up the blade he had dropped in the bathroom and stared at it.

‘You idiot.’ He said softly as he threw it to the ground – the whisper almost inaudible. He heard a creak behind him and spun around quickly, seeing Kurt, standing only a few meters away from him.

Fuck. Don’t let him see.

Blaine grasped his hand around his forearm behind his back, attempting to hide the red, swollen gashes, forgetting they weren’t healed yet and yelped out in pain.

Kurt was next to him in less than a second, face trembled with concern and discomfort. Blaine’s eyes welled up in tears despite his attempt to plaster his face with one of his winning smiles. All he could manage was a twitch in his lips before Kurt spoke.

‘Kurt. Uh, w-what…I was just- uh, going to the bathroom – I-I-’ He tried to look happy, tried to hide it, but the pain wasn’t leaving his face. He could feel it there -trapped.

‘Blaine…’ Kurt whispered quietly as he pushed forward, determined to break through Blaine’s walls this time. ‘Babe, look at me.’ Blaine’s eyes remained downcast, empty and scared, searching for something to focus on. ‘Look at me.’ He pressed on, setting his finger softly on Blaine’s cheek. Blaine’s eyes slowly made their way up to meet Kurt’s eyes.

‘I love you.’ he paused, ‘You, Blaine.’ his body slowly close the distance between him and his boyfriend – who’s eyes were now closed – until it was pressed up against his warmth, the smaller boy’s head fitting itself perfectly in the curve of Kurt’s neck. He felt so…safe.

Blaine threw his arms around Kurt when a sob wrecked from his body, as if hanging on for life, fingers grasping for the other boy’s shoulder blades, searching for something to hold on to. Suddenly, there were arms hugging him back, they were warm and so very welcoming. But Blaine felt so…so wrong. He felt filthy; his hands marked with what he had done to himself in the past few hours. He tried to remain calm, but the only words that made it past his lips were meaningless apologies, repeated over and over again.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ He echoed hoarsely through his sobs. Kurt didn’t know what to do. He just held on. It was all he knew to do…and Blaine held back. So tightly, it seemed he would never let go. And for a very long time, he didn’t. They stayed there, wrapped in each other’s embrace for what seemed to be hours. Eventually, Blaine was the one to break the comfortable hold both boys had on each other.

‘I’m really sorry; you shouldn’t have come out all the way to my house. It’s a long trip and it’s getting late and you might not be able to get home in time and your dad will start to worry. Anyways, I’m fine, see?’ He plastered a fatigued, yet believable smile on his face.

‘The fact that you think I don’t know you well enough to see past that insanely dapper and almost convincing smile of yours, Blaine Anderson, is almost insulting.’ Kurt stated, trying to lighten the mood, but Blaine’s smile had faded already, his face as expressionless as his eyes.

‘I’m not leaving until I know you’re all right, Blaine. Whether you like it or not.’

‘I’m really fine, Kurt. I just had a rough week and I-’

‘Blaine.’ Kurt interrupted.

Blaine knew it was over. There was no point in fighting it anymore – Kurt was going to find out. Despite his oh so troublesome efforts to hide his secret away for such a long time, Kurt would leave his house knowing something that Blaine never wanted him to.

He sniffed, his shoulders tensing slightly as his mind began to form possible outcomes for the current situation he was in.

You’re pathetic, Blaine. You’re weak.
He doesn’t love you.
You know he’s going to leave.
The only good thing in your life is about to leave.
And it’s entirely your fault.

Kurt watched Blaine for a few minutes, marvelling at the shorter boy. Neither of them said anything, though it looked as if Blaine was deep in thought. His eyes racing around the room – not focusing on anything – were still red from before, but seemed to be filling up with a subtle amount of tears once more.

‘No, it’s not.’

Kurt snapped out of his slight reverie and cocked his head to one side.

‘What, Blaine?’ The other boy looked as if he were in a trance – not moving or responding to the sound of Kurt’s voice. He took a while to reply - eyes still dashing around – but when he did, his voice was a quiet and uneasy whisper. Something Kurt had never heard from Blaine before.

‘My fault,’ he stopped, his eyes suddenly shooting up to Kurt’s, ‘It’s not my fault. I promise, Kurt. I promise. I’m sorry.’

Once again, the smaller boy was unmistakably in tears, clumsily grabbing at his shirt, frantically searching for something to hold onto, something that would bring him comfort. After a while, he settled on harshly clutching his hands into tight fists, his knuckles coloured white. Blaine was near hysterics and it upset Kurt so much to see him like that. The sight was almost unbearable for him; his eyes shedding small droplets of tears as Blaine had done a few minutes ago.

Kurt realised it was too late to keep pretending like he didn’t know what was happening. He had suspected it and hoped it wasn’t true for such a long time…he’d put this off for so long – but Blaine needed, just for once, someone that understood…someone who he didn’t have to open up or explain a situation to. Just somebody who knew, who understood.

‘Blaine, of course it’s not your fault.’ Blaine looked up, eyes still hazy. ‘You didn’t do a thing wrong. You’ve only ever been yourself - you never went looking for trouble. I understand that you’re hurting, Blaine. I don’t exactly understand to what extent and what it’s driven you to thinking about yourself...’

Kurt walked closer to Blaine and softly placed his hand on his shoulder. It was silent, but the silence was comfortable…neither of the boys afraid of what may come from it. Kurt’s fingers found Blaine’s chin and lifted the other boy’s view up to meet his. His other hand slowly trailing down Blaine’s bicep and took hold of his forearm ever so softly. Blaine knew what was coming; he braced himself for the shock that would paint its way across Kurt’s face when he saw…all the mistakes he had made, all the times he had punished himself for being wrong or not staying in his place.
For being different.

The taller boy’s hands slowly pulled back the sleave Blaine had messily rolled down before Kurt’s entering the room. Sorrow immediately filled his eyes; he looked back up at Blaine. His face was so empty – so indescribably broken – it pained Kurt to his very core. He swallowed, willing himself to continue…

‘…but I do understand what it’s like to need somebody, Blaine – to need somebody to need you back. I’m trying so hard to figure you out, but it’s so hard; you’ve sealed yourself up…so deep inside of you, I don’t even know if you know how to find it anymore. Every now and then, I see sparks of the real Blaine Anderson – charming, funny with an unmistakably beautiful heart - the Blaine Anderson I fell in love with. I want so much for you to know that I do need you back, Blaine…that I do love you. And I will do anything to help you find yourself again; to get rid of this – this darkness that has built up inside of you. I want so much for you to know that you can let go of that now – maybe you needed it before, but I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.’

Blaine closed the distance between them, their lips meeting not for the first time that night, the fire burning within the kiss still rich and needy. It soon became hard to distinguish between sweat or tears, passion or hurt, Kurt or Blaine. They all became one. Quickly, heat burned between the two boys as they found comfort in each other’s presence.

‘I love you, so much.’ Blaine gasped with a quick a breath, before pressing his nose into the crevasse of Kurt’s neck, still crying.

After holding each other for a few minutes, so comfortable and warm, Kurt decided it was getting late and that they could discuss matters in the morning, Blaine didn’t look like he was in a state to be discussing his pain at the moment. Maybe if he kept him calm until the morning, he could maybe get Blaine to open up.

‘Blaine?’ Kurt softly whispered into Blaine’s curls.

‘mhm?’ Blaine mumbled in return, not looking up.

‘I think you should lie down, it’s late.’ He gestured towards the bed.

‘But you’re so cuddly.’ Blaine managed to get out, his words muffled by the fabric of Kurt’s shirt.

‘I can stay, but you need to get some rest.’ Blaine nodded, ‘Promise?’ Another nod.

~oOo~

Blaine was restless, but Kurt couldn’t even get to sleep. He rolled over to look at Blaine. His eyes roamed over his face, his body, but focused on the red gashes on his arm. Pain immediately filled Kurt’s insides; merely the thought of Blaine doing something like this to himself hurt him so badly. He couldn’t entertain the idea of Blaine hurting himself because he felt unloved for another second. And for the first time that night, Kurt broke down – he had been holding it in to seem brave in front of Blaine, but now that he was asleep, Kurt didn’t hold back.

Tears flowed down his smooth cheeks as he gazed at Blaine’s forearms. Resting his forehead softly on the other boy’s shoulder, Kurt slowly drifted into a peaceful sleep; mind filled with questions and queries that would hopefully be answered the next day.

~oOo~

The sun beaming through the windows of Blaine’s bedroom danced around its walls, waking both the boys, sleeping on the large bed in the centre of the room.

Neither of the boys got up, Blaine subtly peered down at Kurt from the corner of his eye, only to find the boy already gazing up at him lovingly.

‘Morning.’ He sighed as he sat up slightly. Slowly, what had happened the night before dawned on him. The two boys said nothing for quite a while. Blaine broke the silence, knowing he wasn’t going to get by without coming up with some kind of explanation. The problem was, he didn’t exactly know what the problem was.

‘I-’ he paused looking at Kurt, who was looked back at him, ‘I don’t know.’

‘What?’

‘I don’t know. Why I do it, I mean.’ He paused again, ‘everyone else, on television or in stories…they always have these understandable reasons, I don’t know, something that makes it all fit together. I don’t have that. I have no idea why I started hurting myself. All I know is that I did it, and it felt good. I didn’t stop because…well, because nobody told me to.’

Kurt was silent, just looking at him, Blaine continued.

‘Sometimes…I just need to feel. Other times, I just deserve it. It’s pathetic, at first it helped…but now it’s just something I have no control over and I’m so fucking scared, Kurt.‘ He curled his knees into his body, grabbing his arms around them. Kurt’s arms took their place within seconds.

‘Shhhh, Blaine, you have nothing to be scared of. I’m here. I care, you don’t need to do that to yourself, but even if you do, Blaine, I’m here. I’m staying. I’m not going anywhere.’

Blaine looked up at him, his eyes red and watery.

‘You don’t have to stay. I get it, if you don’t want me.’

‘But I do, Blaine. I do want you. I like you. I-I love you.’ Kurt answered quickly.

‘Don’t.’ his voice cracked as his tears kept on trailing softly down his cheeks and over his lips, down to his chin. ‘Don’t love me. I’m not…good, Kurt, look at me. I can’t give you what you want; I’m never going to be able to help you or be there for you. I can barely go a day taking care of myself, how can I possibly be the right guy for you? I can’t believe you would possibly want me now that you’ve seen…this.’ Without hesitating, Kurt brought his face close to Blaine’s as he spoke.

‘Doesn’t the fact that I do still want you despite all of this show that I do really love you. Because I do, Blaine. I love you so much. I just wish you could see it.’
‘I-I’ve never told anyone before…never shown them my arms. Nobody’s ever noticed before. I don’t want you to feel like this is an obligation, Kurt. I don’t want you to feel like you have to try and fix me. I’m really fine on my own, I can manage.’ Blaine reasoned softly.

‘This is hardly managing, Blaine.’ Kurt disagreed. ‘And I would never feel that way about you, I love you, remember.’

‘I-I’ his breath hitched as he sighed at how he stumbled over his words, ‘I don’t believe you.’

‘Well, what do I have to prove it to you, Blaine, I promise, I’ll do anything.’ He tilted his head to the side, his face veiled with concern.

‘I don’t think you can, Kurt.’ Blaine looked down at his hands. ‘I don’t think this is working.’

Suddenly Kurt felt all the world crumble beneath his feet, a feeling of emptiness entered his stomach as his eyes began to fill with tears.

‘N-no. No, Blaine. Don’t say that. I love you, I love you, don’t do this.’ He begged, ‘Blaine, we can get through this. We can make this work. Don’t tell me to leave you. I can’t do that, Blaine.’

‘I’m sorry, Kurt, but this is stupid. What was I thinking? That we could make this work? That I could not fuck this up, unlike everything else? No, I’m sorry, Kurt, but you need to leave. I think we need a break; this is getting too much for the both of us.’

‘No, Blaine, if this is about you thinking I don’t care enough, it’s not true. Blaine, I love you. I adore you. I’ll do anything, Blaine, just don’t do this.’

‘I think you should leave.’ Blaine whispered, now facing opposite to Kurt, fully sitting up.

‘Blaine, please I-’

‘Please just go.’

Tears built up in Kurt’s eyes as he left Blaine’s room, his chest rise and fell at a tremendous pace as he ran down to his car in the still pouring rain.